Unraveled Knot
by twistedcoincidence
Summary: A round peg in a square hole. It's not always the easiest fit that works the best. Maybe if it's not hard it's just not worth it. AU/AH E/B Collab with astilbe13 *DISCLAIMER* We do not own these characters, rather we borrow them for our use
1. Chapter 1

_I can feel his labored breathing on the back of my neck. It takes everything in me not to shudder in disgust. Immediately my shoulders slump under the weight of what I am about to do. It wasn't always this way with him. Like all the others it started well, really well. It started with a night of horrible country karaoke and running out of the rain into a first kiss that I was sure meant that this time it would be different._

_It wasn't._

_I curse under my breath as my key decides once again to defy its purpose in life and not fit in my lock. My teeth grit together and I put my shoulder into the effort hoping it will aid in making this moment end. He chuckles nervously and I can smell the Chinese we just had on his breath. I've always hated beef broccoli. _

"_Lemme try," he offers. Just as he begins to snake his hand down my arm in what I'm sure was meant to be a sexy maneuver, my luck changes and the door pops open. I throw my hands up victoriously and smile at him, then regret it instantly._

_His smile is too toothy, and there is very possibly a piece of the previously mentioned broccoli in his teeth. I sink back from his outstretched arms and push the door between us like a shield._

"_I'm thinking this is going to be the end of the night for me Mike. I'm feeling really tired."_

_I throw in an exaggerated yawn and hope he buys it even a little. The confusion on his face is depressing. If he only knew that this was the end. Not that I was cold hearted enough to just shut him out; this was only the beginning. First I would transition all our dates into group activities and then I would begin inviting girls I think he might like along and soon enough I would just be the one who introduced him to his newest girlfriend._

_Believe me. I'm a pro. I've done this enough times, that some of them even think they ended things and its better that way. A much nicer picture than the truth._

"_Ok, well I'll call you later," he suggests. _

_I nod tightly and push the door shut before he can attempt to smother me with his well intentioned lips. I know I come off as the evil party, but I only do this to save them really. Any other option would be so much worse. I've seen it. _

***

Does why ever actually matter? Does it really matter why I do anything that I do? Everybody reaches their own conclusions way before why ever even becomes an issue. That's just the way it is. So no, I don't think why ever actually matters. I think we just do what we need to do to survive and I think the why just stops mattering.

I lean back against the wall of the Columbus Circle subway station and rub my forehead. It's Friday but Friday lost its appeal to me years ago. Friday only means two days and then I have to get back to the office.

Friday is nothing that it used to be. When I was a kid Friday meant freedom and fun and danger and excitement. We lived for Fridays when we were kids. Somewhere along the line all of that disappears. We still live for Fridays but more so for the paycheck. And somewhere along the line you start to realize that that feeling of freedom doesn't actually exist. There's no such thing.

There's a girl standing in front of me and she's laughing loudly, too loudly. The sound is obnoxious. She's unwrapping a roll of LifeSavers. When she sees me watching, she grins and offers me one.

Sour apple.

I don't like sour apple but I pop it into my mouth anyway. And my mother's words ring in my mind: _Edward, never take candy from strangers_, and something about my defiance makes me smile slightly. I'm a grown man. And she would shudder and slap my hand and make me spit it out if she saw me.

"Yes!" The girl shouts and I see her feet lift up off the ground in her excitement. Her bright pink backpack bounces and everything inside of it rattles loudly. Where is this train? "Start playing!"

I look up to see who she is talking to. She can't be a day over twenty: bright green eyes and short blonde hair. She looks at me and motions with her chin. Two kids that look like they're Blondie's age are standing across the tracks holding guitars.

"Who are they?" I ask her and feel my heart begin racing.

"They call themselves the Vanishing Act," she says with a grin. "They go from station to station covering songs. And then they vanish on whichever train is coming."

I nod and hope that by willing alone, I can get the train to come now. But things like good timing never happen to people like me. And the train doesn't come. Instead, the two kids begin to strum their guitars.

I slip my hand into my pocket and wrap my fingers around the ring in there. My breathing becomes shallower as I rub my thumb over the stone, back and forth, until I feel enough pain to get a small amount of release.

It's useless though, because when they begin to sing, my lungs stop working entirely. "Standing on the corner/ suitcase in my hand/ Jack is in his corset and Jane is in her vest/ And me I'm in a rock n roll band./ Riding in a Stutz Bear Cat, Jim/ You know those were different times."

And I can't. I simply can't. I cover my ears and walk quickly towards the stairs. I don't care if I already paid, I don't care about any of this. I just run towards the stairs and then I run up them and I keep running until I can't hear it anymore.

***

_I lean against the now shut door and listen to his retreating steps. Once I'm sure he's not coming back I push myself off and head for the kitchen. It's time for my nightly ritual._

_There are few things that speak to my soul and fix a crappy day like chocolate milk. I wasn't allowed to have it as a child. My mother said that it was just a horrible way to trick children into thinking milk was good. My mother also thought anyone who ate fish was a murderer. What can I say, she is eccentric. _

_My first feat of defiance was to sneak a carton of chocolate milk back to the house from grade school. I didn't even drink it; just let it sit under my bed as a memento to not listening to my mother. When I did first try it, I was hooked. It's the only long-term relationship I've ever had and I won't be slamming the door in its face any time soon._

_The fridge door groans as I pull it open and begin my search for my only love. My hand grasps the familiar carton and I can't stop the smile that spreads over my face._

"_You run off 22 yet?" The familiarity of the voice doesn't stop me from jumping and almost spilling my prize. He has this morbid practice of calling the men in my life by numbers instead of names. Gets some sick kick out of it._

"_Good Lord Emmett, have you been practicing being stealth again?" I accuse gripping the carton to my chest. Emmett and I share more than this shit hole apartment. He has also taken to my vice and I don't share well. _

_He reaches over my head easily and takes two cups from the cabinet and sets them on the counter expectantly. I sigh and relinquish my hold of the chocolate milk pouring it into the cups like shots. He raises a single eyebrow as we throw them back and laugh like idiots. I suppose it's healthier than the boozing we could be doing._

_Then Emmett reaches for the Captain Morgan and suddenly it's not so healthy anymore. The alcohol mixes with the chocolate still coating the glasses and I gulp at it loving the combination. I set the glass in the sink and turn to face Emmett who is still swirling his mixture._

_It would be so much easier for me if this was the way it looked. If Emmett and I harbored secret love for each other and one day we would both wake up and realize that what we wanted was right in front of us, but that's not the way it is._

_Emmett was actually number 6. It lasted longer than most, almost breaking my three week record before I figured out that I liked him too damn much to let him waste his time on me. And I had been stuck with him ever since. Not that I mind at all._

"_So?" he urges. I roll my eyes and pause on my way to my room._

"_22 is on the way out. Give me two weeks and I'll have him dating that little red head from the coffee shop."_

_Emmett grins knowingly and shakes his head. No lecture this time. He didn't particularly like 22. Not like 17, he was really rooting for 17 and when I put that to rest it was an entire night of me, Emmett and the captain going round and round. I will my feet to make the quick trip to my room even faster and as my hand encircles the doorknob I feel release._

_I fling the slab of wood open and then push it shut with all my body weight, trying futilely to keep all my problems and issues behind it. My eyelids drop involuntarily as I take in my bed. It had been a really long day._

***

It was stupid to pay $20 for a ride that should've only cost $2. I can't bring myself to care right now though, what with it being Paycheck Friday and all. I close the door quietly behind me; drop my briefcase on the floor, and just lean against it for a moment, just breathing in the silence.

"Hannah?" I call out when the silence lasts longer than it usually does.

I push myself off of the door when I don't get a response and walk into the kitchen. There's a note on the fridge in her perfect script: _Edward- I went out with Jessica because she was having a crisis. I shouldn't be late. Left you food in the microwave. Xoxo._

I open the microwave and lift the aluminum foil only slightly. Chicken. Again. I give her points for trying but Hannah is a terrible cook and she's been trying to master chicken for the past two weeks. Every single one of her efforts has resulted in either really dry or really burnt chicken.

It's okay; I'm not in the mood for food. Not now. Now it's silent and I just need to sit for a moment.

It's my quiet right now.

I walk into the living room and kick my shoes off. I unbutton my pants next and pull my white shirt out. I take the ring out of my left pocket and place it in the Advil bottle on my nightstand. Hannah is allergic to Advil so I don't worry about her finding it there. Each button gets worked out of its respective hole before I pull it off. The clothes can stay on the floor for now.

I walk into the bedroom next door that we use for storage. Impractical, I know, but we both had a lot of shit and not enough room for it. I walk to the closet and in the back is the box. Hannah doesn't understand why I haven't thrown out an old record player that doesn't work. She doesn't know that it works. And then all the way in the back, behind the record player is my salvation.

I unlock it and take the guitar out, letting my fingers slide over the faded black for a moment before I reach back inside for the record I need to hear just for tonight.

I crawl back out of the closet and sit on the floor next to the record player. I set it to play and then I pull the guitar onto my lap. I wrap my arms around it as the song begins to play and I wonder why it can't hold me back, not the way it used to anyway.

"Childhood living is easy to do/ The things you wanted, I bought them for you./ Graceless lady, you know who I am/ You know I can't let you slide through my hands." I let the song wash over me entirely. It was his favorite song.

And then, just for now, I let the tears fall. Some of them land on my glasses, the others slide down onto my guitar. It doesn't matter now though.

***

_The message machine blinks with ferocity, but I simply hit the delete button and feel insurmountable pleasure from doing so. I can't deal with it right now. I should feel obligated to listen to the voices on the tape, listen to whines of my mother and the monotone drone of my father, but I just won't. Not today. _

_Because as much as I know it's the right thing to do, every time I add another number to my roster I can feel another fissure open in my chest. Another small tear that will tag along with me day after day, reminding me of what I gave up. A small tribute to the martyr I like to think I am in that I am not her. Because a tear in me, is better than a shredded him._

_It's better this way._

_That's my consolation, my mantra. The thing I repeat over and over in my head every time someone tells me that it's time to settle down, or looks at me with pity when I'm the only girl in the room without a partner. I chose this for myself. No one but me, so at the end of the night when I'm faced with a cold pillow and a glass of chocolate milk, I still sleep relatively well because I didn't do any harm today. _

_I shake the melancholy from my mind and slip my shoes off. I have only one objective and that is to find peace in my favorite escape, sleep. There I am rarely burdened by reality or pain. Luckily for me it's usually dreamless and heavy. No sides of anything to read into._

_I slip on some sweats and an old t-shirt and sink into my bed. Before menacing thoughts can ruin my moment I pull my work into bed with me. The numbers dance and swirl in front on my eyes. The heels of my hands meet my eyes and I try again. It still looks like a magic eye rather than a financial document._

_When I started the business I conveniently forgot about this part of it. All I could see were kids and guitars and tiny fingers caressing piano keys. Everything else just seemed like it would come together for such a great cause. I mean who doesn't want to hear the kids of the world sing?_

_That was my dream at first. Resurrect a dying art. Bring music back to school, joy back to kids who thought school was only for homework and recess. I was young, straight out of college and naive enough to think that if you were out to do good, karma would just take care of the rest._

_Well karma forgot to tell me that it was shit at numbers and I was now so backwards and sideways in a mess I didn't think I was going to be able to climb out. _

_I shove the papers unceremoniously to the floor and resolve to deal with it tomorrow. Maybe I'll even hire one of those paper pushers to deal with it for me. For now I need my pillow and the nothingness of sleep. _

_Because 22 is secretly more than I want to remember and more than I can hide the pain of tonight._

***

When the door opens and Hannah calls out my name, I'm sitting on the couch watching recaps on ESPN with a bowl of ice cream.

"Hi," she says and smiles at me.

"Hey." I pat the space on the couch next to me and she comes over, leaning in to kiss me briefly before settling into the sofa.

"How was your day?"

"Long, but it's Friday," I say and offer her a smile and then a spoon of ice cream.

She shakes her head. "I don't eat ice cream, Edward; you know this."

I shrug. "How was your day?"

She groans and places her hand on her neck. If this is a ploy to get me to give her a neck rub, I'm not falling for it. I don't have it in me tonight.

"Jessica is just a mess."

"I'm surprised you didn't stay with her," I say, hoping to skip over the why so that I can go to bed within the next twenty minutes.

She frowns at me. "I wanted to come home. And anyway, she needs to talk to Drew. They're just… I don't know. It's just not there for them anymore, you know?" She crosses her legs and shifts so that she's facing me. "I don't get how that happens. How do people go from being in love to just not?"

I don't know how or why it happens but I know that it does. Then again, who knows what our true capacity for love is? Furthermore, who's to say that we even have a capacity for it at all? What if we just think that we feel it when all we're feeling is a little bit of excitement mixed in with fear? What if we're just so terrified of losing somebody and of being alone that we convince ourselves that we're in love when we're really not?

I shake my head. "Edward," she says and touches my hand lightly.

I turn my hand over to hold hers. "People change, Hannah. It happens."


	2. Chapter 2

First a/n! Hopefully people are reading this and liking it…..let us know either way. On to the real drama… AND a huge shout out to our AMAZINGLY FANTASTIC beta off-the-deep-end!

**********

I had a professor in college who told us on the first day of classes, "After this, your entire life is going to be spent chasing paper." We all stared as he took a dollar out of his wallet and tore it in half. "Paper. You're gonna go to work, you're gonna sit at a desk, and at the end of the week you're gonna get a check that will be just enough to last for the next week."

We laughed. Well, I laughed. I laughed because I was gonna be different. I only went to college to appease my parents until I got my big break. I looked at that man who had a weird tick in his jaw and wore mismatched frumpy clothing, and I laughed. Because he didn't understand. Because he thought I was going to fall victim to his horrible twisted fate.

As it turns out, I was the one that misunderstood.

I'm almost positive that if he saw me today in my black pants and tucked in button down blue shirt, he would laugh at me. Ha-ha, Edward, joke's on you, kid.

"Good morning," Hannah says when I walk into the kitchen. I nod. "I made you some toast with peanut butter and bananas."

I hate bananas.

I accept the plate anyway. "Thank you," I say and lean in to kiss her but she turns and offers her cheek.

"Lipstick," she offers as an excuse and smiles tightly. "I really wish you would wear the contacts we bought."

I adjust my glasses self-consciously and take a bite out of the toast. "They're hard on my eyes."

She frowns and then nods. "I have to run. I'll see you tonight."

I nod and pour myself a cup of coffee. It's strong and bitter but it tastes better than the toast and I need to wash the banana taste down with something.

I stand up with a sigh and roll the remaining toast up in a paper towel before I throw it away. The last thing I need is for her to see it in the garbage and start complaining about how I don't appreciate the extra effort she puts into our relationship.

***

_There are few things in life that are more irritating then early mornings. At least that's how it is in my world. I hurry across the living room and nearly trip over my jeans as I try to pull them on and run at the same time. _

_Damn pencil neck service. Who the hell makes an appointment for 8:30 in the morning? Don't most places open at 9? Therefore, wouldn't it follow that no business should happen till well after 11? When I called the accounting firm they 'pushed back' the appointment from 7:30 when I choked on my coffee. It's nice to know that the possibility of killing a potential client is something they try to avoid._

_As I round the corner and reach my destination. I reach for the washer and rip the top open hoping to get my top at least halfway dried in the fifteen minutes I have. I reach for the dryer, but freeze when I see the familiar scrawl on a note on top. Please sweet Lennon, no._

_I don't even need to read it to know what happened. Damn Emmett and his love of all things bear. I can't tell him enough times that a bear rug cannot fit in a standard dryer. This is not happening._

"_Emmett!" The yell bounces off the walls and back towards me, but no response. He would be hiding. He knows what he did. The constant bass coming from his room gives away his hiding place. I push open his door without a knock and he screams like a girl. _

"_Jesus, Izzy. Knock much?" he asks. He holds a towel over himself like I'm his aging grandmother. I roll my eyes and hold up the note. I chuckle at the fear that stains his features. No one that large should be scared of me. I could hardly do any noticeable damage. At least not physically. _

"_Again Em?" I ask. _

_He grins sheepishly and shrugs. I try to stay angry I do, but its too damn hard and I am too damn late._

"_You will have the dryer repaired by the time I get home and you will NEVER, EVER try to clean that thing here ever again," I state. He nods like a scolded child and I groan and trudge back to my room. Now to find something to wear._

_The only day someone professional and more adult than I am is coming I don't have anything to wear but my painting shirt. I stare at the shirt disdainfully before pulling it over my head. To hell with it, who the cares what the pencil neck thinks anyway?_

_The answering machine catches my eye and I hit the floor looking for my left shoe under my bed. It's blinking again. I spare the voices on the tape and simply ignore them for now. I reach blindly under my bed hoping to feel the familiar canvas of my sneaker; instead all I feel is dust and candy wrappers. I should really vacuum under there._

_The clock rubs the time in my face as I rush by it. No chance of being on time now. I skip breakfast and opt simply one of Emmett's protein shakes. Here goes nothing._

***

"Hi, Violet," I say and smile at the receptionist as I walk into the Stein and Meyer offices.

"Hi, sweetheart," she says and smiles back at me. "Did you do anything this weekend?"

I take the cookie she offers me and shake my head. "Just caught up on some stuff around the house."

She shakes her head and takes her glasses off of her nose. Violet is the grandmother that I wish I had. I finger the ring in my left pocket and wait for the scolding that she gives me every Monday.

"Edward, when was the last time you went out and just got ripped?" I cough and she scowls at me. But ripped? Really? "What? You need to have some fun, sweetheart."

"I am having fun," I say and offer her my best smile. "It's your day to choose what we're having for lunch."

"I'm old, Edward, not stupid. I know when you're trying to distract me."

I laugh then and lean in to kiss her cheek. "No Thai," I tell her and then walk towards my desk.

"Edward! There you are. Were the trains backed up this morning?" I roll my eyes and turn around to face Kara Wellesley. Her smile is artificially sweet and is totally negated by her evil, dark, blue eyes. She doesn't have a single quality that redeems her from being the nastiest, most condescending bitch in the entire firm.

"Kara," I say with a tight nod.

"Edward, there are two new accounts that need to be covered today," she says and walks with me to my desk. "The first is an old lady who's about to die and wants to get her affairs in order. The second is a non-profit organization. Something about poor kids and music. You have to take one of them."

I place my briefcase down on my chair before turning to look at her. "I'll take the old woman."

"I'm taking the old woman," she says with a smirk.

"Why'd you give me both options if you weren't gonna let me choose?" I ask her and rub the pad of my thumb along the stone in my pocket.

She shrugs. "I just wanted you to feel like you had a choice." She offers me another smile and I want to punch her in the mouth. I press the stone into my finger until I feel just the smallest amount of pain. "Your appointment's in 15 minutes. Better get moving if the trains are moving slowly this morning."

She turns and saunters away, incredibly proud of herself, and I sigh, rubbing the back of my neck. I look down at the folder for the non-profit. It's all the way across town. I grab the folder and my briefcase and run.

***

I _can hear the clamor from my office from almost half a block away. The smile on my face can't be helped. I love my job. Even if it doesn't exactly bring in the money and my office is actually a loft without the proper permits, I never dread coming here and that's got to say something. The one good thing my upbringing gave me, job freedom._

_I climb the three flights of stairs and enter the always open door. Several people are rushing around the small space, yelling directions and insults as they work. No one pauses as I enter and weave my way deeper into the madness. A coffee is shoved into my hand and my smile widens. Perfection._

_I drop into my desk chair and watch the chaos for several minutes taking great pride in knowing that I had something to do with it all._

"_Hey Izzy? Stein and Meyer called to say their guy might be a little late," Angela calls out to me. The heavy sigh gushes out of me without thought. Oh yes, the pencil neck. I had almost forgotten. My head rolls back onto the top of my chair and I knowingly avoid that reality for just a moment longer._

_The pencil neck is only here to help. I repeat the statement over and over in my mind before pushing myself up and towards my pitiful attempt at book keeping. I nearly run into Angela again before making it to my destination._

"_You want me to stick around to help?" she asks. She's got a messenger back over her shoulder and her arms are loaded with paperwork, but of course she offers. It's one of the reasons I can't get by without her. She handles all the paperwork, all the stuff that bores me to sleep, she can't get enough of._

"_No I can handle one measly pencil neck," I assure her. She raises an eyebrow to question that statement, but I wave her off. If I can't do this what kind of director am I? The office quiets as Angela leaves taking the team with her. I finally arrive at the single closet and place my hands over the knobs fearing the reaction when I open the doors._

_I jerk them open and clench my eyes shut waiting for the crash, but there isn't one. Miraculously everything stays in place. Score one for me. I begin to dig through the contents smiling at the accumulation._

_Being a nonprofit isn't glamorous by any means, but nothing can beat the high of watching a kid touch the keys of a piano for the first time. And that's what I get to do every day. Bring music into schools that have been silent for years. It's amazing really what a little music can do._

_The familiar feel good rushes over me and I almost forget what brought me to the closet in the first place. Soon enough it wears off a little and I continue my dig. Boxes of photos fall to the ground, littering evidence of our success all over the floor. I ignore the pull to reminisce and keep digging. Finally the familiar tattered leather appears and I smile. And Angela says I'm not organized._

_The feeling of accomplishment lingers until I see the mess that I've made._

"_Damn pencil neck. Not worth all this time and effort," I grumble. I begin to push everything back in the general direction of the closet. This is not going well._

"_He better praise my preparatory skills," I hiss as I continue to push. Just as I have the mess almost cleaned up, someone clears their throat behind me and I lose my balance._

"_Fuckety fuck!" _

_It just slips out and suddenly I'm flat on my back, lying on top of all my hard work. Who the hell does this person think they are? Suddenly a shadow falls over me and a hand reaches out to help me. I take it begrudgingly and escape from the pit. _

_Once on my feet I take a moment to straighten my shirt before looking up. I see his shoes first. Sensible, it's the pencil neck. I can feel a sneer working its way onto my face, but I fight it back. The pencil neck is only here to help._

_I skip detailing the rest of the outfit and go straight for his face, might as well get this over with. And then there was green._

***

I have, officially, walked into my worst nightmare. The woman, who looks more like a girl, was mumbling to herself when I walked into her office. Somebody directed me to her even though I asked for the director of this place.

I help her to her feet and look down at wide brown eyes.

Surely I didn't hear her say 'fuckety fuck'.

"Are you alright?" I ask her, taking in the messy hair, distressed and distracted eyes, and full pink lips.

"Depends. What's your definition of fine?" she asks and smoothes down a large white t-shirt covered in a variety of colors. I can't tell if it came with the paint on it or not. It probably came with it; she seems like that kind of girl. "Everything important is intact, so I would say yes, I'm fine."

I cock my head to the side and give her a funny look. "Do you know where I might be able to find…" I look down at the folder in my hands. "Isabella Swan?"

She laughs and raises her hand. "Present."

I can't help it when my mouth falls open and I take her in again from the top of her shiny but messy brown hair, to the paint covered t-shirt, down her faded jeans, and finally landing on her grey flip flops and purple toenails. _Purple toenails_. I'm supposed to work seriously with someone who has purple toenails. "You're Isabella Swan? You run this place?"

"Didn't we just call roll?" I just stand there and blink at her. Clearly unaffected by my silence, she continues speaking and laughs and says, "But I guess we're working repetition today… so, yes, I am Isabella Swan and yes, I am the director of this 'place' as you so sweetly called it. I would assume that makes you the pencil nee… I mean consultant from Stein and Meyer?"

A huge, dazzling grin breaks across her face as she extends her arm, offering me her hand. Her fingernails are also purple. For god's sake.

I muster up the kindest face I can manage and place my hand in hers. It's small and smoother than I expected as she tightens her fingers around my hand and gives it two strong shakes. "Edward Cullen." When she frees my hand, I stuff it into my pocket, feeling for the stone, hoping it'll provide a little bit of calm. But considering the mayhem surrounding me, I'm clearly hoping for a miracle.

***

_His name sounds more like a death sentence than anything else. His face is so stern as he waits for me to offer a reply, but I've already given him my name twice and this is my first interaction with a pencil neck so I have no idea what comes next. I rock back on my heels a little and wait for him to take charge, but he does little more than stare at a particularly large paint stain on my shirt._

_Judging of course. No wonder he couldn't believe I run this 'place'. The brown leather case catches my eye again and I grin. I reach for it and bring it in front of me holding it out like it's the holy grail of all things pencil neck. Only he doesn't look at it like the Holy Grail. He's looking at it like it's a six-foot boa constrictor._

"_I know it's unorthodox, but I've kept most of the paperwork in here," I explain patting the side of the worn guitar case. His face relaxes slightly and his finger goes to push his glasses back up on the bridge of his nose. I think those glasses might be the most likable part of him. Mostly because they are not an actual extension of his body and all the judging he is doing._

_I smile winningly again at him just because it seems to makes him so nervous. I gesture towards my desk._

"_Where do you want to start?"_

_I am trying to be the leader, but this is like the blind leading the man with 20/20 sight and I would love for him to take over at any time. He reaches back and rubs the back of his neck as his eyes visually appraise the office. He sighs slightly before bringing his gaze back to mine._

"_Is there someplace we can sit down?" he asks. I look down my extended arm towards my desk that I am still pointing at. I can't help but laugh. I begin to make my way through the mess, but then I realize that he is firmly rooted to his spot._

_Without much thought I reach back, take his arm, and tug him behind me. Apparently pencil necks aren't much different from the children I deal with every day. When we arrive at my desk I push him towards my desk chair and sink into the metal folding chair across from him. I wouldn't want him to feel unwelcome._

_It takes him a moment to position himself, but them I can see everything fall into place as he lays the guitar case on the desk and expertly flicks open the latches. My eyebrow raises, I know the signs of a musician when I see them. Could this be a musician desk jobbing as a pencil neck?_

_His eyes widen at the sheer amount of paper bulging from the space and I wince slightly. I was pretty sure that would be his reaction._

"_How bad is it?" I ask. He swallows slowly and pulls a handful of crumpled paper out of the case._

"_How many years worth of bills and receipts are in here?" he asks. I bite my lower lip and want nothing more to skip that question. I have no doubt what his response will be._

"_Two….maybe three years?" And there it is. All out shock and disgust. And that, ladies and gentlemen, is why I called in the professionals. _

_He takes a deep breath and then drops the papers back into the case. Slowly he rolls up the sleeves of his shirt. That does not look like a good sign. I was hoping for a light hearted 'It'll be no problem'. But I knew that was just a pipe dream._

_At least now, with his hair pointing in all directions and his top button undone he looks a little more human, a little less robotic. He runs his hands through the papers several times before meeting my gaze again. Why do I get the feeling I am in trouble?_

"_What kind of business are you running here?"_

_Ouch. That one was below the belt. I straighten my posture._

"_A damn good one thank you very much."_

_I realize that was not the reply he was expecting when he chuckles briefly. Even more human of him. I half smile at him before taking a deep breath._

"_Listen, I know that this is a mess and probably the least professional or organized way you have ever seen finances kept, but I love this business. I love being the one who brings music back to school and to kids and I'm sorry if I thought that a guitar case would suffice. But, I hired you so obviously I know that was wrong and I would just really, really appreciate your help."_

_My little speech has left my out of breath and I'm sure red in the face, but I force myself to keep my eyes on him as he tilts his head to the side and reaches into his pocket. His hand stays there for awhile before he closes his eyes, sighs and looks at me once more._

_I grit my teeth in anticipation. Like his answer could make or break me when I know in reality there are a long list of consultants in the phone book and I could always call another. But for some reason I don't want another. I want him and his musician hands._

***

Passion. The passion pours out of her and lights up her eyes as she all but begs for me to understand. And who am I to deny passion? I think maybe I, better than anyone else, understand how important it is to be passionate about something. That without it, without that deep burning in your gut to just do something, you're nothing.

Maybe that's why I find myself wanting to say yes despite the cluster fuck I'm facing. Maybe it'll be nice for a few days to just work with someone who feels something that I haven't felt in years. Maybe the kindness and honesty in her brown eyes is something that I just need to see in another human being.

I look down at the guitar case and then back up at her face and it's hopeful, her eyes all but pleading with me.

"Alright, Isabella," I say with a small nod and stretch my arm across the table. She clasps my hand in both of hers and that smile slowly begins to form on her lips again. "Let's get started."

The smile spreads quickly, lighting up her entire face, and she mouths a silent "thanks." And I can't help the smile that spreads across my face in return.


	3. Chapter 3

Hey all! We're new to this so pardon the random, sporadic a/n. Thanks sp much to all that reviewed! We love this, but we would love even more to know what you think….so please let us know! Once again...off-the-deep-end makes all this craziness possible!

***********

_This morning I saw 13 at the coffee shop on the way to work. It was a complete violation of the unspoken my turf/his turf clause in the break up. He was a nice guy. Even took me to the ballet; which went really well until I fell asleep. Midterms will do that to you. He's married now, to my chemistry lab partner I introduced to him when I was fading myself out of his life._

_It should make me happy. He has found something with her that I could have never given him, but more than anything it stung. His numbered scar opened a little and burned. But it wasn't anything that over enthusiasm and a chai couldn't fix. And yet as I round the corner into my office the hand holding the hot drink shakes just a little._

_I grit my teeth and plaster on the grin my staff expects from me. It's all about decisions and I made mine about 13. I spared him._

"_Izzy!" The chorus that greets me peels the insincerity from my face. I hold up my drink in salute and begin to make my way to the desk, but then I stop. My desk is…occupied._

_I had almost forgotten about the pencil neck. I should really stop calling him that. Edward I suppose then. Eddie maybe? My eyes flicker over his hunched frame. No, doesn't look like an Eddie. Too serious._

_His concentration serves as the perfect guise to look him over without shame. He isn't as old as he carries himself. Not much older than I am if at all. But, he hides it well. The starched shirt, the unblemished loafers, the whole package. It makes me want to spill coffee all over it just to release him from the conformity._

_My attention diverts to the drink in my hand again. Shit. I should have gotten him something. That would have been the nice thing to do. Unfortunately I was too distracted by the burning to think that far ahead. My lips purse as I realize what I am going to have to do._

"_Morning Edward!" _

_I hope that sounded pleasant and not remorseful. It takes every ounce of good will inside of me to place my beloved chai on the desk into front of him._

"_I got you a chai, I hope you like them," I say surely. Please God let him say no. Say no, say no. His eyes dart between the newly foreign object invading his workspace and my face. I hold my smile steady. I will be nice to the pencil neck._

"_Chai what?" he asks looking up at my blankly. He blinks a few times as the absurdness of it all washes over me. Surely he jests._

"_A Chai latte. Coffee of sorts?" I explain._

_It's a reach calling it coffee. It's so much more than coffee. Surely they educate pencil necks on these things. Now my noble effort seems wasted. I want to snatch it back and take back the offer._

"_Um thank you, for the thought, but I only drink regular coffee," he smiles tersely. I an torn between demanding that he drink in and experience TRUE coffee and kissing him for not making me be that noble. _

_I chew the inside of my cheek and argue both sides in my mind. Before I can make up my mind I realize that he is still looking at me, waiting for my response. I reach down and move the offending object from his sight and bring it to my lips. There is no chance of my eyes not closing and savoring this moment._

"_Your loss. Let me know if you need anything," _

_I don't wait for a response before I make my way over to my frantic team. Let him wade through the misery of paperwork alone then._

***

I stare down at the numbers in front of me and attempt to focus, because this particular job requires more focus than I think even the average person has; but I can't. I can't focus because she just breezed away and left a trail of sweet coconuts in her wake.

That was strange. Strange but sweet. I was shocked that she thought to get me something. I don't know why she would assume that I'd be a chai person, but it was sweet.

And she's slightly more presentable than she was yesterday. She may have actually combed her hair.

I sigh and rub the back of my neck. I have to focus. I don't know what possessed me to say yes to doing this. Clearly a huge lapse in judgment on my part.

I catch a whiff of coconut and look up. I know why I took this job. I don't know the complete reason but I know the basics. She's standing, not even ten feet away from me, shuffling through papers and laughing in between a story she's telling. She throws whatever paper she isn't interested in onto the floor and I gape.

Then again, I shouldn't be surprised—she was so careless with her finances it would follow that she'd be careless with everything else as well.

I push back from the desk and walk over to her. It's when I'm kneeling down to lift the paper off the floor that I realize that I didn't think this through at all.

I stuff my left hand into my pocket and wrap my fingers around the ring before I clear my throat. "Excuse me, Isabella?" She doesn't hear me, too wrapped up in the story she's telling. Something about a boy and a bear rug. Something about those two things in the same sentence make my throat constrict.

I try again. "Isabella?" Again, she doesn't hear me. I sigh and take a deep breath before I reach out and tap her shoulder. "Isabella."

She spins around, sending at least a dozen more papers flying through the air, with her laughter still evident on her face. "Hey, I didn't see you there. Have you finally come to your senses and decided to run screaming for your office?"

I stare at her for a moment, still amazed that anybody could smile with such enthusiasm, and especially amazed that anyone might be able to smile with such enthusiasm at me. "Um, no, I just… you dropped this," I say and offer the paper to her lamely. "But you dropped a few more. Let me just…" I bend down and begin to collect the other papers.

"No, no, please don't pick up after me," she says hastily and kneels down next to me. "I'm already in your debt for helping and if you do this how will I ever break even?"

There's the coconut again. "It's fine," I tell her and take a deep breath and force my heart rate to slow. Her fingers brush my arm as she reaches for a sheet of paper that's out of her reach, and she squeals as she loses her balance in the effort.

Her laughter is broken up with a few snorts as she lands on her ass. Obviously she is okay, so I just stare at her as she laughs and snorts and I can't help the small smile that twitches at my lips.

"Bella," I say softly when her laughter begins to die down. Isabella seems like far too serious a name for her. "Are you alright?"

I offer her my hand and pull her to her feet.

"Izzy," she says and wipes the backs of her legs off. "Call me Izzy."

I frown slightly and tilt my head. Izzy doesn't suit her either. "You're okay?"

"Oh, love, that was nothing. Stick around and you'll see much worse." She grins up at me and I feel my heart squeeze again. I've been smiled at, daily; I don't know why I'm suddenly having such an adverse reaction to it.

"Alright, well, I'll be over there," I say stupidly and motion towards the desk. "If you need me."

"And I'll be here," she says, laughter in her voice. "If you need me."

***

_The silence suddenly coating the office makes me nervous. I turn back to my team and take in their frozen poses. My brows furrow in confusion._

"_What?" I demand. I immediately check the rear of my pants making sure I didn't do any damage with my minor fall. That would not be good. I spin a little trying to see before eliminating that worry._

"_You were flirting with him," Jacob the intern hisses. His young face is red with the admission. I laugh openly, letting my head fall back. _

"_Jacob love, that was hardly flirting," I inform him patting his tense arm. His eyes fix on the contact and I retract quickly. Angela has told me several times that he may have some kind of schoolboy crush on me and I do not want him to be 23. I cross my arms awkwardly over my chest and sigh._

"_So we need to make sure all the donation forms are ready, what else?" I ask, trying to get the team back to work. Papers rustle and Angela nods her agreement._

"_The silent auction needs to be typed out, minimum bids, donators and all that," she rattles off. I nod and glance back at Jacob who is still red in the face._

"_Would you mind Jake?" He needs the distraction. He nods his answer and leaves the small circle._

_And then there were two. My team has to be small, at least at first. Hopefully eventually it will involve many more people and touch many more children, but our foundation is still a baby._

"_Have you finally confirmed all the acts?" I ask, not bothering to raise my eyes from the act order. This has to go well, it will mean adding another school to out benefactors. Which is huge, we only have two so far._

_It's been slow work, painfully slow at times, but it's so much more than showing up with a giant check written out to the school. There are contracts to be signed, relationships to be built and most importantly money to be brought in. This brings me back to the pencil neck. _

_I glance over at my desk where he has started to sort my mess into several piles. At least it looks like progress. He runs both hands through his hair and I can't help but smile at the mess he leaves in his wake._

"_He's right you know," Angela states. I whip my head back towards her._

"_Who is right?" I ask. I start to push all the paper in front of me into a single pile. There has to be some method in all this mess._

"_Jake. You were flirting with the accountant," she says nonchalantly. I roll my eyes. Angela thinks I'm flirting when I drop a couple quarters in the baristas tip cup to ensure an extra shot of espresso. _

"_I was being friendly. Friend not enemy, remember? Besides he's doing something I can't so I should be nice, right? Make sure he wants to do right by us?" I reply. Angela chuckles under her breath. I hate when she does that. I hated it in college and I hate it now._

"_What, Goddess of all things pertaining to Izzy?" I patronize. She shakes her head and sighs._

"_Oh nothing. What number would he be? 46? 47?" she teases. I roll my eyes and give her a small shove. She would use my toll against me._

"_Shut your mouth Angela. There is no law against being nice to someone. Besides, he's an accountant, how many people do you think are actually nice to him?" I retort. _

"_Everyone is confirmed and Smooth called to confirm the catering. I think we're set," she continues. See. I am right. Crisis avoided for the moment. We continue to pass information back and forth. Even though this looks like chaos it's really controlled perfection._

_I settle down on the floor and begin to make the event come to life on the space in front of me. This is what I love; seeing it all come together. Seeing weeks of organization and work come to pass. And this is going to be especially amazing. Finally people are wanting to support our cause, volunteering their time and voices._

_My knee starts bouncing to the music I can hear in my head. Pencil neck coughs and my music is cut off. I tilt my head slightly so I can see him just out of the corner of my eye. He looks confused. Beyond confused- irritated. Not a good look on him._

_I groan a little as I push myself up off the ground and across the room to him._

"_I feel like I should apologize for something, but I don't know what," I offer._

***

She doesn't know what to apologize for. She _wouldn't_ know what to apologize for. She wouldn't think that giving somebody this horrendous job might warrant an apology. Or that I can't work when she's sitting five feet away from me and I can smell the coconuts and hear her say something to herself every so often.

I run my fingers through my hair. "How do you run anything like this?" I ask her and it comes out a little more harshly than I intend it to, but I'm frustrated. "There are bills that haven't been paid since last year in here."

"Huh," she says and bites her lip. And the face is just a lot cuter than it should be right now. Her hair's gotten messier as the day has progressed and she's blinking at me with possibly the most adorable, clueless expression on her face. And I just can't. I dig for the ring and press my thumb against it. "I think Angela might have some of the paid accounts."

"Angela _might_ have some of the paid accounts?" This is a joke. One day I'm going to look back at this and I'm going to laugh. If it doesn't kill me first. "Who's Angela?"

"Seriously? Hold on."

I watch her all but skip over to the woman she had been speaking to earlier and bend over to talk to her. I watch as she reaches under Angela's desk and her hand emerges with a small box. And then she grabs Angela's arm and all but drags her to the back.

"Ang, this is Edward, who is saving us from finance hell. Edward, this is Angela, my slave driver," Bella introduces with another adorable little smile. And… when did I start thinking of her as Bella?

I rub my forehead. "Right, Angela. Hello, it's a pleasure to meet you. You wouldn't happen to have some of the paid accounts?"

Angela smiles. "It's nice to meet you," she says and I see her shoot a look at Bella… Isabella… Izzy? Whatever. She shoots her a look and then looks at me again. Why can't this place just have the tiniest semblance of order? "It's amazing that you can actually make some order of this mess. Maybe you and Iz should discuss a part-time position? Keep us all in line."

I just stare at her and wonder what a job that'd last more than a few weeks here would do to me. I'd probably have an aneurism by the end of the year. Definitely an ulcer. And then I shift my eyes and look at Bella who's shooting her friend an annoyed expression and holding onto a heman lunchbox. And I can't help the laughter that just builds and then bubbles out of me.

When my laughter finally ceases, I take a deep breath and put my hand on my stomach. That hurt. I haven't laughed that hard in… I don't know, a long time. And I look up and both girls are staring at me. Angela looks slightly frightened but I don't look at her long enough to care. I look at Bella and she's staring at me with an amused expression on her face.

I clear my throat. "Excuse me. Sorry."

"Why are you apologizing?" Bella asks, eyes wide and sparkling down at me. "Heman can take a good laugh at his expense."

I loosen the top button of my shirt and roll my shoulders around before extending my arms. "I can take it," I say bravely. "Let's see what's inside."

She hands it to me and I open the lunchbox slowly, taking a moment to remember sitting in the cafeteria in elementary school with my Superman lunchbox. And I know I visibly cringe when I see more crumpled papers inside because she sighs.

"If I apologized again would you stop looking at Heman like that?" she asks and I look up to find her staring down at me anxiously. Angela has retreated to her desk.

"At some point before I finish, you and I are going to have a really long talk about how organization can make your life, both professional and personal, so much better."

"Ugh," she says and a look of pure disgust crosses her features. "Let's hope you never finish then."

And then she flashes me a big smile and bounces off. I close my eyes for a moment and just breathe. This is going to kill me.

***

_I wave Angela out the door and rest my hands on my hips. There is nothing left to do here. I methodically move around the room, switching off lights and collecting things I'll need tonight. and collecting pieces of my wardrobe I've left about. My shoes are next to the coffee maker, my jacket thrown over the fish tank. I am about to turn out the last light when I realize that I'm not alone._

_My body freezes as I watch Edward continue to meticulously sort out the mess. His eyes move from pile to pile as his hand darts out to place things in the appropriate place. Never a missed beat, never a hesitation. I envy that._

_He pauses and takes a long breath, letting his eye lids close. He really does look so much better at the end of the day. From a completely objective perspective. There is nothing attractive about being so tightly wound. At least now there is a comfort in the way he moves. I reach into my bag and dig around for the envelope I know is there._

_I make sure to make noise on my way over to announce my presence. He looks up at me over the rims of his glasses and, can it be so, almost smiles. Almost._

"_I guess it's quitting time."_

_Wow. I really just said that. How awful. I chuckle at my own expense. He glances down at his perfectly placed practical watch and then back up at me._

"_Wow, I completely lost track of the time," he breathes. I laugh again._

"_Complete chaos will do that to you," I reply. He nods and doesn't argue. We both know how bad it really is. He begins to gather his things and I rock back and forth on my heels, watching. Just before he stands I toss the envelope on the desk in front of him. He stares at it blankly._

"_It's for the event we're having tonight. We've been talking about it all day in front of you, so I figured you might want to come," I offer. He picks it up slowly and turns it over in his hands, but doesn't open it._

"_It's a benefit for a school we're starting to fund. A lot of great local bands are playing and there's free food."_

_I don't know why I am trying to convince him to come. _

"_Thank you," he says softly. There is a pause and I try not to look like a little girl who is about to find out whether or not she's getting a pony for Christmas._

"_But, I actually have a, um, dentist appointment, so I don't think I'll be able to make it," he babbles. I take the disappointment right in the gut, but smile through it. A simple no would have sufficed._

"_Ok, well all the information is there if you change your mind." _

_Hopefully that sounded indifferent. He smiles tersely at me and pushes his glasses up on his nose once again._

"_I guess I'll see you tomorrow then?" I ask. I watch as his hand reaches into his pocket again. The nervous ticks this man possesses. A whole arsenal._

"_Yeah…yes, I'll see you tomorrow. Have a good night, Bella."_

_I don't have the energy or heart to correct him again. I wait for him to leave before pulling the door shut behind me, the lock giving me an excuse not to walk down with him. Stupid Angela. There was no chance that man would ever want to be a number on my tragic list. Not that I wanted him to be. Or course not. Even if I did have the slightest thing for green eyes._

****

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	4. Chapter 4

A/N- Can't say enough about those of you who reviewed....it fuels our manic fire. Please keep them coming! As always....none of this would be possible without our FANTASTIC beta... off-the-deep-end. Read on!

***

_It feels forced._

"_We're working with the school to renovate an old classroom into a music space and we already have some great instruments donated, so its really just about how much more we can give these kids. That's what tonight is about," I gush. My cheeks hurt from forcing a smile most of the night, but I held it in place. The words are like second nature, I don't have to think them through, but nothing is coming as easily to me tonight._

_I want to blame it on the fact the I didn't get a chance to meet with all the bands before the event started or that I couldn't find my lucky heels and am therefore wearing a hardly lucky replacement, but why lie to myself?_

_My eyes flit towards the door again and I grit my teeth preparing myself for the inner scolding that I am about to unleash on myself. There isn't anyone else you should be watching for. The bands are all here, the caterers showed up on time for once, and requisite friends are all present. Yet my eyes ache from the constant travel back and forth._

"_You're doing great things Ms. Swan, I'm happy to help in any way I can," Mr. Finch states. I release the breath I was holding and smile genuinely. I shake his hand and send him off in the direction of Angela. I watch his path across the crowded room and feel a small sense of accomplishment as she hands over the paperwork. At least I am not ruining this event. It wouldn't be fair to everyone else who worked so hard._

_I sink back towards the bar ready to take a break. There's really no point in watching the door any longer. The official hours of the event have ended. The musicians on the stage are playing out of sheer amusement and most people are lingering to ride out a buzz. _

"_You want anything?"_

_I glance back at the bartender and bite my lip. I really shouldn't I am here to work. My eyes flit back to the still door and the thinning party. Why not?_

"_White wine?" He nods and reaches below the bar. One won't hurt. I pull the drink to my lips and take a long sip. My chest heaves with the weight of a sigh and I let my mind unwind. Instantly, everything I have been trying to keep at bay rushes forward._

_He didn't come. Not that he said he would. The way he looked at the invite and his general warm demeanor should have made this obvious. And still I hoped. Damn hope. Why? Why would I want him here? He would stand out like a sore thumb with his tie and shiny shoes. I can just see him hugging the wall to avoid brushing shoulders with anyone._

_I take another long sip and try to shake him from my head. The music blares to life again and I smile to see a cluster of different members from different bands playing around on stage. My wine is gone and refilled before I can talk myself out of it and I lean back against the bar and enjoy. The room grows warm and increasingly friendly. The smile on my face relaxes and I realize that despite everything else this was a success and that feels good._

"_Can I buy you another?" The voice breaks into my self-congratulations and I'm agitated until I realize that I could use a refill. I nod my answer and keep my eyes on the stage. The drink is replaced in my hand I force myself to look at the provider. He's short, but I can't see much else in the dim light._

_Rejection pads his chances and I let him sidle up next to me and ignore his lingering gaze on my face. When I can feel his breath on my cheek I turn my eyes towards him again._

"_Thanks so much for the wine," I say hoping to dismiss him with my words. He smiles toothily and I try to reply. Nope, don't have it in me. I try to nonchalantly push my stool away from him, but he follows._

"_This was a really fantastic event," He begins. I nod and pull the glass to my lips again. I sigh and look towards Angela who is gathering all the paperwork and pushing Jacob out the door with arms full of our future. I smile at the thought and my new friend next to me thinks it's meant for him._

"_It looks like everything is wrapping up….so thanks for the drink." I barely get the words out before he's pushed his lips into mine. I can taste the alcohol on his breath and I pull back before he can push his tongue into my mouth._

"_You ready, Iz?" I glare up at Emmett who has chosen now and not two minutes ago to play the rescue card. I jump up from the stool and press myself into Emmett's side. _

"_Thanks again for the drinks!" I say before tugging Emmett towards the door. I can feel him shake with laughter next to me. I smack his arm and fail and trying to pull him faster._

"_22 ½ already, Iz?" he asks breathless from his damn laughing. I roll my eyes and grit my teeth._

"_There can't be halves Emmett," I chide. _

"_Oh I beg to argue. Did you see him? He was definitely ½. Plus he didn't get past the lips so, yeah, 22 ½ he is," he decides. The outside air clears my head and ushers in the exhaustion. I lean heavily on Emmett and wish for my bed. I want this all behind me. 22 ½, too many white wines and the stupid pencil neck with the shiny shoes._

***

I run my thumb along the corner of the invitation in my pocket. A dentist appointment? I actually told her that I couldn't go to the party because I had a dentist appointment. At 8 on a Friday night. I'm an asshole. A stupid asshole.

The stupidest part being that I'm still actually considering it.

I let myself into the apartment and cringe at the smell and the smoke coming from the kitchen.

"Hannah?" I call out and drop my briefcase on the floor before I kick my shoes off and un-tuck my shirt. "Hannah?"

"In here."

I walk into the kitchen and she's waving a towel over the smoke detector with a frustrated look on her face. "What're you doing?"

I open the fridge and grab a beer. "Well, I managed to save the chicken I just don't want the alarm to go off," she tells me. I walk over to the window and push it up, letting the cool air in and take a deep drink from my beer. "Oh, Edward, don't drink that right now it'll ruin your appetite."

"I ate a late lunch at work actually," I lie because I can't bare the thought of putting another piece of her botched chicken in my mouth.

She frowns. "You're just gonna get hungry later and you're not supposed to eat late. It's bad for you."

"I'll be okay." I step closer to her and lean in to place a light kiss on her lips. She smiles briefly before she pulls away. "How was your day?" I ask.

"Nothing worth noting. How was yours?"

I watch her cut the inevitably dry chicken and take another drink from my beer. She's so methodical about everything. Every movement is perfect, every strand of hair is in place, and her clothes are never wrinkled. I don't think I've ever seen her in any sort of casual, relaxed outfit.

"I told you about that new account I picked up, right?"

Her eyes narrow as she starts slicing a tomato. "I think so."

I know I told her about it last night when I got home, but I won't press. "It's the craziest work environment. Today they handed me a metal He-man lunchbox filled with wrinkled papers of their accounts." I shake my head and cover my laugh with the beer.

She makes an unpleasant sound and then turns to look at me with disgust on her face. "What kind of person runs that place?" she asks, sitting down at the counter with a spritzer. I stopped asking her why she wouldn't let herself indulge in one full glass of wine once a week. She says they're too fattening. "Honestly, Edward, don't you think you're slightly overqualified?"

I clear my throat and lean against the counter. "Not really, no."

"For god's sake, you're working in a zoo. What kind of mature, self-respecting, business woman keeps her finances in Incredible Hulk lunch boxes?"

"It was He-man," I mumble, fighting the urge to defend Bella, knowing Hannah would never understand.

"What?" she asks.

"Never mind." I lean over and try to grab a slice of tomato from her plate, but she slaps the back of my hand once and hard. I snatch it back.

"I swear to god you have some of the worst manners," she says and puts the tomato into her mouth. "You don't just stick your dirty hand on somebody else's plate, Edward. If you want something, ask."

I clench my jaw and slide off the stool. "Sorry. I'm gonna go take a shower."

I walk into the bedroom where the bed has been perfectly made and the ugly, useless pillows are perfectly aligned on top of the comforter again, and sigh. Sometimes, when things are perfect all the time, I develop this huge anxiety because I'm so afraid of messing them up.

I take the ring out of my pocket first and slip it into the Advil bottle before I pull the invitation out. I stare at it for a moment and fight the urge to bring it to my nose to see if any of her coconut is lingering there on the small sheet. I can't help it. I stare at the invitation until my eyes tear up and I smile when I think of Bella. And part of me wishes I was strong enough to go to her.

***

_I love being at the office first; the feeling of turning everything on and starting it all up for the day. The soft hum that I can hear only when no one else is there. I flip the switch on my computer and sink into my chair. The hum urges my eyes closed and I obey the urge._

_My breathing evens out and I can almost feel my subconscious expelling all the shit that built up over the weekend. Breath in, pencil neck not coming to the event out. Breath in, 22 ½ out. Breath in, Emmett's endless teasing out. Already I feel so much lighter._

_It's funny how work can bring me so much peace and relaxation when for most people it's the opposite. I sink deeper into the chair, slumping my shoulders as I fully let go. I might have ended up as a puddle of goo on the ground had the door knob not turned at the exact moment._

_The door scrapes along the floor as its pushed open and I open one eye to witness the intruder. I expect Angela, maybe Jacob. Instead I see the unruly hair and striped tie. Fantastic. There goes my Zen._

_I don't move from my position as he pushes the door closed behind him and rearranges everything in his hands. And he's carrying a lot. I fight the urge to rush over and offer to help. It will be my small moment of anger against a man who really did nothing wrong. After all, he did say he wasn't coming._

_He finally gets everything in place and looks up. I straighten a little in my chair, which has become his chair, as he makes eye contact. I smile only slightly, fearing anything else might scare him off._

"_Morning." My voice comes out so slight I'm not sure if he heard me. He walks slowly towards me like he is scared I might spook as well. This causes my smile to widen slightly. When he reaches me he sets a cup down in front of me._

"_Chai latte, I think it was," he states almost proudly. I stare at the cup and only break my gaze to look up at him. Why would he have remembered that? It makes me want to think things about him that I can't, I won't. But despite my efforts I feel my insides warm slightly and I know this could be bad._

"_Thanks," I stammer. He nods his response and looks at me expectantly. I keep my eyes locked on his. I keep my breathing even and let myself relax again. This is going to be disastrous. He taps his foot slightly and breaks our stare to glance at the desk which is still covered by the contents of He-man's lunchbox. Shit I am in his seat._

_I scramble from the chair and feel a little anxiety settle back in. Good, too much comfort leads down paths I don't like to take. His hand reaches into his pocket before he side steps towards the chair. What the hell does he have in that pocket? I fix my stare there until I realize that it's too close to another area._

_I drag my eyes back to his and smile forcedly. He clears his throat and slides into the chair._

"_How was your party? I'm sorry I couldn't make it," he says. It should be regarded as harmless small talk, but it instantly brings back the small weight I had just expelled. I take another deep breath and try to push it back out, but it's lodged firmly in my chest._

"_It was very successful. We were able to raise all the money we need and a little extra," I reply. He gets business Izzy today. People who bail on perfectly good parties don't get friendly, smiley Izzy. Even if they did bring a chai latte. I bring the mentioned drink to my lips and sip. It fills my mouth and I sigh. How did he know to have it sweetened?_

_He bobs his head and begins to unload the briefcase I didn't see him carry in. I ease away from the desk just as the clamor in the stairwell announces the rest of my team. I need them right now; I need to be completely lost in work right now._

"_Jacob, drag your ass up here. I do not care that you think you sprained your thumb. I don't even think that's possible." Angela's last words are muttered as she pushes the door fully open and props it that way. Several notebooks balance in her outstretched arms and I don't hesitate to rush to help her. She after all came to the party. Not that she had a choice._

"_Good morning?" I ask her. She smiles widely and her enthusiasm seeps into to me. The desk in the corner and its occupant leave my mind as she fills it with our shared passion and work. I sink into the bean bag next to her desk and serve as her extra desk space holding out my arms willing to be used as she organizes._

_Jacob enters the room with a huff and I can't help but laugh at his red face. He tries to scowl at me, but it doesn't work as he tosses his part of the paperwork onto the desk effectively ruining all of Angela's progress. She growls at him and he smirks happy with the result. I lean back and laugh, really laugh, now that they are not paying any attention to me._

"_Just go to your damn class Jacob and don't bother coming back here today unless you plan to grovel to what you just did," she hisses at him. This just furthers my laughter. Soon I can't even catch my breath and both Angela and Jacob have stopped their bickering to just stare at me. I try to wave off their attention with my hand, but it does nothing._

_Once again I focus on my breathing and slowly regain my sanity. I wipe moisture from under my eyes and smile at them._

"_I don't know what happened before you got here, but I really needed that today, so thanks," I offer. Jacob shrugs before throwing his backpack over his shoulder and leaving. Angela refocuses on the paperwork, but slower._

"_Did something happen this weekend?" she asks. It's meant to sound nonchalant, but I can hear her curiosity._

"_I really don't want to talk about in Ang," I warn. And like the good friend she is, she simply nods and lets it go._

***

I tap my pen against the desk and try to pay attention to the numbers I'm calculating. But I've been doing this kind of work for years and it rarely require 100 percent of my attention. So 20 percent of my brain is focused on everything that it shouldn't be. Like coconuts. And things that look like coconuts on the female anatomy. And the way her eyes lit up when I handed her that stupid Chai drink that she seems to love so much.

I don't know what possessed me really, but on my way here I passed a Starbucks and then I turned back around and went inside. Starbucks in the morning is more of a madhouse than this place is. But seeing her face light up when I handed it to her made the minor headache it induced worth it.

She's been running around all morning, talking and laughing with everyone about the party, ignoring me. Well, maybe ignoring me is a bit extreme seeing as how she has no reason really to talk to me. But still. With the exception of the Chai exchange she isn't even looking at me today.

Maybe that's a good thing—that she isn't looking at me, that is, because I've been all but leering at her today. Her hair is pulled back and she's not wearing any makeup. Not that I have anything against makeup—Hannah has a 15 minute regiment in the morning with hers and it always looks amazing, but there's just something to be said about someone that can go out without any on.

What am I even thinking about right now?

I run my fingers through my hair even though Hannah always tells me not to because it makes me look sloppy and unprofessional afterwards. I have to stop thinking about this woman that runs around humming country music to herself while she works.

"Everything okay, Edward?"

I jump at the unexpected sound of my name and worry for a second that I've been speaking out loud to myself. But I haven't done that in years. I look up at Angela and give her my best confused look.

"Yeah, why wouldn't it be?" I ask.

She shrugs. "You're staring at those papers like they just told you a tortoise is conducting the express train."

What? And she laughs at the obvious confusion on my face. As if I'm the crazy one making references to talking receipts and tortoise train conductors.

I clear my throat. "Actually, I'm trying to figure out what I should file this under," I tell her, ignoring her statement entirely.

"Let's see." She comes and leans over me and hums quietly for a moment before lifting her head. "Izzy!" I jerk in shock at the obnoxiously loud sound of her voice. I'll be lucky if she didn't just severely damage my left ear drum. "Izzy! Edward needs your help."

I rub my forehead before I look up at Bella who's walking rather slowly towards us. When she finally reaches the desk she offers a polite smile and says, "You called?"

"Yeah," Angela answers. "Edward's trying to figure out what category he should put the laundry bill for your lingerie under."

I cough. I hadn't even realized that the items listed were underwear. She laughs and grabs it from my hand before I can take a closer look. "Probably under my bed with the rest of my lost receipts. This is mine. Sorry 'bout that, Edward."

Am I blushing?

I clear my throat and shake my head. "It's alright."

"Well, let me know if you need anything else," she says and saunters away arm in arm with Angela. I slip my hand into my pocket and feel for the ring, trying to convince myself that it's probably best that I didn't get a closer look at the details on that receipt. That imagining what kind of underwear is covering her ass under those jeans is bad news all around.

I stare down at the numbers again. I won't look up anymore today. I refuse to.

I get about fifteen minutes of work in before the door opens with a bang and my decision to stare at my desk for the rest of the day gets shot to hell. But it sounds like Godzilla just invaded the office. The thing is, the first person I look for is Bella. Any normal person would've looked at the door to see who just slammed the door open so hard it probably broke wall.

And she's staring at the door with a mixture of confusion and amusement on her face. I break my eyes away from her to see who she's staring at.

It seems like Godzilla personified did come in for a visit. And he's standing at the door with his tree trunk arms crossed over his massive chest with a grin on his face. And next to him is his polar opposite; a short guy with greasy hair who's shifting back and forth nervously.

"Izzy," Godzilla calls out, his voice laced in amusement. "Kevin came over to the house to see you."

I look at Bella who's staring at the two of them with so much confusion on her face. "Emmett, how many times have I told you that the door is not an expendable item? Good lord. And not to be rude, but do I know you?"

***

_Emmett's shit eating grin is freaking me out. I know that whoever the hell this 'Kevin' is this is going to be bad for me and too amusing for my ogre of a roommate. I glare at Emmett quickly and wait for 'Kevin's' response. He crosses and uncrosses his arms nervously._

"_We, um, met on Friday night, at the party?" he says. I am amazed I even understand him his voice is shaking so badly. I bite my lip and think about Friday. I met a lot of people that night. It's part of my job to meet everyone._

"_Did you forget something there? Or were you looking for more information about us?" I guess. People sometimes wait until later to donate or get involved, wanting the light of day and a formal setting before feeling safe about giving their money or time away. Emmett's grin gets even bigger, if possible and I want to smack it off his face._

_Kevin looks up at Emmett who nods him on encouragingly. I will strangle him later for whatever is making him this giddy. Kevin takes a few steps towards me eyeing everyone else in the room warily. His eyes linger on Edward, who is leaning forward his hands clenched in fists on top of the desk. What is his problem?_

"_I was hoping we could pick up where we left off? Have coffee maybe?" Kevin offers. I feel my head pull back involuntarily. Is he asking me out? Where we left off? Kevin looks back at Emmett again and gets the thumbs up. I grasp out at Angela's desk behind me and grab my Chai. _

"_Already have some, but thanks," I answer taking a pull of the now cool coffee. I try not to wince at the taste. I glare at Emmett and watch as he slowly raises his hands. He holds up two fingers, then one and then….what does a bent finger mean? And then he points at Kevin…oh hell no. 22 ½._

"_Then later maybe?" Kevin asks coming even closer. I am backed into the desk with nowhere to go. I look at Angela for help and she simply holds her hands up and laughs. Traitor._

"_I don't think that's a good idea Kevin, I don't get involved with potential donors." It makes sense even if I've never used the line before I'm hoping it will work. He keeps moving forward. Damn._

"_Then I won't donate," he answers. Ugh that one cut deep. Now I'm taking money away from the kids. I cringe and muster up words I don't like using._

"_Kevin I'm sorry I gave you the wrong idea, but this is not going to happen. I would love to talk to you more about our program, but that is the only thing I am willing to speak to you about." I hope I sound firm and resolute. Kevin's shoulders sag and he begins his retreat. I feel bad, but bite back any words of consolation. I don't want to bring him back. But this feels like shit. As he leaves I toss a clock at Emmett. He chuckles one last time before slinking through the doorway. I will deal with him later. I fall back into the bean bag and throw my arm over my eyes. That was just perfect. Just how I wanted to start my day._

_I feel a shadow loom over me and I almost reach for something to throw, but I can't even muster that energy. I raise my arm slowly and look up at the dark figure over me. _

"_I was going to get some more coffee and thought you might like another chai?" Edward's voice is unsure and it sounds odd on him. I nod and hand him my empty cup. He raises an eye brow, but takes it anyways._

"_Recycle and all that," I explain. He smiles._

"_How thoughtful of you," he laughs. _

"_Yeah well, I should do one good deed to counteract that fuckety fuck I just orchestrated," I groan. He chuckles again and then shakes his head to rid himself of the noise. He leaves before any more nonsense can leave my mouth and I'm grateful for his absence. This way I can sink into my misery and hopefully leave it behind me. And maybe he won't see me as the pariah I am._

***

I pull my collar up and duck my head as the cold fall air assaults my skin. I had to get out of there, had to get away from all of the weird things I felt after whatever that little fuckety fuck was. Fuckety fuck. I can't believe I actually just felt… what? Jealousy? I never get jealous and I especially don't get jealous over women that say things like fuckety fuck and throw clocks at people in the middle of an office.

I need the cold air. I need to clear my head of all of the shit that's been clogging it today.

I pull my phone out as I wait on another absurdly large line at Starbucks. This is my second time here in one day. I never drink Starbucks and I came twice in one day.

I hold down Hannah's speed dial and wait for her to answer.

"Edward? Is everything okay?" she asks but she sounds distracted.

"Yeah, everything's fine," I say quietly, hoping to maintain some semblance of privacy even though I know the effort is futile. "Just wanted to say hi."

"Oh." I can hear the confusion in her voice. We don't do this. We don't call each other in the middle of the day to say hi. How fucked up is it that my girlfriend thinks it's weird that I'm calling her in the middle of the day to say hello? "Are you sure everything's okay?"

I breathe out a laugh and take a step forward. "Of course. I'm not allowed to call to say hi?"

"Of course you're allowed to call," she says and I can tell that I've lost her attention again. "I'm just a little busy, that's all."

"Oh, okay. I was wondering if maybe you wanna go out for dinner tonight? Maybe for some Mexican?"

I wrap my fingers around the ring and take another step forward. She huffs in disgust. "Edward, you know I don't eat Mexican food. It destroys my stomach."

I know. I haven't had Mexican in months. "Right."

"Let's go to that Thai place," she offers.

I sigh. "I hate Thai, Hannah."

"You just think you hate Thai. It's an acquired taste. Meet me at Charm at 7, okay?"

I run my fingers through my hair and blow out a noisy breath. "Alright."

"Have a good rest of your day. And call me if you're running late." She hangs up before I get a chance to respond.

"Sir? Sir, can I help you?" A snappy, irritated voice interrupts my self-wallowing.

"Sorry. Can I get a large Chai latte sweetened."

She lifts an eyebrow at me. "Venti, you mean?"

God, what is with people today? "Yes, venti," I snap annoyed at myself, annoyed at rude Starbucks employees, annoyed at snotty pretentious names for coffee cups, annoyed at Hannah, and annoyed at the woman back at that office that I can't stop thinking about.

"Anything else?"

They don't have liquor back there, do they? "And a venti coffee."

I pay and with both cups in my hand I head back out into the blue skies and cold air. I want to just stay outside because the air feels good and the people rushing around me are enough of a distraction to keep me from thinking about the fucking mess that is my life today. But I can't. Responsibilities. And I find myself walking up the stairs towards the office again.

Bella's still sitting in the beanbag with her eyes covered but she seems to have recovered from that little incident before. I want to know who those people were but it's not my place to ask. I stop in front of her and clear my throat. "Bella?"

"Mmmhmmmm?" she says without moving.

I crouch down directly in front of her, eyes narrowing. "I got you coffee."

She lifts one arm off of her face to smile. "Thanks. I'm sorry you had to see that. I swear things are usually a lot more professional than that around here. Not that He-man would tell you that, but you know."

I smile slightly. "It's okay." And then quietly I add, "are you okay?"

"Nothing a little peanut butter and wine can't fix," she says. I nod and move to stand up but her voice stops me. "But thanks for asking."

I stand then and resist the urge to touch her. Not sexually just to touch, just to feel the contact because she looks like she needs it almost as much as I probably do. But I refrain. "Of course," I say softly. "I'll be in the back."


	5. Chapter 5

A/N- Special thanks to everyone who has reviewed! It really does keep us going. Here's the latest, please let us know what you think! As always none of this is possible with our fantastic beta off-the-deep-end

***

The sun set about an hour ago along with my work. My work here is done and I find it rather unsettling that I'm... sad? I don't know. But I've been organizing and reorganizing the same pile of papers for the past hour and staring at the empty He-man so that I won't look up at her. It doesn't matter if I can't see her though; I can still sense her all around me.

I sigh and close and the empty He-man and adjust my glasses before standing up.

The thought of going back to Stein and Meyer after spending a handful of days has less appeal than I'm willing to admit. The silence there is suffocating. And Bella will be replaced by Kara… not that she can be replaced and especially not by Kara, but I'll have to deal with Kara all day long again and, quite frankly, I'd rather be homeless living in Alphabet City in the middle of February than have to deal with Kara.

That's life though, isn't it? I think I figured out that I was grown up when I realized that I would have to put up with that kind of shit. It never helps to think about it—it being everything that I thought I'd never be.

I sigh and shrug my jacket on, adjusting my glasses once more and running my fingers through my hair before looking up at Bella. She's sitting in that bean bag again with her green iPod a few inches from her face, swaying her head back and forth slightly.

I walk over and stand in front of her until she looks up at me. I wonder what song is putting that soft, contented smile on her face.

"I'm all done," I tell her and slip my hand into my pocket.

She pulls her headphones out and smiles up at me through the warmest eyes I have ever seen. I press my thumb against the stone and force myself to stand still, because fidgeting looks stupid. "Sorry, love, did you say something?"

I've heard her call more than one person love—it seems to be her favorite word—but I can't help how nice it feels to have it directed at me. I clear my throat. "I'm finished."

"Really?" Her face twists into something that my eyes are probably tricking me into thinking is a scowl. "That was fast. I mean, not too fast—I'm sure you did a great job. It just went… quickly… yeah."

"Well, it wasn't as big of a mess as I'd initially thought," I say and chuckle at the disbelief in her eyes. "It was still a mess… just not a complete disaster."

"Now you're just being nice. We both know you earned your keep with that mess," she says and I chuckle again.

Why do I keep chuckling? I press the pad of my thumb further into the stone, trying to remember everything it symbolizes. "I don't lie, Bella." And there I go calling her Bella again. God, what is with me?

"Lying isn't all that bad, sometimes it can save your ass," she says with another bright smile and laughs.

I shake my head at her and shift onto the balls of my feet. "Alright, well, I guess I'd better get going. It was… interesting," I say finally, because even if the experience wasn't entirely pleasant it was definitely interesting.

"Yeah, interesting… you headed home?"

Home, yeah. Maybe I'll order Chinese food, drink some beer, and watch a couple of hours of Law and Order since Hannah won't be home. I nod. "Yeah. Are you…" I tilt my head to the side curiously. "Are you staying here tonight?"

She laughs again and the sound ties a few unwelcome and shocking knots in my stomach. I can't help it, honestly. This is what happens to people that haven't had sex in months—they get butterflies when pretty girls laugh at things they say. "I know I'm a workaholic, but even I have limits. Besides, tonight is Tequila Tuesday."

"Tequila Tuesday?" I ask.

"Long standing tradition and a fantastic excuse to get a little buzzed on a school night. Wanna come?"

Me? To Tequila Tuesday? I have sex more often than I drink tequila. I clear my throat and reach into my pocket again. "I don't know…" my voice trails off because I guess I do know.

"Don't let those shiny shoes hold you back, Edward," she says and her voice is laced with amusement. "You deserve a little time off. I mean, you conquered He-man, you should celebrate!"

I feel myself smiling even though I don't remember telling myself to do so. "Alright," I say, and nod before I can think it through. "I'm in."

***

_I try and hide my shock. I was sure he would say no; that was most of my reasoning behind asking. Of course he would say no. He was a pencil neck whose shoes look like they've never seen a subway station much less a dive bar. But, I must have wanted him to come if I'd asked. _

_His face has taken on such a peace that I can't be angry that I asked. He really wants to come. I hold out my hand to him, prompting him to pull me to my feet. He overestimates my weight or underestimates his strength but either way I end up face pressed against his chest. I quickly pull myself away, but not before I take a deep breath and realize how fucking amazing he smells._

_Not good. Block all thoughts like that from my mind. I smile up at him and brush off the collision. _

"_I was going to meet Jacob and Angela there; do you need to go home or anything before?"_

_God that sounded awkward. Why am I letting this be awkward? He's just the guy who just sorted out the black hole that was my finances and now I am going to treat him to a night of an alcohol induced haze. Nothing more._

"_No, I'll just come with you if that's alright?" He asks me like I might tell him no. I roll my eyes at the thought and a crease forms down the center of his forehead. Before I can stop myself I reach up and smooth out the wrinkle with my thumb. His face relaxes under my touch and I recoil quickly._

_What the hell was that?_

"_You don't want your face getting stuck like that," I tell him. He shakes his head and chuckles. I take the opportunity to make our escape. I pull on my coat and tilt my head towards the door to let him know we're leaving. He nods before shrugging his on his jacket. _

_As we pass my desk and his former workspace I smile sadly at the now empty Heman lunchbox. It looks so lonely and discarded not. Impulsively grab it from the desk and shove into Edward's arms._

"_You should have this. As a memento from the job from hell," I smile. He looks at it almost fondly._

"_Thanks. It wasn't hell though," he argues. I just laugh. I know it was._

_I wait for him to walk through the door before I pull it shut and lock it._

_I shove my hands deep in my pockets in preparation for the chill I just know is in the air. I watch Edward do the same and I am tempted to ask him what the hell he keeps in his pockets that he is always reaching for._

_Then again I might not want to know. Once on the street I automatically head for the nearest subway. I can feel him just behind me, letting me take the lead. Just as we reach the entrance I stop and think of his shiny shoes._

"_You ok with taking the subway?" I ask. He looks at me like I asked if he wanted to dance naked in the street. Bad question?_

"_Yes, why wouldn't I be?" Now would be the time that I tell him about all the horrible stereotypes I have pegged to his forehead in my mind. I roll the thought and possible words around in my mouth a little before a couple just slip out._

"_Your shoes are just so shiny and I wouldn't want you to get them dirty."_

_Great. Fucking Fantastic. I just said that out loud and now he looks like someone slapped him hard and then insulted his mother. Except typically when someone insults your mother you don't laugh afterward. The tension eases as he laughs and laughs hard. Laughs so hard he has to grab the railing beside him to keep standing. Wow. Didn't know he had it in him._

_I wait for it to pass and glare at all the idiots who have to nerve to stare at him as they walk by. Haven't they ever seen someone let loose? Even pencil necks need to have a little fun._

"_Hold…hold…" He doesn't make it past that one word as he holds his hand up. I'm in no hurry so I just nod at his request and wait. He straightens and runs his hand through is hair before adjusting his glasses. And he takes a few deep breaths and smiles at me. REALLY smiles. He's been holding out on me._

"_Feeling better?" I ask. He nods breathlessly._

"_Yeah, sorry, that was just…"H e lets out a deep breath. "I ride the subway Bella."_

_I hold up my hands in my defense and begin down the stairs. This time he keeps pace with me, watching me out of the corner of his eye. I smile at him and quicken my pace. I want him to scuff his shoes. No such luck._

_We rush through the turnstiles and onto the train just before the doors slide shut. The train is packed with people and our only option is to cling to a bar together. I smile up at him, just inches away from my face and he smiles back._

_I already like him so much more out of the office. The train veers and I'm pressed up against his chest again, I push myself away slowly. I do not need him thinking I am taking any excuse to push myself into him. _

"_Sorry, never was good at the whole balance thing," I say. He shakes his head and smiles. Silence settles back in, well silence between us. The car is still rattling and people are practically yelling around us._

_It starts with a low hum, I look around trying to see where it's coming from, and then the snapping cues in. Hell yes! I look up excitedly at Edward as confusion etches itself across his features._

"_I've got sunshine…." The voice is low and perfectly scratchy and I just know this is going to be fantastic. I start to sway as the amazing black man across the car really gets into the chorus of 'My Girl' and Edward continues to stare at me like I've lost my mind. _

_He obviously doesn't understand the real treat this kind of thing is. Obviously, or else his shoes would have scuffs to show for it. I want to take his hand and make him twirl around the car, but I don't think we're at that point yet. Our stop comes before the song is over and I almost stay on just to hear the end, but Edward looks almost panicked and tequila is the obvious remedy. _

_I grab the sleeve of his jacket and pull him off the train, but not before tossing a couple of dollars into the singer's hat. He deserves it. As soon as the train rattles past us I miss the music. Oh well, tequila awaits._

***

The bar is loud and warm and buzzing with voices and laughter. It's the type of place that I haven't been in in years. It's perfect. I shrug my jacket off and look down at Bella who's dragging me forward through the crowd to the bar where Angela and Jake are sitting.

Angela's face registers something like pleasant surprise when she sees me. Jake only scowls and turns his attention to Bella. "You brought Edward! Hi," Angela says and grins.

"Hi," I say and smile back slightly.

"He slunk his way out of the black hole of financial hell. So we're celebrating," Bella says and winks at me.

"Well, it took you long enough to get here," Angela says to Bella. "You guys have to catch up with us." Then she leans over the bar and calls out to the bartender to bring four shots of Patron.

"So this is the Tequila Team. You know Angela and Jake… you've met Jake, right?" Bella asks me.

I shake my head slightly. "I don't think we've been formally introduced."

"Well," she says and takes a shot glass from Angela, "Jake is our trusty intern… our sidekick so to speak." I nod in thanks as I take a shot from Angela and watch as Bella lifts hers in the air. "To He-man," she says and shoots me a grin before taking the shot back.

I follow suit and wince as it burns down my throat and straight to my stomach. I haven't even gotten over the initial shock from the first one when a second is shoved at me. "I said you have to catch up," Angela says when she sees the obvious weariness on my face.

I take it reluctantly and put it to my lips, but Bella stops me. "You have to toast, Edward."

Toast? What the hell am I supposed to toast to? I take a deep breath and the words are out before I can think to take them back, "To sunshine on cloudy days." She laughs and we both tilt our heads back, letting the liquid slide down our throats.

"I'm going to the jukebox," Bella announces and is through the crowd before I can offer to go with her.

"Want another drink, Edward?" Angela asks.

"Yeah, sure thanks." What the hell, right? I loosen the top button of my shirt and look at Jake. "So, Jake, what do you do?"

He doesn't look like he wants to answer me and he doesn't until Angela kicks him. "I'm in school. Business major."

I nod. "That's cool. Where do you go?"

"NYU."

I raise my eyebrows because that's the general reaction people are supposed to have when somebody says they go to NYU. "That's great."

He doesn't answer me and Angela huffs. "Don't mind our little ray of sunshine," she says sarcastically. I scan the crowd for Bella and spot her standing at the jukebox, swaying her hips and laughing with some newly made friends. "He's just a little protective of Izzy."

Jake shoots her a nasty look before mumbling, "I just had a bad day."

"How 'bout some more shots?" Angela asks and doesn't wait for an answer before ordering them.

Bella comes bustling back and puts an arm around Angela's shoulders. "You're all a sad looking crew. What's it gonna take to get a couple of smiles over here? Good lord. It's Tequila Tuesday not Moping Monday." Then she reaches over and pushes Jake's mouth into a smile before she nudges me. "How 'bout a game?"

"First these then you guys can play," Angela says and passes out another round of shots. "Because I can't stay out late tonight and I need my buzz before I go home."

Bella frowns at her after we all take our shots. Shit. Is it possible that I'm feeling this already? "You can't stay out?"

"I've got an OBY/GYN appointment at fucking 7. Dr. Anybody-Who-Engages-In-Premarital-Sex-and-Unholy-Activities-Will-Go-to-Hell will lock me up in the stirrups and poke my brains out with the fucking metal speculum from hell if I show up hung over."

I choke on my beer while everyone else laughs. Did she really just say that? Out loud? In public? Bella shoots me a concerned look when I don't stop coughing. "You okay?" Bella asks me.

"Yeah," I say and pat my chest. "Went down the wrong pipe."

She nods, appeased, and then looks over at Jake. "What about you, Jake? Are you leaving us early too?"

He shoots me a look and then looks back over at Bella. "Nah, Iz, I'm all yours tonight."

He jumps when Angela kicks him hard in the shin again. "Didn't you say you have an exam tomorrow?" She asks him.

"Um…" Jake starts to shake his head until he sees Angela's boot coming towards his leg again. "Shit, yeah, true. Yeah, I guess I have to leave with Ange tonight, Iz, sorry."

Bella pouts but I can't help the grin that twitches at my lips. God, I'm feeling really good right now. "One more shot, then?" Angela asks and winks at me. I think I love her.

"I'm in," I say and look at Bella who's looking up at me with a combination of amusement and question on her face. I lift an eyebrow. "What? I have to catch up. Why are you looking at me like that?"

Bella laughs and I officially make it my mission for the rest of the night to make her laugh as much as possible. I love the way she looks at me when she laughs because of something I said—big smile and sparkling eyes. "You sure you want another?" she asks me. "I can't promise your shiny shoes will survive if you pass this point."

I shake my head and smirk at her before I throw the shot back. "You have no idea what my shiny shoes can handle."

***

_I should have stopped him when his cheeks began to grow red from the alcohol. Or maybe when he started yelling," I love this fucking song!" about every song that the jukebox played. But I couldn't help myself. There was something about the way he moved now. His tie was long discarded on the table and his sleeves were unbuttoned and rolled half way up his arms. So much better than the pencil neck look he was sporting._

_Angela and Jake left awhile ago begging off using lame excuses, but it was fine with me. Edward is entertaining enough, even if I should really cut him off at this point. I motion to the bar tender to not give him any more._

_The only upside is that I stopped once I was warm with the buzz and now it's resting happily in the pit of my stomach while I watch Edward come alive. _

"_It's just amazing how much fun people have while I am fucking stuck at home. When was the last time I even drank tequila? When was the last time I was even in such an awesome fucking bar?" he asks himself. "God, you know when the last time I had tequila was? Two years ago on New Years Eve. The last time I drank anything stronger than wine was two years ago on New Years Eve. I love tequila. Bella, I think we're long lost best friends. I'm so happy that you invited me out tonight. I'm so happy to be here. And to be alive. And I'm so happy that I still have most of my hair."_

_I laugh and his full attention turns to me. He slumps back down in the chair next to me and takes the last of my shot before I can stop him. Sneaky little thing. He smiles obnoxiously before sighing heavily._

_There are so many things wrong with this moment. I should not be looking at him and wondering what his lips taste like. I should not be trying to figure out a logical way to get him to come home with me. And I should not be thinking about how nice his fingers would feel against my skin. Good lord someone turn off my mind and turn down my hormones._

_I order a bottle of water from the bar and suddenly I can't loose my buzz quickly enough. I watch as his phone on the counter jumps and vibrates as it rings. He seems to be entranced by the lights and movement of it._

"_Aren't you going to get that?" I ask. He flicks it away with his hand._

_"That would be rude, wouldn't it? For me to answer my phone when I'm with you?" _

_Would it be wrong to feel like he was giving me dreamy eyes? I laugh off the comment and push against his shoulder lightly. Apparently the alcohol affects his balance because he falls right off the stool. That was not good. I peer down at him and he's laughing hysterically and wiping the dust off his dress pants. And shit, I think there is dirt on his shoes._

"_I'm so sorry love; I didn't mean to push you that hard. Must have been my super powers kicking in again," I tease. He pushes himself up off the floor slowly and grins sloppily at me._

"_I like that," he says slurring only slightly. I raise an eyebrow._

"_You like what?" I ask._

"_That. When you call me love. And your super He-man powers," he answers. I feel my cheeks heat up from his words. I should pay more attention to the things that come out of my mouth because apparently even drunk Edward notices what I say. I smile lazily at him and flex my really not impressive muscles._

"_You know you wish you had these guns."_

_The tension melts away and I watch his neck as he tilts his head back to really laugh again. My eyes wander up and down his throat and I swallow hard. No more tequila. Scratch that. No more tequila and Edward. Not a good combo for me._

_Just as he gains control again, the jukebox cues up a new song and his eyes go wide with excitement._

"_Oh my god! I love this song! Bella, Come dance with me!"_

_It's not a request and even with my super human strength he is able to pull me from my stool and onto a somewhat empty part of the bar that he has obviously decided is a dance floor. _

_I would have never pegged 'Swagga Like Us' to be Edward's jam, but stranger things have happened. Like the numerous amused stares we are getting from the other patrons. No one told Edward that you don't exactly dance at a place like this._

_Before I can even try to find my beat Edward pulls me back into him and is doing a very sloppy version of a grind against my ass. I want to laugh, but I am too busy trying to keep my wits about me. Every once in a while he tries to sing along with the beat, but can only really keep up with the chorus._

_The laughter is keeping me from feeling anything else. Then he throws his hands in the air and I hit the floor. I am laughing so hard I can't register the pain I am sure came with my fall, but Edward is still putting on a show on the bar and several women in the bar have begun whistling and cat calling and even, damn, a man or two. Go pencil neck._

_I stay on the floor and enjoy the show. The grin on his face is unmatchable and I'm genuinely glad I brought him. Maybe we are long lost best friends. That would explain away some of the warmness that thoughts of him are bringing on._

"_Edward get down from there right now!"_

_The voice breaks through just as the last chords of the sing fade through the room and everyone turns to see the owner. The woman at the door is painstakingly perfect. There isn't one thing about her that is out of place or sloppy. She stands out like a clean penny in this place. I glance up at Edward who looks like a little kid just kicked his puppy. My face furrows in confusion as he climbs slowly down from the bar and hangs his head._

_Who the hell is this woman? His keeper? His mother? I push myself off the ground and put my hand on his shoulder._

"_What happened? Didn't get enough tips so no encore?" I ask trying to lighten his mood. The corners of his lips twitch, but then his eyes flicker over to where the incredible plastic woman is now burning a path across the bar towards us. I get it. Fun Over._

"_I'm not entirely sure who you are, but I would really appreciate it if you would remove your hand from my boyfriend's arm," she states. Her hands sit perfectly on her hips and I pull my hand back like his shoulder was on fire. Boyfriend?_

"_Uh, sorry. I was just, uh, well making sure he was ok," I ramble. Her eyes do not soften and I wonder for a moment if they ever soften. I swallow thickly several times and wish Edward would say something, anything._

"_That's really not any of your concern now is it?" I blink several times in shock. Wow._

"_I didn't think so. We'll be leaving now and I would appreciate if you didn't try to follow or make more of this than what it really was," she says like she knows something sordid happened or that I was trying to rape the pencil neck. I simply nod and watch as she pulls Edward from his seat. He looks, awful, sad even._

_She drags him across the room, not caring as he bounces off stray chairs. They are almost to the door when he wrenches from her grasp and turns back towards me._

"_Wait, Hannah, Jesus. I can't leave He-man here," he demands. He rushes back towards me running into all the same chairs on the way. I look back at the bar and pull the deserted lunch box towards me. By the time he gets to me I am holding it out hoping to spare him any more trouble with the awful waiting by the door._

_He pulls it into an embrace and manages a smile._

"_Sorry bout…yeah," he motions with his head towards the door. That seems like all he has to say and I almost pull him back to force him to make me feel less shitty about this. Less like the other woman. Hell we didn't even get a decent grind on and I feel guilty._

"_Oh and Bella? Thank you," he adds before turning away again._

"_It's Izzy," I reply too quietly for him to hear. I wait until he leaves and the bar forgets I exist before I pay the tab and drag my sorry ass to the door. I pull my cell phone from my pocket and dial Emmett. I don't really want to make the trip home alone._

***

I roll over with a groan and find myself slamming hard into the floor of my living room. What the fuck am I doing in the living room? Why was I sleeping on the cou… oh, fuck? Fuck, fuck, fuck me. I rub my forehead and pray that Hannah already left for the day. I'm not in the mood to deal with her right now.

Shit. She actually activated the GPS on my phone last night because I didn't answer her. I guess it was sweet of her to worry? But for God's sake, what shitty timing.

And Bella… Bella looked pissed.

I'm a stupid fuck. A stupid fuck that really needs an Advil and to apologize. To everyone. But mostly to Bella. Hannah will get over herself. God did she have to act like such a fucking possessive bitch on top of it all? It's not like she walked in on me and Bella fucking on the bar.

Ugh. And I dropped Bella off of the fucking bar. Fuck me.

I groan and move to stand up which takes a lot more effort than usual. I wash my face and brush my teeth and throw on a pair of jeans and a white t-shirt before I run out the door. I call the office on my way down the stairs and tell them that I need a personal day. I haven't had one in over a year so fuck it; there are more important matters at hand.

I have a text on my phone from Hannah saying something along the lines of, _If I don't have an apology as soon as you wake up, you'll be sleeping in the hallway tonight._

She can fucking wait. I jump into a cab and rattle off the address to Bella's office. It feels like it takes forever with all of this god damn morning traffic. When the car stops on the corner, I throw him a twenty and jump out, walking quickly to the building.

I take the stairs two at a time despite the small pain in my head until I'm finally outside the door. I take a deep breath, then another, before I open it.

Angela is sitting at her desk, music on, but she's by herself. Not even Jake is here. Is Jake with Bella? What? What the fuck am I thinking right now? And why don't I have her cell phone number?

"Angela," I say when she looks up at me. "Where's Bell… Izzy?" She shrugs and looks back at her computer. I growl. I actually growl. And who the fuck do I think I am? "Angela," I try again. "I really need to find Izzy."

"She took the day off," she says and makes her music louder.

I walk over and put both hands on her desk, leaning forward until I'm right in her face. "I need to apologize. I know you know where she is. Please tell me."

She sighs and looks up at me. "You're an idiot," she informs me as if I didn't already know this. "You're a huge fucking idiot, Edward," she repeats for emphasis and I nod. "But I like you. I'm not supposed to tell anyone where she is. So you're gonna have to show up there by accident."

I nod impatiently. "Come on, Angela."

"She's at the Orchid Show at the Botanical Gardens," she tells me. I nod my thanks and spin around. I'm at the door before she calls out again. "In the Bronx."

I wave and run down the stairs again. A cab to the Bronx is going to be stupid expensive right now, but the train will take too long and I don't want to miss her so I jump in one anyway.

I don't know why this feels so urgent to me. I don't know why it matters. But I don't really know anything when it comes to this woman. All I know really is that she makes me feel good, that I like being around her, and her smile does funny things to me. So maybe it's just urgent because I don't want to lose that. She's the first… friend? Friend. It's been the longest time since I could actually comfortably call somebody a friend.

I throw a couple of bills first at the cab driver and then for my entrance. And, fuck, I've never been here before. How am I supposed to find her? Why didn't I get her number from Angela?

I start walking through all of the people, staring at them, looking for any sign of Bella. And when I finally do find her, I almost miss her because I don't recognize the back of her head. Should I recognize the back of her head?

Whatever. I guess what matters is that I didn't miss her entirely.

I walk up to her and shove my hands into my pocket and look at the orchid she's staring at. It's lime green.

I take a deep breath and finger the ring that I miraculously didn't lose last night. "I don't have your cell phone number."

"That's because I didn't give it to you." She doesn't look at me but maybe I can find some hope in the fact that she answered?

"Because you don't want to?"

"Maybe. Maybe not," she says, still not looking, still apparently enthralled with the fucking Vanilla Orchid. Maybe she's seeing something I'm not.

"Look," I say with a heavy sigh and rub the back of my neck. "Bella, I'm really sorry. I um… I didn't mean for that to happen last night."

"Didn't mean for what to happen?" she asks in a calm, steady voice, still staring at the flower. I start to answer but she continues. "You getting drunk? Dancing on the bar? Or the part where your girlfriend dragged you out and accused me of being a whore? Which part where you talking about?"

I press my finger into the stone. I'm using to dealing with pissed of females that get pissed the way Hannah does. They yell until they can't anymore and then I walk away. I figure if I let Hannah yell at me then we're pretty much even for whatever I did.

This… this is a million times worse. Why is she so calm? "Well, um… I guess I want to apologize for dropping you off the bar. And for not um defending you when… she called you a whore? She didn't call you a whore," I say, the disbelief registering on my face and in my voice.

"Sometimes you don't have to SAY something to mean it. Believe me, she was thinking it," she says tightly.

"Well… fuck, Bella, I'm sorry. I'm sorry that she made you feel that way and that I didn't say anything to stop her," I say with as much conviction in my voice as I can muster. I'm disgusted with myself. "But I'm not apologizing for getting drunk. Up until she showed up that was the most fun I've had in years."

"Good. I was hoping you wouldn't regret that," she says and finally turns to me for just a second, just a peek, but it's all that I need. I let the ring go and feel the tension inside of me release. "You're not wearing your shiny shoes."

What is it with her and my shiny shoes? I laugh and shake my head. "I only wear those when I'm working."

***

_I shouldn't be talking to him. I mean, what's the point really? He was just the pencil neck sent to fix the massive problems of my non-profit and now his work was done. We had a night out to celebrate and now he should just go back to him life. Which apparently includes a cut-out version of a girlfriend and surprisingly a pair of chuck taylors._

_My eyes wander back down to his feet and I can't help the smile that tugs at the corners of my mouth. Who knew shiny shoes were replaced by these on off days? _

"_If I forgive you does that mean you can go back to saving the world one receipt at a time?" I ask. He glances at me from under his lashes and I turn back towards the flower. I've been looking at this one for at least fifteen minutes._

_I turn my back and move towards the next display. He pauses behind me and I wonder for moment if he's been released from whatever guilt he felt. That has to be why here's here. Someone like him would need to make sure his karma slate is wiped clean._

"_Actually I took the day off," he smiles proudly. I guess this is a big deal to him._

"_My first day in over a year. I was thinking, if you forgive me, we could maybe hang out or something?"_

_My eyes are glues to his face. There is nothing but sincerity looking back at me. Hang out? With him? I don't even know what pencil necks do in their spare time? Math puzzles? Chess?_

"_I'm not sure that's the best idea, I mean what if you girlfriend walks in on us having ice cream and accuses me of ruining you perfect body and therefore threatening your future children?" I ask. He winces and I wonder if I should have censored that comment. But it had to be said. I will not hang out with him and the giant gorilla in the room that is his girlfriend._

"_I guess I deserve that," he answers. His hand goes back into his pocket and I am tempted to rip it back out and demand that he show me what's in there. In the most non-dirty way possible._

"_But it won't be an issue if I disable the GPS on my phone," he offers. I watch as he pulls his phone from his pocket and pushes a few buttons. GPS? That's how she found him. I shiver uncontrollably. That's just more than a little scary. Wait…does my phone have GPS?_

_He slides the phone back into his back pocket and looks at my expectantly. I guess this is the turning point. I could say no want walk away and leave him and his crazy ass girlfriend in my past. But then I would wonder. I would wonder about the pencil neck who has musician hands and wears chucks on his days off. I would wonder what I may have missed by leaving him standing in front of a Cambria orchid._

_Besides, he did say I was his long lost best friend…_

"_What exactly would hanging out entail?" I ask. His lips curve into a smile and I can't help but mimic the action. I'm waiting for him to say something like Sudoku or crunch some numbers. I try to picture myself with a calculator and a matching pair of glasses. 'Cause I really fucking love his glasses._

"_Are you against going to an arcade?" He asks timidly. My eyes bug out. Literally bug out. An arcade? With adolescent boys and possibly a ski ball?_

"_How opposed are you to losing to a girl?" I ask. He shakes his head as he laughs. He thinks I'm kidding. He is in for a sad, sad surprise._

"_I'm not opposed to losing if I let said girl win," He answers. My mouth drops. Did the pencil neck really just bait me? He has no idea what he has just begun._


	6. Chapter 6

**a/n: hey all! it's between the trees today… wanted to drop in and say hi and thank you for the reviews and the enthusiasm we've gotten about this story so far—it means a lot and is hugely motivating for us. so, yeah, thank you! and, of course, a huge thank you to our wonderful beta who catches all of our silly little we're-too-wrapped-up-in-edward-to-notice-anything-else mistakes lol. anyway… enough out of me. enjoy! –s**

"Violet," I say and lean over the counter to smile down at her—my only friend in this horrible excuse for a business. And I need a friend right now to distract me from the morning from hell that Kara inflicted upon me.

"Have you decided what we're ordering for lunch?" she asks me from the top of her purple wire-rimmed glasses.

I point a finger at her. "We already went over this. It's your turn."

"Sweetheart," she says patiently and takes her glasses off, "you are the pickiest eater in the world."

"I am not," I protest.

She shushes me. "You are. Or, at least, much pickier than I am. People don't get hips like these by being picky eaters," she says with a laugh.

I roll my eyes but smile along with her. "How 'bout I run to the deli and get us some sandwiches?"

Violet nods and goes back to looking at her computer. I turn and begin to walk away but stop when she calls out to me.

"Oh, and Edward?"

"Yeah?" I ask, thinking she forgot something.

"Be quick about it. We have things to discuss."

I furrow my eyebrows but she has already dismissed me.

This day cannot end fast enough. I tap my foot impatiently as I wait on the sandwich line. Gary's Deli is always packed at this time of day—I don't know why I thought it would be a good idea to come in here.

I pull my phone out of my pocket, needing to make sure I haven't missed any calls or texts on my walk across the street, and then go back to tapping.

The only thing that has made this day even mildly bearable is what's coming at the end of it. Bella and I made plans to meet at FAO Schwartz tonight. And maybe I should feel a little bit of guilt because of my whole girlfriend situation. But I don't. I refuse to feel guilty about something that just feels so right.

We've hung out a couple of times since the Gardens. I've done more dancing in the past two weeks than I have in my entire life. I just feel so comfortable around her… so okay. And there's especially nothing to feel guilty about because we're just friends. We've never done anything physically that would constitute as cheating.

Well, unless you count that time we danced on the bar. But I dropped her. So it doesn't count.

I pick up my sandwiches and drinks, pay, and head back across the street. Four hours left of hell before I can be free.

I place Violet's sandwich and drink down in front of her and then sit down on the floor, with my back against the drawers of her desk.

"I don't understand why you sit there," she says as she begins to unwrap her sandwich.

I shrug and take a bite. "No one will see me and interrupt my break back here," I explain.

"Everyone knows you sit back here."

"It's the principle," I tell her and take another bite. "If I'm back here, on the floor, it means I don't want to be seen which means I don't want to be disturbed either. It works most of the time."

We eat in silence for a few minutes and it's the first time I feel truly peaceful all day. Well, if you exclude the times I thought about Bella doing a crazy ass-shimmy across an entire room filled with people.

"So," Violet says, interrupting my thoughts. I feel the smile on my face and try to get rid of it as quickly and inconspicuously as possible. "What is that about?" she asks.

"What?"

"That smile, Edward," she says patiently. "Who are you thinking about?"

"You," I say and grin at her.

She swats my head lightly. And then we both stop at the unmistakable sound of Kara's heels heading towards Violet's desk. I close my eyes and put my head back against the desk.

"This is sweet," Kara says and we all know she doesn't actually think so. "Just out of curiosity, Edward… do you get paid to sit on the floor telling stories to your substitute grandmother?"

I sigh and push up to my feet.

Violet goes to speak but Kara cuts her off. "I wouldn't push my luck if I were you. The boys upstairs mentioned something about only needing one more reason to get rid of you."

And with that Kara walks away.

I lean down and put my arm around Violet. "When I get out of here and start my own… anything, I'm taking you with me," I tell her.

And she smiles and pats my cheek.

And as I walk away I realize that that may have been the first time I've ever even entertained the thought that I may not be here for the rest of my life.

***

_Everyone should have a 'place'. Somewhere they go to feel totally grounded, completely safe and just simply comfortable. Thinking about it, for most people their 'place' is probably their home, where they grew up, with their parents. I guess I should be worried that my home may actually be the place where I feel the most out of place. I mean my mother turned my room into a yoga studio when I went away to camp when I was 13. I guess it was Zen, but not exactly what I would have picked. _

_I pull my coat tighter around me and slow my pace. It's the perfect time of day when it's almost dark, but the light still reflects off the windows just before it disappears. There isn't a good reason why I'm looking for comfort today. Nothing unbearably shitty happened. I mean one of my schools did lose a huge donation of tambourines unexplainably and Jacob accidentally shredded a budget I worked on for three days. _

_But overall, not a bad day. _

_And yet I can feel the emptiness growing in the pit of my stomach, threatening to take over if I don't force to down quickly. I can see the familiar blue awning and I feel better already. I pull the door open and instantly feel a little better._

"_It's about time you dragged your ass back in here." _

_This is why I love this place. I make my way to the counter and lean against it looking for the owner of the voice. The wooden beads leading to the back room rattle and the familiar grey head appears._

"_Simon, how did you know it was me?" I ask. He drops a box of records on the counter and grins at me. _

"_You're the only one who sighs like that when they walk in the door. Most people coming in here these days are lost or think they can get the newest Britney Spears album here," he replies. _

"_To which you said…" I urge._

"_Get the fuck out of here before you taint the good music with that name," he states. I laugh. He smirks at me and I lay my head across my arm of the counter. This is what I needed._

"_You here alone today? What happened to 22?" I should have never brought Emmett here. Not only did the miscreant almost break a vintage Dylan record, he also informed Simon of my not too pleasant history._

"_No more 22," I sigh. Simon raises an eye brow and once again I wish I could do that. I can't raise one without raising the other. Fucking frustrating. _

"_He didn't last long. I thought you might actually let him stick around, especially after he bought you that Zeppelin album."_

_Ahh yes the one crowning moment of Mike and my relationship. He only bought the album after I drooled over it for half an hour. His idea of good music was Linkin Park._

"_Yeah, well I can't let any ONE person have too much time. That would just be selfish," I joke. _

_Simon smiles sadly at me and for a moment I regret telling him as much about my past as I have. He knows that the humor is my sad attempt at a defense mechanism. It's easier for me to turn it all into a joke than actually acknowledge that I have yet to have a serious relationship lasting longer than two months. I know I have issues, I just choose to ignore them._

"_It's just as well. We'll hold out for the one who buys the Joni Mitchell album huh?" Simon asks. He tilts his head and offers me a peace smile. He knows I like to keep my dysfunctional love life tucked away. And besides, that album, that person, would mean something._

"_It's like the glass slipper Simon, it's how I'll know," I tease. I push myself up and off the counter and make my way to the rows of records. I let my fingers trail along the well worn sleeves until I rest upon the most familiar place. I pull the record out and embrace it like an old friend. I should just buy it already, but I like that it's always here, waiting for me. A constant in my life._

_When I get back to the counter Simon reaches out knowingly and takes my friend from me and places it carefully on the turntable. The familiar strumming begins and the emptiness is all but gone. I sink down against the counter and by the time I hit the floor I'm all but a pile of mush. Joni does this to me._

"_There are perfectly good chairs all over the store you know," Simon scolds lightly. He is not capable of real scolding it would go against his laid back persona. I take deep breaths and block everything unpleasant from my mind. Like the tambourines and the fact that I was supposed to be at a really fantastically juvenile place with Edward right now. I hate texting. I hate how easy it makes it to blow people off._

"_I guess your lack of answering means you'd rather sit on the floor that I haven't mopped in weeks," He laughs. I look down the floor, it doesn't look that clean, but I could care less. You sit on the floor at home and I sit on the floor here. It all makes sense to me._

"_You think I could live here Simon? I could just set up a cot in the back and no one would ever have to know, plus I could be like a free security system."_

_The argument makes sense. I could have this feeling all the time and I wouldn't have to spend any more money on records. Double bonus._

"_Iz, you would be as good as a security system as a sign on the door saying 'please don't steal'," he replies. I furrow my brow. I wouldn't say please. It would be more like, 'Don't fucking steal or I'll call someone else who could beat the shit out of you', yeah, something like that._

_I take another deep breath and suddenly I'm home and my mom is dancing across the kitchen and making grilled cheese; the only thing she can cook. She sings some horrible version of the Pretenders and I smile at the memory. It all ends just as quickly as nameless, faceless man number 1245 walks in and she forgets about the now burning grilled cheese and her daughter at the table._

_I choke a little as I come back to reality. It's dark out now and suddenly I have to leave. Leave and take the tainted memory with me. I stand slowly, sliding my back up the counter. My t-shirt snags and I'm sure there is a hole as a result, but I couldn't care less._

"_I better get going Simon. I don't want Emmett to come looking for me." It's a lame excuse and I know it, but Simon simply smiles._

"_I'll hold on to Joni for you," he says. I nod gratefully and push my way out of the shop. I get out just before the memory tumbles from the back of my mind. The sound of sobbing on the other side of our door and my mother blasting music in her room to drown it out and me peeking out the window to see man number 1245 begging my mother to open the door. _

_And people wonder why I don't have a peephole in my door._

_I push open the door to my apartment and want to walk right back out. Something must have died in here. Emmett has finally gone completely Neanderthal on me and killed an actual animal in our apartment. I ease the door closed and eye the space with caution. Nothing normal smells this way._

_Every footstep is careful, there is no way in hell I want to step in whatever this is. I wish we had a dog or something that would make this smell logical. I pull my t-shirt up and over my mouth and nose. This is it. I am calling an exterminator or someone who specializes in defunking places. Is there such a person?_

_Whatever the hell it is it's definitely in the living room. I seriously consider just rushing by the room all together and hiding in my room, but then it will be waiting for me when I come out._

"_Emmett!" The yell sounds muffled through my shirt. I don't try again, if he were here there would be thundering down the hallway immediately. I hesitantly enter the living room and get closer to the funk against all common sense. It's coming from the couch._

_Damn Emmett. I really like this couch and it sure as hell better not be tainted for life by this awfulness. I reach out my hand and flick up the cushion. Nothing. I swallow thickly and lower myself to the ground. Please let this not be a dead rat. Please Please Please._

_I close my eyes as they become level with the floor and wait. Where the hell is Emmett? I open them slowly, holding my breath. All I see is green and immediately I'm taken somewhere I don't want to be. Edward's eyes. I gasp and the funk hits the back of my throat and Edward's eyes disappear. The only good thing the funk has gone. _

_I squint my eyes trying to decipher exactly was the funk is, but all I can tell is that it was probably edible at some point. There is no way I am touching that with my hand._

_Ten minutes and a pair of rubber gloves later I have the funk secured in a plastic bag and I lay it neatly in the center of Emmett's bed. That will teach him to drop a vendor hot dog under the sofa and letting it rot. I pull my shirt back up over half my face and reenter the living room. Armed with febreeze I attack every surface with a vengeance before falling down on the ottoman, the couch is not safe yet, in a fog of Citrus and Light._

_There are probably warnings against sitting in this, but I can't be bothered to move. And then my mind is back on 1245. I do my mother a disservice by counting that high. I'm sure it never broke 100, but when you're young and one man doesn't stay around long enough for you to learn their name…numbers are just easier._

_But there is a difference. A difference between my 22 and my mother's hundreds. I never let them get close. She let them in, instantly welcomed them into her heart and our lives and made them believe that it would last. And then as soon as they decided to leave a toothbrush, she was done. No warning, nothing, just stopped. Like she could open and close her heart at will. _

_I may not remember all their faces, but I remember the sound of their cries and begging. It was not something I would allow to happen. No one would be subjected to my faulty heart. It was my favor to the world._

_I let out a choked sob through my shirt and suddenly I had to leave. I had to be somewhere where the memories couldn't touch me. I stumble through the room grabbing a sweater from the back of the couch before pushing out the door. _

_When I finally made it outside I take deep, heavy breaths. My lungs expanded painfully and I pull the sweater across my body tightly. I had already made plans for the night before I was brushed off by a few abbreviated words. No reason I can't still make good on them, even alone._

***

I sigh and rub my eyes. Isn't the whole concept of home supposed to be some sort of comfortable refuge? Somewhere you can go to just _be_? My day has been officially shot to hell. I came home to change quickly before I met up with Bella.

And instead, I came home and Hannah was sitting at the kitchen table with a vegetarian meal laid out in front of her. She always "punishes" me when she's mad by not cooking. She really outdid herself tonight though, with this vegetarian crap that she knows I fucking hate.

So I had to send Bella a quick text to cancel… a text that she didn't even respond to so that I could sit here and stare at this fucking disgusting food while Hannah huffs and makes a bunch of other unintelligible grumbling angry sounds.

This has been going on for two weeks, which is why I've been avoiding her as much as possible. No such luck tonight.

"Hannah," I say tightly, "is there something you'd like to say?"

She shakes her head, sending her perfect shiny blonde hair swaying back and forth and continues eating. "Is there something wrong with your food?" she asks, and points at my plate with her fork.

I put a piece of tofu in my mouth and swallow with what I hope is a disgusted face. "No, it's delicious. The only thing that could be better than this is getting on all fours and eating grass directly from the ground."

Cue the huffing again.

I drop my fork down onto the plate noisily and cross my arms. I shouldn't have to subject myself to this just because she's my girlfriend, should I?

"Hannah." I run my fingers through my hair and she gives me a disapproving look over the rim of her water glass. "This cannot go on like this."

"I don't know what you're talking about," she says and continues to cut her food.

"I'm talking about this," I tell her and try to clamp down on my frustration. "This situation right here."

She looks up at me then, probably because of the tone of my voice, and her eyes are sharp and pissed. "I already told you, I'm not going to forgive you if you don't apologize."

"And I already told you that I have nothing to apologize for." I slip my hand into my pocket and wrap my fingers tightly around the ring there. "I'm not going to apologize for going out with my coworkers. If anyone at this table should be apologizing it's you."

Her eyes widen at that. "I didn't do anything wrong."

I shake my head. "You did though. You stalked me down, barged into the bar, treated me like a belligerent child, and then insinuated to the woman that paid for this meal that she was a whore." Well, I'd be lying if I said that didn't feel good.

She doesn't seem thrown off at all though. She just stares at me patiently until I've finished and then begins speaking again. "I'm not asking you to apologize for going out, Edward. Even if you were participating in juvenile immature behavior. I'm asking you to apologize for not having the sense or consideration to tell me where you were. That's not the man I fell in love with… that isn't you."

For a moment I want to tell her that she doesn't know me. That the man she fell in love with and the… man that I am, are two completely different people. But I don't.

I can't fault her for not knowing that part of me—I had even forgotten that it existed until Bella. The thing is… I don't think we can ever really know each other completely—everyone has secrets—but isn't it possible, can't I hope that the woman who claims to love me accepts that there's more to me than this? This steady, easygoing, boring, comfortable man that eats bananas because she wants me to?

I think I made the past four years far too comfortable and easy for both of us. And I think that maybe I don't want to be easy and comfortable anymore. Maybe I want her to surprise me sometimes and to be okay with me surprising her.

"Hannah," I say softly, patiently, "there are things, I'm sure, that I don't know about you. And there are things that you don't know about me. Things that we're still both learning about each other."

She shakes her head again and huffs. "You don't know what you're talking about. You know everything about me. And I know you. And I know that that wasn't you."

I push away from the table. I've had enough of this.

"We haven't finished speaking," she says, a look of pure confusion on her face.

I stand and slip my sneakers on. "I'm finished," I tell her. And maybe this isn't fair, maybe leaving her here isn't the right thing to do. But fuck if I'm tired, exhausted—mentally and physically. And there's only one place that I really want to be right now. "Don't wait up for me."

"Edward," she says and stands up, following me to the door. "Where are you going?"

"Out," I snap and spin around. "I can't be here right now. I can't breathe or think in here." And with that I slam out the door.

**end note: so yeah… ouuuuch. i know, i know. hannah's a miserable bitch and she needs to be eliminated. she's threatening to stick if a few more of you don't tell us how you're liking this ;-) new chapter is soon soon :D**


	7. Chapter 7

A/N- To those of you who have reviewed......AMAZING. Every review really pushes us to do more, so thanks isn't even enough. As always this insanity wouldn't be possible without beta extraordinaire off-the-deep-end. As always, let me know what you think!

***

_There is a soft kind of tinkling music in the background, but it could just be kids laughing, I can't decide. I wind my way through the aisles and suck on a sour patch kid. This place really is too good to be true. Who knew there was a candy store on the third floor? Almost healed my day, a full bag of sour patch kids._

_I stand below an absurdly large giraffe and feel perfectly small again, almost like a time machine all covered in cotton fur. I resist the urge to sink to its feet and wrap my arms around its legs. I'm sure that would frighten all the children. Instead I reach out an unsteady hand and simply place it on the base of its neck._

_This place is about to make it onto my regular route; there is just too much to lose yourself in for it to not be fantastic. One day I'm going to live somewhere that feels like this; nostalgic and warm and a little bit too cheesy to be real._

_I wander into the room filled with Lego and am transfixed. I sink down to one of the tables not caring that the five-year old next to me doesn't look apt to share. They are calling to me._

_Soon I'm lost in the shapes and colors and what I've built looks more like a sad tower of Babel than anything resembling the castle I was going for. Oh well, the kid next to me hasn't done anything but hog all the green blocks. That was probably my problem, lack of green blocks._

_Moving on, I find a mini Mecca; the video games. The smile on my face is immovable as I see the vintage Pac man machine. I hesitate as I see the two player console, but grab the player one handles anyways. Obviously I misjudged my talent as I am conquered in level one._

_Suddenly the largeness of the store begins to close in on me and feeling small isn't such a good thing any more. I wrap my arms around myself and wish for another distraction. And yet I can't pull my hands from the controllers. The screen keeps blinking the horrible stats of my obvious defeat, but I can't move._

***

I should've figured that I'd end up here. I doubt Bella will be here, but I had to come. We had the plan and if I can't see her then I at least need to be somewhere Bella-ish. Somewhere I'd just feel simple and settled and okay.

I walk into the massive toy store and slip my hand into my pocket. There are children running around everywhere, laughing and crying and shouting. I just stand there and look around and up and wait for the peace that I usually only find when I'm with Bella.

I take a tentative step in, then another, and find myself on the escalator.

This is truly bizarre. I left my home, left my girlfriend, and came to a toy store. I take another escalator up but train my eyes down to the mayhem beneath me. Colors and toys and loud children.

I remember when my parents brought me here for the first time. I was six years old and threw a temper tantrum because they said it really wasn't practical to bring an eleven foot teddy bear home. I had already named the bear Buzz, we were already friends, and I couldn't bear the thought of being separated from him. I got over it a few minutes later when we hit the candy store upstairs.

Too bad we can't get over things as easily when we're older. We lose people and the hole doesn't get filled with anything—not candy, not perfect girlfriends, not other friends, nothing. The hole just stays.

I stop my ascent on the fourth floor and start walking slowly passed the Lego section. I used to love Lego when I was a kid. Until I got too big to build anymore.

I keep walking and stop dead.

Because I'm either hallucinating or Bella is actually sitting at an old Pac man machine by herself, holding onto the controllers but not actually playing the game. And God, why does she look sad? Bella's not supposed to be sad.

I walk slowly towards her. She's lost somewhere, her eyes are far away and maybe even a little wet. And I feel my heart constrict and squeeze in my chest because I can't stand seeing that look on her face.

In less than a second I'm standing next to her.

"Need some competition?" I ask softly.

***

_His voice runs over me like water and I turn slowly to see if it came from my overactive imagination, or if he is actually standing next to me. There is a slight hesitation in that I know he can see my eyes and the promise of tears that is matted over them. But I can't be bothered to care because he's here. I bite the inside of my cheek as I assess my friend. He is different from the man I met at the office._

_My friend never wears shiny shoes and always has at least one hole in his jeans. He also has the ability to smile and that was something the pencil neck definitely lacked. Like the smile he is giving me right now. His hands already latched onto to the player two controllers, his face hopeful and concerned._

_Maybe if we don't talk about it we can pretend that he never left that lame ass message with Angela and I didn't swirl into awful memories at the sight of a rotten hot dog. Maybe we can even salvage this day._

_"That depends? You going to be a better loser today than at the arcade?" I ask. The confusion on his face breaks through my layer of sadness and begins to draw me back out. Out of the haze of lost chances and stale sobs._

_"Still Bella? Honestly you tricking me into thinking that a child was hurt and then pushing me away from the game hardly constitutes a win," he argues. That was an amazing move of skill if you ask me. Knowing exactly what would distract him long enough to ruin his obnoxious streak. Brilliance if you ask me._

_"All that matters is that in the end my score was higher than your score. How that happened isn't important," I inform him. I will be kind and not bring up the fact that I schooled him on Dance Dance Revolution. I don't want to be a sore winner, just pleasantly smug._

_My instant mood turn around is astounding even to me. It takes Emmett hours to break through to me when I've settled into my memories. He calls it 'emergency evacuation' and it usually involves ridiculous amounts of popcorn and unsuspecting people on the street below._

_I turn my head back to Edward who is shaking his head and laughing quietly. He has so many laughs. The best one is when he actually lets it take him over, it's also the rarest._

_"How was your day?" he asks. I want him to take the question back. I don't have the energy or desire to lie to him right now and I know that he will not be satisfied with 'not so good'. I press the button to cue up the game in an effort to avoid the question._

_"Let's see your skills big talker," I tease. He sighs softly, but grips the controllers. Even using all my supreme mental skills I cannot beat him. He has an odd affinity to this game. It was probably something they practiced at pencil neck class._

_I glare at the screen that declares him the winner and try to ignore his smugness next to me, but really I don't mind. It's harder to get lost when someone is with you. And the last thing I need right now is to get lost._

_"You know I can beat you and talk at the same time," he says. The smugness has melted away and the concern is back. I want the smugness, damnit. It doesn't involve me looking fragile or weak or anything that would let him know how much I might actually need him. I look back at the screen like its revealing tomorrows winning lotto numbers and he nudges me softly._

_"I know you're trying to avoid my question."_

_Can't argue with the truth. For a second I am tempted to pull him to the floor, wrap my arms around him and give him a big dose of the mess I really am. Instead I give into the reborn excitement of this place and reach for his hand._

_I've led him through two rooms before I realize that I've crossed a line. My hand relaxes and releases his from my hold. I quickly wrap it in the bottom of my sweater trying to distract myself from the lack of warmth. It tingles and reveals itself as the traitor it is by itching to touch him again._

_I slow as we enter the doll room and I'm mesmerized. If I had known as a small girl that all of this was possible, I would have held out for way more every time one of mother's friends left and she tried to compensate for lost time._

_"Can I guess?" His soft voice prevents me from digressing back into the haze and I glance back at him. The concern is still there but he's trying to mask it by using a small smile. It almost works. Before I can move away again his hand has taken mine and my damn traitorous fingers curl around his like a vice. My fingers and I will be having a talk about that later._

_Slowly, gently he leads me to a tiny table set up for tea. It's all I can do not to laugh as he sinks into one of the tiny chairs, his knees almost touching his chest. He tugs at my hand and looks at the chair next to him. I guess that would be my seat. I sigh as I slump down, my legs not nearly as folded as his are. There are some benefits of being short._

_He stares intently at me and I know what he wants, but I have to figure out a way to appease him and not let him get involved all at once. The inside of my cheek begins to feel abused as I once again gnaw on it._

_"Jake tried to corner you in the bathroom didn't he?" he asks. His face is the picture of seriousness, but I can see the mischief dancing in his eyes. The laughter bubbles out of me without my consent and I feel suddenly feel lighter. He squeezes my hand and grins at me. When did he get so good at making me feel better?_

_"Be nice to Jake. We've all been on the opposite end of a crush. Well maybe not the almighty Edward Cullen, but still," I scold. He rolls his eyes. The silence settles between us, but it's not heavy or suffocating, it just blankets us, keeping everything around us away._

_"We don't have to talk about it if you don't want to," he states quietly. And suddenly the burden is lifted. Like those were the magic words. I scoot my chair closer to him and closer to the table so I can use my arm not attached to him as a pillow. It's my comfort position._

_"Sometimes I just get caught up in the past and it just has this ability to, I don't know, take over," I breathe. I don't look at him as I say it. I keep my eyes fixed on a glass cabinet holding Alice in Wonderland dolls. I suddenly desperately want one. I flicker my eyes back to his face and the concentration stretched across his features._

_"And you can't push it away no matter how badly you want to," he adds and his completion of my thought makes my heart contract. Because as amazing it is to not be alone in that feeling, I would never wish it upon anyone else. Especially him. It's my turn to squeeze his fingers and he smiles softly at the gesture, but the strain in his face doesn't leave._

_"Maybe I should ask how your day was instead," I offer. He shakes his head and the honesty and pain diminish just a little. He swallows and licks his lips before meeting my gaze again._

_"Well, I'm starving," he answers. I laugh at his answer. I move to pull my hand form his, but he doesn't relent holding fast until I give him a look._

_"I will give it back I promise," I tease and he loosens his grip just allowing me to slip away to dig through my bag. My hand feels through the mess until I feel the coveted plastic bag. I pull it from the depths and hold it over my head triumphantly. His eyes follow the movement of my arm, but he doesn't look nearly as happy as I am to see the bag._

_Rolling my eyes I lower the bag and open it pulling a few of the gummies from it before placing them into his hand._

_"Sour Patch?" he asks amusedly, "I guess it's better than tofu."_

_He wiggles his fingers making them jump in his palm before he throws them all into his mouth. I gasp at the action._

_"You can't just eat them all at once love, they are best savored one at a time. The things I have to teach you," I mutter. He smiles openly at me the gummies sticking to his perfect teeth._

_"And of course they are better than tofu. Who the hell eats that shit anyways?" I ask. And then comes the laugh. My favorite one. I savor it and am glad that I am here sitting at a table meant for a three-year-old eating candy with the only person who I could tolerate today and that means a lot._

***

Thank god her smile is back.

I try to compose my breathing and then run my tongue over my teeth to get the remnants of the Sour Patch off. "As delicious as that was," I begin and take her hand back, "I'm still hungry."

I squeeze her hand once, loving how small and soft it is. Loving the contact and how much comfort it brings. There's something so innocent about this… us sitting on tiny chairs that we don't fit in, holding hands, eating candy, and laughing.

"And I'm guessing nothing from the candy shop downstairs is going to be much better," she says.

I shake my head and open my free hand, palm up, for more candy. I haven't had candy in so long.

"I need some real food."

She looks around longingly and I can see her hesitation to leave all over her face. "Then what would you suggest? I have to warn you that anything resembling a hotdog is an absolute no."

I stare at her for a moment before raising my eyebrows and saying, "Anything?"

She nods gravely. "Yes. And don't think I don't know what you're saying." I can't help the laughter that bubbles up inside of me. "Dirty men and their dirty minds," she mumbles but there's a smile quirking on her lips.

"I'm not a dirty man," I protest. "Just a really hungry one." And horny but I'm better off keeping that to myself.

"I've told you my requirements," she says. "The rest I leave up to you and your obviously soiled mind. Food only please, love."

And there's the love again. And it's not just the word, it's the way she says it combined with the look in her eyes. And it's all just so fucking kind and genuine and caring. It does me in.

I stand up and pull her to her feet.

"How do you feel about Mexican?" I ask as we start walking towards the escalators. It's weird that I came here by myself in a completely different state of mind and am leaving with her feeling a million times better.

"I feel pretty damn good about it," she says, and if possible, my smile grows.

"I haven't had Mexican in the longest time. It's my favorite."

"If it's your favorite you should have it all the time. What are you, some kind of masochist?" she asks.

I chuckle and shrug. "It's the compromise thing, I guess."

We ride the escalators down, floor by floor, until we're on the ground again. I walk slowly only because I think she wants to savor it for even a moment longer. And then I stop, frozen again. Bella, not realizing that I stopped, crashes into me because our hands are still linked.

"A little warning would be nice," she says, coming around to my side. "You know, I'm not what anyone would call coordinated."

"Sorry," I mumble, my eyes fixated on the bear that seems to have shrunk since the last time I saw him. But it obviously didn't shrink, I just grew up.

"Friend of yours?" she asks softly and squeezes my hand.

I turn, looking down at her twinkling kind eyes, and I realize that I can share this with her.

"That's Buzz," I say and she drags me closer to the bear. I reach out a hand, feeling slightly ridiculous until she reaches out and does the same. "I um… we met when I was 6. I couldn't bring him home with me. God, I can't believe he's still here. After all of these years."

"It's nice to finally meet a friend of yours. I'm sure we'll be back to visit him again. Right?"

I look back down at her and feel so much gratitude, and some amusement, but mostly gratitude. I nod. "We'll be back, yeah." I tug on her hand again. "Later, Buzz."

We walk outside and the night is cool but nothing crazy. I take Bella's hand in mine and slip them both into the pocket of my jacket.

"Wanna walk through the park first?" I ask.

She nods and huddles close to me and I feel her tremble once. I look down and narrow my eyes. "You probably wouldn't be so cold if you zipped that up," I tell her.

"It's hard to zip anything up with one hand. Wanna give mine back?"

Oh.

Oh. I release her hand immediately and stuff my hand into the pocket of my pants. I haven't needed this for almost the entire night. I let the pad of my pointer finger run along the smooth metal of the ring as we walk in silence.

"Would you answer me a question, love?"

I turn towards her and nod. "Sure. What's up?"

"What exactly is it that you have in your pocket that demands so much of your attention?"

My fingers stop their movement immediately. She noticed that? Nobody notices that. I clear my throat. "What do you mean?"

"Every chance you get you shove your hand into your pocket and, well, I don't know what you have in there, but I know it's something and I'm just hoping it's a removable object and not just easier access to, you know, something not removable," she says.

I start to laugh at the blush that creeps over her face. She's adorable. "This is a little embarrassing for me," I tell her.

Her eyes widen when she says, "Oh, lord, if it's not removable then forget I asked."

I laugh again and shake my head. "No, no, it's removable, Bella." I laugh again and then wrap my fingers around the ring again before taking my hand out of my pocket. "I've just… well, no one's ever asked."

We stop walking and I hold my fist out. She urges me with her eyes and I slowly, so slowly, start unfolding my fingers until there it is. Sitting in the middle of my now sweaty palm glinting in the streetlight.

Her mouth opens slightly and then just forms an "oh."

I feel my heart begin to race. I feel like a freak. I shouldn't have shown her this.

And then she says, "So it's that serious then? I guess I should say congratulations?"

"Um…" I begin but she's already turned and resumed walking… speed walking? She's speed walking away from me. I slip the ring back into my pocket and walk quickly trying to catch up with her. "Bella? Bella, where are you running to? Why are you running away from me?"

She ignores me. Her breath is coming fast from the efforts of her speed walking. Why is she speed walking?

I grab her hand to halt her movement and spin her around. "Bella," I say softly. "Why are you running? What is it?"

"I'm hardly running. I just thought you were hungry and were in a hurry. And besides, I don't want your soon to be fiancé to show up and think I'm standing too close to you. I'm not sure if I could handle her insults today."

And then she spins and resumes her speed walk.

God, I'm an ass.

I all but run to catch up to her again. "Bella, will you stop for a second?"

And she comes to a complete stop and stares down at her feet. "I thought you were a multi-tasker. Now you can't walk and talk?" she asks.

She's hurt. I've hurt her. Fuck me. I walked out on my "soon to be fiancé" and didn't give a shit and now I feel like the ultimate scum for essentially doing nothing to a girl that I've only known for three weeks.

"Look at me."

She lifts her eyes and stares at me through her eyelashes. I reach forward and tuck her hair behind her ear.

"Bella, I—"

"Edward?"

I sigh at the interruption. Who the fuck could I possibly bump into right now? I shift my eyes away from Bella's face and feel my heart stop beating.

This cannot be happening right now.

But it is. There's Cody and he looks exactly the same as he did all those years ago. Same sloppy grin and tattered Yankees cap.

"Is that seriously you?" he asks and comes rushing forward. "Holy shit, man! I never thought I'd see you again."

I feel dizzy as the memories come flying to the forefront of my mind. Memories that I had put away a long, long time ago. I try to force a smile and take his hand when he offers it to me.

"How've you been?" I ask and shove my hand deep into my pocket as soon as it's free. I press my thumb viciously into the stone.

"Good, bro. I've just been playing with random bands here and there. Do you still play?" he asks.

And then I feel Bella's hand as it slips into my pocket and she wraps her fingers around mine.

***

_I decided to be the bigger person. He owes me words. Words that spell out what the hell a ring he carries around in his pocket should mean to me especially after being attached to the hand that so diligently attends to said ring. But right now, his whole body is tense and his face is pale and all I can do, all I want to do is help._

_I slip my hand into his pocket and carefully slide my palm between his fingers and the ring. He latches onto it instantly and I swear he unwinds just a little. I smile at my small victory and bring my eyes back to the man in front of us._

_You could never call him intimidating or even remotely scary and yet something about him has Edward completely terrified. He swallows roughly a few times and his eyes dart down to mine like I might be able to answer the question for him. I wish I could._

_"No, I um stopped…after…yeah."_

_What sounds like gibberish to me seems to satisfy his…friend? I continue to look between them. They both are looking at their shoes clearly in another moment that I can't possibly break into. Edward grips my hand even more and I squeeze it back. I'm torn between walking away so they can talk about whatever this is and demanding that someone tell me what's going on._

_"Yeah, that makes sense I guess. You two were, close," the man replies. For the first time in the conversation his eyes find mine. I want to wave obnoxiously. Yes, I have been here the entire time._

_"This your girl?" he asks and both Edward and I freeze. It's my turn to swallow down my nerves as I wait for him to answer. It's his friend, I can't just speak up and why the hell is it taking him so long to reply?_

_"This is Bell….Izzy. Izzy, this is Cody," he states formally. Well that clears a whole lot of nothing up. And since when does he call me Izzy? It sounds so cold and formal coming from him._

_Cody stretches forth his hand and I awkwardly use my left to shake it. My right hand is busy. God that sounds dirty. Edward and his stupid dirty mind rubbing off on me._

_"It's nice to meet you." I say it simply because it's what you're supposed to say. He nods and starts to fidget a little. Edward simply looks at him. I tug on his hand and his eyes finally lower to meet mine. There is a pain there I can't even begin to address. Instead I decide to be his escape. I tilt my head towards the park and he nods swiftly._

_"Anyway…we were just on our way," he motions with his head towards a destination I'm not sure of yet," to dinner….Bell….Izzy's hungry, but it was good to see you man."_

_It's a brush off if I've ever heard one, but Cody doesn't seem to mind. His head bobs along with Edward's words._

_"Sure, sure. We'll have together sometime," he adds. Another thing people say because you're supposed to. I wonder what would happen if we all actually said what we meant. They dance around the issue of parting gestures and settles with a wave as Edward pulls me in the opposite direction._

_"Now who's in a hurry?" I tease. The light tone doesn't slow him down and I'm thankful for my ability to walk fast. I wait a while trying to give him space. I begin counting lampposts as we rush past them. I allow him to pull me along, keeping my hand rooted deep in his pocket because I think that's what he needs right now._

_"Would it be awful if I turned the whole conversation from the toy store around on you right now?" I press. His steps slow and he takes a deep breath._

_"You can ask." I almost laugh at the way it comes out. Like I have been granted a great honor, but then the impulse dies inside of me. Because there are few things I would like more right now than to be granted access to his mind._

_"Are you ok?" I ask. He pauses and looks at me oddly like he wasn't expecting that question. And I wonder if I asked the wrong one._

_"That's what you wanted to ask?" I hate obvious questions._

_"What else would I ask? If you wanted to give me all the sordid details of an obviously very uncomfortable situation, you would. All I really need to know is if you are ok," I inform him. I may WANT to know everything it may be nagging at me at this very moment, but I am not pushy. I don't like to be pushed and therefore I try not to push. He shakes his head and hides his eyes from me._

_"Yes…no…I don't know," he sighs. I rub my thumb over the back of his hand. My fingers shift and I feel the metal object in his pocket. I almost want to revisit that conversation, but not being pushy._

_"Do you think you could pick one for me?" I ask._

_"I could probably settle on I don't know, but leaning heavily towards the no, not okay right now but will be if we stop talking about this. Does that work?"_

_It works perfectly for me. I start walking and pull him forward forcing him to keep walking in the direction we were headed._

_"So where are we going for dinner that has nothing resembling a hot dog, but serves amazing chips and salsa?" I ask. I feel him relax next to me. I know how to avoid a topic, I invented the need._

_"I like this place uptown...would that be ok?" he asks hesitantly. I want to smack him upside the head for asking. Why does he feel the need to have permission for his opinions? It is a quality that would piss me off in anyone else, but I am willing to overlook it in him._

_"Anywhere you want."_

_And the sad part is, I mean it. Anywhere he wants._


	8. Chapter 8

A/N Almost 1,000 hits! That's so amazing. Only 34 reviews....not so amazing. To those of you who have taken the time to review....kisses and love and all that jazz. Your words keep us going so thank you so much. Everyone else.....let us know what you think, what you hope will happen, anything :) Once again enough cannot be said about our fantastic beta off-the-deep-end. If you haven't read her story Good Bella Bad Bella, get your ass over there and read. And here it is....

***

_The sun is actually shining today. I don't know what I did right to deserve this weather, but I am not going to wish it away for anything. I take a brief moment to soak up some of the lingering rays before turning my attention back to the task at hand._

_I reach back and tug firmly at the hand attached to mine. I know he's not exactly thrilled about my choice of activities. Because no matter what he says I can see the way he sidesteps puddles and I know the smell of the elephants is chasing him wherever we go._

_"Walking slower won't make getting dirty any less possible," I toss the words back playfully and watch as his face scrunches up at the sight of a discarded ice cream cone in the center of the path. I laugh and keep pulling him along. This is good for him to remember that sometimes acting like a kid isn't a bad thing._

_We have a standing appointment now. Every Wednesday we both leave the offices a little early and just, well, do what ever the hell we want. We're supposed to alternate picking activities, but so far the only thing he actually suggested was going to the seaport. Which, don't get me wrong, was fantastic, but now he irritatingly wants to do 'whatever I want to do'._

_So today I called his bluff. I love the zoo; I love the feeling of rushing from cage to cage and being surrounded by people and animals. But I knew that the smell and the dirt would not appeal to him. I'm pretty sure Edward was the child who didn't like to get his shoes dirty._

_"Can we leave after you see the monkeys?" his voice breaks through. I shake my head. We haven't even seen the penguins yet and he is trying to make a compromise._

_"You said whatever I wanted and this is what I want," I inform him. I should probably have mercy on him and let him know that I fully intend on bailing soon to take him to Simon's record shop, but I like watching him squirm._

_"But, Bella, I can feel the infections festering inside of me every time I breathe in this dirty air."_

_Did he just whine? Wow. I underestimated his ability to adapt. I glance back at him and he is smirking at me and for a moment I worry that he is onto my plan. I roll my eyes and pull him so he's walking next to me rather than behind me. He takes a few long strides and ends up right next to me. We near the penguins and I can't help the little skip in my step._

_He chuckles at me, but meets my speed. He squeezes my hand and I love the reminder that his hand is in mine and not shoved in his pocket. I want to bring up the ring again, make him explain why the hell he is toting that around when it is obviously meant to be worn by someone else. But, I don't want a repeat of that night and selfishly I don't really want to know if he is going to be down on one knee in front of Godzilla bitch any time soon._

_"This is so silly Bella, I'll rent March of the Penguins for you, it'll have the same result without all this filth," he suggests. I roll my eyes once again and pull my hand from his grasp and slide down the railing, putting space between us. Only so much whining is allowed._

_"I know the possibility of getting your chucks dirty is absolutely appalling, but could you just for a moment look up and around you instead of trying to find an outbreak?" I ask._

_He inches towards me, but I move just as far away. There is no need for him to rain on my day. And yet as his hand reaches into his pocket I feel like I've failed him. His frown makes me sigh and I can't help but slowly slide back towards him._

_A group of the penguins are following my actions and I can't help but smile. I slide back and forth along the railing watching them mimic my movements. I laugh and almost forget about the person who came with me._

_After a couple of minutes I start to feel bad for making the penguins do so much work just to keep up with me and I feel eyes on the side of my face. I try to be inconspicuous when I look over at him, but the moment his eyes meet mine he grins and motions for me to come back towards him._

_I move slowly, slower than I want to, but I'm trying to walk a fine line here. Because we're friends. Friends, who go on outings and happen to really, really love each others company. Friends who will not be developing any further because one friend has an attachment to a ring and more importantly a person to possibly give that ring to._

_But at the same time I love the ring because it means that Edward will never be a number. That I'll never have the chance to turn my unfortunate genetics upon him and hurt this person I have come to really care about._

_I stop a few feet from him and grin. Like I was going to make this easy. He arches an eyebrow and motions for me to come closer. I shake my head._

_"Are you done whining?" I ask. It's his turn to roll his eyes and I feel a small sense of victory as he pulls his hand from his pocket and crosses his arms over his chest._

_"Only because watching you lead the penguins around was so adorable."_

_I feel my heart flutter at his words, but I force the butterflies to get the hell out of my stomach. This feeling is not allowed. I clench my teeth and concentrate on pushing the feeling away. His face falls at the look on mine._

_I force a smile and grip the rail even tighter. I rotate my hand around looking for a release and the pain that shoots through my hand, while distracting was not what I was looking for._

_Instantly I pull my hand back the red smeared across my palm does not look good. Before I can cast a death glare at the responsible rail Edward has my hand is his and I can feel his breath drying the blood. My instinct is to pull away, but he has my wrist and is not allowing me to administer my usual remedy, my shirt and the nearest water fountain._

_"It's fine," I try to laugh it off, but it is still bleeding and the cut does look rather long. He looks at me skeptically before throwing his eyes around the area. No doubt hoping for a paramedic to pop out of the pond in front of the penguins._

_"Bella," he murmurs. I feel like I'm in trouble, but its not like I stuck my hand into a bag of razors. And why the hell is he still calling me Bella?_

_"We should get you to the hospital," he decides and my stomach drops. I summon my superhuman strength and pull my hand from his. He looks alarmed and reaches for it again. I hold it against my chest and back away. He just said the worst word in my vocabulary._

_"No. Nope. I will not be going to the hospital," I state. He looks at me like I am insane. I hate hospitals, everything about them. I hate the smell, the awful colors they paint the walls and most of all I hate the evil people they call doctors. Pain mongers are what they are._

_"Bella, this place is crawling with germs. You could get tetanus," He warns. Like that's scary? Ha!_

_"No, we'll just find a water fountain and a band aid and it will be fine," I argue. He comes at me slowly his hands extended. Carefully he pulls my hand from my chest and back into his hold. I look down at the red steak on my shirt and worry he might win this fight._

_"It will probably get infected and then you'll definitely have to go to the hospital and the trip will be a lot less pleasant if that's the case. It'll probably involve shots," he rattles off and suddenly I'm convinced. I swallow thickly and can't hide the small child inside that comes out when needles and doctors are involved._

_"You'll come with me though? Stay?" I ask. He lays his spare arm over my shoulder and begins to lead me away._

_"Where else would I be?" And just like that I am letting him lead me to my worst fear and I'm not scared in the least. I'm just going to ignore that huge issue until after the bleeding stops._

***

Maybe I overreacted. But the sight of all of that blood gushing from her palm sent me into a little bit of a panic. If I had taken her hand back she wouldn't have cut it.

I pull her more tightly into my side when she all but stops moving when we get to the entrance of the hospital.

She's not afraid of getting tetanus but she's afraid of the hospital.

"Come on," I urge softly, "it's fine."

She looks up at me and the anxiety in her eyes relaxes slightly before she nods. We walk through the automatic doors and up to the front desk.

"Excuse me," I say to the receptionist and wait until she turns her attention to me.

"How can I help you?"

"We um… she needs to see a doctor," I say slowly. "She cut her hand."

The woman's eyes narrow before she hands us a clipboard. "Fill that out and then bring it back to me," she says.

I stare at the clipboard for a moment—I hate those clipboards. "Shouldn't she get checked out first?" I ask.

"It's standard procedure."

"If she had been in an accident and was bleeding profusely from her head would you have her sit down and fill forms out first?" I ask. My irritation is growing. These aren't emotions that I'm necessarily used to.

The woman blinks at me. "Is she bleeding from her head?"

"Maybe."

"Edward," Bella says, and squeezes my side once. "It's fine." She takes the clipboard. "Come on."

We sit down and she puts her head down and starts filling out the endless forms. There are people all around us, shrieking, running, panicking. I always find hospital emergency rooms interesting in that respect. I like seeing how people act in times of crisis, when everything is hanging precariously in the air, when everything they care about it is in jeopardy.

"She could've at least given you a tissue for your hand," I grumble after a few minutes.

She looks up at me, her face framed by her hair, and laughs. "If all I needed was a tissue, we wouldn't be here."

I sigh and start tapping my foot impatiently. "Are you almost finished?" I ask and she just shoots me a look before resuming her writing.

This is taking forever. By the time she's finished and the doctor actually looks at her, she'll probably have already bled out.

Finally, she flips to the beginning of the packet and smiles victoriously at me. "All done," she says and stands up.

"'Bout time." I follow her to the desk where she hands the receptionist her clipboard. "Should we write up a personal biography and family medical history or do you think we can see the doctor now?"

Bella looks up and stares at me in shock because the rudeness in my voice isn't exactly typical of me.

The woman evens out the papers and shoots me a look. But I've got plenty to give back and so she eventually looks away. "No, this is fine. Follow me."

We follow her back into an examination room. "Have a seat. Doctor Shaw will be with you shortly."

When she walks out, Bella jumps up onto the examination table and rustles the stiff paper they always have set out.

"You're gonna lose all of your blood by the time they get anything done in this place," I tell her.

She rolls her eyes at me and starts swinging her legs back and forth. "It's nice to know you have so much faith in the doctors who will determine my fate. Why'd you want to come here again?"

"To make sure you didn't contract hepatitis," I tell her and run my hands up and down my legs.

"Don't they have a home test we could've taken for that?"

I roll my eyes at her now. "Don't you want to make sure your wound is clean to avoid the whole issue entirely?"

"I'm just saying, you're the one who wanted to come. I would've been happy with a band-aid and a kiss to make it better," she says and her face turns red almost immediately. "I mean, sanitizer or Angela would kiss it, you know."

I look at her and feel the beginnings of a smile at my lips. "I'll kiss it when we leave and know it's fine." The words are out of my mouth before I can stop them, and her shocked eyes shoot up to mine.

Thank god the door bursts open before I can completely humiliate myself.

"Isabella Swan?" the doctor asks, staring down at her chart as he strolls into the room. Then he looks up and smiles at her and I swear her entire face lights up. "I'm Dr. Shaw."

"Hi," she says and smiles her brightest Bella smile at him. I feel my chest tighten. "You can call me Izzy."

"So what seems to be the problem?" he asks.

She shifts slightly on the table and then holds her hand out. "I barely cut my hand at the zoo and SOMEONE insisted we come in," she says and shoots me a look.

Dr. Shaw barely looks at me and then turns back to her. "If you were my girlfriend, I'd insist the same thing," he says.

She scoffs at him. _Scoffs_. And then says, "We're not together. He's in a relationship. He has an engagement ring in his pocket."

Back to the ring. Of course we're back to the ring. Dr. I'm-fucking-Izzy-Swan-with-my-eyes-Shaw grins at her. Apparently his dick is more important than the cut on her hand. I clench my jaw and fight the urge to remind him why we're here in the first place.

"Let's take a look at this cut," he says, and stands directly in front of her, taking her little hand in both of his monster ones. She smiles up at him, her Bella smile again, and I reach into my pocket for the ring. The fucking ring.

He hums and haws over her hand before he turns and reaches for some peroxide or alcohol or whatever the fuck doctors use to clean cuts. This is taking too long.

"This isn't so bad," he says. "It may burn for a second but that's all."

And then he starts dabbing the peroxide on her hand. She flinches and he brings her palm closer to his face and blows on it. Is this appropriate? I could've done this for her at home.

Then he unwraps a band-aid and places it over her palm. "There you go," he says and holds her hand for a little longer than necessary before he drops it into her lap. "You're all set."

I walk over and take her hand in mine. I don't know what's going on with me, but I always need to have her hand in mine. Especially now.

She looks up at me. "See, Edward? All he used was a band-aid. You could've done that," she says to me.

I nod tightly. I want to get out of here. Now. "You were right," I say and then lift her injured hand in mine. I bring it to my lips and stare at Dr. Dickhead as I kiss it once gently.

"Can we um… can we go now?" she asks quietly.

I help her down from the table and we start towards the door.

"Izzy," he says and we both turn around. He snaps his gloves off and smirks at me. "I was wondering if maybe you'd like to go to dinner with me tomorrow night."

***

_I wish someone would cut through this tension and release me from it. I feel like a toy caught between two children and one of the kids already has a toy in his other hand. I lick my dry lips and try not to think of Edward's hand wrapped firmly around mine. Is this actually happening? Right now? In my personal idea of hell?_

_I force a smile and breathe deeply. Besides the fact that I am taking immense comfort on the hand around mine, it's not mine to take comfort from. Soon, sooner than I would like he will go home to the future owner of the ring and that's the way it should be._

_People like Edward are the reason I keep my distance. People that special; that sweet should never be wounded by me. Dr. Shaw on the other hand; he's the love 'em and leave 'em type. I can see it written all over his face as he waits for my answer. And that's how I know what I have to do._

_"Sure." As soon as the words leave my mouth my hand is dropped. I don't have to look at Edward to know he is now taking his strange refuge in his ring. It's all I can do to keep my eyes on the doctor and act like this is what I really want. Forget act. This is was I want._

_"Perfect. If you give me your phone number I'll call you later and set everything up," He replies smoothly, too smoothly. I know that one of the reasons he is so interested is because Edward is here. Men are sick that way; they always want what someone else has._

_He reaches for a prescription pad and begins to write down his information. I fumble with my own hands and glance at Edward for comfort, but he is still too busy with his ring. I swallow thickly as the good doctor hands me the pad and waits for me to write everything down._

_"I don't have a cell, but I'll give you my home number and you can leave a message if I don't pick up," I explain. Edward chuckles darkly next to me. He has a personal mission to convert me to cell phones. I don't know why when his has betrayed him so fully in the past. GPS anyone?_

_"Not a problem. I'm sure if I want to find you I'll have no problems," Dr. Shaw answers. His answer is almost so smooth I want to laugh. I hand him the pad back and he inspects the number like he would be able to know right off if it was a fake._

_"I guess I'll talk to you soon then," I finish and loop my arm through Edward's and lead him through the door. I don't want to hear any more cheesy lines from the doctor and I'm worried if Edward does he's going to need the doctor's help to fix his thumb._

_Once again I find myself leading a reluctant follower as we leave. The automatic doors slide open and welcome us out of hell and I feel a small amount of the awkwardness lift. I raise my hand for a cab, willing to take the expense to hopefully ease more of the tension between us. Because even if I am trying to kill all butterflies, I don't want to lose Edward. I like him and all his shoes, dirty or not._

_A cab pulls to the side and I push Edward inside and climb in after him. Once inside I hesitate. I don't know his address and I don't really know where to go from here._

_"What's your address?" Edward finally decides to break his silence. I glance over at him, but he is engaged in a staring contest with the back of the driver's seat. I quickly give the cabby my address and settle back into my seat. My attention goes to my bandaged hand and suddenly I am cursing the zoo, the penguins and everything else that brought us into this awkward situation._

_"He can drop you first if your place is closer, no reason for you to go all over town," I offer. I'm not going to force him to sit in this stew of awkward we have going in here. Hell, I feel bad that we brought this into the cab. Poor cabby. He doesn't deserve this._

_"It's fine." And yet he is still more interested in the seat then me._

_"No it's not fine. If it was fine you wouldn't be staring at the back of that seat like it held the answer to some magical math problem," I argue. I will not allow him to do this. We are friends. He does not get to pout._

_"Let's double tomorrow." What the hell? He doesn't even punctuate that with any mind of eye contact. How is that going to fix anything?_

_"I think you and Hannah should get to know each other anyway. It'll be good," he adds. Still have no idea what good that would do. I'm pretty sure that our first encounter was more than enough for me. I can only imagine what kind of remarks she'll make given this new opportunity._

_"And the back of the seat helped you make this decision?" I press. Finally he glances at me and I'm sure that all he sees is shock. I'm not on board with this idea and I'm not going to make it easy._

_"What does the back of the seat have anything to do with anything?" he asks. I can't help but scoff. Really? What the hell was he looking at then? I'm tempted to get a better look for myself, but his eyes fixed on mine make it difficult._

_"You can't go from not speaking to me to trying to turn this into a group date. It doesn't work that way. You have to at least be civil in between," I inform him. He sighs and leans back against the seat rubbing his face._

_"I'm making an effort Bella," he insists. Some effort. Why doesn't he just offer to take me to get some teeth pulled on the way? Deep breaths. I glance over at him and his earnest eyes and I'm screwed. He really is trying._

_"Fine. If you want to, I guess it could be good. I don't really want to be alone with the good doctor anyways," I give in. He smirks triumphantly. I'm not sure why though, but it makes me laugh and a little tension slips away. The cab slows and I lean towards to window to glance up at my building._

_"Well, this is me," I say as I open the door and slide out. I reach in and offer the fare so far and when I hear the door close and see Edward on the sidewalk next to me. The cab pulls away and I just stare._

_"Do you live in my building?" I ask even though I know the answer is no. I reach into my bag with my good hand and dig for my keys. I glance up at him between the searches._

_"I wanted to make sure you get in okay. What with your injured hand and all."_

_Like that really justifies it, but I'm not quite ready for him to go so I'll let it slide. I make my way into the building and hold the door open for him to follow._

_"I'm going to warn you that my roommate is probably the biggest pig on the face of the earth and I can't even begin to prepare you for what we might encounter," I warn. He chuckles and nods. He thinks I'm kidding and that's how I know he doesn't know Emmett._

_The hot dog incident rushes to the front of my mind and I want to push Edward back down the stairs, but I push the door open instead. I hold my breath and close my eyes and I enter._

_"You will never understand Helen Keller, Izzy, so stop trying," Emmett says. I hear and feel Edward laughing behind me. This I the last thing I need, for them to join forces against me._

_"Edward this less than charming beast is Emmett my roommate, Emmet this is Edward former pencil neck, now friend," I spout out the intros and hope that Edward will be satisfied that I am safe and leave._

_"Yeah I remember you, you were there the morning 22 ½ made his exit," Emmet chuckles. I groan and toss my bag on the floor. Fantastic._

_"I really wish you would stop calling me a pencil neck, former or not. Hey man, it's nice to meet you," Edward says. Like I could ever stop calling him pencil neck. I stifle a chuckle._

_"So I'm here and I made it bum hand and all, so I guess you probably need to get home." It's not subtle, but I never claimed that subtlety was my strong suit._

_"Slow down, bum hand? What the hell did you do this time Izzy?" Emmett has now abandoned his perch on the couch to make his way over. I try to hide my hand under my other arm, but he rips it out._

_"Again?" Emmett laughs. I glare at him and rip my hand back._

_"It had nothing to do with grace or balance Emmett do you can just push that insult back down your throat," I spit. Edward laughs and I offer him a piece of the glare as well. That shut him up._

_"She cut it at the penguin display at the zoo," Edward offers._

_"Traitor," I hiss. And then they both laugh. I was wrong about the hospital being hell, this clearly is purgatory._

_"Calm down Izzy, I won't tell your new friend that hanging around you should require additional insurance. That wouldn't be nice of me and I'm always nice," Emmett adds. Ugh. Who needs an older brother when I have Emmett? I feel a hand rub soothingly down my back and I look back at Edward. He offers me a half smile before running his hand down my arms and taking mine in his._

_"I'll get going before I start some kind of war between you two," he states._

_"Don't rush off on my behalf. I'll just get out of the way," Emmett adds. He slinks back to the couch and I huff and roll my eyes._

_"I'm sorry about him, he thinks it's funny to get me all riled up," I try to explain. Not that anyone could ever explain Emmett. And now we must be friends because he's seen me resort to being ten again._

_"Don't apologize Bella," he says and tucks my hair behind my ear. The action sends a shiver down my spine and I don't even allow the butterflies to start. A smile twitches on the corners of my mouth and he returns the gesture._

_"I guess I really should get going though, it's getting late," he sighs. I nod and bite the inside of my cheek. It's what I wanted all along so why do I feel like begging him to stay?_

_"Yeah, I know I was a pain, but thanks for everything. I know I don't have any infectious diseases so that's a plus," I smile. He chuckles and backs towards the door._

_"Call me about tomorrow?"_

_If he is asking a question does that mean I can say no? I catch his gaze and know the answer._

_"Yeah, sure."_

_As soon as he's gone I lean against the door. I need a bath and I need it now. I trudge to my room and try to ignore my idiot roommate._

_"He's a nice guy Iz."_

_That is not what I expected. I was ready for some jab about number 23. I grunt a response and keep going. I don't need to deal with Emmett and his hope of my healthy love life. Not now. Not today. I have some butterflies to kill and a bath calling my name._

***

I don't understand what it is about that woman that makes me say things and do things and feel things that are entirely out of character. A double date? What the fuck was I thinking? I don't want Hannah around Bella. The thought is just… it's wrong. I don't want it.

But I got… what was it, jealous? I actually got jealous of that stupid doctor and her agreeing to his date. And fuck if I'd rather Hannah be around Bella for a few hours than Bella be alone with Doctor Shaw for god knows how long.

I walk into the apartment and drop my briefcase on the floor. My chucks are tucked safely back inside of it.

"Edward?"

"Hi," I say warily. Lately, I can never gauge what Hannah's mood's gonna be like when I get home.

"How was your day?" she asks, coming out to greet me. She wraps her arms around my waist and squeezes.

It's a nice gesture but… well, never mind. I give her a squeeze back and then pull away. "It was good. How was yours?"

"Good," she says and walks with me into the kitchen. "I ordered pizza."

Pizza? I give her a look and she laughs. "Don't look at me like that," she says.

"You don't eat pizza."

"Warm it up," she says with a flick of her wrist. "No point in eating pizza if you're gonna eat it cold."

I slide two slices into the toaster oven and turn to look at her. She smiles slightly at me. "I um… I wanted to apologize to you," she says nervously.

"About?"

"I shouldn't have…" she pauses and her face twists up in distaste. "I shouldn't have stalked you. I'm sorry about that."

Is this even possible right now? I feel something like hope light up inside of me. "It's okay," I tell her and give her a small smile. "Actually I wanted to talk to you about something."

She lifts an eyebrow. "What's that?"

"Well," I begin and pull my pizza out of the oven, "I think we should go out tomorrow night." This has to be handled really carefully.

She nods. "We can do that. I've been meaning to try this new Vegetarian Restaurant downtown."

I almost laugh at the prospect of telling Bella that we should eat Vegetarian. Instead I shake my head. "Well, actually, I told a friend of mine that we'd double date with her." She freezes and stares at me. "Well, you remember Isabella, right? I worked that account with her freelance company?"

"The whore you were at the bar with, you mean?" she asks nastily.

"She's not a whore, Hannah; she's a friend of mine. I don't call your friends whores."

"My friends don't grind with me," she snaps.

I narrow my eyes and shake my head at her. "We were hardly grinding. You're being dramatic."

"I'm being dramatic?" she asks, her voice escalating to a very unpleasant volume.

"The point is," I continue, ignoring her, "I told her we would join her. And because she's my friend, I think it's important that the two of you know each other."

"I'm not interested," she says and crosses her arms.

"You'd better find some before tomorrow night," I tell her mildly, "because we're going."

"How would it make me look—"

But I cut her off before she can finish her question. "Like somebody that's actually interested in being with me. Be ready at 7:30 tomorrow."

And with that, I walk out of the kitchen and into my room. I lock the door and pull out the record player. I need to hear some music.


	9. Chapter 9

A/N I have to say....those of you who did review.....amazing. we love love love hearing your thoughts and questions. seriously, let em rip. I promise we will be getting better about personally replying to them. it's a learning process. as always feedback is loved, adored and given a good home :) and can't send this off with out giving HUGE thanks to off-the-deep-end our stellar beta! and on it goes....

***

I hold the door open for Hannah who takes a cautious step into the restaurant. "Stop making that face," I tell her and she rolls her eyes at me.

"Who runs this place?" she asks and shrugs out of her coat before handing it to me. "Are we at a low budget nightclub or a restaurant?"

I ignore her and scan the room for Bella but she isn't here yet. Not that I'm especially shocked that she's late.

"How can I help you?" The hostess smiles brightly at me.

"We have a reservation for four," I tell her.

"What's the name?"

"Um…" Shit, I don't know what name she put it under. "Izzy I believe."

She scans her computer and Hannah huffs and puffs next to me. "This music isn't even in English," she mumbles.

The hostess looks up at her and says, "This is a Greek restaurant. Follow me please."

I hold back a laugh because Hannah has, if possible, managed to twist her face into an even more distasteful scowl. "You can always tell how trashy a restaurant is gonna be by the tasteless employees they hire," she says, loud enough for the hostess to hear.

I feel my shoulders slump. Hannah's in one of her moods tonight—her fighting, pretentious mood. This is not a good sign. I sit down next to her and take my jacket off.

"I understand now why you insisted on wearing those ridiculous sneakers," she says to me. "If I'd known that we were coming to a place like this, I wouldn't have even bothered to change out of my pajamas."

"Give it a rest, Hannah," I say quietly and look down at the menu.

"What do people even eat at these types of places?" she asks and opens her own menu.

I scan the menu and ignore her. I've learned that if I don't pay attention to her tantrums, they end faster.

"This is the woman that had her finances in an Incredible Hulk lunchbox, right?" she asks and I take a deep breath for patience. "It figures she'd be late."

I clench my fist under the table and am about to tell her to shut up, for real, when I feel someone bump into my shoulder. I look up and feel my tension slip away at the huge, bright smile on Bella's face.

"Hi!" she says enthusiastically and slips into her chair. Doctor Dick sits down next to her and offers me a tight smile. Bella plucks my menu out of my hands. "So, what are we having?"

Doctor Dick clears his throat and smiles when we look at him. "I'm Sean."

"Oh," Bella says and breathes out a laugh. "I probably should've done the introductions. Sorry, I forget my manners when I'm this hungry."

I can't help the smile that crosses my face. The smile that falters only slightly when Hannah mumbles, "In order to forget them, you'd have to have them to begin with."

I clear my throat. "Hannah, this is Izzy and Sean," I say.

Bella's eyes turn to Hannah and she smiles tightly at her. And then Doctor Dick slips his arm around Bella's shoulders. I narrow my eyes when he pulls her body into his and away from mine. He puts his cheek right next to hers and starts reading _our_ menu with her.

"Any recommendations?" he asks, turning his head so that his lips brush against her cheek at the end of his words.

I feel my chest tighten.

She turns and smiles up at him. "I can't tell you what to order. What's the fun in that?"

"What's everyone else ordering?" Doctor Dick asks but directs his question at Hannah.

She looks up, irritation palpable on her face. "Everything on this menu is made with lamb," she says.

***

_I think Godzilla bitch may be lost or seriously delusional. She can read right? I am only giving her the benefit of the doubt because I know that Edward would not date someone who didn't know the difference between the word lamb and the word chicken. I reach a hand out and press my finger into her menu._

_"Unless you've seen lamb under water I'm pretty sure you're safe ordering anything called fish," I say. I watch Edward's eyes bulge as he tries to hold back his laughter. I probably could have been nicer about that._

_Once back into my seat Sean replaces his hand on my knee. He seems to think that is the designated resting place for his twitching fingers. I quickly cross my legs and then uncross them, knocking his hand from its perch. He has not earned that right._

_My leg starts to shake and I can't help it. There is so much tension at this table and I seem to be the only one capable of speaking. The waitress approaches and I swear she has a halo above her head because she is seriously my savior._

_"Have you decided on anything?" she asks. I look anxiously around the table, but everyone seems too involved in the menu to respond. I roll my eyes for no one's benefit but my own._

_"Yeah, I think we'll start with saganaki, an order of fried calamari, some people are scared of lamb and pikilia," I ramble off. The other occupants of the table just look up blankly like I may have just ordered bulls balls. The waitress nods and scribbles in her notepad._

_"And some really good wine, whatever you have," I add. She leaves and the god awful silence settles back in. I know first dates can be awkward, but this is some kind of record. I toss my menu on the table desperate for noise._

_"So how was everyone's day?"_

_Yes, I have resorted to terrible small talk. I wait for an answer, but Sean just smirks at me when I make eye contact and his hand returns to my knee. Good lord man, I know you want sex later. I got that message when you 'accidentally' grabbed my ass on the way out of the cab. I shift away from him and give Edward a pointed look. He is my friend. He is required to help me salvage this disaster. His eyes flit from my eyes down to my still bandaged hand._

_"How's the hand?" he asks. How is that telling me about his day? I nearly groan as the table comes alive in interest. People and their morbid curiosity about wounds. Sean is the first to reach for my hand, barely beating out Edward's effort. I pull away from both of them and hold my hand safely against my chest._

_"My hand is fine. No worse for the wear thanks, but it's nice to know you all are so worried about my ability to keep bringing music to the masses," I tease. Only Hannah looks unamused._

_"I should probably take another look at it later," Sean begins. "When we're back at your place I'll clean and redress it."_

_It's innocent enough, it's legitimate doctor talk, but that doesn't stop me from hearing the key words and glancing at Edward who has become too stiff. I am worried if I touch him a piece of him might break off. This might even be too much for me to fix. Damn Edward and suggesting this double shit._

_I slump in my seat feeling defeated. The food appears before us and again I am tempted to just tag along with the waitress, she seems to be better company than anyone at this table. I lean forward and inhale deeply, I really am hungry and this place is phenomenal._

_I don't hesitate in digging in, loading my plate before I realize I am the only one excited about this. I huff before slamming my plate full of this fantastic food down in front of Edward. I take another plate and load it as well before giving it Sean. I hesitate before repeating the action, with small portions and offering it Hannah. She leans away from the plate, but Edward takes it from my hand and places it in front of her offering me a smile._

_When I finally have my own food in front of me I don't really care if they like it. I am going to enjoy this with or without them. Hannah pokes at the assortment on her plate and eyes it warily._

_"I promise its good, just try it," I urge. My very last effort. I watch as Edward moves first, placing a piece of saganaki in his mouth. I hold my breath as he chews slowly and smiles._

_"God, that's really good. Hannah, taste it." Edward turns his newfound enthusiasm on Hannah and holds his fork out and waits for her to take the bite. She shakes her head persistently._

_"You know I don't eat fried food Edward and I skipped Yoga tonight to be here so there is no way I can eat that," she argues pushing his hand away. She rips a piece of pita bread into a tiny piece and pops it into her mouth like that counts. I turn my head away from them and am met with a piece of pits bread and the good doctor's choice of dip spread across my cheek. Was not ready for that._

_And yet all I can do it laugh. I reach for my napkin and wipe away the dip._

_"Thanks for that Sean," I chuckle. I meet his gaze and he smiles back, toothy and sure. He reaches for another piece of pita and tries again. I humor him even though I am perfectly able to feed myself. At least he is no longer an observer. I close my eyes as I chew because really it's that good._

_"What do you think?" I ask him. He reaches out and spreads a little of the dip on my lower lips before leaning in to lick it off. Wow, he just did that in front of Edward. Not that it matters, but in front of my friend and his…well Hannah._

_"It tastes better on you," he replies slyly. I roll my eyes and laugh off the action. The waitress comes back and I know I will be tipping her well, she has amazing timing. We manage to order without much fuss even though all Hannah gets is a salad, with everything worth eating in a salad on the side. I almost choked on my wine when she requested no feta. Who hates feta? It's like hating bunnies or marshmallows._

_Edward reaches in for more calamari and I smile and nudge him. He wobbles in his seat like he night actually fall over and I laugh, hard. He steadies himself on the table and then smiles back at me. Is it wrong that I feel like this would be so much better if it were just he and I here?_

_"I knew you'd like it, once you were able to abandon you're pencil neck tendencies and break loose. You know you love it."_

_I can't help the singsong sound my voice takes on at the end. I nudge him again and he turns his head to me like the smile on his face is secret he has to keep from Hannah._

_"I never said I didn't like Greek food, you just assumed that I was naïve to it all," he replies. This is true. I assumed that along with his perfect shoes there are so many things that are in the pencil neck code. Things like not wearing ties in colors other than red and blue and never…_

_"And you said you'd lay off on the pencil neck comments," he adds. I guess I have to stop that train of thought._

_"See and I never said that," I answer. He shakes his head._

_"Wishful thinking then," he scoffs._

_"You really shouldn't waste your wishes on such futile things. Focus on attainable things like getting a new calculator or avoiding zoos for at least the next month," I suggest. Sean clears his throat then and I'm drawn out of my bubble and away from Edward. I make the mistake of meeting Hannah's eyes and cower away from the daggers there._

_Sean places a firm hand on the back of my neck making me feel locked in place; not a nice feeling._

_"So, Hannah, what do you do?" he asks. This should be interesting. Let's see if she spits fire out her mouth. I watch in amazement as her eyes soften and she actually smiles. Smiles!_

_"I'm actually a divorce attorney," she answers smoothly._

_"That's optimistic," I mutter. Once again all eyes are on me. Damn. Why can't I keep my mouth shut?_

_"I actually find that helping people when they are at their lowest is very fulfilling," Hannah rattles off the answer like she almost believes it. I smile tightly and force my word vomit down._

_"And you Sean? How do you fit into this whole mess?" Hannah asks. Why are they so comfortable with this lame back and forth? I want to escape, but Sean is still holding me in place. Not ok._

_"I was Izzy's doctor when Edward brought her in the other day," he answers. Oh no. I watch Hannah transform before my eyes and turn her wrath on Edward. Granted this wrath is simply a perfectly shaped and lifted eyebrow._

_"Really? I didn't hear about that," she states. So much venom in those words. And suddenly I can't take it anymore. The music in the background takes over and I pull myself away from Sean and towards the large space in the center of the floor. I reach for my full glass of wine, but don't look back._

***

I watch Bella's retreating back and try to ignore the hole Hannah's burning into my face. Shit. Honestly, I don't even care that Hannah's probably gonna tear me a new asshole when we get home later. Doctor fucking Dickhead licked hummus off of Bella's lips and now he doesn't even have the courtesy to follow her to the dance floor.

Whatever the dance floor is. A bunch of people are just gathered around in a circle clapping and singing. Well, mostly men. My eyes are stuck on Bella who has joined the circle now and is laughing and clapping along.

And even though she looks like she's having a good time, she's standing there by herself. Because she couldn't deal with the nonsense at this table. The awkwardness of this situation is so thick it's nauseating. And it's all my fault. All my stupid, jealous fault. What was I thinking suggesting a double date? I knew better.

But I couldn't stand the thought of Bella out on a date with this guy. Watching him touch her and lick her made me want to lift the… pikilia? The plate that the pikilia was on and smash it over his head.

Hannah is alternating between picking at her salad distastefully, chatting with Doctor Dick, and shooting me death glares. But I've lost my appetite and I can't bring myself to care.

"Don't you think you should go get Izzy?" I finally ask him, interrupting his conversation with Hannah, because Bella's glass has been refilled at least four times already and the men around her are starting to like her more and more.

He shrugs at me. "I don't dance."

Did I ask him to dance with her? I know I didn't ask him to dance with her.

I reach for my glass of wine and Hannah slaps my hand. "Edward loses control rather quickly when he drinks," she tells Sean, who snorts.

And I've had just about enough.

I push away from the table and start standing. "Edward," Hannah says sharply. "Sit down."

I stand anyway. Liberating, I know.

"You guys seem to be okay over here," I say and lift my glass from the table. "I'm gonna go keep Bell… Izzy company. She's by herself."

"She's not alone," Hannah says tightly. "Look at all of those men." Yes, look at all of those men. I can't stand watching it anymore.

I sip my wine and then look down at my glass. It's almost empty. I reach for the bottle and I hear Hannah almost protest but I shoot her a look.

"Edward, sit down," she tries again.

I roll my eyes. "For god's sake, Hannah. She's my friend. Get over it," I tell her and walk away from the table.

My steps to Bella are quick, I don't really care who sees me. And soon I'm at her side—the right side of my chest pressing lightly into her back. The look I shoot everyone around her seems to do its job.

She turns and looks up at me and smiles. "Edddwardd, hey love, you gonna dance with us?" she asks. Her cheeks are red from the wine but the smile in her eyes and on her face is impossible to resist.

"I figured I'd keep you company," I say and put my hand on the small of her back to steady her when she sways slightly. "But I only dance after at least five drinks."

"So catch up. These really nice men will get you some."

I lift my glass so that she can see that it's full. "I'll let you know when I'm ready for a refill."

She nods, appeased momentarily.

I slip my hand into my pocket but she shoots me a look and I pull it out. "No ring tonight, love. If you need to hold onto something, I can lend you my hand." I smile and reach for her hand. "Buuutttt, you can't keep it. I need it later."

All sorts of really perverted images come to mind… some of them aren't very pleasant. Some of them involve Doctor Dick and her… yeah. Never mind. Stopping.

"Are you taking him home with you?" I ask before I can stop myself.

Her eyes narrow in confusion. "Who? One of the nice men filling my glass?"

I laugh slightly and shake my head. The laugh is only partly because she's adorable. The other part of the laugh is just because I need to do something so that I won't kill anybody. I don't want her to take anybody home with her.

"No," I say and motion my head towards our table. "Sean. Are you taking Sean home with you?"

"The good doctor?" she asks and then shakes her head. "I don't think so. He left already."

I laugh again, this time loudly and fully amused. "He's still at the table."

"Huh, there's my wishful thinking then. I think he WANTS to take me home, but his hands are cold—I don't like them," she says. Thank god. Thank you, thank you, thank you. I wouldn't have been able to sleep at all tonight.

I need to stop.

"Plus," she continues in a whisper, "I don't want him to be 23."

Huh?

"23?" I ask and her hand flies up to cover her mouth, eyes wide. "Bella, what's 23 mean?"

"I like it when you call me Bella, but I don't let anyone call me Bella," she says instead of answering.

I just smile indulgently at her. I like being the only person that calls her Bella, but it's not my drunken confession hour. I already had mine.

"Tell me what 23 is," I try again and tug on a piece of her hair.

She sighs and rolls her eyes at me like I'm slow for not understanding this. "23, like after 22, before 24… I hope there's never a 30… too many…" her voice trails off and I narrow my eyes.

"Too many what?"

"Ugh, too many questions, too many tears… not my fault," she mumbles and there's that sadness again—the one from the toy store. I hate seeing that on her face. Bella's face isn't supposed to be sad, ever.

And then she looks me in the eye again and her face brightens up. "Dance with me love, please?"

And there's no possible way I can even consider denying her with the way she's staring up at me through her slightly unfocused but big brown eyes. I'm about to say yes when I feel a vibration in my pocket. I reach in and pull my phone out. Bella sighs, obviously frustrated, but I check it anyway.

Hannah. A text message of course. _I left. I'm sleeping at Jessica's tonight. Don't bother contacting me. _

I sigh and reach into my pocket for the ring but Bella stomps her foot and gets there first, pulling the ring out with a victorious look on her face.

"Nope. Sorry. I'm gonna hold this prisoner. No more keeping it in," she says and then slips it onto her finger.

I watch, slightly fascinated and slightly terrified as she admires it on her finger. And I can't help but sort of like the way it looks on her. "Hannah and Doctor Dick left," I tell her, because I don't mind if I don't have the ring if I have her.

"Yeah? Oh well, I don't like people who don't like Greek food," she tells me.

And I wish that everything were that simple. I wish everything could be that black and white. I'm gonna have to deal with hell whenever Hannah decides to come home. But I don't even care right now.

"Bella?" I wait until she's paying attention to me to speak again. "I'm sorry about how awkward tonight was. And about Hannah."

"Buy me a record and we'll call it even," she says.

And I can't fight the urge anymore. I wrap my arms around her and pull her tightly against my chest. She wraps her arms around my waist and squeezes back. And this is just… perfect. I haven't felt this good in so long. I haven't had a hug in so long.

I rest my cheek on the top of her head and we just stand there for a few moments. I turn my face and press a kiss to the top of her head. "Let's get you home," I say and take her hand, the one that's wearing my ring, and guide her to the door.

***

_Everything is too loud, I open one eye, and bright. I bury my face in m pillow and groan. It's days like these I am glad I can call out of work without worry. I run my tongue over my teeth trying to determine what my undoing was. It tastes like Hummus and wine?_

_Suddenly a groan seems like way too little. Good lord, the food, the good doctor, Godzilla bitch, it was real. Then it gets hazy after the table scene, but I remember dancing and more wine and then Edward._

_I flip over on my back and try to run my hands through my hair. My left hand snags and I wince. I pull it away and freeze when the light reflects off the problem. Please lord let me not have been stupid enough to have done this. I wince my eyes shut and then it hits me. I live in New York not Vegas._

_Opening my eyes slowly and taking in the ring the tarnished metal stands out, worn out by a certain thumbs over use. I stole his ring. I am the devil. This may be worse than stealing candy from a baby._

_I quickly pull the ring from my finger and place it on my on my dresser before panicking that it might get lost and slipping it back on my finger. That's probably the only place I won't lose it._

_Before I can sink back into my bed I throw my legs over the side and force myself to get up. I push my way out of my door in desperate need of water to clean out my mouth. Somehow the kitchen is brighter than my room and I raise my hand to shield my eyes. Bad idea._

_"Woooaahhhh," Emmett whistles. Please no._

_"Something you want to tell me Iz?" he asks. I try my best to glare at him without furthering the pounding in my head. I snap my hand down and wrap my fingers protectively around the ring._

_"It's not what you think," I mutter moving around Emmett to the fridge. He continues to do what he considers cooking, which is using a toaster to make a pop tart._

_"Really? So you weren't dragged in here last night by a man you claim is nothing more than a friend and now you are wearing something that looks a lot like an engagement ring?" He asks. Damn him._

_"So maybe it is what it looks like. But Edward and I are not engaged," I clarify. Emmett rolls his eyes._

_"Doll, the last thing I am worried about is you hurrying into a marriage. I was more curious about the guy who brought you back and who you just willingly used his name in the same sentence as engaged," he laughs. I growl at him and unscrew the lid to my water._

_"Edward and I are just friends. He has a girlfriend and I am currently not terrorizing men," I inform him. Emmett laughs and it echoes in my head, but I don't mind so much. I love his laugh._

_"Good to know you are leaving us men alone," Emmett replies. Silence settles in, but it's so much different than last night. It's comfortable and almost soothing._

_"But you are wearing a ring and I'm guessing it's not yours, so maybe someone is missing it?" he adds. Holy hell, I have Edward's ring. The reality of it settles in and I scramble towards my room and my answering machine. I fast forward my mother's nasal whining and then I hear him._

_"Hey, Bella... it's Edward. umm I just wanted to apologize again for Hannah last night... and for not being able to stay with you. Anyway, give me a call when you wake up... or whenever you want... hope you're feeling okay."_

_And now I'm rubbing the damn ring._


	10. Chapter 10

A/N This is sooner than we planned on posting, but think of it as a reward for those of you who reviewed. Seriously it can't be said enough that they can really change the whole day for us, so thanks :) Keep them coming we're making a collection so the more the merrier. Again off-the-deep-end rules all betas!

***

"_Everyone say thank you to Ms. Swan and Ms. Weber."_

_A chorus of voices comes back at us and I have to bite my lip to keep my eyes from watering. Angela and I wave as we back out of the classroom. This is why I do what I do. The fundraiser and all of our hard work had paid off and today was the first day of music classes at Meeker elementary. Angela and I stayed most of the day watching the children stream in and out of the room, their eyes wide with awe when they were handed the small bongo drums or the tambourines._

_It was selfish really, making them squirm under the eyes of two obvious strangers, but every once in awhile you need that boost, that reminder because now it starts all over again and when you are hung up on for the twentieth time in an afternoon you need this moment to draw from._

_I let my hand run along the walls, everything suited for people under four feet tall. It was an odd surprise when I ran to the bathroom to find that I could almost see over the stalls sitting down. No one had told me I could use the faculty bathroom. I think I only mildly scarred the small girl who thought there was a giant in her bathroom._

"_We'll need to have another fundraiser soon. They need a piano," Angela sighs. I bite my lip. Getting the program reinstated was only the first step, now we had to try to set up continuous funding. My hand finds its way into my pocket and my thumb swipes over the top of the ring. I can see why Edward is so attached to this thing. It definitely seems to release stress, or that could just be letting my mind wander to him._

"_Something small, maybe an open mic night at the Rambler?" I suggest. Angela nods and smiles at a passing teacher. I keep her around for this reason, to keep my ass in line. I would be on a constant high from our few successes if she didn't always bring me back to reality and push me, us, to do more._

_I push on the doors and when we step outside a little of the weight is lifted. I slip my sunglasses back over my eyes and turn to grin at Angela. The sun is out which means we get an early out. It's an understanding between us. A day like this we render us useless in the office, so we scrap it in favor or much needed rest._

"_What are you going to do with the rest of the day?" Angela asks as we head to the subway. I glance at her and chew the inside of my cheek._

"_I dunno. I should probably get some laundry done and Lord knows I need to get to the store before the only thing I have to eat is officially pop tarts," I ramble. Angela scoffs and raises an eye brow at me. Maybe it didn't sound so believable. I'm survived on pop tarts for weeks before without complaint. The strawberry ones are my favorite._

"_Like hell you're going to do laundry. You're going to chase after that accountant from Stein and Meyer," she states. I allow my jaw to drop in mock shock. I thought I was being more subtle about my…interactions…with Edward. But who am I kidding; subtlety has never been my thing. My hand goes into my pocket again and damn if this thing isn't addictive._

"_I was thinking about heading over to their office, but only to drop off the check," I argue. Angela laughs and shoves me a little. I stumble and almost fall into the street, but she grabs my arms at the last moment and pulls me back up._

"_So when are you going to cave and admit that you want to make him number 23?" she teases. This time I can't fake the widening of my eyes. Edward will never be… I would never let… just, no. I swallow thickly and press my thumb even more firmly into the stone in my pocket. I wince when I hit a sharp edge._

_I withdraw my hand from my pocket and insert my thumb into my mouth. The pain eases and I pull it back out watching as the blood oozes slowly to the surface. Obviously this thing has an evil streak._

"_How the hell did you manage to cut your self in your own pocket? What do you have in there? Needles?" Angela mutters. She pulls my bag from my shoulder and digs through looking for my ever present fix-up-Bella kit. She retrieves the kit and pulls out the band-aid of the month, Mr. Bump._

_I extend my thumb willingly and she wraps the band aid around it and then places her hands on her hips, giving me her look. Uh-oh._

"_You can't avoid the question by purposefully hurting yourself. Confession right now Izzy. You and Edward, what's the deal?" she demands. I can't really deny the woman who just fixed my wound. I mean I gave the good doctor a date for his efforts. Angela's demands are actually a lot harder._

"_We're friends Ang, that's it. He has a girlfriend and we just like to escape reality together. That's it really," I sigh. My teeth find my lip again as I meet her eyes. There is doubt laced through them._

"_Friends? So just like you, Jake and I," she presses. I nod enthusiastically. Maybe this will be easier than I thought._

"_So you usually check your machine three or four times a night to see if Jake and I called?" she asks. Wait, how did she know….._

"_And when you're going to meet us you try three different flavors of gloss trying to find the best taste?" This is not leading to a good place for me._

"_And then you chew the inside of your cheek when you think we might call?"_

_Good lord. Has she been stalking me?_

"_Yep, all of you give me butterflies and make me think about white dresses and picket fences," I reply with a grin. This time Angela's mouth drops open._

"_You admit it!" she yells and several people around us turn and stare. I grab her arm and being pulling her towards down the street and away from all the gawkers._

"_No Ang, I was joking. I'm serious though. Just friends," I plead. She rolls her eyes but finally relents and nods. I exhale deeply and push through the turnstiles. The last thing I need is someone else questioning what the hell is going on between Edward and I. I am doing that more than enough. I reach for my pocket again and chuckle when my band aid snags. And now I can't even properly enjoy his favorite release. _

***

I can't read anything without reading the end first—not newspaper articles, not short stories, not biographies, and not books. When I was in school, I always used to read the end of the chapters in my history textbooks. In college, I always flipped to the last page of an exam first and worked my way back to the beginning.

There's something safe about it, about the predictability of it all. See, if you know what's gonna happen, nothing can ever take you by surprise.

Granted, I know it's unrealistic. Life is unpredictable and can take you by surprise and blah blah blah. But if I can maintain even the smallest amount of control, there's a much lesser chance of anything _really_ bad ever happening again.

That might be what attracted to me this specific vocation. Aside from the fact that I've always been good at math, accounting is solid. Two plus two obviously never equals anything other than four. Nothing surprising ever happens. It's just solid, steady work.

Solid, steady work that I've never had a problem with before. If anything, it made me feel good. So I don't know what the fuck is going on with me today. Today I'm bored and I'm frustrated and this is the last fucking place that I want to be. I don't want this desk and I don't want fucking Lenora who sits next to me listening to the same songs on the radio all day long.

And I especially don't want this chair. Kara took my chair before I got here this morning and replaced it with this hard fucking piece of plastic. I loved my chair. But her sciatica was "acting up" this morning. I almost told her that it's probably not sciatica, that that pain probably has more to do with the pencil sharpener she has stuffed up her ass. But then I caught myself.

I rub my face and sigh. I need to get out of here. I need to breathe.

I stand up and start walking towards the door.

"Edward."

I sigh and slump my shoulders and I hate the fucking click click click her heels make and the sound of her fucking voice.

I turn around after I take a deep breath. "Yes, Kara?"

She looks down at her watch and then back up at me. I've always wondered if those bras, the ones that push _everything_ up, are as uncomfortable as they look. It always makes me think of how uncomfortable push up underwear would be… for guys.

"Haven't you already taken your lunch break?" she asks. Click click click.

I slip my hand into my pocket and… nope, no ring. No ring and no Bella's hand. Fuck me.

"I'm going to meet a client," I tell her, the lie sliding out easily. "I'll be back as fast as I can."

And then I just spin around on my heels and walk out.

***

_I look up at the tall building and almost turn right back around. I don't like this part of town. Too many people walking too fast, with their phones pressed against their ears, oblivious to anything around them. Like robots almost. I fight back the chills._

_The tiny bulge in my pocket urges me forward and I enter the building and feel like a lost child. I make my way to the directory and scan my finger down it looking for the familiar name. I smile when I find it, 12__th__ floor. I tap my foot along to the horrible elevator music and grin at the stiff man who keeps throwing me glances. I'm just glad that I am only a visitor._

_The doors slide open and I walk slowly into the unknown world of the pencil neck. The office is sparse and rigid, a place that noon would want to linger in. I smile when I glance over the generic artwork and magazines, like a doctors office but worse._

"_Can I help you sweetie?" I glance up at the matronly woman behind the desk, she smiles at me and I feel a little stiff. I smile back openly and make my way towards her. _

"_I hope so, I was hoping to speak with Edward Cullen," I answer. Her eyes light up a little and her lips curve even further upwards. She leans back in her chair, almost appraising me. I fidget under her gaze. I should have just dropped the check and the ring in the mail._

"_He's stepped out for a quick minute, but if you want to wait…." She offers. I look over at the waiting room. No thanks._

"_That's ok I guess. I just needed to drop off my companies payment and something he left," I state. I watch the old woman's face fall and I wonder what I said could have caused that reaction. I'm just about to apologize when…._

"_There is no need to wait to drop off a check, I would be more than happy to take it off your hands." The voice is high and irritating. I turn slowly and take in the woman behind me. Everything is pushed and piled into place, and there is nothing natural about that. I clutch my check towards my chest._

"_I think I should make sure Mr. Cullen gets it. It is after all for his services," I reply adding a cold smile. The plastic woman moves closer to me, but I refuse to back down. Her face stretches into what I suppose might be a smile, but the skin on her face is so tight I can't be sure. _

"_It all goes to the same place I promise and if he had to personally accept checks from every starry eyed client he wouldn't ever get any work done," she sneers. Awful woman. Talking to me like one of many streaming through these doors. _

"_As sweet as your offer is I am sure that you have something much more important to be doing that collecting on Mr. Cullen's accounts. Unless you are his assistant?" I press. Her eyes narrow and I know I hit a nerve. That's right. I have claws. I eye her slowly and feel bad for Edward. I can only imagine how this kind of insecurity manifests itself on a daily basis. _

"_Nothing of the sort. I am actually his superior," she spits. The forgotten old woman behind the desk scoffs._

"_By three lousy months," she mutters and I turn to smile at her. I guess there is someone on Edward's team. I turn back to the plastic woman and smile._

"_Then I won't keep you," I state. I keep her stare as she storms back into the office. I can't help but smirk. I hate woman like her, who think that having a push- up bra and a degree make them better than everyone else._

"_I wish I could have gotten that on tape. No one ever puts that awful witch in her place." I glance at the nameplate next to the woman behind the desk; Violet. I smile widely at her and place the check on the counter. _

"_She seems truly awful," I reply. She nods her head and takes the check and slides it into a folder._

"_So you know our Edward," she begins. I nod and shuffle my feet. I reach into my pocket and pull the ring into my fist. _

"_Yeah he had the unfortunate luck of having to deal with my mess of finances," I answer. That would be the nice way of saying it. I'm sure dealing with guitar cases and He-Man lunch boxes isn't exactly in the job description at this place. But, maybe that's a good thing?_

"_I'm sure it wasn't nearly as bad as you make it sound," Violet soothes. I laugh because I know that's not true. She smiles up at me from the desk and I want to walk around the desk and make her wrap her arms around me. She looks like the type that would and I've been missing a mother figure in my life for well, my whole life._

"_Regardless he really did a fantastic job. You'll tell that to someone who can pat him on the back?" I request. She nods. I press my fist to the counter and uncurl it slowly revealing the ring in all its tarnished glory. I pull my hand back slowly and just stare at it. I'm really sad to see it go actually. It was nice company, made me feel close to something, someone._

"_And, he, um left that and I wanted to return it. I'm sure he has missed it," I breathe. Violet eyes the ring and then me. I smile shakily and turn from the desk. _

"_I'm sure he'll be back any second, if you could just wait," Violet states. I glance back at her and smile slowly. I had come here to see him, wanting to see him. Hell, most of our bills are paid online and Angela had to dig for an hour just to find an actual check from the company account. It's been two days and I wonder if drunken me said or did something that kept him away._

"_That's ok, I don't want to be in the way. Just make sure he gets that?" I ask. I swallow and force my feet forward. Suddenly my black skirt and white V-neck feel underdressed and I wonder if I will every feel as grown up as these offices obviously are. _

_I press the button for the elevator and smile when the tiny space is empty. Good, this way I can dance all I want to the elevator music._

***

You know how in movies they'll show a married couple that have lost any and all passion that they used to have? And you know how in those movies they always have at least one scene where this couple is in bed, having sex, and it's awkward and passionless and the woman is almost always wearing at least a bra? And you know how you'll be sitting there, watching that scene, cringing from how completely awkward it is and you think to yourself, "That will never ever be me"?

I used to feel that way. I used to watch those scenes and I fucking _knew_ that I would never let any relationship get that boring. There were a lot of things that I overestimated about myself when I was younger. I had a really inflated self-image.

Because here I am with Hannah lying beneath me wearing her "work" bra—the plain beige one that never shows beneath white shirts. The one that I hate.

I lean down and press my lips against hers and continue thrusting slowly in and out of her.

When we first got together, Hannah used to wrap her legs around my waist and meet me thrust for thrust. She used to act like she actually wanted to have sex with me—she actually used to initiate it. I never had to beg. But we haven't had sex in months and I needed to stick my dick inside of something other than my hand.

Especially after this fucking day.

As if the first half wasn't bad enough. I went back to the office and Violet started badgering me about Bella, and the ring Bella dropped off, and Bella. Bella who I haven't seen in two days.

And it sucks. This just sucks. It sucks that while I'm fucking the woman that I bought an engagement ring for, I'm thinking about purple toenails and big sparkly brown eyes. It sucks that this woman beneath me is just laying there, just barely more alive than a corpse.

I speed the movement of my hips up, grunting as I feel my orgasm building. I wish I could say that I was concerned with Hannah and her orgasm. But after trying so hard so many different times, I've just given up on that.

I cum finally and roll off of her and onto my back. I stare up at the ceiling. The lights are still on and they're harsh and they hurt my eyes. I take a few deep breaths to calm my racing heart and once the euphoria from my orgasm subsides, a nice combination of disgust and longing settle inside of me.

Hannah slips out of bed and into the bathroom. I hear the shower running as she washes me off of her and then she shuts all of the lights off before getting back into bed.

She curls up on her side, back facing me, and grabs her phone to answer an e-mail.

"Goodnight," I whisper, but I doubt I'll get much sleep tonight.

***

_I try to balance the bags in my arms and find my keys in the endless abyss that is my purse. I really should try to downsize, make my life easier. I find the keys and in my attempt to celebrate my victory I drop three of my bags. Damn. I look down at the strewn produce and purse my lips. I'm pretty sure that isn't going to make of it taste better._

_I let my purse slide from my shoulder and fall to my knees, picking up the scattered food. I grab the last orange and hear laughing from inside my apartment. Ugh. The last thing I need is for Emmett to be having some kind of gathering. As much as I love him, the people he hangs with, apart from me, are skeesy. And the next morning I am usually left to pick up the beer cans and scattered bras. Yes there is usually more than one. _

_My eyes slide closed and I try to mentally prepare myself to enter. I can be enchanting, entertaining Izzy. I can, even though I just want to curl up in my bed. The key clicks into place and I force a smile before pushing the door open._

_The apartment is oddly quiet and missing the dirty music that usually accompanies Emmett's get-togethers. I reach down and slide my bags into the apartment and slide the door shut. Maybe I was wrong._

"_Izzy!" He draws my name out making it sound like a song rather than a greeting. I wave a hand, but keep on my path to the kitchen. I do not want a repeat of the hallway. _

_I reach the counter and let the bags sprawl across the small space. For a moment I let myself relax, resting my head on my crossed arms on top of the counter. The cool surface calming me even further. The day wasn't bad, but comfort is always welcome in my world. And growing up with my mother as my best bud rather than my solace has left me to seek my comfort in odd places._

_The groceries around me begin to move and I'm not tired enough to think they're moving on their own._

"_I got it Em, don't worry about it," I say not lifting my head. A chuckle envelopes me, but it doesn't sound like a bear. I straighten and my eyes meet Edward. He smiles softly at me and opens several cupboards obviously looking for a place to put the bread. _

_My mouth opens, but nothing comes out. I'm pretty sure he shouldn't be here right now._

"_Sit down I'll take care of this," he instructs me. I fall onto a ball stool, but mostly out of sheer disbelief. He bumps his way around the kitchen clearly confused by Emmett's crazed sense organization, which I have yet to decipher. _

"_Were you out of common chores at your place so you decided to come find some here?" I ask. I rest my cheek on my hand and continue to watch him. His back is to me, but I can see his shoulders rise and fall with a heavy sigh._

"_Would it be okay if I say that I missed you?"_

_His words knock all sense out of me. His back is still to me, but his words have filled the room, filling the space with possibility. I swallow several times and force myself to think._

"_What you missed my drunken antics and sarcastic humor?"_

_That's me using humor as a defense mechanism. Makes thing easier, keeps the ball in my court and that's the only way I play. I watch some of the tension from his shoulder falls away as he chuckles and finally turns back to me._

"_Amongst other things," he smiles. _

_I can't help but smile back even thought I know I'm tired and my effort is no doubt lopsided. Somehow I know Edward doesn't mind and that makes me want to pull him to my room and use him as a teddy bear. But, I'm not sure I even know how to cuddle so I'll keep that urge to myself. Maybe Buzz can teach me._


	11. Chapter 11

A/N- Can I just say that the reviews for this last chapter blew us away?!?! Seriously you all are amazing. So now for some answers.....

Hannah is a necessary evil. If things were all easy and peachy from the get go what fun would that be? BUT we do agree that she is horrid and know that we both loathe her. So that should tell you something....

As for the appearance of any other twilight characters....there will be a few more cullen siblings to appear but as to why and where, lips sealed. We have to keep you reading somehow.

Lastly there was a little confusion on the timing of this all and hopefully Edward will clear that up right at the beginning of this one :)

So keep rocking the reviews and we'll keep sending more your way. Even trade yes? As always off-the-deep-end keeps our terrible grammar in check, our hero! Now on to the good stuff!!

***

I'm not sure what was going through my head. But I couldn't sleep. So when I heard Hannah's breathing get heavy, I rolled out of bed and went into the storage room. And I sat down with my guitar and The Smiths on vinyl and stared at the stupid ring. And all I could think about was the fact that Bella had my ring today. And she had it yesterday. If I looked closely enough maybe I could find her fingerprint on it.

And thinking about her fingerprint made me think about her hand. And I wanted to hold it so badly. I wanted to hear her call me a Pencil Neck and I wanted to hear her laugh and I realized she was the only person that could salvage this horrible day. Not the record player, not the guitar that I don't play… nothing. Just her.

So I went.

I didn't even consider the fact that she might not be home. It didn't even cross my mind. I did consider, for all of twenty seconds, that she might be entertaining Doctor Dick. But then I just hoped I'd interrupt it.

"All done," I tell her when I've finished putting away the last of the groceries.

She didn't even realize I was sitting with Emmett when she walked in. She just barreled through the door with a million bags in her arms and walked straight into the kitchen.

"Congratulations. You've filled your community service for the day," she says.

I feel the slow smile and lean on the bar next to the sink across from her. "Do you want me to make you some tea or something?" I ask because she looks… tired? Uncomfortable? I hope I'm not making her uncomfortable by being here.

She shakes her head at me. "I'm sorry, this is all a little surreal," she says and I feel my heart drop. She doesn't want me here. "I mean, I come home and you're here, which is fine—you can come any time you want, but now you're putting things away and trying to make me tea. Are you okay?"

No. Not really… not at all actually. But I'd be lying if I said that it didn't just feel so good, so relieving that she asked. That by asking, she's already improved my mood.

I slip my hand into my pocket and she sighs. "I just… I had a rough day," I finally say quietly.

She nods once. "The kind you want to talk about or the kind you came here to forget?"

"Neither," I say slowly, shaking my head. "Just the kind that I wanted to make better."

She just stares at me and I know she understands. Even more so, I know she won't press me for details. I'm not ready to give details.

"You came by the office today," I blurt out, wanting to change the subject, wanting to hear what she thought of it. Although, I'm sure I already know her opinion.

"Mmmm, I did. I entered the realm of pencil necks and lived to tell."

I shake my head and chuckle. "I'm sorry I missed that. Violet liked you."

Violet gave me a huge talk about not letting a good opportunity pass me by, but I'm not about to mention that.

"I liked her," she says and then her smile turns into something that looks like disgust. "I wish I could say as much for that horrid woman you work with, the one with the push-up bra? She was awful."

I narrow my eyes. "Did she say something to you?" I ask and press my thumb into the diamond. I don't know how I can ever plan to give this ring to anyone after the damage I've inflicted on it and myself, especially Hannah. Maybe I'm just fucked up. Maybe I never intended to give it in the first place.

She laughs and a little more of the events of today roll off of me. "Nothing that couldn't be brushed off. She may be awful, but I sure as hell wasn't scared of her. I mean, she's an overgrown blow up doll."

And then I laugh. And laugh. And laugh. Because how true is that? And my little Bella stood up to her and I can't. I laugh until I can't breathe anymore. My Bella? What the fuck is wrong with me?

"I was thinking um… maybe we could watch a movie?" I ask.

"I think I can handle that, but you'll have to settle for my bed rather than the couch. Emmett doesn't move after 6 o'clock."

Her bed. Could I settle for her bed? Is that supposed to be rhetorical?

"Yeah," I shrug and attempt nonchalance. "That's fine."

I follow her into her room and stop in the doorway. It's all her. The walls are painted a creamy, buttery yellow. I'm actually surprised that all four are the same color. That's the only thing in here that's got any semblance of uniformity. Nothing matches. There are random pieces of furniture, a variety of colorful rugs, and the quilt… the quilt on her bed is huge and just… crazy.

There are pictures everywhere. And there are books all over the floor and CDs piled up on her desk next to a humming laptop.

She turns around and stares at me and I just smile and shake my head. I like it. I like the lack of stupid, useless throw pillows. I like the mess. I like that it feels lived in. It feels like what home used to feel like.

"Well," I say finally and take another step in, "it certainly has character."

"That's a nice way of saying that it doesn't match and, therefore, is the stray dog that will never see the inside of a Williams Sonoma catalogue."

I shake my head and laugh. And then I walk over and sit down on her bed. Comfortable. For once.

***

_I'm trying to act like having Edward in my room is the most natural thing ever, but the truth is it's not. I don't let anyone into my room, ever. It's like this completely unspoken rule that Emmett never enters and anytime I have ended up back here with a date, well the couch has been christened several times._

_But this is my room, my sanctuary, a place where I make no excuses and no apologies. I never make my bed, never put away a book and I don't ever plan on turning my computer off. It's just the way it is. And now everything is turned upside down and sideways by a man sitting on my bed, not seeming to mind that last night's pajamas are strewn across the floor or that my retainer is sitting on the nightstand._

"_I know my computer isn't exactly Emmett's flat screen, but it does the job," I explain. He nods his answer as I began moving around the room gathering supplies. I toss a blanket from my chair onto his lap and throw my case of DVDs on the end of the bed. He can pick. I begin to rummage through my drawers when I notice that he hasn't moved. And here I thought I was giving him all these silent commands._

_Blanket= get comfortable_

_DVDs= pick a movie_

"_I, um, am going to change quickly, but pick something, I really don't care what," I tell him. His eyes don't deter from my face and I can feel the heat rising from the base of my cheeks. I lick my lips quickly and dart from the room. I need to cool down and fast._

_I slide into the bathroom and slip the day's work and clothes off before pulling on a huge pair of sweat and a ratty t-shirt. Once I have them on I wonder if I should be caring that he is about to see me at my absolute most unappealing. The butterflies try to resurrect themselves in my belly, but I kick them out again._

_It's better this way. What kind of trouble can I get myself into wearing this? Satisfied that my outfit will serve as the anti mood, I make my way back to my room. I slip back into the room to find Edward sprawled across the bed on his stomach, his head resting on his arms, with his eyes closed. I swear if he fell asleep on me…._

"_As long as we don't watch Titanic, you can choose," he mutters, his eyes still closed. His words make me freeze. I scowl at him even though I know he can't see me. Can't a girl just enjoy a good love story on a sinking ship?_

"_No, don't pass your job off on me. You wanted to watch a movie. You pick," I insist. I fight the urge to cross my arms and pout. It's late I can revert to being a child. I toss my clothes in the general direction of my closet floor and glance over at him on the bed. He's propped himself up on his elbows and in now diligently looking through the movies. A real insight into a person, what movies they own._

_None of those bullshit movies you name to look good in front of people when they ask what your favorites are. The real ones and I have no problem admitting I own Peter Pan and Mean Girls._

_I bite the inside of my cheek and lean against my dresser. His eyes brighten as he pulls a disc from the book. He holds it out to me._

"_Wedding Crashers."_

_I raise an eyebrow. Interesting. I reach over to my laptop and insert the disc. I wait for a bit for the humming to indicate that it's playing and then I pull it from my desk and into my arms. I shift my weight from foot to foot as I size up my bed. I have no idea what is the best, platonic way to approach this. Edward is sprawled over most of the right side so I guess I'll go left, or I could pull up a chair…_

"_Are you gonna come sit with me?" he asks. He scoots over slightly making a little more room for me. I guess that answers that. I climb into my bed and can't help the instant tension relief that occurs. I melt into the mattress and in turn into Edward's side. I can't help it if my mattress is old and not used to two people. The couch would have known what to do with us._

"_I don't know where to put this," I tell him. I glance over at him and he smirks back at me taking the computer from my hands and placing it at our feet. So much for using it as a barrier between us._

"_You act like you've never watched a movie in bed before," he teases softly. The movie has begun to play and the blue of the screen is dancing off his face. I roll my eyes and scoff._

"_I've watched a ton of movies in bed, I've just never had company before," I reply. That might have led him to think too many things that are true, but I avoid his face and keep my eyes on the screen. Just as the intro ends I feel my eyes droop a little. I lift my hand to rub away some of the sleep and Edward takes it in his. _

_He holds it close to his face examining my Mr. Bump band-aid. His eyes then dart from my thumb to my eyes and back._

"_You hurt yourself again?" he asks. I feel my forehead crease at his words. How do I tell him I was indulging in his favorite fix and paid the price?_

"_It's nothing. Just a little cut," I assure him, but he doesn't look appeased._

"_How?" It's a simple question, just one I really don't want to answer. I tug a little against his hold and pull my hand back towards me. I refocus on the screen at my feet._

"_I may have been using your ring, you know, to relieve stress?" _

_Why did that come out sounding dirty? There was nothing dirty about it; I mean Angela was there for crying out loud. His eyes narrow and he plucks my hand back._

"_You used my ring," he breathes, "And hurt yourself with it?" I'm pretty sure that's what I just said and yet he looks so guilty, ashamed about it. I use my trapped hand to turn his face towards mine._

"_Hey, it's not your fault. And it hardly bled," I insist not knowing if I am helping. The look of pain in his eyes doesn't leave. He turns his gaze away and back to the hand. I hold still as he slowly pulls off Mr. Bump and examines the small cut across the pad of my thumb. _

_It looks even less significant now, hours after the bleeding and having been kept clean and safe by Mr. Bump. I just hope he can see that._

"_See? It's nothing. Hardly more than a paper cut and we can't be friends if you're going to get this upset over something silly like a paper cut," I tease softly. He nods slowly._

"_Bella, I'm sorry," he whispers. I don't get this. It's really nothing and it's starting to make me mad. I pull my hand away and glare at him._

"_Nope. Not accepting an apology for something so stupid. You have nothing to be sorry for. If anything I should be sorry for stealing it in the first place. Call the cut karma if you will," I reply. I shimmy back into my pillows and sigh. Heaven help him when I break a bone. I feel him settle in next to me and I try not to fidget with the heat of his body flowing steady towards me. And all I can think is that it feels nice._

***

She hurt herself because of me. Not directly, but because of me. I don't want people hurt because of me. Especially not people like Bella. This beautiful, beautiful person who calls me her friend. Me.

I take her hand in my lap and trace the pad of her thumb softly with my finger.

She doesn't get it. She doesn't get that that's who I am. Maybe it's just an innocent little scratch. But what if next time it's not just a scratch? What if she really gets hurt because of me? I wouldn't survive it. Not a second time around.

"Bella?" She turns and looks up at me. "Could you please…" my voice breaks and I take a moment to clear it. "Could you please just be careful?"

Her eyes narrow in confusion. "I can try, but you know me."

"I'm sorry," I say again, because I am.

She presses a finger to my lips and shakes her head, irritation glimmering in her eyes. "Nope. Don't say it again. Nothing to be forgiven. Got it?"

And I do. I believe her. Not because there's only a tiny scratch on her thumb. But because it's okay. Because she makes things okay. She looks up at me with her big brown eyes, and she makes me okay.

I tilt my head down until my face is closer to hers. Her eyes widen marginally but I can't stop now. Not with the smell of coconuts infiltrating my brain, not when she's staring up at me like that. So I close the space between us and cover her lips with mine.

She breathes a tiny gasp into my mouth but I've lost every ounce of sense that I've ever had. I take her upper lip in between mine and I kiss her. Her tiny hand squeezes mine and then she's kissing me back.

And I know that coming here tonight was the best idea that I have ever had.

I move closer because I want to feel her. I want everything that is Bella to just seep into me. Her free hand trails slowly up my back and into my hair, pulling me closer. I cup her cheek with my hand and tilt my head before I slip my tongue out and taste her.

She gasps and pulls away almost immediately. "Edward," she says and shrinks away from me, taking her hand with her. "I, you, that, just no. You can't do that to me. You're not allowed. Just… what the hell, Edward?"

I watch, mildly horrified, as she scrambles off of the bed to stand against the wall with her hand buried in her hair.

I clear my throat. "I… Bella, I'm not going to apologize," I say softly. "Maybe I should but I won't."

She looks at me now, her eyes wide and incredulous. "Now you decide to keep the apologies to yourself? I don't even know what to say. What could I possibly say?" She asks and her voice is laced in a combination of anger and panic.

I look down at my lap wishing I was standing so I could stick my hand in my pocket to fucking scratch my own thumb raw. "Maybe… just maybe that it was something that we both needed? Maybe just that once."

"Don't say things like that," she snaps at me, and now I've officially pissed her off. "What ever happens once? Saying it like that makes it sound wrong, feel wrong."

My head snaps up so that I can look at her face. Does that mean… "You don't think it was wrong?"

"Good lord, Edward. I _know_ it was wrong. I just can't seem to make… I can't do this right now. I just can't. We're friends. That's it. You have your girlfriend and your ring and that's what you choose."

I trace a random blue swirl on her comforter. I feel like I should get up. I've made her uncomfortable—I crossed lines. But I don't want to get up. Because as much as I feel as if I should, I also feel like this is where I should be. And the latter is winning right now.

"What happens when that's not enough anymore?" I ask her quietly, not looking up, still tracing the blue line back and forth with the pad of my pointer finger.

"When what's not enough?" she asks, exasperated. "Your girlfriend and the ring in your pocket? I really don't know the answer to that. But I would hope that if you felt that way, you'd do something about it. And by something, I do not mean kissing me. That's the wrong order, the wrong everything."

She's right. Of course she's right. That doesn't make the situation any easier. That doesn't make me want to kiss her any less. Hope is a funny thing, you know. People like me; we get by day by day. Nothing ever changes. We have meaningless, passionless sex with women that have settled with us because we're the good, responsible, adult choice. We work jobs that suck but provide enough income to afford living.

And I was fine with all of it. I was fine with Hannah who oftentimes did things that I didn't like. Hannah who forced me to do things that I wasn't particularly fond of. Hannah who only polishes her toenails the same practical beige of her work bra.

I was okay with all of it.

And then Bella breezed in with her He-man lunch box and clumsiness and her happiness. And I realized how much I've been missing by settling.

I trace her name onto my pants with my finger and then look up at her. "Do you wanna start the movie now?"

***

_I'm a fairly intelligent person. I mean I have a bachelor's degree framed on the wall of my mother's house and yet I can't formulate an intelligent thought at the moment. I swallow and continue to practice my breathing techniques. _

_The last thing I should be doing is climbing back into my bed with this man. This man who moments ago sealed his lips over mine and made me forget for a moment that he wasn't mine to have. Made me forget what would happen if I were to actually give myself over to someone else, but reality peeked its head around quick enough._

_After my brief moment of incoherent insanity all I want is my bed. MY bed. If I had been somewhere else, anywhere else when this had happened I would have been able to walk away, but he's sitting on my sanity and I can't be bothered to try and find peace anywhere else._

_I slide under the covers and grip them tight up to my chest. Somewhere in the back of my mind it registers that the movie is still playing, but I can't pull myself from the fog I'm blanketed in. He shifts next to me, but is careful to not actually touch me._

_My bed starts to work its magic and I can feel valid thought returning to me. I press my cool hand to my own forehead and close my eyes. My mind is trying to grasp futilely at the memory, trying to store it for later, but I am determined to erase it, banish it with the butterflies._

_But I'm weak in the moment and I suddenly I am playing through every details. The feel of his lips and the hiss of his breath. I shake my head slightly and bury my face in my pillow._

_I haven't felt this way with just a kiss in so long. Years. Since the first time, number one. He was lovely. Everything was simple and sweet and exciting and then he took me to the prom. It wasn't even the dancing that forced that unfortunate end; lord knows he was an awful dancer. It was those three words. The three words I had never heard from another person in my life. _

_They had never been uttered when my mother tucked me into bed, she was hardly home at my bedtime and I often found refuge in my toys rather than her. And as I grew older I only heard them in the world of fiction, written in books, uttered in movies and they became taboo. _

_So when he pressed his lips to mine and whispered those words, everything stopped. My heart, my sanity, everything and I did the only thing I had been taught to. I left. I turn-tailed and ran, left everything that those words made me feel at his feet. And so I began this, the stream of nameless men. Giving them numbers made me feel less attached to what I was doing._

_And now? What the hell was I supposed to do now? Do with this man I have allowed in under the guise of friendship only to have him turn the tables on me? I know what I want to do. I want to run._

_But not now, not tonight._

"_Bella?" His voice breaks into my awful realization, but I can't answer him. I don't have answers for myself, much less him. He shifts in the absence of my reply._

"_I can leave if you want me to," he offers and my heart constricts. That is the last thing I want. I reach behind me and place my hand over his and just hold it there. Any more effort would require clarity and purpose and I have neither of those._

_Softly his hand touches my back and I melt back into the touch. For this moment I can forget he is the one causing all the problems. I can pretend that he is still just my friend and not the man twisting me inside out. His hand moves slowly rubbing up and down the length of my back and before I can begin to work anything else out I am given the gift of sleep and the darkness that goes with it._

***

The sun beating against my eyelids is what wakes me up. I don't actually open my eyes though. Because I'm not in my bed. Where the hell did I fall asleep?

Better yet, who the hell did I fall asleep with? Because Hannah doesn't cross the invisible line on our bed. Ever.

I open one eye slowly and… Bella.

And the events of last night come back to me. I'd be lying if I said that this didn't make me completely fucking ecstatic. Kissing Bella, hugging her, sleeping with her.

I also didn't go home. But dealing with Hannah will be worth it because of this. Because of this woman who's sleeping with a small smile on her face and her hand on my chest. I cover her hand with mine and rub it slowly.

"Bella?" I whisper, not wanting to frighten her. I push a piece of hair off of her face and try again. "Bella."

She groans and then mumbles something incoherent before she rolls over, away from me. I reach out and start scratching her back gently. Her shirt has ridden up in the back, exposing a smooth slice of skin that my fingers are twitching to touch. But I refrain.

"Bella." I scoot closer to her to whisper in her ear. Sleeping in bed with someone is quite possibly the most intimate act, aside from sex, that you can do really. I don't want her to be freaked out.

"Either I'm having a really horrible hangover hallucination, or you are actually in my bed."

My hand stops moving on her back. I try a chuckle to break the tension. "No, we didn't drink last night."

"And why does it sound like you think that is the better of the two options?" she asks and sits up, scooting away from me and starts rubbing her eyes furiously.

And how fucked up am I that I'm lying here with a really pissed off Bella, in her bed, and all I can think is how adorable she looks right now? Her hair is all messed up and her lips are a little swollen and that face she's staring me down with is just… well, fuck, she just looks really cute. So I smile at her. Wrong move because her face just gets even more pissed but I can't help myself.

"Because hallucinating is bad?" I offer.

"No, god, Edward, really? In what impossible corner of your mind do you think that I want to be that girl? The girl who sleeps in a bed with another woman's boyfriend?" She starts muttering under her breath and I guess now would be a good time to not smile. "I am so NOT that girl."

"I never said you were," I tell her quietly and sit up. I pull a pillow into my lap and stare down at it. "I just don't think it's as bad as you're making it out to be."

"How is it not as bad?" she snaps at me. "Are we not waking up together after you kissed me and didn't go home to your girlfriend last night? Is part of that not right?"

I clear my throat because well, when she puts it that way… I shake my head. "It's right but you're making it sound like something worse than what it was, Bella."

"Do you live on a different moral plane than I do? Don't make me say the word. Please don't."

The word? What word is she talking about? Is she going to kick me out? Shit. What is she talking about? And… oh. "Bella," I say quietly, "I don't think it's considered cheating if we didn't actually do anything."

"So now it was nothing. That makes it instantly better. That kissing me was nothing. Good lord." She pushes up off of the bed and starts pacing back and forth. This is all going really, really badly. A lot worse than I had expected it to. She trips over something on the floor and I move to grab her but she holds a hand up. "I think… I just… it would be best if you left."

Knowing something is coming doesn't make it any easier to swallow when it actually happens. I fully expected her to tell me to leave, but hearing the words out loud, coming out of her mouth, hurts a lot worse than I expected it to.

I nod and reach down, slipping my feet into my sneakers, before standing up. "Okay." I walk over to her where she's standing against the wall, staring down at the floor with her arms crossed over her chest. I reach out and tilt her head up until she's looking at me. "I'll leave. But I won't apologize. Not for any of it. Because it was so much more than nothing, Bella—it was everything. I'll call you later."

I lean in and place a soft, chaste kiss on her cheek and then walk away. She needs to think and I need to get home. Hopefully Hannah already left for work.


	12. Chapter 12

A/N- Once again those of you who reviewed....sour patch kids for all of you (a very high honor believe me). We LOVE the feedback, questions, frustrations, everything. Keep them coming......and we'll keep this coming. Deal? Sounds good.

If there is one thing you all have been clear about its this....you hate Hannah. And while we understand the hate (believe me if you knew the person who inspired the name...) we promise it will all make sense in the end and this..... is needed. Maybe not fun but needed :)

Once again the all matersul off-the-deep-end should be canonized for dealing with my lack of grammar/punctuation knowledge.

Feel free (please please) to let us know your thoughts on this. We want them, cleared out a space on the mantle just for all the reviews, so send them over :)

Enjoy!

***

If it were possible for me to go into work in wrinkled jeans and a sweatshirt, I would have just to avoid the inevitable disaster that's waiting for me on the other side of this door. Because I know that shit's gonna go from bad to worse and it's way too fucking early in the day for this.

I turn my key in the door and, with a heavy sigh, push it open.

A pot… or what I think is a pot falls to the floor. "Someone better have died," Hannah says and comes and stands in the doorway of the kitchen with her hands on her hips. "Or the office better have burned down."

I clear my throat and walk into the apartment. "I'm gonna be late for work."

She growls in protest and blocks my path. "I don't give a fuck what you're gonna be late for. Where were you?"

I sigh and shake my head. "I was out, Han. Leave it at that." I don't want to explain it to her partly because she won't understand and because I just don't want to share it with her. I don't want to tell her that I was with Bella. I don't want her to know about Bella period.

"Leave it at…" She narrows her eyes at me and then jabs me hard in the shoulder with her finger. "Leave what at what, _Ed_? Leave waking up to find my boyfriend gone at that? Oh, yeah, I guess that works."

I nod once at her. I can't deal with this right now. "Okay, good," I say and try to move around her but she grabs my wrist and squeezes it hard. God knows I'm an ass for thinking it would be that easy. Nothing is ever that easy with her. "I thought we just—"

"Where did you go?" she asks, drawing each word out slowly.

"Do you really want to know?"

"I wouldn't have asked—"

"Yes, you would have. I'm only asking you one more time," I tell her and shake my wrist free. "Do you really want to know?"

"I swear to god if you tell me you were with that trashy slut, Edward—"

"What?" I snap. "What are you going to do?" Her eyes flash. I've really pissed her off now. "And don't you dare call her a trashy slut. She's my friend."

I turn and walk away from her then. And as I'm walking towards the bedroom, I hear something slam hard into the wall. Whatever it is crashes and shatters. Like our relationship. Like this day. Like my life.

***

_I would like to personally thank whoever created Chai. This tiny piece of heaven is currently the only thing keeping me sane. That and the balled up sweatshirt I am currently using as a pillow on my desk. My desk that was Edward's desk….Moment officially ruined._

_I groan as I push myself away from the desk and move myself all my entourage of paperwork to the beanbag next to Angela's desk. I write off a few moments of complete nothingness to getting settled and then spread the papers out on the floor in front of me. My lip goes between my teeth as I scan over the number, projections for donations and estimates for the next event, but I can't focus._

_The phone rings yet again and I don't even attempt to answer it. I am allowed to ignore the phone I am the boss. And that sounds horrible even in my head._

"_Rebel Diamonds, this is Angela speaking."_

_Plus Angela sound much more professional on the phone that I do. I often forget we're at work an simply answering with a 'yeah?'. I lift my eyes to meet hers' and she gives me this pained look ad I try to disappear inside the beanbag. That look does not mean good things for me. That look means that she is currently relaying call number; I can't even remember how many at this point, from Edward._

"_She is actually um, with a client at the moment?" her voice falters at the end I know Edward won't buy that for a moment. So far today I have been indisposed, out of the office for a meeting and my favorite, in the bathroom. I don't blame Angela for the lame excuses. I shouldn't make her deal with this, my personal shit, but I just can't._

_I can't deal with hearing his voice and having him sound so devastated, or having him tell me again that what happened wasn't wrong. It sure as hell wasn't right. I know that my track record doesn't make me a saint, but I've never crossed that line before. And I hate myself for it._

_Even more than I hate myself for the actual act, I hate that I didn't hate it. That more his incessant calls are distracting me; the real distraction is the moment replaying in my mind followed immediately by internal scolding and berating._

"_Can't you just talk to him? He sounds worse than shit," Angela pleads. I clench my jaw and shake my head adamantly. _

"_Then at least tell him to just call your machine. I'm about to break down and drag you over there," Angela huffs. I pick at the seam of my white t-shirt and sigh. At least I don't have a cell. I can't even imagine what damage that would be reeking on me at this point._

"_I know this is awkward and you don't know how much I appreciate you doing this for me," I offer. I glance up at her and smile the best I can. She returns the smile, but I don't miss the concern in her eyes._

"_What the hell did he do anyways? I mean one day your in here all giddy about the zoo and everything else ridiculous the two of you do and now this? I mean he's Edward is he even capable of doing wrong by you?" she asks. I chuckle humorlessly. I'm not ready to say it out loud, maybe because then it will be real. It won't just be something in my mind, but it will be out there for everyone to know. And I don't want her to think that about him._

_I force myself to look back the papers and I attack them with the highlighter I am holding, not really caring if I am doing more harm than good. Angela thankfully lets it go and I reach for my iPod slipping the buds into my ears and doing my best trick of ignoring the world. I whirl my finger around on the wheel and find my favorite girl. Joni can be my solace today. The piano chords drown out most of my thought and I feel safe for a moment. _

_I pushed him away. He stayed and tried to make peace, but I ripped that away from him. I could have given him peace of mind, made him feel less like shit, but I didn't. Instead I laid it all out for him with the worst possible tones and intentions because that's the way my mind works. I want to find regret in my words, but I don't because they were true. As dirty and mean as they were they were true. _

_And I have to protect him from that. Protect him from thinking that I would be better than his girlfriend. Because as awful as Godzilla bitch is she probably isn't capable of doing what I would inevitable do to him. The things I am capable of._

_I slide my eyes closed and Joni is suddenly blocked by the face of a 17 year old boy with a tear streaked face and angry eyes. He had every right to be angry. I was less practiced then. I thought the best thing for him was to move on, but I showed him that the wrong way. I knew he would see me kissing his best friend on the soccer field. I wanted him to see it. I wanted him to hate me instead of the opposite. And it worked. It worked so perfectly that when he said his final words I knew he wouldn't think fondly on me in the future._

_That's the kind of damage I can do, the kind of thing I refuse to see happen to Edward. _

_Even with the ear buds in I can hear the phone ring again. I look up at Angela and her eyes plead with me to answer, but I stand and walk to the bathroom. I clutch the thick black marker in my hand and when I shut the door behind me I rip my t-shirt over my head and spread it out on the bathroom counter. I don't think much of the damage I am doing to my favorite shirt as I write out the letters on the front of it. _

_I gaze down on the words and feel satisfied. As I pull it back over my head the strong scent that identifies the marker overwhelms me for a moment. I walk back into the room just as Angela is stammering through another excuse. She looks up at me and her eyes widen for a moment._

"_She's not here," she states. I feel a small smile creep over my face. That was the point. I settle back into my chair and feel slightly better. I am doing him a favor. He just has to see that._

_The phone is placed back into its cradle and Angela sighs._

"_Dramatic much?" she asks. I look up at her innocently. She gestures to my shirt and I look down on the words like I didn't just put them there. 'I'm not here.' _

"_I just thought it would make everything easier for you," I explain. She cocks an eyebrow and shakes her head. _

"_Making things easier for me would be answering the damn phone and not ignoring the poor boy like a spoiled teenager," Angela all but hisses. This time my eyes widen and my mouth drops. She's right in a way. I haven't taken this approach since number one, when I was a spoiled teenager. I thought I had grown so much since then, put so much space between me and that moment, but I guess not._

"_I'll make sure he doesn't call here anymore Ang, I promise," I state. She shakes her head again like I missed the point. The silence crawls back between us and I glance at the clock. Lunch. Edward is predictable enough that this should be safe._

_I don't miss the glee in Angela's eyes as I grab the phone and dial the number._

"_Stein and Meyer, how can I direct you call?" I can picture the woman behind the desk and I smile thinking of her kind eyes._

"_Violet? It's Izzy Swan. I was wondering if you could pass a message on to Edward for me," I ask. _

"_Oh honey, you two have the worst timing!" If she only knew the half of it. "He just stepped out to grab lunch, but call back in ten and he'll be here."_

_I wince as I hear the eagerness in her voice._

"_No, I just need to you to give him a message please." I hope I sound desperate. It's how I feel._

"_Oh, ok sweetie if you're sure," she relents._

"_Tell him that we're all set here as far as accounting goes and he doesn't need to worry about following up or calling any more." I know it sounds harsh and my weak efforts to veil my real meaning probably aren't lost on her. _

"_Are you sure?" she asks softly. I nod even though she can't see me._

"_Yeah, thanks so much Violet." I slam the phone back down before her disappointment can change my mind. I raise my eyes and Angela is looking at me like I just called a hit out on the guy._

"_Don't say anything Ang, please. I'm going to take the rest of the day if that's ok," I whisper. She nods and I know she's probably relieved that me and my funk of a mood are leaving. I press the buds back into my ears and make my way to the door. This is even worst than the first time._

***

Here's what I know: desperation makes people do weird, crazy things. Like call somebody 28 times in one day. Another thing I've learned is that just because I went to sleep for a few hours, doesn't mean that any part of that shit storm that began yesterday has stopped at all. No. I just got a few hours of rest so that I could be more aware of how completely fucked up everything still is today.

I had to get out of the office for a few minutes. I couldn't focus on anything. All I could think about was Bella and Bella not answering my phone calls and how badly my fucking back hurts because I slept on the couch.

"God damn it," I snap when somebody bumps into me and I drop my coffee.

"Sorry," the girl says and smiles before walking away.

And you know, I wonder how often we actually mean it when we apologize. I think maybe that aside from I love you, I'm sorry is the second most important thing we can ever say. But just like with I love you, how often do we mean it and how often do we just say it out of habit?

There are things that I've done that I could never apologize enough for.

And I've told Hannah that I love her. And I do. There are different levels of love, I think. And I've grown to love her but… it's lacking. Something's just missing. And I didn't realize it until I kissed Bella.

I walk back into the office and Violet motions me over. I put the bag with her lunch down on her desk and lean in. Something's wrong.

"Aren't you eating?" she asks and pulls the container with her sandwich out.

"Not hungry."

"Well, come and sit down with me," she says but she doesn't meet my eyes.

I walk over and slide down until I'm on the floor. "What's up?"

"I have a message for you," she tells me quietly.

I feel the tiny flutter of hope as it begins to bloom in my chest. I look up. "From?"

"That nice girl, Izzy Swan," she says, and the flutter turns into a full fledged pounding. "She asked me to tell you that they're all set as far as accounting goes and that you don't need to worry about following up or calling anymore."

And all at once the pound and the flutter stop entirely. I think it's the stopping that hurts the most. The flutter is exciting. Maybe a little bit uncomfortable but it's there because of hope, and hope is just… it's exciting. But the stopping… the stopping means that it ended. It means that the hope died.

"Did she say anything else?" I finally manage to ask.

She looks down at me and the pity is strong in her eyes. "No, sweetheart, that's all she said."

I nod. "Thanks, Vi."

I lean my head back against the desk and close my eyes. "Edward?"

"Yeah?" I ask without opening my eyes.

"How's Hannah doing?" she asks but I don't answer her. She's not a fan of Hannah's and has told me on numerous occasions. She sighs. "Edward?"

"Yeah, Vi?"

"Have you ever been this upset when Hannah blows you off?" she asks softly.

I open my eyes and look up at her. I shake my head, no, because it never phased me before.

"Then, sweetheart, don't you think there might be something wrong?"

***

_More times in my life than I'd like to count I've heard that running from your problems doesn't solve anything. And while I agree that it is mostly good advice and something I can see myself saying to other people, sometimes it doesn't apply to me. I get that that's hypocritical, but I'm working for the greater good._

_I sit on the floor of Simon's backroom and divide the records in front of me into even piles based on year and then artist. The mundane task is keeping my mind occupied. I wiped the dust of the covers and took my time focusing on my breathing and the smell of the records._

_My mind wanders slightly as I wonder which is Edward's favorite, but I push the thought from my head by pulling another towering pile towards me._

"_You know I pay people to do that," Simon chides form the doorway. I force a grin and him and wrap my arms around the record I am currently holding. _

"_Like any of them would do it as well or treat these beauties better," I answer. Simon laughs and glances back into the store to make sure it's empty before coming more fully into the stockroom. He squats in front of me and forces me to meet his eyes. Not good._

"_Hey, what are you hiding from?" he asks. I bite the inside of my cheek and stand quickly taking a sorted pile of records with me. I push through the beads separating the stockroom from the sales floor and being putting away the records. I hear Simon sigh behind me, but I ignore it._

"_Is it number 23 then?" he guesses. I can't explain the emotions that well up inside of me at the thought of Edward having a number. I put the records down as to not take out my anger on them and turn to Simon._

"_He is not 23," I insist. Simon rears his head back in reaction to my words. I take a few shaky breaths and feel my knees shake under the weight of it all. Suddenly the even breaths I have been working so hard at all day begin to waver. I reach for the shelf next to me to hold myself up._

_Suddenly Simon's hesitant hand touches my shoulder._

"_Doll, what's going on with you?" His tone is even and calming. I turn my watering eyes up to him, but force the moisture to remain contained._

"_It's so fucked up Simon," I answer. He nods like he understands even though I know he doesn't. _

"_Whatever it is there is no way it's worth tears," he argues. I nod hurriedly and wipe at my eyes. I steel my jaw and force another smile._

"_It's just hard I guess, life," I offer. It's a generalization to say the least. I'm saved when someone wanders through the door and Simon is forced to do his job and ignore the nut job that is his surrogate daughter. I continue to put away the records and retreat back to the stockroom. _

_I sink back to the floor and resume my task. Even though I didn't tell Simon everything it feels good to admit that I'm not ok. Cause I'm not._

_The beads rustle again and I know Simon is back. I keep my eyes down and my hands busy._

"_But it is about a boy, a man?" he questions. I nod surely. Maybe he can just figure it out and I can just nod._

_He reaches down and stops my hand._

"_Did someone hurt you Iz?" His question is serious, but I can't help but laugh. Like Edward would ever hurt me. At least physically._

"_No, no, Simon, it's nothing like that," I reassure him. The panic in his eyes eases just a little._

"_You are always so careless about your relationships, so nonchalant, what's different?" he presses. And there lies the problem. It is different. It was already too much, I had already felt too much and that was all before his lips ever even met mine._

"_I made a mistake. I just don't want to hurt him," I try to explain; my eyes plead for him to understand without having to reveal more. He nods slowly knowing I don't want to say more. He eases away from me slowly and I feel relief._

"_You're mom has been calling here pretty regular lately," he says trying to change the subject. Fantastic, from my fault to its source. I groan loudly and Simon chuckles. I made the mistake of brining my mother to the shop on one of her infrequent visits and Simon would have made her list had it been up to her, but I had warned him before and made him swear he would resist. And yet that hasn't stopped her from calling her often under the guise of looking for me. And yet I know she isn't looking for me._

"_Oh yeah? Has she talked you into going out with her yet?" I ask. He rolls his eyes like I am exaggerating. There probably is a small amount of truth to his claim. It's been at least a month since I have indulged her and returned her calls, but that's not the longest I have gone._

"_I may have told her that I would force you to call the next time you came in," he admits. I gasp in mock horror._

"_Simon, why would you do such a thing?" I demand in mock anger. He laughs, but then hands me his cordless phone. I wince and being to dial the familiar number. Only Simon could make me do this._

_The phone rings several times and I find myself hoping for voicemail to pick up. At the last moment I hear my mother's voice and I cringe again._

"_Hello mother," I sigh._

"_Isabella Marie. You have better been dying in a dumpster for taking this long to call me back," she warns. I roll my eyes and scoff._

"_Things have been hectic. I'm sorry I didn't call." The response is emotionless and automatic. She begins to rattle on about the new drapes in the great room and the amazing man who sold her the latest car. I murmer appropriate responses and go back to organizing. This doesn't require me to be present._

"_Isabella!" I shake my head and reenter the conversation._

"_Yes?" I reply. _

"_What about you? Any new men in your life?" The question is innocent enough and I know there is no possible way that she could know anything about Edward, but I feel my defenses go up._

"_I don't have the stamina for that like you mother," I reply. I hear my mother gasp in shock. I don't have the energy to bullshit with her today._

"_Don't start in on me again young lady. I am your mother," she hisses. Good lord, this again. And yet I can't complain anger is a welcome break from the other shit I've been feeling today._

"_Genetically, maybe. Listen mother I am kind of busy. Can we do this later?" I ask. I hear mumble things under her breath. _

"_This is not something you are too busy to do. Don't pull your high and mighty act on me again," she replies harshly._

_Maybe what is wrong has everything to do with you, I want to tell her, but it won't do any good. I feel my resolve weaken._

"_So what did you do with the couches again?" I attempt to distract her. It works and she prattles on about decorating and I let her say what she wants to say. It's never been about me anyways._

"_It was so good talking to you," she gushes when she finishes. I shake my head and exhale through my nose._

"_You too. Have a good night mother," I say and hang up before she replies. I let me head fall into my hands and toss the phone away from me. That pose only lasts for a moment before I really just feel undone, completely unraveling. I twist my arms around myself and for a brief moment crave another set of arms, but I am keeping him away for his own good, so I push those thoughts away too. _

_I hold back the sobs long enough to get out of Simon's store and home, but as soon as I'm behind my anteroom door and the lock is in place, I slide to the floor and let the tears fall because I can't hold them in any longer. I bite my lips to keep the sobs in, but I don't make an effort to stop the crying. I'll get this out now and tomorrow I'll be fine, or at least that is what I am telling myself._

***

I wonder if penguins know what a bad deal they got. I mean, they have wings, right? But they can't fly. I wonder if they know it though. Do we actually know what we're missing if we've never had a taste of it before? I can see how maybe this little guy that's waddling back and forth with me might get pissed if he'd been able to fly as a baby but then, as he grew, his wings were too weak to carry his body.

It's the same old adage—you don't know what you've got till it's gone. And once it's gone, you don't know how to live without it.

The thing about me is that I lost my theoretical wings a long time ago. And I was fine without them. It took some work, but eventually I forgot that I couldn't fly anymore. Or maybe just that I wouldn't; maybe I just developed a fear of heights and to protect myself, to cover this newfound fear, I just convinced myself and everyone else that my wings simply could not carry me up that high anymore.

And here I am, staring at these oblivious penguins because what made me find my wings again won't take my calls. She disappeared. And this time, well, I can't force myself to forget what I've lost. And lost because of what? Because of Hannah? Because of a woman who takes more pleasure in squeezing me inside of a perfect little box? Because of a woman who makes no effort to understand who I am? Because of a woman who hasn't even realized that my record player actually works or that I hide a guitar in the closet that I just hold and never play?

I went to Rebel Diamonds and Angela looked at me with so much pity and I think remorse because she was the go between today. She said I'd probably be able to find Bella at home. So I went to her apartment but Emmett said he hadn't seen her and he'd been home all day. I fought the urge to go and check her bedroom for myself, but he didn't look like he was lying.

So then I came here because even though I doubted that I'd be able to find her, it was the closest I could find to being near her. In this germ infested zoo with animals screeching and twirling around on display in their cages. And we get to walk around out here under the guise of freedom but we're not ever really free are we? Not from ourselves and not from each other.

But she loved it here. She held onto the bars and spoke to the animals as if they were the best of friends. And the smile on her face had been truly astounding. And I just needed to feel her.


	13. Chapter 13

A/N: So....we have a little deal to strike with you all. There are two kinds of readers (or so we figure) those who are reviewing (we know and love all of you *mwah*) and those who aren't (you know who you are...). We don't like to play favorites, we really don't so make it easier on us and give us a chance to pick from EVERYONE. lol The point is....please review. We'll build a new wing to house them all if you're worried about room...

Once again off-the-deep-end keeps this machine oiled and rolling and we love her for it!

***

_I let my fingers brush along the keys of the piano, never pressing hard enough to make noise. There was a grand piano in the foyer of my house growing up. I used to climb up on the bench and slam my fingers into the keys with no regard to the real magic that it could be used for. It only happened a few times until my mother had told me, in her hung-over state, that pianos were for looking not touching. Years later I realized her manic mistake._

_Now I wish I had taken the time to learn, any instrument really. But, there was never time for that. I blow my bangs out of my eyes and straighten my back. It's not really the sob story that it sounds like. I've been out of that house and out from under my mother's thumb for years, I could have learned a hundred times over, but it just seems like something I don't want to taint. _

_I leave the bench and move towards another piano. This room is full of them. I glance over at Angela who is speaking earnestly to the sales woman. My hand trails over the tops of the beautiful instruments as I approach them._

"_These are hard times for everyone and while I applaud your cause I assure you I cannot do better on these prices," the saleswoman insists. I see Angela's creased brow and watch as she prepares her reply. I place my hand on her shoulder and smile. _

"_The last thing we want is for you to make a concession that will hurt your business, it's actually the opposite," I begin with a smile. The woman sighs deeply and looks to be bracing herself to repeat her mantra all over again. I smile again hopefully this time more convincingly. Each effort seems to be improving with time. I can almost convince myself at this point._

"_We plan on using your services every time we need a piano and I'm sure a lot of our wealthy donators would love to know about the fantastic shop you have here when they may be looking for a piano," I offer. Her face lifts with that statement and I watch as her rigid shoulders relax slightly. She writes a number down and shows it to Angela and I. I glance over at Angela and see the relief written over her face. Meeker Elementary will get a piano after all._

_I slip back into the showroom as Angela arranges the payment and delivery. There is a small family now in the room looking in awe at the pianos. I smile as the small girl lets her hand run along the sides like I had just done. She meets my gaze and I smile at her. Easier still._

_Ten days. I feel like an addict counting the days of sobriety. Ten days of numbness and ten days of coming home each night to a message from him. They were pleading at first, almost heart breaking and now he just talks. He tells me about his day what he did, things that made him think of me. If I was stronger I would just delete them, but its not doing him any harm for me to listen to them. Eventually they will stop and I don't know what I'm going to do then._

"_Is there a reason you couldn't have worked that magic thirty minutes ago?" Angela asks as she appears at my side. I shrug my shoulders and start walking towards the door. Angela's heels tap angrily across the floor after me. I quicken my pace and push the doors open. The streets are nearly empty; most people are working at this hour._

"_Iz, come on, slow down," Angela calls after me. I slow slightly and bite the inside of my cheek. It's easier to deal with strangers these days. People who can't see the difference. It's why in the last week I have gotten more done with work than the last month combined. Angela should be thrilled. Instead she keeps looking at me with this sick sense of worry and pity in her eyes._

"_I was thinking I could fit in a couple donor meetings on my way back to the office and then I was going to stop at Harvey's on my way home to make sure everything is in place for next weeks fundraiser," I ramble. Maybe I can keep her too busy with work to talk about anything else._

"_Maybe you should just take the rest of the day off Iz. You've been working nonstop all week. Maybe see what Edward is up to? It is Wednesday."_

_And just like that all the air rushes from my lungs like she just punched me in the gut rather that just said my name. I hunch over for a moment before pulling myself together and feeling the familiar numb spread over me. I start walking even faster._

"_Why go home when I can get so much done?" I mumble. Angela's hand reaches for my shoulder and slows my pace. _

"_Would you just tell me what happened already?" she pleads. I force my eyes shut and feel my foot tap in impatience. I haven't said the words out loud and maybe that's not a good thing. Maybe that's why I can't decide exactly what I am feeling. She has me by both shoulders now, her eyes fixed on mine._

"_Cut this shit right now. I want my friend back," she demands. I chuckle a little and roll my eyes. She can be so dramatic. _

"_He kissed me," I blurt. Angela's hands drop to her sides and she shakes her head._

"_That's it? That is what has you acting like he killed your dog and then left it on your bed?" she presses. Wow. That is quite a visual. I'm kind of glad I don't have a dog right now._

"_What do you mean that's it? Ang, he kissed me, like really kissed me, and he still has Godzilla bitch at home," I add hoping she'll see the full severity of the situation. She rolls her eyes and walks away from me. Oh no. Not allowed. I jog a couple steps to catch up with her._

"_I thought it was something HUGE. I mean all the moping and workaholic crap. For the love of everything holy Iz, just a kiss?" It's all coming out as a ramble now and I get the impression that she might actually be angry at me. _

"_It is huge Ang. We were supposed to be friends. FRIENDS. You know I wouldn't have spent so much time with someone I was…." I trail off not really knowing how to describe my admittedly shit relationship history._

"_Dating? Iz, do you even know how ridiculous you sound? That if you had actually been interested in Edward you wouldn't have let him in? God you should be the subject of an after school special on commitment issues."_

_I stopped following her somewhere around 'actually been interested in Edward' so the last of the statement faded away with her. She looks around her for me and then stomps back towards me when she realizes I stopped. She grasps my arm in her hand and pulls me along._

"_I'm not saying that him kissing you while having a girlfriend wasn't shitty, but it was not reason for all of this. Do remember why you liked spending time with him? I mean he made a mistake, but what about everything he did right?" she asks. A little slideshow of Edward flashes before my eyes and I almost want to vomit at the giddiness it induces. _

"_I can't Ang," I argue. She rolls her eyes and drops my arms folding her arms over her chest._

"_No Iz, you WON'T. Big difference." With that she walks away, leaving me as little more than a roadblock._

***

"Hey, um, it's me again," I say into the machine. I stopped feeling stupid about carrying on conversations with her answering machine about ten phone calls ago. "I'm surprised your machine isn't full yet." I breathe out an awkward laugh. "That either means that you're listening to these or just deleting them. Hopefully the former."

I cross the street, phone in one hand and briefcase in the other. I always call her on my way home from work. Some days I call her after Hannah's gone to bed. It's the closest I can feel to her.

"I went out and got lunch for me and Violet today. We um had Mexican from this little hole in the wall. It made me think of you. Violet gets extra sour cream too but she doesn't use half as much as you do," I say and laugh again. "She asks about you all the time. You made quite an impression on her. And um… on me. I miss you." It makes no sense for me to ask her to call me back—I know she won't. "If you get a minute, give me a call, okay? Okay. Bye, Bella."

I tell her anyway. Every single time. I figure if I tell her that I still want her to call me, she'll get around to doing it eventually.

I take the stairs up the way I always do because I don't have the time or energy to exercise.

Every step up makes me feel like I'm climbing to my execution. Home has been anything but, lately. Home has been awkward and tense and filled with angry words and glares and tofu. Home has been the messages I leave on Bella's machine every day. It's the only time of day that I feel even mildly comfortable or happy.

I stand in front of the door and take a deep breath. I hope Hannah went out tonight. I really, really hope. I just want to crawl into bed and sleep. I don't want to sit across from her at the dinner table, pretending to enjoy the vegetables she ruined on her quest to learn how to sauté. I don't want to ask her how her day was. I don't want any of the awkward polite conversation that we have every single night.

I open the door and duck at the last possible second before something metal and square hits the wall next to my head. Papers and random things flutter to the ground around me.

"What the fuck are you doing, Hannah?" I ask and slam the door shut. When I look down, my stomach drops. The He-man lunch box is lying face down and open on the floor. All of its contents are scattered across the rug at my feet. All of my Bella reminders are on the floor. As if they meant absolutely nothing.

I crouch down and quickly begin to put them all back inside. The Sour Patch wrapper from FAO Schwartz. The hair tie she had slipped onto my wrist the night she took my ring. She had told me that since she had a piece of me, I should have something of hers. And she pulled the tie right out of her hair and onto my wrist.

Something hard hits my shoulder and I look up, jolted from my memories of Bella to face this angry… what is it that she called her? This Godzilla bitch. Shit. What the fuck am I doing?

"Stop throwing things at me," I tell her and shut the lunch box before I stand up.

"You have ten seconds to explain," she says and crosses her arms over her chest.

"Explain what exactly?" I ask and tuck the box under my arm protectively.

"That!" she shrieks and points at the box. "What the fuck is that?"

I look down at the He-man and then back at her. "A lunch box."

"I know it's a fucking lunch box," she says and slaps my arm with every word. "It's that fucking slut's lunch box."

I clench my teeth and count to ten. "I thought I told you to stop calling her that."

"Oh, fuck you, Edward." She grabs the box from my arm and opens it, releasing all of the contents onto the floor again before she throws the box behind her.

"Would you stop doing that?" I ask and kneel down to pick everything up again.

She gets there first though and slaps my hands away. Never have I ever felt a stronger desire to kick any woman in the head the way I want to kick her right now.

"What is this shit, Edward?" she snaps and takes a photo strip of me and Bella from the day at the zoo. She holds it up to my face and breathes heavily.

And I don't care that she's yelling at me. I don't care that she looks like she wants to kill me. Because there's Bella and her smile and her goofy ass faces and I fucking miss her so much.

"Didn't we already go over this?" I ask her lowly and snatch the picture from her. "She's my friend. Or was, anyway. But she can't deal with your fucking psychotic ass and doesn't speak to me anymore."

I take a deep breath right after the words are out of my mouth. Fuck. That was the worst possible thing to say. Fuck me. What was I thinking?

And then her hand is connecting hard with my cheek. I didn't see it coming because I wasn't looking. Because I was looking at the pictures of me and Bella. And fuck, that stings.

I put my hand on my cheek and glare at her. "What the fuck is wrong with you?" I ask her and pick everything back up, cradling Bella in my arms.

"You need to get your shit together, Edward. You are not the man I fell in love with."

I shake my head. "You never fell in love with me," I tell her. "You don't even know me."

"Oh, here we go again. When are you going to grow up?" she shouts, and stands up. "Get that stupid rock star fantasy out of your head. Or do you think I don't hear you when you get out of bed in the middle of the night?"

I stare at her. "What are you talking about?"

"You think I don't hear you playing that stupid fucking guitar of yours?" she yells. "You think I don't get what this whole Izzy situation is? Grow up, Edward. Grow up. She's an immature, irresponsible child. What do you think, huh? You think she knows you? Is that what it is?"

I shake my head at her. "Fuck you."

Her eyes widen. "Oh, fuck me? Fuck me? No. Fuck you. Fuck you and that little slut, Edward." She grabs the doorknob and swings the door open. It slams hard into the wall. "Call me when you get your shit together. I can't deal with this."

And then she storms into the hallway and slams it shut behind her.

I lean against the wall and sink down to the ground with Bella in my lap. I tilt my head back and close my eyes and sigh.

Because now… well, now I just feel relieved.

***

_I slam the door to my apartment and lean up against the door. I can near the hum of the TV and I for once am looking forward to spending time with Emmett and hopefully hearing nothing but his rants and anger at incompetent referees. I slip my coat off and let it slide to the floor not caring about the result. I round the living room and sink into the couch. _

_The TV is a flash of colors and squeaking sneakers and Emmett is leaned forward, his elbows on his knees as he watches. I swear his addiction to sports has ended too many relationships. And yet he doesn't seem to care._

_I take solace in the fact that he seems to be content ignoring me and that's exactly what I want from in this moment. I lean against the side of the couch and curl my feet under me. I'm tempted to turn the volume up even further to keep Angela's words from repeating in my head._

_And suddenly the opposite happens. My eyes pop open as the TV is muted and I look to see Emmett looking at me. I would give anything for there to be mischief in his eyes, but it's a look I have seen all too much today. I groan and pull a pillow over my face._

"_Not you to Em, please just spare me," I plead. He pulls the pillow away from my face and sets it far enough away from me that I can't grab it again. I scowl at him and train my eyes on the TV._

"_What's the score?" I ask trying to distract him. He clears his throat and looks poignantly at me again._

"_You know you're my all time favorite roommate, Iz," he begins._

"_But…" I help him along. The faster this can end the sooner I can try another safe haven._

"_This has got to stop kid. I know I give you shit about the guys, number them and all, but I won't do it any more if you will cut this out," he bargains. The offer is tempting, but to stop doing something I would have to know what I was doing first._

"_Cut what out? Pretending to care about the score of the game?" I lie. I know that's not it, but I am not above trying everything I have to keep this from getting serious or, heaven help me, resembling what just went down with Angela._

"_See? This is what I am talking about. Quit fucking acting like everything is ok," he demands. I cower a little back into the couch and Emmett sighs. He smiles sadly at me and raises his hands knowing that yelling is not the way to get through to me._

"_Iz, I want to help, but I can't do that if you just shut me out," he breathes. I don't answer; instead motion back to the game that has come back on. He glances towards the TV and then switches it off. My mouth drops, he can't be serious._

"_I get that is has something to do with Edward, but even if you want me to leave you the hell alone, I need you to say it," he states. My breathing speeds up and I flicker my eyes towards him a couple of times._

"_I need to you to leave me the hell alone Em. I'm sorry," I reply. He nods._

"_And?" he prompts._

"_And everything is not ok." He turns the TV back on._

"_That's all I needed. Let me know when you need me," he mutters. I push up from the couch and back towards the door. I pick my jacket up off the floor and slam the door once again. Apparently I am the only person who cannot talk to about this._

***

Hannah hasn't come back. I didn't expect her to. She's probably sitting around with her friends eating carrots with fat free dip and bashing the shit out of me. Something along the lines of, "Han, baby, we told you there was something off about him."

I don't care. I don't want to see her.

The music didn't help again. I tried it all. Nothing worked.

So I left. And I came here. Because maybe she's been ignoring me, maybe she's been blowing me off, but I need to see her and it needs to happen now.

I knock on the door and Emmett opens it up after a few seconds. I've seen him a couple of times in the past week. Mostly because I keep doing this and Bella is never home.

"Come in, man," he says and motions me inside. "Can I get you a beer?"

I start to say no but then I realize that I could really use one right now. "Yeah, sure, thanks."

He grabs one from the kitchen and then comes back in and sits down across from me. "What's going on?" he asks and I feel like I'm being interrogated by her father.

I clear my throat and take a long drink from the beer. "Is Bella here?"

He shakes his head. "She left a little while ago."

I feel my shoulders slump and sink back into the couch. "You sure she's not hiding in the bathtub?"

He laughs but it's not a happy laugh. "I'd send you in if that were the case," he tells me.

"She doing okay?"

"Look," he begins with a heavy sigh, "I don't know what happened between the two of you—"

"I kissed her," I hear myself blurt out. Because I needed to get it out. I needed to say it and have somebody hear it.

Emmett stares at me blankly and then nods. "I guess that makes sense."

"You guess what makes sense?" I ask and stand up and start pacing back and forth. "I apologized. It pissed her off and I apologized but now she won't fucking take any of my calls."

He rubs his head and sighs again.

I don't let him speak though. "And you know what? I get it. I get it was fucked up that I kissed her because I have a girlfriend and whatever." I feel myself unraveling now, feel all of the stress and anxiety of the past week explode from my mouth. "But what am I supposed to do? I said I was sorry and she accepted my apology. And now she won't fucking speak to me, man."

"She say anything else?" he asks quietly.

"No!" I explode. "She hasn't said shit to me. I've called her over a hundred fucking times because I just… fuck I don't know, Emmett."

I sink back into the sofa, exhausted and sick of all of this. I'm sick of fighting against something when I don't know what the fuck it is. I'm sick of missing her. I'm sick of everything.

"Aright, listen," he says and waits until I look at him. "She's gonna get pissed at me for telling you this, but I like you and… well, I don't know—things seemed like they'd be different with you. So I'm going to tell you even though I probably shouldn't."

I motion with my hand impatiently. "I won't say anything."

"Izzy has a…" he pauses to think of whatever word it is that he's looking for. "Well, she has a pretty colorful history relationship wise."

I just stare at him blankly. As if I'm supposed to know what the fuck that means.

"I just think that what probably happened was that when you kissed her, she panicked. She's not one for long-term, serious relationships, you know what I mean? It's sort of like a phobia." He stares at the wall behind my head for a minute thoughtfully. "I don't think she's actually had a relationship that's lasted for more than two months."

"What does that have to do with anything?" I ask and rub my face. I don't care about any of this shit. I mean, I care obviously, but it has nothing to do with me. Her past is her past. Shit, I'm definitely not one to judge other people on what they do or have done.

"Well, she probably freaked out. Because I think she likes you—you know, as a friend—and she has a pretty negative image of herself when it comes to relationships. Something about her destroying people. And I guess she thought that it was safe with you because you were only friends. And then you kissed her. Am I making sense?"

I nod. "So what the fuck am I supposed to do?" I ask him.

He shrugs. "How badly do you want this?"

I just stare at him for a minute before I flip my phone open. "113 phone calls in a week."

Then he laughs. And laughs. And laughs. "Then get off your ass and go find her," he says and clinks his bottle against mine. "You've got my blessing."

***

_It's the best and the worst part of living in a big city, being able to get lost in a crowd. I can wander for hours and never be stopped or interrupted. I tried to go to all my familiar haunts, but there was no escape. During our friendship I had taken Edward everywhere so now when I go trying to escape him I see and hear him all around me._

_At my favorite bakery everything that had cinnamon called out to me with the explanation that that's what he would have chosen. At the boat pond I could hear him cheering on all the slower boats. Even at the zoo I could hear him murmuring under his breath behind me about the smell, the germs and the general dirt._

_Damn him._

_I even called my mother and endured a 90 minute conversation about how she couldn't believe that her local grocery store didn't carry glutton free bread. I egged on her unfounded anger and waited for that to at least distract me, but it didn't take long for the conversation to turn to her newest conquest and that put me in place a I did not want to be._

_So now I'm here. Sitting at the feet of a teddy bear that rivals Emmett in size and most likely scaring small children. There are a few employees gathered behind me debating on whether or not to ask me to leave. They're leaning towards no considering other than being slightly menacing I haven't done anything remotely threatening and they are all pretty sure I am not capable of doing anything._

_I lean my head back so I can see up to the bear's face. I should probably go home. I've been MIA for hours now and I'm sure Emmett is not going to be happy with me. That's his newest trick, the overprotective big brother act. I'm sure that he'll be giving me a curfew any time now. _

_I reach down into the bag of sour patch kids and pop one into my mouth. I chew slowly and watch people walk by me, mostly unaware of the crazy woman sidled up to the giant teddy bear._

"_You know Buzz, I think you and I could be great friends. Especially if you can keep up this no talking thing," I mutter up to the inanimate object. A couple rushes their kids by me and I smile lazily. I am beyond caring about what people may think. I just need a moment to be. To be left alone and allowed to feel whatever I want without explaining myself._

_Like if I want to be angry and sad and aloof all at the same time and all about the same man, I will. Because at the root of it all I'm not sure how I feel about it. I mean partially I'm relieved that I was given an easy way out that I'll never have to endure the heartbreak of pawning Edward off on someone else to save him from me. And then I'm angry as fuck that he had to be the one person to kiss me like that and make me feel those things when he has someone else. _

_I swallow thickly and reach for another sour patch. All in all I am a confused girl. And yet every time someone with hair even remotely similar passes I feel my heart race and those damn butterflies try to rise from the dead. But it passes quickly because there is no chance he would be here. There is no reason for him to be. And more importantly I shouldn't want him to be. I shouldn't._

_I stretch my legs out in front of me and think about leaving. I can't stay here all night as appealing as that sounds and I really would like to be in my bed right now. Bad train of thought. Instantly I can picture him on my bed his forehead creased and his hands clenched in front of him. Not good._

_The plan to leave is abandoned for a moment and I lean again back into Buzz, my newest friend and let me eyes slide closed. I focus on the soft hum of the music in the background and the artificial fur behind my head. And then I hear it, so perfect I think for a second that I really have gone crazy._

"_Should I feel threatened that you're hanging out with my friends without me?"_

_I chuckle in spite of myself. I can play along with the hallucination, it's not like the employees are going to think I am any crazier._

"_I can't help it if Buzz likes me better," I reply. And then I feel a body slide down next to mine and my eyes shoot open. Hallucinations do not have body heat or the ability to touch me. Edward reaches for my sour patches and pops one into his mouth chewing silently. Serious?_

"_You know how hard it is to find someone without a cell phone in this city?" he asks. I duck my head and shrug. _

"_You found me." I answer. His eyebrow raises slightly._

"_I guess I did." Silence settles between us and he reaches for another sour patch. I don't know what to say, but I don't want him to leave._

"_Should I be insulted that you've ignored all my phone calls?" His voice is soft, almost a whisper, and he keeps his eyes down like he won't like the answer._

"_You're asking me an awful lot of questions about how you should or shouldn't feel. Why don't you just tell me how you feel?" It was meant to sound playful, but in reality is was an open invitation to be honest. Because at this point I can't dance around anything anymore. He fiddles with his fingers before sighing heavily._

"_Hurt mostly," he answers. There is a tremor to his voice and suddenly I feel like the biggest piece of shit in the world because all I ever wanted to do was protect him, keep him from getting hurt. Hell I wanted to chase that broken look in his eyes away for good and now I had gone and put it there._

"_I didn't ignore your calls. I listened to every message," I offer. He raises his eyes to meet mine a small amount of hope there and I smile tiredly._

"_You might've responded to one or two of them," he accuses. I feel my eyes drop in shame and him sigh in response. I chew on my lip and try to think of the best way to say this, the best way to be truthful without hurting him._

"_I thought it was the right thing to do. I didn't want to get in the way of you and godz….your girlfriend anymore than I had already," I sigh. It was the truth, just not all of it. He rubs his face roughly with his hands and looks for a moment like he's going to reach for mine, but then lets his hand fall limply to his lap._

"_Bella, the shit between Hannah and I was there way before I met you. It just, well, I guess it took meeting you to see it," he stutters. I feel my forehead crease. I knew that she was basically awful, but I assumed that he overlooked that, that he accepted that._

"_How does meeting me change anything?" Because we were friends. And he wanted her to meet me and for us to get along. It doesn't make sense._

"_Because you made me go to the zoo. And I got drunk and danced on a bar with you and you gave me your purple hair tie," he rambles. My mouth drops open slightly. _

"_I made you? So I'm at fault here? Is that what you're saying?" I'm trying to stay calm. I mean, fuck, we're in a toy store, but I don't need to feel any worse than I already do about all of this. I start to stand up, but his hand wraps around my wrist. He repositions and slips his fingers in between mine._

"_You showed me everything that I was missing. Good things. Really good things. Things that I shouldn't live without," he states firmly. I slide back down and face him. I take a deep shaking breath. I try not to touch him. I do because even though what he is saying is wonderful it doesn't mean that anything has changed._

"_I don't know what to say. What do you want me to say?" I all but beg him to tell me how to fix this. He shakes his head like he doesn't know the answer to that question._

"_That you understand? That you don't hate me?" he asks. I shake my head this time._

"_Understand what?" I ask. He breathes deeply and looks at me in such a way I think he's trying to tell me without words, but I am not getting it._

"_And I never hated you. Ever. Not for one moment." I add. His shoulders relax slightly._

"_It's like, it's like I was just in this box, this responsible, boring, beige box," he begins. He glances at me and takes a deep breath. "You know how people say sometimes, you know, about the grass being greener on the other side? But like, unless you know there's another side you can't know that you're missing anything?"_

_I'm trying desperately to follow his words, but all I'm getting is that he was in a box and he didn't know about the grass. I want to say something that will erase the crease in between his eyebrows, but I don't think offering to show him the grass in Central Park is going to help._

"_I didn't think, I guess, that there was anything wrong with where my life was. I saw my relationship with Hannah as something that's supposed to happen as people get older, and then, you know, I kissed you. And I'm sorry that that pissed you off, but I'm not sorry that I did it because I saw it all; I figured it out finally."_

_With those words he looks relieved and pops in another sour patch. At this rate he is going to eat all my candy. _

"_I'm not supposed to eat tofu just because my girlfriend will get pissed off at me if I don't. I can skip a day of work to go to the zoo. And, well, passion isn't supposed to go away. It's not supposed to disappear just because we're older not. I kissed you Bella and realized that it's not ok to settle just because it seems safer."_

_I lick my lips and try to make sense out of what he is saying._

"_So, you're not in the box anymore?" He shakes his head._

"_I guess I'm glad that I helped you figure this all out in a way and I don't mean to sound redundant, but I'm not sure what this means. What you want me to do," I reply. Because his words were lovely and very self-proclaiming, but they didn't really tell me anything about what he wants from me or why he is sitting next to me on the floor of a toy store._

"_I want you to give me a chance," he states. And wow, he just put that out there. I know I asked him to, but still. I swallow and look down at out hands still intertwined._

"_A chance to do what? Be my friend again? Help you with that whole box problem you're having?" Because I want the words. I need to be sure. No more grey lines._

"_Well, yeah, all of that, but I can't stop thinking about this." And just as I am going to ask him what 'this' is his lips on are mine again. I feel my mouth open in shock and he takes the chance to press his tongue tentatively to mine. I can't fight the urge to close my eyes and move my lips against his. He pulls away leaving me a little breathless._

"_That's what I want most of all," he adds with a smirk. And I like the smirk and I like the kiss, but still it's not right._

"_What about Hannah Edward? Does she know you're out of the box?"_

_And I'm hoping she's gone because as much as I want to run right now, I'm too attached to the feeling of his hand over mine. And I might let him try to hold me down. Maybe I can do this. Maybe. He clears his throat and smiles._

"_I sort of, blew that box up," he grins. And I can't help but grin back. I lean forward and press my lips soundly to his, but don't let his tongue get any further. We are in a toy store for fuck's sake. So I grab my sour patches and his hand and lead him out the door._

_The main goal is to think positive. Maybe if I want this and him enough it will be ok. Maybe it doesn't have to end badly. Hope fills me so fully I can ignore the doubts. And as we reach the night air together and his arm wraps around me I'm sure I can create my own box and keep my fears in there. As long as no one lets them out, we should be fine._


	14. Chapter 14

A/N soooooo, apparently that last note brought some of you out of the woodwork. so glad to see you all! we finally hit 100, which means we got to pop open some wine and aim for 200! ambitious we know, but we know you can do it!

lots of talk of hannah....is she/isn't she gone? time will tell. for now we want to open things up to you. we've seen a lot of things on a/n's and we want to know what you want to see....promise of teasers...interviews with the characters....you let us know. we can be very accommodating....

once again none of this mess happens with out off-the-deep-end, she is fantastic!

***

_The rain bounces off the sidewalk and back up at me as we run for the safety of my building. The awning comes into sight and I pull him under with me and peer out at the dark sky. I really should pay more attention to the weather before going out. He presses his lips to the side of my neck and I try to fight the sigh that builds in my throat I really do, but it just slips out._

_I grin at him before opening the door and bounding up the stairs. Elevators are for wimps. His heavy footsteps echo after mine and I feel the familiar burn of excitement I get when being chased. I force my heart rate to level as I reach my door. There should probably be more thought involved in this process, a slow re-ascent into some sort of steady, healthy relationship, but I have long since grasped my inability to do anything right when it comes to relationships and by the way Edward is still clutching my hand and I don't think he'll mind. _

_The door releases its hold on its frame and we both partially fall into the apartment. No lights are on, which means Emmett is out. Probably for the best at this point. I am hazy at best on this situation and another person asking questions might shift this fragile arrangement into oblivion._

_I reach for the light switch and cringe when my damp shirt makes the movement almost impossible. I hate being in wet clothes. That whole throwing someone in the pool fully clothed was truly mean. Doesn't stop Emmett. The denim of my jeans rubs and whines against my movements and I cringe. _

_Annnnd, now I'm cold. I pout to myself and reach down unbuttoning my jeans and slowly shimmying out of them. Once they hit the floor in a wet heap I feel more free. I kick them towards the washer and dryer and pull my shirt over my head to join them. It's only when I hear a hiss of breath that I remember that I am not alone._

_For a brief moment I feel a little modesty, but it passes quickly. Boy shorts and a cotton bra hardly show as much as a bathing suit, he can hardly be scandalized. I start up the stairs, but pause when I don't hear him behind me. I turn slowly to find him still standing in the entry his eyes moving from my discarded clothes to me over and over. _

_A smirk crosses my lips as I cross my arms over my chest. His eyes finally settle on mine and I can see his chest rising and falling rapidly. For someone I know has been a serious relationship that probably involved sex….wait. Holy shit. What if Edward has never had sex? I swallow thickly before backing slowly up the stairs._

"_Edward, you have seen a girl in her underwear before, in person, right?" I ask gently. I watch as his eyes switch from awe to something darker._

"_Obviously," He states making slow progress towards me. He reaches the bottom of the stairs just as I reach the top. I grasp both railings and lean forward a little. His eyes widen at the view. Men are so easy and yet I don't mind the leering as long as it's him. Under his stare I don't feel appraised, just appreciated. And warm and possibly just a tiny bit tingly._

"_You're looking at me like a kid who just found his dad's Playboy," I tease. He clears his throat, but keeps his eyes steady._

"_I'm just appreciating the view," he answers hoarsely. I smile again at him and turn into my room. I don't wait to hear his footsteps this time. The drawers of my dresser groan as I pull them open reaching in for a pair of sweats and at shirt. Then cold fingers grasp at my hips. I hiss at the contact and immediately try to squirm out of his hold, but he holds firm._

"_I wasn't done looking," he whispers into my neck. I shiver when his warm breath hits my cool skin. Slowly he turns me back around to face him. I hold my clothes against my chest and lower my eyes. From a distance when I have the control is one thing, up close is different._

_Even though I'm not looking I can feel his eyes sweep over my body. His hands gently trail up and down my sides, skimming, but releasing his hold. I feel my sweats being pulled from my hands and then the sound of them landing on the floor. I take a steady breath and lift my eyes._

_Edward is looking straight at me. Not at my boobs or any other part of me, but my eyes. The breath whooshes from me and I smile softly. His hands resume their pattern, up and down. I wish he would just take hold, do something more than barely touch. _

_His hands take hold of my hips and he pulls me flush against him. His clothes still hold that damp chill that started all this. I gasp and pull away slightly. The hurt in his eyes is so obviously I almost suck it up and snuggle up to his cold jeans, but come on. I am barely clothed._

"_No offense love, but you're freezing," I laugh. He looks down at his damp clothes and smiles sheepishly at me. He reaches for the bottom of his shirt and, holy hell, he's taken it off. He tosses towards my laundry hamper and I laugh at his memory. I swallow hard and take in his bare chest._

_All those button up shirts did no justice to what was underneath. I reach out my hand slowly looking up at him for permission. His eyes are heavy lidded as he looks down at me. That damn smirk reappears as he takes my hand in his and places it on his chest. His skin is cold, but smooth. I let my hand trail up and down the exposed skin._

_This time he shivers under my touch. I wonder if all pencil necks look this good underneath all those blazers and ties. I step closer to him again ignoring the icy denim and press our chests together slowly. I know I am pushing limits here, I may not be the most morally balanced person, but there are some things that can wait. Till tomorrow at least. _

_My heart hammers in my chest and I wonder if he can feel it. I glance up at him to find him looking down at me. I laugh at his fogged glasses._

"_A little heated up there love?" I ask. I wipe my fingers gently across the glass. Once his eyes are revealed to me I smile again and then can't fight off the yawn that follows._

"_As heated as you are," he answers softly, his hands now tracing across my bare back. I lay my head on his chest and let my eyes slide closed. We stay there like that for longer than I would like to admit, long enough for the chill of his jeans to work its way into me. I shiver and pull him tighter, but that only makes it worse. I sigh and pull away._

"_As much as I like this, I really, really want my sweats," I apologize. He chuckles and releases me. Once out of his arms all the fears and warnings held at bay by his arms rush into my head. I slip into my sweats and slip my bra off before covering my torso with my t-shirt. The voices in my mind made me turn my back to Edward before I did that. _

_Damn those voices and the irrational insecurity they give me. I pull the covers back from the bed and slip under the comforter relieved to be pressed into something warm and not denim. I glance up at Edward who is standing at the end of the bed his hands deep in his pockets. _

"_Are you going to stand there or are you going to ditch those awful jeans and come to bed?" That came out wrong. I didn't mean bed like that, I can't, and it's not… And yet it doesn't stop the smirk from crossing his face and his hands reaching for the button of his jeans. I turn my face into my pillow and try not to give into my urge to call this all off._

_I can do this. I can be with this man. This man who humors my oddities, hell I think he might even like them. He will make this easy for me. If I can just calm the urge to run._

_The covers lift and the mattress sinks as he slips in next to me. His feet find mine under the covers and I don't even mind that they are freezing. I rub my feet up and down his calves. He lays his head close to mine we take turns breathing in each others breaths. _

"_I didn't mean to say it like you had to stay, you can go if you want," I offer. Give him a way out. I don't think I'll ever be able to stop doing that. Save himself and all that._

"_I want to stay if that's ok?" He would ask rather than just leave it at that. I don't answer, worried that my reply will be laced with a scold. I reach over next to me and turn off the light. His shallow breathing is comforting and my bed seems to mold to the two of us, pushing our bodies together. So much for boundaries and rules._

***

I tap my pen against the desk impatiently. I want this day to be over. I want to go see Bella. Bella who let's me kiss her whenever I want, Bella who kicks all of the blankets to the bottom of the bed in the middle of the night and then curls up around me because she's freezing. Bella who actually likes having me around.

There's only another hour left of this shit. One hour is nothing in the grand scheme of anything. One hour is only sixty minutes. In one hour you can read the newspaper from front to back or watch a television show. With an hour you can take a nap or cook dinner.

I can learn a song in an hour. What I can't fucking do though, is sit here for another hour when the day already feels more like a week.

And I'm so fucking bored here. All I keep thinking about is Bella wiggling out of her wet jeans and then taking her shirt off. And then my dick will get hard for about five minutes until Kara walks by and it just… boom. Drops.

I groan in frustration because only five minutes have passed and I was pretty sure the hour was up.

"Lenora," I sigh to the woman next to me. She looks at me with a slight smile. Lenora is a really nice girl. She's just insane. She stalked me when I first started working here until she found out I had a girlfriend. She always has cat hair on her clothes. And she listens to the light radio station all fucking day long. "How 'bout a new station for the rest of the day?"

Her smile falters slightly. "You don't like 311?" she asks and looks crushed.

Lenora is a fragile girl. "I do," I lie and try for an enthusiastic genuine nod. "But we've heard Love Song five times today." And if I hear it again, I'm going to take my pencil and stab you in the jugular with it.

Obviously I don't add that violent last part. But at this point, I'm feeling so fucking nuts and caged up that I don't even think I can be held accountable for my actions.

"The song is almost over," she says and turns back to her work.

Yeah, 311 is gonna be replaced by Celine Dion. And if I hear her sing about driving all night one more time… well, Lenora and I are going to war.

The phone next to me buzzes. "Hello?"

"Edward? It's Violet."

"What's going on?" I ask and start tapping my foot.

311 has been replaced by "Truly Madly Deeply." Lenora loves this one. She dedicated it to me during her crush stage. She turns around in her chair and smiles, a light pink blush staining her cheeks. I wink at her.

"You have a visitor, sweetheart," she says and I sit up straighter.

"Who?" I ask.

"She said it's a surprise. Just to get your pencil neck out here," Violet ends with a laugh.

And I feel my heart speed up and the smile as it spreads on my face and all of the shit from today, all of the Celine Dion and 311 and Savage Garden suddenly don't matter. "Alright, I'll be right out."

I push away from the desk and start packing my shit up at warp speed. Kara's not even here to give me a hard time about leaving early today. I mean, I'm only fifteen minutes early but she'd start her shit.

I beat back the urge to run to her. Not because it's pathetic but because it's inappropriate.

I push the door open and there she is, leaning over the counter talking to Violet about something, and laughing. And she turns her head and looks at me and her smile is big and her eyes are sparkling and god, I am so fucked. This woman is just… going to completely undo me.

I feel myself smiling back at her and then I'm striding over to her. I take her little hand in mine and lean in to kiss her once, a tiny little kiss because anything more would embarrass Violet.

"Hi," I pull back and say.

"I've come to steal you away," she says, eyes sparkling, fingers entwined with mine. "Is that okay?"

Is that okay? That's more than fucking okay. I turn and look at Violet. "It's up to Vi," I say with a slow smile. "She runs shit around here."

Violet laughs and waves her hand at me. "Oh, hush. Go. Have fun. Have a drink for me… and maybe a little something else."

She winks and Bella laughs and I blush. Violet is possibly one of the most perverted older ladies that I have ever met. I put my arm around Bella's waist and pull her close to my side.

"See you tomorrow," I say.

"It was nice seeing you again, Izzy," Violet says.

Bella smiles at her, waves, and says, "See you soon."

And then we're outside, in the fresh air; free. "So, where are you taking me?" I ask.

"Well, I know the kidnapper is supposed to have all the sordid plans, but I only got as far as the stealing you part."

I laugh again and then lean down, catching her lips with mine. Because I didn't get the chance to do it before. Because I've been thinking about kissing her all day. I dart my tongue out to taste her, pressing it against her lips, and she parts them slightly.

I put my hands on her hips and pull her tightly against me. She slides her hands up my back and into my hair. I slip my tongue into her mouth and press it against hers before sweeping it through her mouth entirely. Glad she's finally letting me.

And then we both pull away, breathing heavily, and I smile down at her. "I've been thinking about doing that all day," I tell her and run my hand down her hair.

"I'm glad I could make the little fantasy come true," she says and I smile again.

I can't stop smiling when I'm around her. It's starting to hurt my face. "Can I take you to dinner?"

"Always the questions," she says. "You can take me wherever you want."

I feel my heart swell in my chest like a balloon. A really, really happy balloon filled with possibilities. And freedom. And something like comfort.

I drape my arm around her shoulders. "Alright. I know a place."

***

_For the first time I honestly understand Edward's constant checking with me. I glance over at him as I lean against my grocery cart. He eyes a couple of pieces of produce he doesn't seem to recognize and I laugh._

"_Are you sure you don't just want to head home? You don't need to stick around while I buy groceries. I promise I have this covered," I offer._

_If I subscribed to stereotypes I would owe him some kind of fierce physical thank you for tonight. I didn't think Edward had it in him to find an amazing off the beaten path Mexican restaurant. Complete with a menu in Spanish, which Edward was able to translate. And I don't care who you are, that's sexy._

_And how do I thank him? Drag him along to common errands._

"_I think I should probably start figuring this whole market thing out," he sighs. He picks up an overly ripe peach and I take it from his hand and place it back down shaking my head. How does someone enter adulthood and not know how to pick out fruit._

"_Yeah that might be a good investment. Lucky for you I am a fantastic teacher," I tease. I pick up a ripe peach and show him the difference; He squints at them like they're a Where's Waldo._

"_Why's your peach better than mine?" he asks. I chew on my lip and resist the urge to make him take a bite of each. Screw it, I'll pay for the lesson. I hold up his choice up to his lips._

"_Take a bite," I urge. He looks slightly shocked and looks around for someone who might stop this. I roll my eyes and laugh. He is always a little too worried about rules. I'll break him of that._

"_I don't think I should…" He hesitates. This is going to be harder than I expected. I bring my peach to my lips and take a bite. There was no way I was going to take a bite of his choice. I'm sure that if the produce specialist saw his peach they would whisk it away to the trash. I chuckle when the juice spills over my chin. I lift my wrist to wipe away the juice and then hold his peach out to him once more. _

_I watch, almost entranced as he wraps his lips around the fruit still in my hand. His lips seal around the fruit and he pulls his bite into his mouth. Instantly his face screws up. He couldn't see the difference, but he obviously tastes it. He coughs and I point to a trashcan. He rids his mouth of the fruit and mildly glares at me._

"_That was mean," he states. I laugh and offer the second peach to him. He shakes his head, burned by his first taste. _

"_I was proving a point. And you know this one is good. I picked it," I urge. I press it flush to his lips and his tongue darts out to taste the juice. He must like what he tastes because he takes me wrist in his hand and takes a large bite. The juice from his bite covers my fingers and I swallow hard. I'm pretty sure I shouldn't be turned on by this._

_All hell breaks loose in my mind as he then licks the juice off my hand. Ugh. All thought lost. All I can do is stare like an idiot._

"_Much better," he smirks. Damn him. Did that on purpose. I glare light heartedly at him and yank my hand and the fruit from him. I place each piece in separate bags. No need for one to taint the other. I begin to push the cart away from him._

_I should have made him go home. If that's what he can do to me when shopping for peaches I don't even want to see him in the bakery. I avoid the lesson for a while, simply plucking from the shelves what I need. Until I see that they've moved my favorite pita chips. I stand up on my tiptoes and reach, but my fingers barely graze the bottom. I pull my bottom lip into my mouth in a move of sheer determination and reach again._

_I almost have them when he presses up behind me and easily plucks them off the shelf. I settle back down on my heels and find myself pressed against him. My body squirms involuntarily and he groans a little. This is not happening. Not in my local Whole Foods. I pull away quickly and toss the chips into my cart._

_To avoid the obvious I begin rambling on about the difference between pasta noodles and the benefits of organic milk. He walks beside me nodding occasionally with a look of concentration on his face._

"_Your face is far too serious for this. It's only groceries," I remind him. I steer the cart into him slightly and he jumps aside to avoid contact._

"_I'm paying attention, Bella. This is my pay attention face," he informs me. I roll my eyes and grab a container of two bite brownies. I need an indulgence tonight._

"_It looks a lot like your pencil neck face and that's not allowed when we're together," I instruct. I watch out of the corner of my eye as he chuckles and grabs a bag of tortilla chips and tosses them in the cart. He is getting the hang of this._

"_Oh, sorry, are those ok?" he asks. I roll my eyes and push away from him. One thing he is going to have to learn is to stop asking me if everything is ok. What would he do if I said no? In fact…._

"_Nope. Awful choice, I cannot believe you even thought about disgracing my other food with that," I say deadpan. His face fights between two emotions and I wait for humor to fight through. _

"_Ha. Ha. I just don't want it to seem like…I don't know. Never mind," he sighs. And that maybe even worse than the original offense. He walks ahead of me and I push the cart up to walk beside him._

"_No never minds allowed. What?" I ask. I nudge him gently but this time with my shoulder and not the cart. He seems not to mind that as much. He runs his hand through his hair and adjusts his glasses._

"_Well, it's just like," he takes a break to sigh. "It's really not a big deal." I shake my head. The things he has to learn about me. I can't let things like that go. I am the biggest believer in honesty at all times. Even if it's meaningless honesty._

"_Why don't you let me decide if it's a big deal," I press. He stops next to the cart and takes hold of the side._

"_Well, God, I don't know. I guess I'm just not used to….rules," he finally spits out. Now it's my turn to be confused. Rules? Like what? Don't ask Bella for permission to breathe or buy tortilla chips? And lord, now he has me calling myself Bella._

"_Rules?" I ask. I can't have him harboring something that bothers him. Heaven knows I am going to be open and up front if he ever pisses me off, he should get the same privilege. _

_I wait for his answer and don't care that we are standing between the pizza counter and the wine and probably blocking other healthy shoppers' paths. We're having our first moment as a…more than friends and it deserves a pause. He takes his eyes off the cart and looks up at me in…. is that a blush?_

"_Do we really have to talk about this?" he asks. The pleading tone in his voice almost convinces me to drop it, but it's too late. I am committed to this moment._

"_Please?" I turn the eyes on him and wait. He swallows several times and takes a deep breath._

"_Hannah sort of just decided everything?" he says quietly, unsurely. "I'm just used to asking I guess."_

_That's it. If I didn't hate Godzilla bitch before she is officially entered in my list of people to recommend to hell. I tighten my grip on the cart and sigh heavily. When I force my eyes to his again there is such hesitancy there it makes me sad. I reach out one hand and stroke his cheek._

"_Well get used to making choices and sticking to them. I'm not going to tell your pansy ass what to do all the time, I don't have time for that," I tease. I'm hoping he hears more than the humor. I keep my hand on his face and rub my thumb over his lips. He smiles under my touch and I swear my weak heart skips a beat. I really am a 12 year old girl underneath it all._

"_That's good. Because I really don't like bananas. I don't want to eat a banana ever again," he states. He says it with such conviction that I smile. I glance down at the bananas in my cart and remove them, placing them on a table of cookies. _

"_Sounds good to me. I wasn't that attached to them anyways," I reply. I move him in front of the cart and let him push, happy to twist my arm through his and let him pull me along._

"_Maybe we should make some desert tonight," he says. I'm not sure why the simple use of the word 'we' is alternating between making my giddy and anxious. I nod against his shoulder and feel him shift the cart. If there's one thing this man has it's a good memory. _

"_Like, real brownies, not those premade ones. With ice cream," he adds. I smile at his enthusiasm. _

"_I hope you mean the kind in a box because while I am amazing at so many things, I haven't mastered homemade brownies," I admit. He chuckles and pulls two boxes of mix from the shelf. I eye both boxes and look back up at him._

"_I like eating the batter."_

_That's it. No asking if that's ok. I sigh in relief and latch myself back onto him as he pushes us towards the check out._

_There's an ease in being with him like this, like I almost can't remember when he didn't come shopping with me. Like he just slides into my life without having to shove or cut pieces off. It makes me hope that this is going to be fine, better than fine. Fucking fantastic._

***

We didn't put all of the groceries away. Only the things that needed to be refrigerated. I was too excited about the brownies.

And now Bella's hogging the mixing bowl in her cute little yoga pants. She has her arm wrapped around it protectively. I step closer to her, slowly, step by step, until I'm pressed against her side. I reach for it but she slaps at my hand.

I huff. "You're being a bowl hog," I tell her and stick my lower lip out. "I just want a tiny taste."

She looks at me and lifts an eyebrow. "Tiny taste? Is that all?"

I nod. "Just one," I say and inch closer to her.

She shakes her head at me and continues stirring the batter. I like this. This whole standing around in the kitchen making brownies and teasing each other thing.

"Come on, Bella," I say and lean in until I'm breathing in a combination of Bella and chocolate. Shit. Chocolate's supposed to be an aphrodisiac, right? At this rate, I'm not gonna be able to get my dick down until next week.

And then she looks at me and gives me this sexy little smirk before she dips her finger into the bowl. Uh-oh. She swirls it around, eyes still on me, smirk still fixed on her face.

"Just one, Edward," she says, and then holds her finger out to me.

And oh my mother fucking god.

I lean in until her finger is right at my lips and nod. "Just one little taste," I say and then take her finger in my mouth, sucking the chocolate off.

She stares at my mouth through heavy-lidded eyes and swallow. I suck the remainder of the chocolate off but don't release her finger. Instead, I close my teeth over it and bite down—not hard, but hard enough.

She gasps and I grin at her with her finger still between my teeth.

And then I release her and growl lowly. "That was…" I clear my throat. How the fuck am I gonna adjust my pants discretely? "That was delicious."

She just stares at me for a minute—eyes flitting between my eyes and my mouth—before she turns back to the batter. "Of course it was," she says finally.

I wrap my arms around her waist from behind and pull her flush against me. Fuck discretion. She should know how she makes me feel.

I dip my head down until my lips are right by her ear and say, "I really don't think one's gonna be enough."

She laughs. "Too bad you said 'just one' then, huh? Should've thought that out."

I pull her hair away from her neck and press my lips to the warm skin there. She breathes in sharply as I start trailing wet, open-mouthed kisses up and down her neck. "Somebody said," I whisper in between kisses, "that if I want something," her hand stills and she just grips the bowl, "I don't have to ask for it."

She doesn't say anything so I just switch to the other side of her neck and continue my assault. And then I put my hand on top of hers and guide it to the inside of the bowl. I cover her fingers with mine, curling all but the middle one, and then I dip it into the chocolate.

Then I pull her hand up again and take her finger into my mouth. I suck the batter off again, swirling my tongue around her finger, wishing I was swirling it around something else.

"That really is good," I say finally and then turn her around so that her body is pressed between the counter and me.

She takes a few deep breaths and then reaches for my hand. "Lemme try," she says and I let her do the same thing to my finger. She swirls it around in the chocolate and then brings it to her lips. And fuck me. Her eyes, big and wide, stay on my face as she sucks on my finger.

And then she releases me. "Yeah, I can see why you like that," she says and smirks before she twists out of my grasp.

I watch her walk to the cabinet for a pan and beat down the urge to push her up against the fridge. Deep breaths. She pours the batter onto the pan and then slides it into the oven. And I realize that I could sit and watch her do menial, mundane things for extended periods of time and not have a problem with it.

She sets the timer on the oven and then looks at me. "Thirty minutes. What are we going to do now?" she asks.

"I can think of a couple of things," I say and all of them have everything to do with forgetting the brownies and the timer entirely.

"No board games allowed," she says and leans into the fridge. Eyes up, Edward, eyes up. Then again, there's nothing wrong with appreciating the view if she doesn't know about it. She clears her throat and I look up and she's smirking at me. Caught, of course.

She holds up a beer with questions on her face. "Yeah, thanks," I say and take it from her.

"Let's go sit inside," she says and I follow her into the living room.

I sit down on the couch and she turns the TV on. I watch her as she peels her little sweater off, revealing a plain white tank top and lots of skin. I swallow hard as she comes and sits down next to me. I try to focus on the television but I can't pay attention to anything with her thigh pressed against mine.

I put my arm around her shoulders, liking that I can, and pull her into my chest. And then she turns into me and drapes an arm across my stomach and starts drawing shapes into my side.

"ESPN," I tell her.

"Predictable," she mutters.

I go to tell her that we can watch something else, but she'll probably yell at me again. And I don't want to get into anymore embarrassing details about what a spineless bitch I was when I was with Hannah.

I slide my hand from her shoulder to her neck and let my fingers slide up, tangling them in her hair as my thumb brushes back and forth on her neck. I want to kiss her again. Over and over again.

So I lean forward and cover her mouth with mine. I spread my palms on her back and pull her close to me. Her hands come up and curl over my shoulders.

I slide my tongue into her mouth and she tastes like beer and chocolate and Bella sweet. She sighs into my mouth and parts her lips wider, sucking my tongue inside as she leans in to the kiss. Her hands clutch at my back, twisting the fabric of my shirt, and the hungry little sounds she's making in the back of her throat are driving me fucking crazy.

I cup my hand around the back of her head, holding her in place as my mouth moves greedily over hers. I can't get enough. Our tongues tangle and now I'm trying to remember if I've ever gotten hard from just a kiss before. I don't think so.

I slide my free hand down the front of her shirt and close it over her breast. I can feel her nipple against my palm, through her shirt and her bra, and I taste her shocked gasp when I pinch it gently through the fabric. Her gasp turns into a whimper as I tease it, until her back is arching away from the couch and closer to me.

I slide my lips away from her mouth, across her jaw, and down the length of her neck. Her skin is sweet and salty and then smell of the coconuts is taking over my brain. I don't have a brain anymore.

I trail my hand down one side of her waist and catch the hem of her shirt on the way back up. I hear something rip as I tug her shirt up. I should slow down. Fuck. But sometime between the peaches and the chocolate and right this second, all of my self-control has disappeared.

And now, in the place of my self-control is a lust-crazed, out-of-control hedonist who just wants to rip her clothes off and shove my dick in her as deep as I can. I tug her shirt up over her head and fling it somewhere over the back of the couch.

I pause for a moment to enjoy the view. And, honestly, considering my huge lack of a satisfying sex life for the past few years, I'm surprised I don't just cum in my pants at the sight of her. Bella's leaning back against the cushions of the couch in her tight little yoga pants, and nothing on top but a black bra that barely covers her skin.

I stare up into her eyes as I tug the cups down and cover her left breast in my hand. I exhale on a groan as I bend down for a taste, meaning to tease her with my tongue, but instead I lose all technique and finesse and just suck her hard into my mouth. Her fingers twist in my hair, and the little shock of pain is enough to make my dick harden another inch.

I push her back onto the couch and use my knees to spread her legs, and even through her pants I can feel her heat as my stomach presses into the spot between her thighs. I suck greedily on her right breast while my hand plays with the other, stroking the smooth skin, pinching her tight nipple in my fingers.

Her breath is coming in short, hot pants, and she lifts her hips to grind against me. I align my hips with hers and begin a slow, circling counter rhythm. I close my eyes, savoring the taste and feel of her nipples against my tongue, the sound of her breathy gasps as I rub my dick against her, bringing her closer and closer to the edge. Her legs tremble slightly against mine, and her fingers grip my ass pulling me closer.

God, she is so hot.

And then a shrill beep cuts through the sounds of heavy breathing and smacking lips.

"The brownies," she says and scrambles off of the couch. I watch as she picks her discarded tank top up off the floor and throws it on over her head as she runs into the kitchen.

I collapse on the floor and cover my face with my arms. "Fuck the brownies," I grumble.


	15. Chapter 15

A/N- more and more of you are finding your voices.....and its making us giddy, giddy and also slightly greedy, cause who wouldn't want more of your fantastic reviews? so maybe, just maybe, you all can keep it up. for our sanity and for the sake of our growing trophy case :)

off-the-deep-end continues to rock our socks and keep us grammatically correct, the real one two punch.

so no comment on anything you all wanted in the a/n. so i guess i'll keep rambling and hope you keep pushing that little green button...

***

_There are a lot of goods and bads to sharing your bed. You hardly ever get cold, good. And, hell, I ran out of goods really fast. You usually stay up later than you normally would, bad (at least for work). That someone may occasionally use your toothbrush and or toothpaste, bad. You never have any time alone, mostly bad._

_Suddenly a firm flick to the side of my head jerks me from my sleep deprived list._

"_It's usually good when you mentally __prepare__ for these meetings," Angela hisses. I shake my head and try to focus back in on the donator rambling on about whether or not he finds our foundation worthwhile enough to cut back to eight cars from seven. Seriously? Who the hell can feel good about depriving kids of music so that they can have another car in the garage, gathering dust?_

_At least this one found it endearing to travel to our office rather than us being in his stuffy home office uptown. My leg fidgets as he whips out his check book. I can't even take an ounce of happiness in the fact that he decided in favor of the kids and that's how I know that this day is shit._

_I should have told Edward that pressing the snooze button actually slices my alarm. Maybe that way we wouldn't have been slamming into each other, in the painful not fun way, trying to get to work on time. And then he had a mini hissy fit about me putting on his work shirt from the day before and wearing it as a dress. _

_And it got worse from there. My Starbucks was closed for training, they don't need training, I like my Chai the way it is. And now this. Having to smile and stroke this massive ego when al I really want to do is snatch his checkbook and write checks to every charity that crosses my mind._

_He finally finds his way to the door and I lay my head down in the desk. Angela closes the door behind him and stomps back over to me._

"_I thought you and Edward worked things out," she states. I tilt my head to look at her. She should really focus on not frowning so much. I like her much better when she smiles._

"_We did," I reply. She purses her lips and raises an eyebrow. Ugh. I can't even hide behind my short sided answers today. Will nothing go my way?_

"_I'm just not used to this whole share my bed, having someone around all the time thing," I sigh. Her face creases in confusion. I turn my face back into the desk and try to release tension by tapping my foot manically. _

"_Sharing your bed? What the hell Izzy? Did you sleep with him?" Angela asks. I ignore her for a moment and channel all my energy into making the jukebox in my mind play all of my favorites. A swift kick to my chair and me landing on my ass kills that buzz._

_I glare up at Angela who now has her arms crossed over her chest._

"_Sleep yes, several times. Sex, no, not yet," I stammer. Angela's mouth drops open and she drops to the floor next to me. She places both her hands on either side of my face._

"_Iz, what have you done?" she whispers. This time I'm confused. Isn't this what she wanted? What they all wanted? Wasn't this the point of all those ridiculous interventions?_

"_What have I done? I listened to what YOU and Emmett and everyone else who couldn't mind their own damn business told me to do. I let him back in," I snap. I pull away from her hands and pout like a small child. You can't convince me that I am an idiot for not doing something and then scold me when I do._

"_I meant for you to let him be your friend again Iz, not to let him feel you up in the dark," she shakes her head. I feel my face heat up at the reference. It wasn't dark, most of the lights were on and the tv and…._

"_Really Iz? Shit. This was the last thing either of you needed," she sighs. I pull even further from her, pushing myself up off the floor and towards the window. I focus on the people below and the dog getting ready to defile a bike._

"_Because you know both of us SO well," I sneer. She slaps the ground as she follows my lead and stands. She comes to stand next to me, but faces me rather than the view._

"_I know YOU and I know how much you like this guy no matter how much you want to deny it and I know that he just got out of a relationship and that doesn't sound like a good combination," she adds gently. I hate how her words root themselves in my mind and begin to grow other horrible doubts. Suddenly all I can see is Edward looking at me with an angry red number 23 stamped on his forehead._

_I shake the image from my head and press my forehead against the glass. The past numbers parade in front of my closed eyes and I see each of their disappointed faces. I take several shuddering breaths. I feel Angela's hand press into my shoulder._

"_I'm not saying it has to end badly, I'm just saying that this seems a little fast. Especially if you want this to work. And I know that's what you want right Iz?" she asks. I nod my head against the glass. That hasn't changed. I do want this to work. Because the one good of having someone sleep over might actually trump all the bad._

_But things have been fast. Fast and at moments fantastic. Like the feel of his hands on me, not exactly something I want to move back from, but I should try harder. Think more about what this could mean. Actually try._

"_You wanna go get a drink Ang? Just us girls?" I ask. She smiles enthusiastically._

"_And celebrate that ass forking over the money?" she adds. I nod. This is what I need. A mental break from my obviously failing effort at whatever it is Edward and I are trying. _

_We walk out as the phone begins to ring and I gladly ignore. I am going to take a small break from reality courtesy of Patron.  
_

***

I'm realizing now how completely dependent I've been on other people for my entire life. It started out with my mom who did everything for me. If we lived closer to each other, I'm fairly positive that she'd still be cooking and cleaning for me.

And then when I was in college living in the dorms… ah, well, the girls at school literally offered to pay my roommate and I for the honor of doing our laundry. I know, I know. But we were in a band and well… girls in college love boys in bands.

After that, Hannah and I got together. And well, I think it's pretty fair to say that Hannah did more than my mother even did for me.

I walk into the communal laundry room in my building with a bag full of dirty clothes. It's just that I have no clean underwear to wear. And while I think it's okay to send my work clothes to the cleaners, I draw the line at underwear and Hanes t-shirts. It's just a waste of money.

So here I am in the laundry room at six o'clock at night. I figured this would be the least humiliating time to do this. Nobody does laundry at this hour. They're all with their families or whoever eating dinner and talking about their days.

I put all of the clothes into the machine and… well, now what?

I look around the room and scratch the back of my neck.

This is going to be an issue.

I take my phone out and decide to call Bella. Maybe at some point during our conversation some magical instruction manual or fairy cleaning lady will appear.

It goes to voicemail. Great.

"Hey, it's me," I begin and start opening and closing the cabinets in the laundry room. "I'm realizing exactly how incompetent I am. Not only do I suck at choosing peaches, I also don't know how to do laundry." I blow out a frustrated laugh. "Shouldn't there be instructions or something on these machines? Anyway, give me a call later. Maybe you can come over? Okay, well, bye Bella's machine."

I hang up the phone and open the jackpot cabinet. There are bottles of soap. Now I just have to figure out which one's the right one. I choose one finally and pour it into the machine.

Now what do I do? I don't think I should just leave it here. Not that I think anyone would really steal my underwear, but still. There's something unsettling about leaving my clothes here for anyone to find.

I sit down on the floor and take my phone out again. I guess I should call my mom.

I dial and listen to it ring and then she answers. "Edward! Hi, sweetheart," she says and she sounds slightly out of breath but happy—the way only a mom can sound. "How are you? Is everything okay?"

I close my eyes and lean my head back against the wall. "Yeah, everything's fine. I'm just doing laundry."

She starts choking and I laugh. "You're doing laundry? You know how to?"

"Ha-ha," I say dryly but feel myself smiling. "I'm learning."

"Well, good for Hannah. I guess she finally realized that doing everything for you wasn't a good thing."

"Actually, we're not together anymore," I say quietly.

"You're not? What happened?"

"It just… it wasn't for me."

"She was rather…" she pauses, trying to think of a word. My mom always tried but she never got along with Hannah. "Well, serious, Edward."

That's one way of putting it, I guess. "Yeah. So what's going on? How are you and dad?"

"Ugh, well, your father has developed this new obsession with late night infomercials. He keeps ordering all of this crap from the TV." I laugh again. "And I'm good. Well, except for the fact that I never hear from my only son anymore."

"Sorry," I say and shake my head. "Things have been kind of crazy here."

"Are you really doing alright?" she asks, the concern thick in her voice.

"I've been doing a lot better," I offer. I don't bother lying to my mom anymore. I used to try but she could always tell so I just stopped trying. "I um actually met someone."

"Already?"

"Well, yeah, Bella was sort of the reason I broke up with Hannah."

"You cheated on her?" she asks me now and I can hear about to yell at me. "Edward, really—"

"No," I interrupt. "I wouldn't. I just… I haven't felt the way she makes me feel in a really long time." I trace patterns onto my jeans and she's just quiet, waiting for me to speak. "You know… since before… everything. I just… well, Bella just makes me feel like me again."

"Just be careful, sweetheart," she says softly. "I'm glad to hear that though. I actually saw Jasper's mom the other day at the market."

I clench my teeth. "Yeah?"

"She asked how you were doing. Said they'd like to see you if you're up for it."

"We'll talk about it later," I say and push myself up off of the floor. "I have to put my clothes in the dryer. I love you." And I hang up the phone quickly, taking deep breathes and clenching and unclenching my fists until my heart stops racing.

I can't be in this room anymore. I need to go somewhere. I want to see Bella. I want her to call me back. I just… I need her.

***

_I stumble through my door and immediately drop my keys to the floor. I press my finger over my lips and shush them, immediately laughing at the action. This is what I needed tonight. I needed to get a good healthy buzz and not have anyone attached to my boob while I did it. I needed to feel like just Izzy again not Bella plus one. Not that Bella plus one is so bad, but Izzy has to be in a good headspace for Bella plus one to even have a glimmer of a chance._

_I make my way to the stairs and fall face forward instantly. Again the giggles as I push myself up. I should just drink constantly to maintain this little high. Nothing can touch me, even pain is funny. _

_On the third step I stub my toe and can't stop the string of curses that fall from my mouth. Emmett's light flicks on and I hear him pounding across the floor. Shit. Not good. I sit on the step trying to stay out of sight. Apparently the railing doesn't offer much cover because Emmett spots me immediately and glares down at me from the top step._

"_You know it's 2:45 in the morning right?" he asks. I think it's meant to be stern, but the sleep in his voice makes it come out lazy. I glance at my bare wrist and then back at him._

"_No?" I try a smile and hope it will help. He rubs his hands over his short hair and down his face before stomping down the stairs and lifting me from my spot. I let him carry me like a rag doll content not to do anymore damage to myself or to the stairs._

_He enters my room, the invisible boundary line having been long since smashed by Edward, and sets me on my bed. He takes a firm hold of my shoes and flicks them off not caring where they land._

"_Where have you been lately? You're never here," I ask as I lean back and let the bed suck me in. He lands on the bed next to me and I wonder how my bed feels about all these new visitors. He turns to me and the bed groans voicing its opinion. It likes me best._

"_I had this crazy conference upstate. Sucked ass really. In this dumpy hotel with no bar," he answers. I feel like that is something he probably told me before, but I was too busy painting my toenails or filling my IPod to really listen. I gaze up at the ceiling and really wish I had a fan. Something to distract my mind at this moment._

"_I'm going back to bed. Not all of us can be self employed and justify going to work like the lush they are," he groans as gets up off the bed. I toss my balled up sweatshirt after him. It misses and I'm sure he didn't even notice the effort. Just as I settle back and prepare to let sleep chase off my buzz he pops his head back in the door._

"_And check your damn machine will you? Damn phone rang all night," he insists. I glance over at the mentioned box and see the red light blinking. But, it's always blinking. Emmett's got a flare for the dramatic. I roll onto my stomach and reach as far as I can to hit the appropriate button._

_Edward's mellow voice fills the room and I smile at his plights with laundry. For someone so seemingly intelligent he's missed a lot of menial lessons. I'll probably need to teach him how to ride a bike next. His voice fades out and I sigh and lick my overly dried lips. _

_When the next message begins I can hear the difference instantly. His voice is tense, his words less sure, stuttered. Not a good sign. He sighs his goodbye and I glance at my clock. It's three now, but he said to call him later. It's definitely later._

_My fingers dance across the numbers and I hum a nonsense tune as I want for him to answer. I'm almost sure that he's asleep and going to miss the call, when I hear the familiar sound of a line picking up._

"_Hello?" His words are gruff and laced with deep sleep. I chuckle at the sound and the image of him still in bed, his eyes closed and wishing I had just waited until morning. _

"_Hey love, I just didn't want you think I didn't call. Go back to sleep," I answer. I pull and tug at the image a bit more, but I can't get the finer details to come together. I've never seen his place._

"_Bella?" He sounds confused at best, a little pissed at worst. I bite my lip. I should have waited._

"_What time is it?" he asks. There is rustling over the phone and I am sure he is answering his own question. I sigh into the phone and close my own eyes._

"_I shouldn't have called. You just really don't seem to like it if I don't call back when you ask, so I was trying to...be better?" I explain. At least that's what it's supposed to be. My buzz is fading fast and I wish I had something to bring it back._

"_Is everything alright?" It's an obvious question. Why else would I be calling in the middle of the night? Unless I was the clearly crazy person I obviously am. _

"_It's fine, fantastic. I went out with Angela and we had some shots and danced and it was great," I let myself gush. Because it was great and it's easier to focus on that then everything I was feeling before that first shot burned its way down my throat._

"_Oh," his voice sounds sort of rejected. "That's good. I'm glad you had a nice time."_

_Why do I suddenly feel bad for having a good time? I pull at a loose thread in my comforter and try to talk myself out of just hanging up and blaming in the alcohol in the morning._

"_Yeah, well I really don't want to keep you up. I'm sure you have all kinds of important pencil neck things to do tomorrow and listening to me ramble isn't going to help you get up in the morning," I try to laugh it off, give him an easy way out of this conversation._

"_No, no, it's okay. I want to talk to you. Wanted to tell you not to freak out if you see me wearing pinks socks and underwear. I messed my laundry up," He admits. I laugh and can easily picture the tortured look on his face when he pulled the one red sock out of his white wash. Next time I'll let him come here and I'll assist, mildly._

"_Well, only real men can wear pink so I think I'll be pretty ok with it," I answer. At least I am the only one that will see the underwear. At least I assume I would be. Who really knows? I am too chicken shit to ask. He chuckles and I am drawn once more back to my bed and out of my mind. _

"_That sounded mostly like a compliment. How was your day?" he asks. The sleep is rapidly leaving his voice as my eyes are steadily drooping. I twist my body towards the nearest pillow and pull it towards me. It smells faintly of him and I have to push it away to keep my mind clear._

"_It's 3 am and you're asking about my day? Go back to sleep. I shouldn't have called." This time it's not nearly as much of a request as it is a command. He should not be wasting sleep for small talk. I almost just hang up and don't give him another option, but my arm is twisted under my head in this slightly uncomfortable way and moving might actually hurt at this moment._

"_Bella?" I sigh as he calls me back once again._

"_Mhhhmmm?" It's all I've got at the moment. He clears his throat and I know he's about to say something that makes him nervous. He always does that._

"_I um…really would have appreciated it if you had called me earlier," he states. It's almost an emotion, almost anger or almost disappointment. I can't decide. But, at least it's emotion and he's not asking me if it's ok._

"_Why?" I guess the right response would be an apology, but I'm not sorry. At least not yet._

"_Why?" He repeats my words like they are redundant and I should know the answer. "Because we've been together every night and I was waiting for you. You could've called to say you had other plans."_

_Oh. This is where my lack of experience of being part of an 'us' comes into play. I've never been with someone who I really cared if they were hurt, but now I do feel sorry._

"_I'm not very good at this, this checking in. I'm used to just being able to do whatever I feel like doing at the moment. I guess I'll try to think more about you and yeah." It feels as lame to say it as it sounds, but the words are colliding in my mouth and coming out all wrong. Because even though I should want to call, I don't want to, this is hard. And the buzz is not helping._

"_It's okay. I should probably get back to sleep. I'll talk to you tomorrow?" his words are soft and resigned. And even though I'm going to, I don't want to hang up. I swallow several breaths._

"_Yeah, of course. I'll talk to you tomorrow. Night love," I all but whisper._

"_Night," he breathes back and then all I hear is the dial tone. I hold the phone to my ear long after he is gone and I'm angry. Angry that my buzz is gone and angry that talking to him has left me an ache in my chest. And this pillow is hardly helping. _

_I chew on my lip, suddenly unable to find the sleep that was chasing my earlier. My laptop's humming hiccups and I glance over at it. I roll my face into the pillow and inhale deeply. To hell with nights apart._

_I stumble over to my lap top and type in 'whitepages'. I feel like several kinds of stalker before I type in his name and hit enter. I can do this right? I mean we're, whatever we are and it's allowed for me to go over in the middle of the night. _

_I slip on some shoes and grab one of Emmett's sweatshirts before heading out the door. Sometimes I think that thinking would serve me well and then I think, to hell with it anyways._

***

Sleep just isn't in the cards for me tonight. It was hard enough getting to sleep the first time around. Because not only have I apparently become accustomed to Bella being next to me, I was also sort of pissed. So I tossed and turned for what seemed like hours before I finally got to sleep. And then she called.

And I just wanted to sort of crawl through the phone and pull her into my arms. Even if she pissed me off. It's weird because when I was with Hannah, I crossed my fingers for her to forget about me for just a night. But with Bella it just sort of hurt.

And now someone is knocking at my door. And I swear to god if it's Hannah on some sort of drunken rampage I'm just going to hang myself from the shower head.

I roll out of bed and drag my feet to the door. The last person that I expect to see is Bella, bleary-eyed, drowning in a huge grey sweatshirt, smiling ruefully at me. I rub my eyes. Maybe I'm hallucinating from sleep and Bella deprivation.

But no, she's still standing there with her messy hair and her cute little sideways smile. "Bella?"

"I know this may be crossing a line, if there is a line, I'm not sure, but I just… my feet were cold and they missed you?" she asks unsurely and peeks up at me through her long dark lashes.

And there goes my heart, swelling like a balloon inside my chest. Again. I feel myself smile and shake my head. "No, no lines," I say and push the door open all the way before holding my hand out to hers.

She places her little hand in mine and I pull her into the apartment, shutting the door before pulling her into my arms. "A million scenarios ran through my head when I heard that knock," I tell her and lean down to press a kiss to her lips. "Like maybe Marla next door lit her slippers on fire again, because she's always drunk and always has candles lit but doesn't know how to work an extinguisher. This was the last thing I expected."

"I'm kind of your stalker now," she says and puts her hands on my chest. "I'm just glad you were listed. What if I had knocked on the wrong door?"

I shake my head and realize that I can't keep this stupid, silly ass grin off my face. "Marla would've invited you in for a drink. Harriet might've called the police." I lean down and press another kiss to her lips. "Good thing I'm listed."

"I'm hoping that you'll let me stay? Here with you tonight?"

I cover the hand that's on my chest. "My feet were kind of cold," I tell her with a nod. "Besides, I think it'd be kind of rude and irresponsible to let you go home by yourself at this hour."

"Well," she starts and smiles up at me, "as long as I'm serving a purpose."

I smile back and lean down to kiss her again. "Come on. I know the foyer's nice and all but my bed is better." I guide her through the apartment and into my room. I'm nervous suddenly. Everything in here is so Hannah-fied and I haven't really had a chance, or the energy, to change anything. The crappy throw pillows are still on the made half of the bed.

She walks over to the bed and lifts a pillow up, quirking an eyebrow at me. "I never thought you were one for throw pillows. How metro of you."

I feel my cheeks burn and walk over, taking the pillow from her hand and throwing it across the room. "I've been meaning to get rid of these." I do the same with the rest of them. "Actually," I say nervously, wanting to fill the silence, "I was going to burn them and throw them out the window. But it didn't seem like the best idea."

"I vote for the window," she says and raises her hand in the air.

I laugh. "Fine. Come here." I walk over to the pillows I just threw on the floor and pick them up.

She's still standing by the bed staring at me. "Are you gonna help me or not?" I ask.

She chuckles and walks over to me, bending down to pick up three before straightening back up again. "Edward, maybe we shouldn't light them on fire."

"Just come on," I say and lead her to the fire escape. I let her walk out in front of me and she goes and leans against the railing.

I stand right behind her, wanting to feel her close to me before I put my cheek against hers. "On three," I whisper and we both hold the pillows off the railing. "One… two… three." And then we drop them.

She turns to look up at me, victory in her eyes, and I just start laughing. It starts off slow and then builds into that embarrassing laugh that I can never control and always brings tears to my eyes.

I put my hands on either side of her on the railing and drop my head to her shoulder until it subsides. "You have no idea how long I've wanted to do that for," I tell her finally.

She puts her hands on my face and says, "You should give in to those kinds of urges more often. It's good for the soul."

"It's you though," I whisper.

"What's me?" she asks with her cute little laugh.

I lean closer and put my hands on her hips. Who knows how secure this thing is. "It's you that's good for my soul," I tell her and then dip my head and cover her lips with mine. She steps closer and returns it.

When I pull back she's looking up at me and blushing slightly. "We should really try to sleep," she says.

I nod. "Come on."

We walk back to bed and I throw the covers back. "Are you keeping that sweatshirt on?" I ask her.

She shrugs it off and I swallow hard. She's only wearing a bra and jeans now. "Are you going to tell me what I can and can't sleep in?" she asks with a laugh.

I smile slowly at her and pull her back into my arms. "Well, if it were up to me you wouldn't be allowed to wear anything to bed," I say. "But you might get warm with me and the blankets and the sweatshirt."

She lifts an eyebrow at me. "Subtle, Edward. Do you have a t-shirt I can borrow?"

"You didn't return the last shirt you borrowed," I remind her.

"I'm starting a collection," she says with a nervous chuckle.

And isn't that a sweet thought? I smile and walk over to the closet even though I really wish she wouldn't put anything else on and take a lot more off. "This okay?" I ask and hand her a white t-shirt.

"Works for me," she says and pulls it on over her head. It stops mid-thigh. "I hope it's not your favorite cause it might become mine."

I smile and watch her shimmy out of her jeans. "You can have whatever you want."

She crawls into the bed and I follow suit. I pull her into me and feel okay, finally.

"Bella?"

"Yeah?" she sighs and I feel her feet rubbing up and down my calves.

"Night."

"Night, love," she breathes.


	16. Chapter 16

I walk out of the bathroom, towel around my neck in my boxers, and smile at Bella who rolls over and rubs her face against the pillow. "Morning," I say and walk over to my closet.

I liked waking up with her in my bed this morning. I liked everything about it—the warmth, the security, the way she wrapped her leg around my waist in her sleep. Everything. It took more strength than I care to think about to actually get out of bed. But alas, real life.

"You have work today?" I ask even though she didn't acknowledge my good morning with more than a soft, completely unthreatening growl.

"Haven't decided yet," she murmurs.

I turn and quirk an eyebrow at her but she just pulls the comforter up to her chin and closes her eyes again. I pull a pair of pants on but don't button them immediately. There's no use in constricting myself until absolutely necessary.

I walk over to my nightstand and pop open the Advil bottle. I shake a couple of pills out until the ring lands in my palm. When I look up, she's staring at me curiously. I feel my cheeks heat in slight embarrassment at being caught doing this.

I wrap my fingers around the ring and close the bottle up before slipping it into my pocket.

"Really?" she asks softly. "I thought after… you know what? It's none of my business."

I smile slowly at her and then lean down, putting a hand on either side of her head on the pillow until our noses are touching. "What if I bump into Julia Roberts in the street? You know she lives in the city now."

"I wouldn't wanna get in the way of that kind of obvious fate," she says and her voice is rough from sleep. "By all means carry on." And with each word, her lips touch mine lightly.

"That's thoughtful of you," I whisper and then dip my head lower, covering her mouth with mine. I take her lower lip in between both of mine and suck on it.

Her arms come out from under the blankets and wind around my neck. "You're a brave man," she mumbles against my lips and then pulls me closer. I bend my arms slightly and give her a curious look. "Going where my toothbrush has yet to go today."

I laugh against her and then climb onto the bed. I settle my knees on both sides of her hips and slide my hands into her hair. "I couldn't care less," I tell her and then press my mouth against hers again.

One hand gets tangled in my hair while her other squeezes my shoulder and our tongues battle for dominance. I press my tongue against hers until she recedes with a sigh and let's me enter her mouth. Her fingers rub my scalp and she wiggles slightly beneath me.

"Shit," I breathe out and pull away. "I'm gonna be late for work."

"So don't go," she says and the combination of her dark heavy eyes, puffy swollen lips, and low hoarse voice make something inside of me tighten. Fuck me.

"I can't," I say and shake my head but make no effort to get off of the bed. I'm sitting on my feet right above her thighs.

She laughs. "You can but you don't want to. There's a difference."

I stare at her and know that my mouth is hanging open and that I probably look totally fucking retarded. I don't want to? I laugh at her now and lean forward so that my hips are pressed against her. I press hard enough so that she can feel it through the blanket.

I lean in so that my lips are against her ear and breathe, "You think I don't want to?"

I feel her shiver from the assault of my breath on her skin and I feel her arch up slightly, pressing closer to me.

"Staying here with you is the only thing I want to do right now."

"Then stay," she says simply and traces her fingers down my chest, over my stomach, until she stops right at the waistband of my still unbuttoned pants.

"Fuck," I whisper and try to hold my breath so that I don't pant like a dog in heat in her face.

She laughs again and tilts her head up. She takes my earlobe in between her lips and I let the breath out in one massive _whoosh_. I'm done for.

"Fuck," I repeat and roll off of her, dropping onto my back on top of the blankets, breathing heavily. "I need to call in."

"You do that," she says and I see her curl up underneath the covers. "I'll wait here like the bad influence I clearly am." And then she laughs this crazy, manic, adorable little laugh and I know just how fucked I am.

I am so completely fucked because I don't care about anything but being right here, listening to this crazy girl laugh. I ruffle the top of her head and sit back up, swinging my legs off of the bed, and reaching for my phone.

"Hi, Violet," I say and feel a finger tracing slowly up my spine. "It's Edward."

"Hi, sweetheart, how are you?"

I cough when she slides her fingers back down and beneath the waist band of the front of my pants. I grab her hand and hold it still. She laughs loudly from behind me.

"I can't come in," I tell her and squeeze Bella's little fingers in mine. "I'm not feeling well."

"Is everything okay?" she asks and I hear the wariness in her voice because I never call out, ever. And now I've done it twice in a month because I'd rather be with Bella."

"Yeah, I just think I'm coming down with something. Will you let them know?" I ask, and Bella turns her hand over and laces her fingers with mine.

"Okay, you feel better. And say hi to Izzy for me."

I choke and she laughs. "Bye, Vi," I say and hang up the phone. And then I drop back on the bed, my head on Bella's stomach, and cover my face with both of our hands. "I'm found out. I'm gonna be fired."

"Quit being dramatic; if every man who called out to get some when he was getting some got fired, the world would be run by women."

I lift our hands off of my face and peek up at her. "I'm getting some?"

The blush spreads over her cheeks rapidly and then she tries to tug the blankets up over her face, but I'm on them and she can't. I laugh and kiss her hand.

"You think I'd have a less chance of being fired if I just told the truth then? Cause I can call back."

"Yeah," she says. "Call back and tell Violet you won't be in today because you'll be discovering the better parts of me."

I roll over so that I'm lying on my stomach and rest my cheek on her chest. "You mean it gets better?" I ask and splay my hand out on her stomach over this fucking blanket that just needs to get the fuck out of my way already.

She turns red again and smacks at my hand. "If you keep asking questions like this you might as well go to work. You're killing the mood here," she says with a small laugh.

"No," I grumble. "I'm not killing the mood. This fucking waste of space blanket is." And I sit up and pull it off of her quickly.

And then I'm covering her with my body and my mouth, because this has been a long time coming. I kiss her again—I don't think I'll ever get over the way she tastes, just warm and sweet and all Bella. And then I trail my mouth down her throat in wet kisses, stopping only to nibble on her collarbone.

"I love the way you look in my clothes," I breathe against her skin. "But this shirt really needs to be gone."

I trail my fingers down her throat and then over the collar of the shirt. I tighten my hold on it and then just tear it straight down the middle.

She gasps and looks down at me through dark eyes. "That was supposed to join my collection," she says.

I shake my head and help her out of it completely before I throw it somewhere across the room. "I'll give you another one," I say and then lean down and kiss her again. "You're so fucking beautiful."

I let my hand trail down in between our bodies while I continue the assault on her mouth, and cover one of her breasts. She squirms and arches up into my hand and let's out a soft sigh. I brush my thumb over her nipple and nibble gently on her lip.

I nudge my knee in between her legs and she rolls her hips against my leg. And fuck, I forgot she wasn't wearing pants. I don't know who would forget that. But yeah...

I switch hands and start twisting and pinching her other nipple until she's writhing and rubbing herself against me frantically.

"I want you so badly," I breathe out and slide down her body. Every gasp and moan that comes with every pinch and roll of my fingers is making my dick twitch.

She reaches down and traces the outline of my erection through my pants. I hear some deep growl resonate from deep inside of my chest. I pull my hips away from her, reach and dip my head down and clamp my mouth hard over her nipple. She squirms beneath me and low, animalistic sounds come out of her mouth.

And then I slide my hand down her stomach, dipping between her legs, and press my hand against the warm, wet fabric there.

"God, you're so hot," I whisper and then suck harder on her nipple. I push the fabric to the side and slide first one finger and then a second inside of her. She groans and arches up into my hand when I swipe my thumb across her clit, circling it. Teasing it.

I move up again so that I can kiss her and she slips her tongue into my mouth. I groan and suck on her tongue as I press my fingers in deeper, harder.

And then I move away from her mouth again, trailing down her neck, and over her breasts and her stomach. I slip my fingers under the elastic of her underwear and then I pull it all the way down her legs.

I grasp the backs of her thighs and hook her knees over my shoulders, opening her wide up to my gaze for the first time. And then I press my tongue firmly against her clit, circling it with firm strokes, before I add my fingers.

She moans, arching her hips up towards me. "That's it," I whisper against her, "make noise, Bella. Show me what you like."

"Deeper," she gasps. "I want your fingers deeper."

I slide two fingers deep inside of her, as far as they'll go, and clamp my lips down over her clit simultaneously. I feel her legs and arms stiffen and then I feel her tighten around my fingers. I press harder against her clit with my tongue, drawing relentless circles around it.

I feel her shudder as her orgasm courses through her. I slide my tongue inside of her for one last, lingering taste. Because she tastes good; sweet and salty and hot against my mouth. The last quivers of her orgasm flutter against my lips and I groan, unable to stop myself from grinding my hips in response. Fuck, I need to get inside of her before I do something embarrassing like cum against the sheets.

She's relaxed- boneless as I crawl up on my knees. "I need a condom," I tell her when she just follows me with her eyes and a lazy smile on her face. She nods. I reach into the drawer next to the bed and pull one out.

I push my pants and boxers off at the same time and slide it onto myself.

She stares up at me as I brace myself over her and position myself at her entrance. "Are you ready?" I ask her even though I doubt I'll be able to stop at this point if she says that she's not.

She nods and reaches up, pulling my face down to hers, covering my mouth in a slow, sweet kiss. And I start the first slow, deep slide inside of her. She's so slick, so tight, like a hot, wet fist clamping down around my dick with every stroke. I begin to move faster, pumping her harder and harder because of the tight urgency building inside of me.

God, she's so pretty, so responsive. Her cheeks are flushed; lips deep red and swollen, elicit all kinds of fantasies of having them wrapped around my dick. Her chest is flushed too, the creamy flesh of her breasts is rosy-pink as I drive her higher and higher. The smooth skin of her inner thighs slides against my hips as she wraps her legs around me, urging me deeper, faster, as her hips rock up to meet every thrust.

She's so close. I need to hold off a few more seconds. I wanna watch her, see her face as she breaks into a million pieces. I slip my hand in between us and start to rub her clit with my thumb.

My back arches and I moan as I feel her body clamp down hard around me, milking, kneading my cock as her second climax hits. Her nails dig into my back and send me hurtling over the edge. I come in a body-melting rush, in pulses so fierce I feel like I'm gonna burst out of my own skin.

I collapse on top of her, savoring her scent as I gulp oxygen into my lungs. After a few minutes, I realize I'm probably crushing her and find enough strength to roll to the side. I pull her with me so that she's lying on top of me and close my eyes.

Holy, holy, holy fuck.

***

_I should be tired after that. So tired that I would let myself drift back to sleep, but instead I can't fight the antsy that seems to have spread through me. A slow warm feeling that is keeping me from lying in bed like I want to be. A feeling that's nice and comforting and I almost want to kick it off like a heavy blanket. Cause I don't know what this feeling is, but it's making me need to move. Maybe it'll go away as long as I keep moving._

_I hear the shower turn on and can't help but smile. He's going to shower, again. In some small part of my mind I want to feel insecure like he doesn't want to smell our sex all over him for the rest of the day, but I fully intend on taking one when he's done. Just because, well, I like to be clean damnit. _

_His room is barren in the way that it says nothing about him. Everything is perfectly placed and perfectly matched and I feel perfectly out of place. I walk around letting my fingers trail over several surfaces tempted to make a mess if only so I can feel a little more at home. Even his dirty laundry is perfect, all ceremoniously put into a hamper. I have a hamper; I got it as a house-warming gift. Mostly I toss my clothes in its general direction and call it good._

_His closet calls to me and I fling open the doors and am unsurprised to find that his clothes are hanging neatly and yes, it's true, they are colored coded. I shake my head as I take it in. How does someone who lives like this find any appeal in a girl like me? I shrug away the unpleasant thought and pull one of his dress shirts off the hanger. He owes me one now anyway. I button it carefully and roll the sleeves several times so I can actually see my hands._

_I've always had a thing for men's clothing. When I was younger my mother was sure that I was a boy stuck in a girl's body. Horrible thought to have now actually. Just because I liked to shop in little boys Gap instead of wanting to wear all those frilly ass dresses. I still don't do frilly. _

_The hanger from the shirt falls onto the floor and I want to leave it, but can't desecrate the masterpiece that is Edward's closet that way. I kneel down and reach for it. My finger wrap around the plastic and I replace it on the bar. It looks sad and lonely without its shirt, but it will have to deal._

_I can still hear the shower, but there is nothing interesting left in here so I venture out. I push the door open and am almost instantly blinded by sunlight. Somehow I missed most of the apartment last night, but I'm not surprised that the rest of it seems to also be vying for a position in some decorator's portfolio. The main room is open with no walls between the kitchen and living room. _

_My eyes trail over every surface, looking for anything that represents the man who I have grown attached to, but find nothing. And then I see it. The only other door leading off the main space. It's closed and I can feel it calling to me. Instantly it's like the TV show my mother told me never to watch, I have to see what's inside._

_My breathing picks up as I near the door and I have to chuckle at myself. I'm acting like I'm committing a crime like Edward is going to jump out at any minute and catch me red handed. And what would he accuse me of? Making myself at home? I can only imagine the roll of his eyes if he saw me. The thought gives me courage and I grab the knob and turn._

_The door creaks and that damn ominous feeling is back again. The room is nothing. No paint on the walls, not furniture, not even a speck of dust. Just boxes. Piles of boxes sealed and piled neatly all over the room. I bite my lip and wonder if maybe he hasn't lived here long or if it's her things. The urge to back out of the room is strong, but not stronger than my curiosity._

_I step further in and walk around the boxes carefully, not wanting to leave any sign that I was here. They each have simple things written in plain script on them. Hannah- summer clothes, Edward-junk. I laugh at the second one and wonder if that was his designation or hers. And I'm hit with it suddenly. How recently there was a Them. And how this was their place. And we just… in their bed. I back into a wall and slide down it until I'm sitting with my arms wrapped around my knees. _

_I should have paid that yoga instructor more for that one session, or I guess paid at all considering it was free. I am getting more out of my breathing techniques than I could have ever hoped for. I can't move, but my eyes dance from one box to another and the message resonates. Him. Her. Them._

_This is what I get for snooping. I should have just left this door shut and rode out my post sex high, but no; I just had to open it. Slowly I slide back up the wall and try to force myself to leave, but there's another closed door. Why must I have these childish urges?_

_Just a quick peek that's all. I'm just going to open it, see more boxes like this and then force myself back outside. I take a deep breath and slide the door open. It's not boxes. It's nothing like the fucking boxes. It's Edward finally. This is where he's been hiding himself._

_I sink to the floor once more and just look at all the pieces that make so much sense. A well-loved guitar case takes up most of my attention. I run my fingers over the distressed leather and smile. I knew he was a musician. Most people don't have fingers and hands that can do those kinds of things. I pull my fingers away only to pull a large cardboard box towards me. It's filled with records, the kind that Simon would kill to have in his store. My fingers dance across them, exposing each one to my eyes and I can't help the smile that breaks across my face. This is where I fit in. In this closet. Lord that sounds wrong._

_I remember my boundaries just before I take a particularly worn Pink Floyd album and place it on the record player. But, I can't help that my fingers wrap around the strap of the guitar case and pull it with me out of the room. _

_Once bathed in the light from the main room I pull the door closed and make my way to the sofa. I'm hoping he won't care. I mean, this is Edward, he wouldn't care. I cross my legs underneath me and open the case slowly. It's a really beautiful thing. A Gibson. It's worn, but well taken care of, the strings in perfect condition. _

_I chew on my lip and stare at it for a while. A man's guitar is a very private thing in general, but so is a naked body. This rationalization seems weak especially coming from me, but I want to feel close to him. Close to the real him, not the one he tries so hard to pretend he is. So I pull it into my lap and just hold it for a bit._

_My fingers run over the length and the strings, but I don't dare to adjust them, there are some things you just don't do. My fingers tingle as I strum the strings and hear the perfect pitch fill the open space. My lips curl into a smile, but I bite my cheek to fight it back._

_The song comes easily. A slow haunting melody that is just begs to be played at the moment. And right then I feel more like his than ever before. More than when he was hovering above me just moments ago. Because this is him. I can feel it._

_And so I lose myself it that feeling, that moment, and the notes coming from the guitar that I'm not even consciously playing. The feeling scares me because it's different and I'm not in control and I don't even care._

"_What are you doing?" His voice breaks the moment and suddenly I feel even more naked then I am because in those words are more emotion that I thought was possible from him. I clutch the guitar to me and raise my eyes. He's marble, granite, rock, unmoving. His eyes are dead, nothing there for me to draw an explanation or comfort from. It sucks the breath right out of me._

"_I knew you were holding out on me," I reply. I try to smile, I really try, but the tension is thick and it almost hurts to move. He must feel it too, because neither does he. I hold his gaze and wait. Wait for him to make this better, but he just stares blankly at the instrument in my lap._

"_Where did you get that?" he asks. His voice remains cold and I swallow and lick my dry lips. I feel like he should know the answer to that question. I mean it is his. The terrible thought crosses my mind that it might be hers, but just as quickly it's ushered out by the surety that I know it's his._

"_I, was, um looking around while you were in the shower and I found it in the closet," I offer. I suddenly feel its weight in my hands and gently lay it back in the case, recoiling my hands quickly like it might burn me if I didn't. _

_He breaks the tension, but not by speaking. I can't take my eyes off of him as he crosses the room. I recoil into the couch not because I think he's going to hurt me, but because I have to fucking clue what is going through his mind. He leans down in front of my and gently snaps the case shut and picks it up._

_He walks determinedly towards the cursed door and opens it swiftly. I feel myself curl even further into the couch as I hear the sure sounds of him fixing what I obviously disturbed. The sound of the closet sliding closed echoes through the room and now I feel even more like I don't belong here._

_When he reappears he pulls the door shut behind him and takes on my gaze again. I want to look away, want to push out of this place and ignore the burning sensation in my chest, but I'm stuck, glued to this spot. _

_He takes several steps towards me before stopping like he hit an invisible brick wall. His head drops suddenly and he shakes it like he's trying to rid himself of an unpleasant thought. I pull his shirt over my legs not wanting to be even more exposed._

"_You shouldn't go through people's things," he states and I feel scolded. Suddenly I am the small child I was trying to fight off when I opened that door. I shake my own head and clench my jaw trying to keep my emotions at bay. The tears are just waiting to be called upon._

"_I'm so sorry, I just, God there aren't even words, I know I shouldn't have, I just… Fuckety fuck," I breathe. I can't even speak now. My chest is heaving and I just want to go back fifteen minutes and stay in bed. I find the strength to lift my eyes and he just continues to stare. Just as I feel the burn of tears in the corners of my eyes he nods and begins to make his way to the kitchen._

"_I'm gonna make some coffee," he says. Now I feel like I've been sucker punched. That's it? All that damned tension and emotion and he is going to make coffee. I take deep mouthfuls of air and try to calm my racing heart. He didn't yell and somehow that's the worst of the two options. Because even though it scared me shitless, that Edward was the one who played the guitar and the one I desperately want to know._

_And while this Edward is familiar, he's easy; he's only the beginning of what I want from him. Cause if I am going to do this, it's got to be everything or nothing at all._

***

It was perfect. It was all just so, so fucking perfect. I should've known better though. Nothing is ever perfect for people like me.

And she's all curled up in herself on the fucking couch looking like she's gonna fucking cry and I'm making instant fucking coffee.

But that's just… it's mine. It was mine. The guitar is just… I can't look at it without thinking about everything. And I saw her holding it and heard her playing it and the notes still sound the same but just so much fucking better coming from her hands. And I felt that little piece inside of me that died such a long time ago come back to life.

And it fucking hurt. It hurt the way it hurts when you come inside from the freezing cold and your entire body starts to thaw out from the drastic change in temperature.

It hurt because nobody else has ever taken the time to find it. Until Bella. Bella who looks like she wants to cry or run away and, damn it, she can't do either one.

I look up at her curled into herself in my shirt and see her wipe her thumb across her cheek and feel my hand tilt. I didn't mean for it to tilt just like I didn't mean for this fucking hot water to spill onto my hand. Just like I didn't mean to make her cry.

"Fuck!" I scream and drop the cup into the sink as I turn the cold water on. "Fuck, fuck, fuck."

"Edward?" And now she's standing next to me, peering over my shoulder to look at my hand.

"It's nothing," I mumble and shake my hand under the water, willing it to stop hurting. To make everything stop hurting. "It's fine. It's okay. I'm sorry. I didn't mean… I'm just sorry."

"It's my fault, I shouldn't have been snooping. Now let me see your hand. I need to know if Mr. Bump is going to suffice or if we need to visit Dr. Dick."

And she takes my hand gingerly in hers and I want to laugh and cry all at the same time. Please don't cry. "It's just… it's mine. It's not. It's mine but it's not—not anymore. And I can't… I just can't hear it."

I feel the tears sting my eyes as she presses her fingers softly against the angry red welt on my hand. Just like she's pressing them against the angry red welt inside of me. And fuck if it doesn't hurt. It feels good but it hurts so fucking bad.

"You don't have to explain, Edward. I shouldn't have opened that door. It's not my place."

"Don't apologize," I whisper and forget my burned hand and just wrap my arms around her and pull her close to me. "Don't apologize. You can go wherever you want, it's all yours. I just… I can't hear it, okay? I can't hear it. I'm sorry."

And now I just feel like the ultimate fucking loser, pressing my face into her hair and letting the tears slip there so that she can't see them. I need to go into my room. I need to hear the songs and just let it out there so it doesn't all just seep out into her.

And then, with either the best or worst timing, there's a knock at the door.

We both stop breathing as the ugly sound interrupts this moment. And then she pulls away and wipes the tears off of my cheeks. "Keep your hand under the water. I'll get the door."

When she turns away from me, something inside of me breaks. Because obviously she's not leaving, but it feels like she is. So I reach out my hand because I want to hold onto her and start following.

She turns around with a stern face. "No, keep it under there or I am calling Sean."

I nod once because, well, that prick is the last person I need to see right now and return to the sink. I wipe my face and let the cold water pound down on my skin, calming the burn, calming me marginally, but keep my body situated so that it's facing the door.

If I crane my neck I can see who it is.

And Bella pulls it open and, with all of my fucking luck, Hannah smiles tightly back at her.

"Well," Hannah says shortly, "I would say this is a surprise, but I always thought you were rather loose."


	17. Chapter 17

**hi everyone this is between the buildings. first of all, this chapter is completely un-betaed so forgive any mistakes that our .ever abeelich usually fixes for us.**

**second of all, i haven't gotten a chance to personally thank you all for the reviews. we love them and you all for the theories and the praise and for just liking the story in general… it means a lot to us.**

**anyway… i'm thinking that's enough for me. sorry about the delay in updating but we've been all over the place recently.**

**enjoy! and… as always… let us know what you think. :)**

There are moments in life where you really wish you could just melt into the floor. Sadly for me there have been many. Like the time I walked in on my mom and 459 having sex in the living room. I was six and was sure that he was trying to rip her in half. Or the time that Emmett decided that his little Emmett needed to breathe and then the land lady came by to pick up our rent check. And yet this moment beats them all.

I hunch my back and try to not make it too obvious that I am only wearing Edward's dress shirt. This is where my aversion to bras really comes back to bite me in the ass.

"Well I try to please," I say forcing an obnoxious smile. I glance over my shoulder at Edward who is still standing at the sink, he hand under the faucet. I know I told him to stay, but if there was ever an exception, this would be it.

"So how long did you wait before you skanked yourself onto my boyfriend? Or were you waiting around the corner when I left?" Hannah sneers. Wow. Pent up rage much? I mean I get that I am standing in what until very recently was her apartment in her recently ex-boyfriend's shirt. I get the skank reference, I do.

"Well, I had to pick up some condoms first so it took me about twenty minutes," I answer. Hannah's mouth drops open and I hear Edward snicker behind me. I may understand where her craziness stems from does not mean I am going to let her make me feel like shit. I'm pretty good at doing that myself thanks.

Suddenly she pushes herself inside and takes a mental assessment. I know she's looking for things I've stolen or moved, or who the hell knows what else. I push the door closed and wait for Edward to take care of this. Because as much fun as exchanging insults with the devil is, this is not my mess to clean up.

Hannah stops in the middle of the room, crosses her arms over her chest and fixes her glare on me. Why? I sigh and make my into the kitchen, fully intending on forcing Edward to at least open his fucking mouth.

I inadvertently hug the wall as I slide past Hannah, unwilling to find out if her rage has reached a physical peak. When I get to the sink I slam the handle down.

"I think Hannah wants to talk to you," I hiss as I push Edward towards his demonic ex-girlfriend. And then it hits me. I hope she's his ex-girlfriend. I slide down against the cabinets not caring that Hannah is probably currently judging my every move. I feel sick.

I just assumed that they were over, that he had ended things. But I was so damn worried about filling the hole he created I hadn't even asked. How did I not ask? And then, shit, we just started things up. Started all this mess up without even really talking it out. I mean, what the hell was I to him anyways? Was I his girlfriend? His booty call? Or just the girl he was screwing to get over a relationship? Lord, what if I am a rebound girl?

I can't even pretend to listen to the arguing that is going on just feet away from me. When did this happen? And the ring? The damned ring. He still has it, still carries it with him. That has to mean something right?

My chest rises and falls rapidly as I lose control of my calm. I force my eyes shut and bite my cheek. I slept with him. I let him sleep in my bed, MY bed.

I hear the door slam and then Edward's feet block my clear view of the floor. He nudges me, but I can't move. I'm frozen with all this holding me down. My mind slows gradually, but the damage is done. The seeds planted.

Edward's knees come into view and then his hand tries to tilt my head upwards. I resist keeping my eyes on the floor.

"Hey…hey, look at me," he insists. I look up at him. "You can stay on the floor if you like, but you're not allowed to sit on the floor and curl up and hide. You belong here more than she does, ok?"

His words are nice and somehow answer all my unspoken thoughts, but that doesn't make them right. I don't answer for a while, just look at his face. The slight stubble on his chin and a small scar hidden by his right eyebrow. I slowly let my legs straighten out and place my hands, palm down on the floor next to me.

"How can that be true Edward? You don't even belong in this place. She's the only one that really belongs here," I argue. I push myself away from him and avoid his reaching hands. It's the truth. She's all around us, even though she's gone. Her dishes, her decorations. Even if Edward may have bought them. They're all hers.

Edward falters and clenches his fists at his sides. He takes several deep breaths before meeting my eyes again and nods slowly.

"Maybe we can look into fixing that later then?" he suggests. Him and his words. Easy quick fixes and yet he doesn't say what I need him to. He doesn't tell me what the hell his, whatever the hell she is, was doing here. He doesn't tell me why he is still carrying around the ring. And he doesn't tell me why he keeps everything that represents him locked in a closet.

"We? What does that even mean? You and I as friends? You and I as fuck buddies? I mean Hannah was just here and, what did she want?"

The words fall unceremoniously from my mouth. I'm not one to make demands, I have a long list of things I'm not offering up. But none of my skeletons are going to be knocking on my door and insulting Edward any time soon. The words hit Edward head on and he recoils.

"Fuck buddies? You think we're fuck buddies Bella?" He spits. Once again the emotion scares me and I crave it at the same time. He stands quickly, his hands diving into his hair and then pushes his glasses up on the top of his head so he can rub his eyes. I'm transfixed by his movements. Quick pacing across the small space that is the kitchen. He then stops in his tracks and looks down at me again.

"Stand up Bella." It's not a request. I slide slowly back up the cabinets, my legs protesting against the motion. He takes my shoulders into his hands and leans down to be at eye level.

"We're not fuck buddies and we're obviously more than friends," he states. How does he manage to give me a straight answer and yet not answer me at all. I let my breath hiss through my teeth.

"Then we're what Edward? Playing it by ear? Having fun until you're all healed up? Don't tell me what we're not. Tell me what we are," I demand. I'm going to make him do this. Make him set the definition. Because my mind is too messy to pull anything good out of. His mouth moves soundlessly and I have a brief moment of clarity. Because there is plain in his face, written in the lines and apparent in the hunch of his shoulders. I did this.

I reach for him and he doesn't hesitate to step into me. I let my fingers run over his face trying to smooth out the lines I put there. His face relaxes under my touch and I find a small victory in that. He takes several breaths that I can taste on my lips.

"Do you really think that little of me?" His voice is so small, it wrestles my victory from me instantly. His hands slide up my body and rest of my face. I lean into his touch. Why the hell do I have to say whatever springs to my mind?

"Bella, I want to be with you. I wouldn't waste my time if I didn't want to," he says. I nod against his hands and feel a little lighter. I swallow thickly and just stand there, letting him hold me in place. My defenses crawl back into place and I smile instinctively at him.

"Well that's good to know, I know how much you charge an hour for your time and I wouldn't want to be billed," I tease. His brow furrows again and he shakes his head. I pull away from his arms and move to the bedroom. Suddenly Hannah is everywhere, her condescending gaze in every perfectly place pillow. I pull my jeans on quickly and reach for my purse.

I am back in the kitchen before Edward has even moved. I plaster the smile on and press my lips into his cheek.

"I just remembered something I have to do today," I say. It's not an outright lie. I can think of lots of things I should be doing today. Again the confusion on his face.

"I thought we were spending the day together," he replies. I smile again and press my lips firmly to his. I smile as the shock wears off and he responds. He opens his mouth and I slip my tongue inside. I take in his taste and the softness of his tongue. I'm going to need this to get through the day.

I press my lips to his in three quick pecks before pulling away completely.

"I'll see you later," I say. I am out the door before he regains his senses. It was a dirty trick, but I had to get out of Hannah's apartment.

***

God, what a fucking morning.

I don't even know what Hannah came here for. All I know is that she came and Bella left. And now I'm standing in the kitchen throwing these hideous bowls and dishes into a huge garbage bag.

Granted, this isn't exactly the most logical thing to be doing. I could go into the spare room and clean out the boxes that belong to Hannah. But I don't want to be in that room today. Not yet anyway.

So I drop the dish in the bag and take huge amounts of satisfaction in the way it crashes at the bottom. I was looking forward to spending the day with Bella and then she ran out of here like a bat out of hell.

I guess the truth is that I probably could be a lot clearer about my feelings for her. I thought I was being obvious but I guess not.

The thing is, I like her a lot. A lot a lot. More than just sex, more than just a fling. I mean, I want to be around her all the time. That never happens. I never want to be around anyone all the time—I don't even like my own company that much.

I move into the living room and wipe everything off of the coffee table into the garbage bag. I'm actually enjoying this. Maybe I can ask Bella if she wants to come shopping for new things.

After I de-Hannahtize the entire place except for the spare room, it's already been about three hours since Bella left. And now I have nothing to do. And I want to see her. I don't care if she said she has things to do today. I'll go with her. Hell, she googled me at three in the morning to find my address.

I slip my feet into a pair of sneakers and throw on a sweatshirt before I walk out of the apartment, garbage bag in hand.

I take the train up to Bella's but the ride takes longer than I have patience for but I eventually get there. I take the stairs up to Bella's and knock on the door.

Emmett swings it open and I think he sighs but I can't be sure. "Hey, man," he says and slaps my hand. "Come in."

I walk in and sit down on the sofa, tapping my feet, I want to see her. "How've you been?" I ask instead, because I like Emmett and don't want to seem like a douche.

"Good," he says with a nod and sits down in the chair across from me. "Izzy's not here."

Great. You know that feeling when your heart is racing in anticipation? And it's beating and beating at an insanely out of control pace? And then it just stops? Because you've been let down, because whatever you were looking forward to isn't gonna happen? That's how I feel right now.

Because I know I won't be able to find her until she's ready to be found. And it's not fucking fair.

Emmett sighs. "You two can't keep doing this," he says.

I narrow my eyes. "Do what?"

He rubs his legs. "I'm just saying that maybe you two need to work some shit out. Because this," he says and motions to the space in between us, "is starting to get annoying."

"Look, I came here to find her not to piss you off. I just need to know where she is."

"I'm not Izzy fucking 411. I know the kid's got her issues and I know that it's annoying when she wanders off without saying anything. But you need to tell her. Do something about it, because I'm not gonna be around all the time to do this."

And, you know, I get that he's irritated. He's completely justified in being annoyed with us. Because whenever I can't find Bella I complain about not being able to find Bella to him. And I'm sure whenever I do something she comes home to tell him about it. But the woman doesn't have a cell phone. I don't have any other options.

"Look, Em, I really appreciate what you've been doing for us. Seriously. And I'm sorry for going over the same shit with you all the time," I say sincerely, because I like him and because he's right.

"Listen," he says and leans in, elbows on his knees, "I'm going to tell you something only because I like you and I think this can work between the two of you, okay?"

I nod. It's nice to know that we've got his confidence even if we don't have hers.

"Iz needs shit spelled out for her," he says. "If you don't like something, tell her you don't like it. If you want something, tell her you want it."

I nod slowly despite my confusion. "And?" I ask.

"And I can tell you right now that if shit doesn't get straightened out, she'll do what she usually does. She'll freak out and start weaning you off of her until she has you proposing to some other chick. And I don't want to see that happen again. It hurts her and I like you."

I pinch the bridge of my nose underneath my glasses. What the fuck is he talking about? Why would I be proposing to anyone? I don't want anyone except for Bella. I don't get why this is such a difficult concept for everyone to understand.

"Are you suggesting," I begin slowly, "that Bella thinks that I'm not serious about this?"

Granted, I know what she suggested earlier but I figured it blew that fire out already. Crazy girl thinks that I'm the type of guy that would take someone like her as a fuck buddy. The thought is nauseating. I mean, the sex is great. But she's… she's just too good for that. Too, too good to be my fuck buddy.

Emmett nods slowly. "I'm just saying that she… she has a bunch of crazy ideas that you need to ask her about."

I sink back into the couch and drop my head back before I close my eyes. Why do I feel so fucking out of every fucking loop in the world right now? "What am I supposed to do?" I ask him.

I hear him stand up and walk away and when he comes back into the room, he holds a beer out to me. I accept it. "The game is on," he says with a shrug. "And we've got a lot more where that came from." He motions with his chin at the beer in my hand. "You can just wait here until she gets back."

I guess that sounds like a plan.

***

There are a lot of odd things we do for fun. Like strapping sharp blades to the bottom of our feet and sliding across ice. I lean into the railing above the ice rink and watch as a rouge skater breaks loose and takes out several other people like dominos. I shouldn't laugh, but I can't help it. They all flail around on the ice like beached fish. An old woman to my right glares at me, but I simply grin back at her. You have to find pleasure in the little things right?

She shuffles away and I let myself get lost in the never ending round and round that is the path of the skaters below me. The monotony fills my mind for a moment and I don't have to think about the fact that I am avoiding other thoughts.

I wanted to find someone when I left Edward. I wanted to lay all my problems out like fake designer bags on the street and let people take them away, but I couldn't. It seemed too easy this time. And the problems are laced and woven with my current happiness. It makes it hard to separate them.

A heavy sigh leaves my body and I rest my chin on my hands and bite the inside of my cheek. I thought about going to Simon again, but I didn't want him to feel like I was using him to hide and Angela wouldn't exactly be the warmest shoulder. So here I am. Pretending to be one of the many tourists enjoying the sites when in reality I'm trying to find the strength to just be with him.

It's harder than it sounds. I wish it were as simple as the will, because I have plenty of that. I want to be with him. I want to teach him how to do laundry and make more than ramen and maybe even put his musician hands back to use, but then I hit a wall. A wall with names and dates and faces. A wall I don't want to add him to.

Every time I think I'm pulling a brick loose and can see the light on the other side, it's shoved back in place. And it's not fair.

Anger pushes my frustration to the side and all I want to do is go back in time and smack my mother a few times. To yell, and scream and tell her exactly what her habits with men have done to me. To make her spend nights with me instead of them. To force her to show me what love is so I wouldn't spend the rest of my failed attempts trying to find it in all the wrong ways.

The tears run down my face and that makes me more angry. I wipe at them roughly, the cold of my hands making me shiver at the same time. Rational seeps in and I know I can't push it all back on my mother. Because I left her behind me a long time ago and everything since then has been me and my warped heart.

Another collision on the ice breaks me from my daze and I am forced to smile. This time I'm grateful for the clumsiness. And then I feel it. The tug, the pull, the need. And it gives me a little hope because it's not something I've felt with anyone else. It's something I've been able to keep at bay, but this time I let it flow over me like a midnight craving. I want Edward.

I want him to be standing here with my laughing inappropriately at the behalf of others. I want him to shove my hand in his pocket with his own and keep it warm. I push away from the railing and leave the laughing families and lights behind me for something better. At least I hope I can stick around to make it that.

The cold sting my cheeks and I walk faster. I reach the subway and I'm torn. His or mine? I want him, but I don't feel like I can just waltz back into his place and pretend that I didn't leave him high and dry this morning. For some reason I'm sure he'll want an explanation or ask questions and I don't think I can give them to him.

I head towards home resolved to fix it tomorrow. Everything will be better tomorrow. Tonight I'll let Emmett lecture me on the finer points of whatever the hell is most likely watching on ESPN. I'll argue just to piss him off and drink a beer or two. I can feel my back straighten.

The need is still there, but calmed by the promise of tomorrow. I work up a little chant in my head about this working and actually smile at most people who stare at me on the subway.

By the time I hit my building I'm all but humming feeling like I have solved a problem almost as pressing as world hunger. Well, obviously nowhere near world hunger, but in my little world, it's pretty huge. I throw the door open ready to yell something at obnoxious at Emmett and I freeze.

There are two bodies on the couch. Two familiar bodies. One being the overbearing roommate I was prepared for and the other has all too familiar natural bed head. The need screams out in victory, but the rest of me is torn.

Their heads turn as the door hits the wall and suddenly I realize that sneaking back out is not an option. I smile tightly at them both before pushing the door closed. Emmett switches the TV off and stand up doing an awful job of a fake stretch.

"I'm going to call it a night. Turn off the lights will you Iz?" he calls from halfway up the stairs. Traitor. I let my eyes burn a hole in the back of his head. He's going to watch the game in his computer instead. I swallow thickly as I feel the eyes still on me.

I take my time pulling my sweatshirt from my arms and hanging it neatly on the coat rack. I guess it makes more sense for it to hang then just fall to the floor like I usually let it. Part of my wants to make a run for my room and hide under the covers like the emotional child I am, but I swallow and force myself to meet his eyes.

I hate what I see there. I hate the uncertainty and the hurt. And I hate that there isn't a doubt in my mind that I put that there. Out last moments together rush through my mind and I feel cheap. I shouldn't have used a kiss to escape. The guilt rushes over me and I walk slowly towards him. His eyes take in my every move, but he doesn't speak and that makes it all worse. I reach the edge of the couch and stop.

"I didn't know you where coming over."

They aren't the words I want to say and more importantly they aren't the words I should say, but they're the mess that falls from my mouth and now I'm stuck with them.

"That probably has something to do with the fact that you're impossible to get into contact with," he answers. There's nothing in his words. No emotion, no inflection, nothing and it scares me. I look at the floor for a moment hoping the right thing to say might appear at my feet, but all I see is one of Emmett's rogue socks peaking out from under the sofa. Pig.

"I guess I should invest in something like a bat signal so I know when you're looking for me," I tease. I want nothing more than for this awful funk to lift from the room and for him to look at me like he did this morning before, well before I made an ass of myself and left. He rolls his eyes and the motion actually hurts.

"Oh, good. We've entered the joking portion of the night. Let's make silly jokes until we've convinced ourselves that nothing's wrong," he states. His words force me back a few steps. I don't know how to react to this Edward. He's obviously anger and not sorry about it. I want to feel an emotional victory for him, but I can't focus on anything than his eyes pouring anger out at me.

I take a shaky breath and swallow again. At this rate my mouth will go dry before I can actually respond.

"I'm not trying to make jokes. I just don't know what to say," I say because it's the truth. Because I don't have a good reason for why I keep doing this to him. And I'm not surprised he's mad.

"You could start with why you ran away and hid from me all day. Because I keep getting this feeling that you think I'm not emotionally invested in this, but I'm not the one running and hiding in zoos and playground or wherever the hell you were every time I get scared."

His face is stone, but his words are sharp. I want to tell him that I've actually been at the ice rink, but I don't think that's what he wants to hear. What he wants to hear is exactly what I can't tell him. It starts with my mother and runs all the way 1 through 22. And I'm worried that once he hears all of that he'll walk away like he should and this time I don't think I can just bounce back.

So instead of telling him I feel my anger resurface. He doesn't know why I ran? Cause I seem to remember Godzilla bitch and yeah, that seems like good enough reason. The words start to bubble over and before I can even censor them they spill over.

"You want answers? Well so do I Edward. I ran because your scary ass ex-girlfriend showed up at your door today when I was in nothing but your shirt and then she tore me apart while you watched. Maybe that's why I felt like I needed to leave. Or maybe it has something to do with that damned ring in your pocket," I seethe. It doesn't feel good. I don't feel relieved or lighter, I just feel low. His words start as a grumble and I almost want to place my lips over his and stop this before it goes any further, but it has to happen.

"Here we go with the fucking ring again. It's there because I need it. Not because I'm going to run out of your bed in the middle of the night and go propose to Hannah. I don't know how to make it any fucking clearer to you that there is nothing left between Hannah and me. Nothing. She came to pick her shit up and I'm sorry if she hurt your feelings, but Hannah has nothing to do with this anymore. You keep brining her back into it, not me."

I feel about two inches tall. Hannah was one of my barriers. Something that was keeping me at a safe distance from him. Making sure that nothing real could happen, an excuse. My breath shakes from me and I keep my back straight and my mouth tight.

"You need the ring? What the hell do you need an engagement ring for if not to propose? Don't make me sound like an idiot for assuming the obvious. I won't let you make me feel like an idiot," I insist. My resolve is crumbling along with my ability to keep my words angry. I glance up the stairs and wonder if Emmett is going to burst through his door and demand we shut the hell up, but knowing him he thinks this is healthy. What could be healthy about all this hurt?

His hands rub over his face, knocking his glasses askew. He sighs and his body slumps into the couch a little. His hand reaches into his pocket and I almost roll my eyes.

"The ring belonged to my grandmother, that's why I need it. And I'm not trying to make you feel like an idiot. Christ, Bella, that's the last thing I want to do. It's just there! It's comfortable, okay? I wouldn't even use it to propose to anyone with. Stop using it as an excuse for this. Stop pretending this fucking smudged, dented, bloody piece of metal is why you're running away from me all of the fucking time," his words are punctuated by him slamming the ring onto the coffee table. My eyes are glued to it. I want to know more. I want to know why he needs it, what purpose it serves, but I wouldn't dare bring it up again.

I pull my trembling upper lip in between my teeth and grit my teeth to hold back the moisture in my eyes. My knees go a little weak and I sit on the edge of the coffee table. My hand covers the ring and my fingers trace its familiar shape.

"What do you want me to say?" I ask because I am at that point. The point where I will say what he wants to make this stop. The urge to leave is so strong I have to fight it off constantly. That would be the worst thing to do and despite everything else I want to fix this.

***

I feel bad. I feel like a monster sitting here being mean to her while she stares at me with that look on her face—it's all sad and she looks like she can't decide if she should stay here with me or run as far away as possible.

She'd probably be better off running honestly, but I wouldn't let that happen now. I take her hand in mine, trying to make her see through the simple contact that I don't want her to go. That I'll throw that fucking ring out of the window and hold her hand for the rest of my life if it'll make her feel better.

It takes her a minute but her fingers finally respond and wrap around my hand. A peace offering. The conversation isn't over by any means, but maybe this will make it feel safer.

"Tell me what you're so afraid of, Bella," I say softly.

She shifts slightly and her eyes flit to our tangled hands before they come back up to my face slowly. "What aren't I afraid of?" she asks and a bitter laugh escapes her lips, a completely un-Bella laugh.

I squeeze her hand impatiently. I don't like this Bella. This Bella with the sad, defeated eyes. "Why are you afraid of me?" I ask, trying again, and my desperation is obvious in my voice.

"I'm not afraid of you. I'm afraid of me and what I can do to you, and if you really knew you would leave. You should leave." I feel my heart constrict in my chest as she takes a few deep, gulping breaths. Panic breaths. "You should want to leave," she whispers.

I narrow my eyes at her. "You want me to leave? Is that what this is?" And my voice comes out angrier than I intended it to. But she's practically sitting there begging me to walk away. And it hurts.

Her eyes water and her breathing speeds up and she takes my hand in both of hers, squeezing it tightly. "No, I don't want you to leave. I'm not that good of a person. I should let you leave, make you leave, but I'd never be that noble. Don't you get it?" she asks me, a combination of panic and sadness lacing her voice. "I'm going to break you."

I use my free hand and run it through my hair. What is this? "Bella," I say but she doesn't look back up at me. "Bella." My voice comes out more forcefully the second time and she looks up, meeting my eyes with weary ones. "What the fuck are you talking about?"

She takes her lip in between her teeth and the act looks almost painful. But then her breathing settles. She starts drawing patterns on my palm, gently, soothing all of me.

"Are you sure, Edward? Are you sure you want me? Because this is your chance. You can leave now and I won't hold it against you. I'd even try to smile if I saw you on the street."

And now I just want to shake her. I want to take her shoulders in my hands and give her a good, rough shake, because she isn't making any sense.

"I don't understand this," I say instead. "I don't understand what the fuck you're talking about. I don't understand why you don't get it. If I wanted to leave, I'd be gone. And you wouldn't see me on the street or anywhere fucking else. Bella, make me understand. Please."

Because I'm a second away from standing up and walking out of that door. Because if it were anybody else, I'd already be gone. Because I want this to work and I want to understand what is making her so fucking sad. Because I don't give a shit what the reason is. I don't care if she's delusional and convinced that she was Abe Lincoln in a past life. None of it matters.

"I'm sorry. I just want so badly to do right by you. To keep you from getting hurt. And the longer you're here doing the things that you do that make me feel so… whole, the harder it's going to be. It's like I'm toxic and I just don't… you shouldn't…" her voice trails off and then she's climbing into my lap and burying her face in my neck.

Her arms wrap tightly around me and her breathing is speeding up again. I run my hands up and down her back.

"Sshhh," I whisper, pressing my lips into the side of her head. "Bella, relax, baby." I hold her until she calms down again and then I pull away. "Listen to me. Are you listening?" She nods. "People get hurt. People get hurt every single fucking day. And sometimes it's an accident and sometimes it's not but either way it's inevitable. So, yeah, maybe somewhere down this line one of us will get hurt. But running and hiding won't prevent any of that."

I brush the hair back from her face and press a small kiss to her lips. "I don't want to leave. And I don't want you to push me away. I want you. I've never been surer of anything else. I want the good and the bad and even the hurt if that's what it takes, okay?" I push the hair back over and over because it seems to be relaxing her. "But, Bella, I need to understand. I need you to help me understand."

Her fingers play with the hair at the nape of my neck. "If you want me, then I want you. And I'll try. I'll try so hard not to hurt you," she whispers.

"I'm not getting an answer tonight, am I?" I ask and squeeze her sides gently.

"I'm sorry," she says and looks up at me through her big, watery, honest brown eyes. "Maybe one day I'll be able to say more, but I just want you to know that I'm going to try."

I nod and put my hand on her neck, brushing my thumb back and forth across her cheek. Because the thing is, there's not a chance in hell that I'm letting her give up. I can push enough for both of us until she's convinced of whatever she needs to be convinced of.

And because I know that people need secrets that they shouldn't have to apologize for. Hell, I have a ton of them.

"That's good enough," I say and pull her back in against my chest. I just want to feel her all soft and small and sweet against me.

"But, Bella? Tomorrow we're going cell phone shopping."

She huffs but it's muffled against my chest. "Fine."

I smile into her hair and then tilt my head down so that I can kiss the top of her head. For the first time, I'm realizing that she's all I've ever wanted. For the first time in years, I actually want something good. And I meant everything that I said—I'll take it all, the good and the bad and the toxic. I don't care if it hurts even though I'm fairly certain that it won't. Because I'm not letting go.


	18. Chapter 18

A/N Its been awhile. Too long really. We're SO sorry for the wait, but things like work and sun and well you know....they just don't wait. BUT if it makes you feel better we are chapters ahead SO (and thats a HUGE so) if you want to review there might be quicker updates. I'm just saying. It could definitely happen. As always we welcome all comments, suggestions and general swear offs :)

Off-the-deep-end continues to rock our world!

***

It's weird, you know, when you spend your entire life sleeping and waking up by yourself… or sleeping and waking up with someone on the opposite side of the bed, curled up as far away from you as possible… and then one day, or morning or whatever, you wake up with a warm leg sprawled over your ass and a soft arm draped over your neck.

And minus the whole sweating aspect, it's just the most amazing way to wake up. To feel all warm and wanted and comfortable first thing in the morning.

I scoot a little closer to her, trying not to jerk her awake, and reach out my hand. I trace a finger so softly over her cheek and try to hold back my laughter when I see the little bit of drool on her face. She's just so fucking adorable.

I tuck a strand of hair behind her ear, letting my finger trail down the side of her face, over her throat. She stirs slightly and I still. I don't want her to wake up yet. I want to just… enjoy this without any of the tension and the fear and everything else that was between us last night.

She was just so sad. So sad and so afraid of hurting me. As if she could possibly hurt me. As if I don't know about hurting people. As if the chances of me hurting her aren't so much higher than her hurting me.

I learned a long time ago about being afraid of hurt and loss. I learned that unless you stick yourself in a sad and lonely bubble, you risk being hurt every single day. I learned that you can try to protect yourself from it by distancing yourself emotionally from the people that you're too afraid to lose.

But mostly I've learned that for some people, it's worth risking. And maybe this is a little premature, but I think Bella is one of those people for me.

She groans this sexy little groan and rubs her cheek against the pillow before opening one eye. I smile at her.

"What are you doing up?" she grumbles and then closes her eye again.

I slide even closer to her, suddenly wanting desperately to feel her body against mine. I tuck more hair behind her ear and rub small circles on her scalp. "Just watching you," I whisper before I can filter the creepy stalker quality of my words.

Her eyes, unsurprisingly, pop open and I try not to laugh. "Seriously? Don't do that. It's just… don't."

And then she turns her face into the pillow and chuckles. It shakes her shoulders. I feel my smile widen as I slide my hand around her waist and pull her flush against me. "Are you laughing at me?"

"I'm laughing so I don't freak out," she says into my neck. "It seems like the better of the two options."

I slide my leg in between hers and slip my hand under the back of her shirt, rubbing it up and down her warm skin. "Don't freak out," I say and press a kiss to her ear. "I just think you're pretty."

She laughs again and my smile is starting to hurt my face. "Are you always this cheesy in the morning? Or is this just a special occasion?"

I laugh with her now and pull back so I can look at her face. "Bella," I say and shake my head, sliding my hands down again, over her ass. Because I can. She hums and presses into me. "It's always a special occasion."

"Then I think this occasion calls for breakfast in bed!" she says and rolls away from me. She almost gets off the bed before I grab her arm and pull her back down.

"I don't want food," I say and put a hand on either side of her head, knees on each side of her hips, and lean down so that our noses are touching. "Morning."

She groans. "There will be no kissing until I brush my teeth."

"That's okay," I say and dip my head, pressing my lips to her throat. "I can kiss other things."

She squirms and looks up at me through her big brown eyes. "I want to do something nice for you, love. There's plenty of time for playing. Let me make you breakfast?"

I put my hand on her cheek and search for her eyes for the reason why she might be pleading to get away and make me breakfast. "Does my breath smell?" I ask her.

She rolls her eyes. "Now you ask? Get off of me, you big ass, and let me play house."

I laugh and let her push me off of her. "By the way," I say when she's at the door. She turns around and looks at me, waiting. "We're going to get that cell phone today."

"You're still on about that?" she asks. "Are you sure it's not going to kill part of my charm? My illusiveness?"

I snort and throw a pillow at her. "Go make my breakfast, woman."

***

_I turn the tiny silver object over in my hands. It looks harmless enough. I glance over at Edward who is still trying to charm the salesman into letting us share a family plan. There is a small part of me that doesn't want to have this in common. To share something like a bill because it means something. Something more than just staying the night and wanting to see each other often. It becomes like a legally binding document._

_I leave the store, needing fresh air and a legitimate distraction. I blink into the sunlight and flip the phone open. The screen lights up and stares at me, waiting. My thumb takes over and presses in the only number I know by heart._

_The phone rings several times and I push through the crowd to an empty bench. The metal is cold, but the sun makes up for it._

"_Rebel Diamonds this is Angela speaking."_

_I smile at the formality of it all. Through the phone you would never know that we mostly come to work in jeans and the majority of our paperwork is organized using cartoon folders._

"_Hey Ang, it's me," I reply. I can hear the stuffiness hiss from her voice._

"_Where the hell have you been? You do know that you are kind of important to this mess? Like I might actually need you to show up?" she chides. Yeah, I probably should have shown up for work today. I chew on my lip and let the question go answered for a second._

"_Yeah, about that. Remember how you wanted me to get out of the office more?" I lead. She chuckles, but it's not light or forgiving. My mind beings to switch gears and enter work mode. I really should have gone in today. Even if it is Saturday._

"_True. At least tell me you are out doing productive things like checking the venue and dropping in on the caterers," she pleads. I glance around the street. There is probably a caterer around here, and we're only….29 blocks from the venue. That's close, kind of._

"_Sure?" I'm not sure if it's possible, but I think I can hear her shaking her head through the phone. I pull it away from my face and stare at it. It may actually have magical powers._

"_So if you're not going your job you must be with Edward," she sighs. I wince. Am I that readable? That can't be good. I knew this damn phone was going to suck away all my mystery._

"_I'm actually calling you from my new cell phone," I answer. I hear a loud crash and then a string of curses._

"_Ang? You ok?" Panic settles in and I imagine all the worst. The foremost image is a giant lizard crawling across the office._

"_Sorry, I thought I heard you say you got a cell phone; made me drop my phone," Angela breathes. I chuckle. There may have been a comment made, several hundred times that I thought cell phones were the unnecessary umbilical cords of society and that no one could really be an individual without them. Or something like that._

"_Edward made me," I insist. It's mostly true, but I can't lie. I'm already feeling attached to this tiny thing. Like a small friend to carry in my pocket. I'll have to name him…._

"_And you try to say that you're not attached. I call bull shit. You bringing your new limb to the event tonight?" Angela rambles. I can hear her multitasking through the phone. Probably because I am a lame ass boss and didn't come in yesterday, or today. I bite my lip and try to catch a glimpse of Edward still in the store. The last time I invited him it didn't go very well, but that was…then and I guess things are different now._

"_I don't know if he'd want to come," I offer. Angela scoffs._

"_Like hell he wouldn't want to. Is this the same guy who stalks the hell out of you any time you disappear for fifteen minutes? Trust me. He wants to come. And maybe if he's there you will actually concentrate and remind me why you are the boss and not me," Angela replies. She has a point. Maybe I could semi make up for yesterday with that. Let the event be the frosting to cover up the gaping hole in the cake. Besides I kind of like the idea of dragging him with me all over town._

"_What were those places you wanted me to check in on?" I ask. Angela lets out a little whoop and I smile. She lists off several places and I struggle to write them on my hand and balance the phone on my shoulder. I keep it there long after she's hung up trying to get the last details onto my wrist. It was a long list. A long shadow is cast over me and I look up to see Edward smiling down at me._

"_Saving trees?" he quips. I look down at my hand and my phone slips down into my lap. I hiss and try to grab it before it hits the ground. Of course I miss, but Edward catches it easily in his palm._

"_You saved Romeo!" I cheer. He raises an eyebrow and turns the phone over in his hand several times before handing it back to me. I take it eagerly and slide it into my pocket. Perfect._

"_I'm a little pissed that I didn't get to be your first phone call," he pouts. I roll my eyes. And shove him a little._

"_I don't even know your number," I answer. He places his hand over his heart and winces like he is in pain. So dramatic._

"_That's a little pathetic," he replies. This time I gasp in mock pain. I stand and talk away from him, easily keeping from his grasp with the crowd. I grin as I hear him huff behind me as his hand grazes my sleeve and I turn away easily. I'm half way up the block when he takes me arm and pulls me into a side alley._

_My back hits the brick wall and I can't help but grin as he pushes into me. He breathes down at me and I feel my heart speed up as he leans down._

"_Don't run away from me," he states. His lips press into mine before I have a chance to reply. I moan a little as his hands run up my sides and rest just under my boobs. The noise must encourage him because he moves that final inch and covers them with his hands. I slump a little against the wall as my knees shake. Damn hormones. Edward chuckles into my mouth as he abandons one boob to hold me against him._

_I use his arm as leverage and tilt my head up towards his mouth taking his bottom lip into my mouth and grazing it lightly with my teeth. I smile when he groans. His hand keeps grasping and I lift my leg ever so slightly to rub against his crotch. This time his knees falter and I chuckle._

_I shouldn't have done that. He attacks my mouth again, both hands holding my face in place as he pushes his tongue into my mouth. I reach around his head to bury my hands in his hair, holding him to me. I suck on his tongue taking his taste in with it. There is nothing else like it. Sweet and savory all at once._

"_Mommy, why is that man eating that ladies face?"_

_Edward pulls away and I look over just in time to see a woman glare at us before pulling her gawking child away. I look back up at Edward and can't help the laughter that spills out of my mouth. I laugh so hard, I have to lean on him to keep my balance._

_I wipe at my eyes and take a deep breath. Edward clears his throat._

"_You think the kid's gonna have nightmares?" he asks. I roll my eyes and take his arms, dragging him back onto the sidewalk._

"_If that's your definition of nightmares, sign me up," I tease. I wrap my arm around his waist and lean into his side. I should feel worse that we could have traumatized that kid, but I can't help but like the fire in the pit of my stomach._

"_So where are we going?" he asks. He leans down and his lips tickle my ear as they move. I shudder at the sensation._

"_I have some errands to run for work. For that event I told you about? The one that you are taking me to tonight," I answer. I bite my lip and duck my head, avoiding his reaction. The last time I asked and I didn't get the answer I wanted. So this time I took the guesswork out of it. After a couple minutes of silence I risk a look up at him. His eyes meet mine and he leans down to brush his lips across mine quickly._

"_I don't remember you telling me about an event," he says carefully. The bottom of my stomach falls out. I untwist myself from his grasp and take a sidestep away. I cross my arms over my chest and half expect to see him reaching into his pocket, but instead he reaches for me._

"_Will you stop pulling away from me? I just…don't have anything to wear," he stammers. I stop dead in my tracks. And several people around me swear as they avoid slamming into me._

"_That is the lamest excuse ever. No wait, second lamest. After a dentist appointment at 8 o'clock at night," I hiss. His eyes widen. That's right. Don't think I don't remember that whopper. He just stares at me and I stalk past him._

"_If you don't want to come, don't want to see me in my best moment, just say so. Don't make things up. I hate that," I yell over my shoulder at him. I don't care that several people are staring. I don't make it far before his hand is over my shoulder and pulling me back into him._

"_Bella, for god's sake, I told you to stop running away from me," he seethes into my ear. I twist in his arms. There is a part of me that realizes that this is childish and that adults talk problems out, but most adults probably don't leave their past lives hidden in a closet either._

"_I have things I need to get done today. If you don't want to help, don't want to come, that's fine, but I have to do this," I inform him. His eyes slide closed and he keeps me there in place. I watch the people pass around us and flash them an obnoxious grin. Stare away idiots. His breath fanning across my face brings me back._

"_I'd like to take you, to see you in your element, okay? And I want to help if that's alright?" The words are slow and full of intent. I bite my lip and think about challenging him, forcing him to tell me his hesitation. But I've had enough of being a street performer for one day so I intertwine my fingers with his and sigh._

"_I'd like that."_

***

I didn't want to say yes. I really didn't want to say yes. What I really wanted to do was run away from her and her hurt, accusing eyes. Until she started running away from me and then it felt like someone had my lungs clenched in two tight fists. So I said yes. I agreed to meet her here even though I know it's gonna hurt. Even though it's the last place that I feel like being.

The only thing that's keeping me from spiraling into a full fledged panic attack is her.

It was maybe the first time in my entire life when somebody else's feelings took precedence over my insane, uncontrollable fear.

I unravel my scarf and pull the door to the venue open. It's noisy with laughter and music and talking and my comfort level drops to a zero as soon as I step inside. I shove my hand into my pocket because even though I had promised myself that I wouldn't carry it around anymore for Bella, I knew I'd need it tonight.

I pull my glasses off and wipe them on my scarf because they fogged up from the change in temperature. I scan the room for Bella but she's small and there are too many people in here for me to be able to locate her.

I slip my glasses back on and start pushing into the crowd. I don't know anyone here so far and I just want to find Bella so that the anxiety will release from my chest.

I finally spot her standing by the bar with a drink in her hand and her head is tilted back as she laughs at something that guy standing next to her said. While irrational, I want to be the only person that ignites that kind of laughter out of her. And the arm she has wrapped around his waist is… well, yeah.

And then her eyes meet mine and she smiles so wide and so big and I feel my heart start beating again. She waves me over and I start walking slowly through the crowd towards her until I'm standing in front of her and her friend who's looking me up and down curiously.

"You made it, love!" she says and the smile on her face grows as she puts her hands on my shoulders and leans up on her toes to kiss me.

I put my hands on her hips and pull her to me for a hug because I need one more than anything right now. "I'm here," I say and nod.

And then the guy she was talking to clears his throat. "Iz," he says and she looks away from me.

"Oh! Sorry. Edward, this is Jeb. He's on the bill tonight," she says.

Jeb. Jeb the musician. He's wearing tight jeans, a button down white shirt, and a black vest. I swallow and nod at him. "Nice to meet you," I say.

"The two of you are…" his voice trails off as he looks back and forth between Bella and me.

"Together," I say tightly.

And then he grins and says, "Wow, Iz, no shit. He doesn't look like your type at all."

"Just because he doesn't look like you doesn't mean he's not my type, idiot," she says with a laugh and then she squeezes my hand once and steps away, towards the bar, next to him.

Well, that was really comforting. Jeb laughs again and puts his arm around her neck, pulling her close to him. "If you can keep this kid in a relationship for more than four weeks, all the power to you," he says to me.

I narrow my eyes. What the fuck is that supposed to mean? Bella looks uncomfortable suddenly and pulls away from him. She rolls her eyes and slaps his chest and says, "Shut the hell up." He laughs. "Get your ass on stage and make me some money."

"Aright, aright," Jeb says, hands raised in the air. "It was nice meeting you, man."

"Yeah," I say with a nod.

"I'll see you later," he says to Bella and brushes his lips against her cheek.

She turns to me then and says, "I'm glad you're here," before she leans up and brushes her lips against mine for a sloppy kiss.

But I pull away. Because I just met one of Bella's former… lovers? Somebody that touched her and kissed her. And I can't get the image of his hands on her out of my mind.

She frowns up at me and tilts her head to the side. "Since when don't you do PDA?"

Since that douche bag just insinuated a million and one different things. Since he touched you and probably kissed you at some point in a place just like this.

But I don't say any of those things. I just shake my head. "There are too many people here."

She pulls away from me and wraps an arm around herself. The knuckles on the hand holding her drink are white. I can tell I've upset her.

"You dated that guy?" I try for nonchalance but I probably failed.

"I guess you could call it that. He was my distraction for a while, but it was never… it wasn't the same as…" her voice trails off and her eyes scan the room. And then she starts fucking walking away from me. This has to fucking stop.

She turns around though before I can grab her and says, "Maybe you shouldn't have come. You don't have to stay if you don't want. I have lots of asses to kiss and you could go home." And then a painfully large and fake smile stretches across her face.

"I didn't ask for a fake smile and I don't need permission to leave," I tell her, my voice a low grumble. "I asked you a simple question. If you're gonna use some half assed excuse because you don't want me here, you shouldn't have invited me in the first place."

An older couple walks by and stops to congratulate her at the most inappropriate time. She smiles big and fake for them too and thanks them. When they're gone, she turns back to me and her eyes are dark now.

Well, good. I'm glad I pissed her off. I'm pissed off.

She grabs my arm and pulls me into a dark corner before leaning towards me. "I wanted the man I've been spending my nights with here," she says and jabs me once hard in the chest. "The guy who lets me rub my cold feet against his. Not the asshole you came as. Sorry if I didn't make that designation."

I grab her finger so that she'll stop jabbing me with it. "I'm trying to figure out where I fit in here. This… this is sort of uncomfortable for me," I say and motion to the club with my hand, grasping desperately for the words that will make her understand. "And he had his fucking hands all over you."

She rolls her eyes sharply at shoves me further into the corner. "If you want to act like a child, then stay here in the corner like one. I have work to do."

She turns to walk away from me but I grab her arm and spin her back around. I turn so that her back is pressed against the wall. "I'm acting like a child?" I lean in so that my lips are hovering right above her ear.

I wrap my hands around her ribs, holding her in place. "Is that what I'm doing, Bella? Really?" My hands slide down to her hips and I pull her tightly against me. "Because a child is the last thing that I felt like when I saw him touch you. And I definitely don't feel like a child right now."

She wiggles and squirms against me. "What do you want me to say, Edward?" she spits out at me. "You want me to tell you that I've never been with anyone before you? That I was a virgin before you? That I had waited my whole life for you to deflower me? You know that's not true. Just like I know there were others before me. Hell, the fact that I know that Godzilla Bitch was there before me makes it a small miracle that I let you anywhere near me."

She stops and takes a few deep breaths and I don't let go of her even though she just verbally slapped me. "Put away your little green monster; be that man who is mine. Please," she says.

I nod and lean in to press my lips against hers. "I'm sorry." I kiss her again, this time deeper. And fuck, I want her so badly.

Her arms go around my neck as she parts her lips for me. And then she's pushing me away. "You're okay? We're okay? Cause I really need to work now? And if you can handle it you can tag along," she teases and places a quick kiss on my throat.

"Yeah," I nod and run my hand through my hair. I need to get a handle on myself.

The next two hours pass by in a blur of endless hand shaking and fake smiling and drinking. Her smile never falters as she breezes around and charms everyone from people our own age to older men. They all fucking love her. Not that I blame them.

"Izzy!"

My head snaps around at the loud, deep voice that shouts out her name just in time to see her being scooped up in a fierce hug. Her feet are dangling and she's laughing and wrapping her arms around his neck.

"Put me down, you ass. When are you going to learn that I am not a toy?"

He laughs, a booming loud laugh, and presses a kiss to her lips before putting her back down. She smacks his arm and grabs for my hand, which was going for my pocket.

Fuck me, right?

I arch an eyebrow at her. "Friend?" I ask because I'm trying but shit this is hard.

"Edward, this is Chris—the ghost of mistakes of my past. Chris, this is Edward—my reformed pencil neck."

Chris throws his head back and laughs. And the sound is so obnoxious but she called him a mistake and me hers, right? I link my fingers with her and extend my other hand to shake his.

"It's good to meet you, Izzy's reformed pencil neck. Whatever the hell that means. And I am not the ghost of mistakes of your past. The ghost of mistakes of your past is that tool on the stage," he tells her.

And I laugh because, well, I agree.

Bella rolls her eyes at both of us. "Well, I've made a lot of mistakes," she says and shrugs. "It's all part of growing up, right? But I don't make mistakes like either of you anymore."

Chris feigns hurt but before he can respond, Jeb is clearing his throat into the microphone.

"If I could just have everyone's attention for a minute," he says and then waits for the room to quiet down. "I wrote this next song for a very special girl. She's here tonight—you probably know her- she put this whole thing together. Here's to you, Iz."

I feel Bella stiffen in my arms and then I hear Chris snort before he shouts, "Get on with it, Jebby. It's enough that we have to tolerate your music—nobody wants to hear you speak."

And then everyone is laughing and Bella is jabbing Chris in the stomach with her elbow.

Jeb laughs and shakes his head before he starts singing. "Earth to Bella, you think you've got it all figured out. Earth to Bella, everything you know is wrong (well almost). Earth to Bella, I see where you are not listening. I bear the burden of being that voice that let's you know we all grow old. And before you swim you've gotta be okay to sink."

Bella? That's mine. He called her Bella? I look down at her and she's shaking her head. Who the hell does this guy think he is? And why the fuck are my glasses getting foggy?

"Earth to Bella, the world can be an unfriendly place so hold your head up and do your best to save some face. It's not so hard, just undo yourself and see a second sun ascend."

Everyone claps. Well, everyone except for me. I take my glasses off and wipe them on my shirt. I feel like I'm missing something huge. Something that everybody else knows about Bella except for me.

"Fucking arrogant idiot," I hear Bella mutter. "Serious fuckwad."

"I'm gonna have to agree," I mumble back and nod.

"Told you he was a bigger mistake than I was," Chris adds.

"I totally have to second that," a fourth voice adds. Angela is standing behind us now. "Even if you skipped out on her birthday to go to a fucking Mets game. The shittiest team in this country."

He laughs and pulls Angela into another one of his huge hugs. "Where the hell have you been all night?" he asks.

She slaps him. "Hiding from you. Iz, I just came to tell you that I'm gonna head out now. I'll drop off the donation slips by the office on my way home."

"Oh, I can do that," Bella says. "You've been working too hard lately. Go home, relax."

"I can help you relax," Chris says and trails a hand down her arm. She slaps him again.

"You sure?" she asks Bella.

"Sure as shit. Please go home and be lazy so I can feel like I work harder than you even though it's a lie. Besides, Edward needs to cool off a little."

Angela pats my chest and gives me a sorry look. "You have better hair than him," she says and hands Bella the folder.

"I don't need to cool off," I say, because I can't think of anything else and because I don't need to cool off. What I need to do is break the douche bag's guitar.

***

_I can feel him brooding behind me. Yes, behind me. This entire trip he's been lingering just far enough behind that it would be hard to reach out to touch him, but close enough that I can feel the anger roll off of him. Maybe I shouldn't have invited him to the event. I knew that some of my past…indiscretions would be there. But I guess the optimist in me hoped that the planets would align and maybe one or two of them could hold their tongues. Obviously that was not the case._

_A heavy sigh trembles through me as I push open the door to the office. Things might have been salvageable if it weren't for that damn song. Damn Jeb and his overly romantic mind. Not that I would even call what we had romantic. I met him after a long night with my friend Jose, the bottle, and shortly after Jose's aftermath retreated I realized that Jeb was little more than a puppy looking for a muse. And I was a shit muse._

_I flip on a desk lamp and pull open one of the file cabinets. I leaf through til I find the Smurfs folders and then shove all the paperwork inside. There's a slight feeling of accomplishment in that act and for a moment I resent Angela for never letting me in on it. But the moment is fleeting. I'm sure I'll forget the feeling in a second and let her bask in it. She deserves all the little moments she can get._

_The slight high serves its purpose and I almost forget about my moping shadow. I turn around and nearly into him. He stands firm, no evidence of any faltering. I steady myself against his chest, but his hands remain firmly at his sides. Once my balance is regained and all chance of tumbling to an awkward heap on the floor is avoided I step around him. This is ridiculous._

_I make my way back to the door and realize that my shadow as stopped. I'm tempted to just lock his ass in the office, let him cool down and think about how it's only acceptable for 14 year-old boys to act like a jealous fool, not grown pencil neck men. The key is turned half way in the lock before I turn around to collect my mess. Because despite it all, he is my mess._

_While I take the few steps back to him I can feel my anger build up again. The past is my past and obviously them being idiots is why they aren't my present, but there are few excuses for my present. The evening flashes back through my mind like a horror highlight reel and I cringe when I think of who might have heard or seen or exchange. I was at work, the people who could very well hold my fate in their hands got to see the nastiness of jealousy and insecurity played out for free. And somehow I doubt any of them enjoyed the show._

_The moonlight spills through the window and wraps around his form. If I wasn't so mad I would want to take a picture. I cross my arms over my chest and resist the urge to tap my foot._

"_I'm all wrapped up here so I'm going to head home. I think it'd be a good idea for you to head to yours as well. Maybe take a cold shower, grow up a little…." I trail off at the end and almost feel bad about the bite in my tone, but to hell with it. Honesty is the answer right?_

_He doesn't turn to face me, but that doesn't stop me from hearing his snort._

"_We're back to that again are we?" he sneers. I step back at the venom in his voice. I steel my jaw, take two steps back towards him and put my hand on his shoulder. I try to turn him to face me, but there's this problem in that he's a lot bigger than I am. I dig my fingernails in a little deeper than I need to and he reluctantly turns. His eyes are hard and his mouth is set._

"_You honestly think that after how you acted tonight, while I was working, that I would want to take you home and sleep with you? Honestly Edward. You're a smart guy. Don't act dumb," I chide. It's condescending, but it works. His nostrils flare as he continues to stare me down. His eyes send an unwanted fire through me. Damn my traitorous body. He takes a step towards me and grabs my wrist._

"_You can't possibly blame me, Bella," he answers. My eyes grow wide with his words. Who else would I blame? The Easter Bunny?_

"_It would be hard to blame anyone else. Those two; they're just people who happened to be a brief part of my past, barely worth mentioning. Honestly I wish I could forget about them, mostly Jeb, but you…I expected more from you love, you're supposed to be better than them."_

_The words stutter past my lips coming more softly with each second. I take several deep breaths which is a mistake because it brings his scent that much closer to me, drowning me in his nearness. I take a step back and try to gather my anger. He can't get away with this simply because I can't control my hormones._

"_How could you?" And I really want to know the answer. He tears his eyes from mine for a moment and sighs. When he looks back up at me, the hardness is still there, but muted._

"_I saw these guys who were all so much different from me…and they all had a piece of you. And I know it's not realistic, but it just ate at me. I want to be the only person who touches and kisses you," he breathes. My face heats up at his admission. He reaches out and grasps my hip, his fingers molding into my skin._

"_You are the only person love. But you can't act like an ass when you meet people who have before. I'm not a saint. I've never pretended to be one. Can you handle that? Can you handle knowing that there were men before you? Because its part of who I am and I don't have the patience to let you have a fit every time one of them makes an appearance," I state._

_I stand tall with my words. I'm not overly proud of my 22, but they exist. They brought me here to this moment and he should appreciate that. Appreciate that they were part of making me what he seems to like so much. Even if what I am is entirely fucked up._

"_I can't promise that," he replies. And I feel another burn take over. I clench my teeth and my fists. Why the hell can't be just read me? Why can't he just see that I don't want those other men? Words fail me and yet he is forcing me to use them again and again. Well screw his way._

_I reach out and push him back a little. He stumbles more from the shock of the motion than my strength. I take advantage of his surprise and shove him again. He hits the edge of Angela's desk and glares at me a little. And I'll take it. Being a bully is too much fun. I don't give him time to talk, to react. Instead I shove his jacket off his shoulders and push it down his arms before throwing it behind us. His tie is next to go as I roughly tug it away from the confines of his collar._

_Once I have access to his chest I pull the buttons apart and press my palms into his chest. He hisses as my cold hands roam the expanse of his flesh. And then I dig my nails in, creating red paths as I drag them down his skin._

"_Can you feel this?" I ask. His eyes are hooded with lust and pain. I lower my head to meet his gaze. I press even harder, careful not to break skin._

"_This is me and you. No Jeb, no Jeb's damn guitar and no song. Just you and me. Because this is where I want to be," I state. His shirt falls to the floor and I dive in for his neck. His groans almost distract me as I suck on the skin below his ear. His head falls to the side and I suck harder determined to make my point._

"_And that is me marking you. Marking you because I can, because there isn't anyone else I want to wear my mark. Only you," I whisper in his ear. I lick the rim of his ear before pulling away to look in his eyes once more._

"_They are the past. And if you can let them stay there then you can be my now," I say slowly. I watch as his Adams's apple bobs slowly. I follow the motion and place my lips there next, tugging and biting on the tight skin there. I can feel his breath as he tries to keep it even. I reach around him and drag my nails down his back this time, loving the feel of my groan under my lips._

_I pull away and survey my work. There are several purple spots on his neck and the angry red lines my fingers drew are screaming out from his chest. I reach behind me slowly and pull the zipper of my dress half way down. I slip my arms out of the dress and let it fall to my waist._

_I meet his eyes and feel my heart rate race. With just a look, the power this man has over me; and he's fucking worried about two losers I went out with a few times. The cool air hits my bare chest and I shiver a little. And then I wait. Wait for him to return the favor, to take a hint, but he just stares._

_I reach out and take his hands and place them over my breasts. His breath hitches and I smirk. Men and breasts, works every time._

"_You want me to be only yours? Show me then," I tell him. This time he doesn't waste time. His lips are on my collarbone. I feel all the air in my lungs escapes as his lips suck on my skin. His teeth graze the skin and my eyes roll back in my head. He takes his time on the spot. Licking, sucking and no doubt leaving a nice mark. I keep my hands at my side, letting him have his moment._

_He raises his head and smirks at me, leaving me even more breathless. Then he ducks his head and starts in on the skin between my breasts. When his warm breath fans across the sensitive skin I can't hold back._

_I weave my fingers into his hair and press his mouth firmly against my chest. His arms wraps around my back holding me to him. My back arches into his lips and in this moment I feel like I could stay like this forever. Forget Angela and Jake coming in on Monday. They can just work around us._

_He pulls away and I whimper at the loss of contact. He raises his head and presses his lips to mine. I waste no time opening my mouth to him. I savor the taste of him in my mouth. Everything addictive with a trace of my salty skin. I tilt my head for better access. He pulls away and my mouth unconsciously follows after his._

_His lips then rest near my ear._

"_Mine."_

_The simple word sends shivers down my spine. His hands find the zipper at my back and then my dress pools at my feet. He stands and towers over me. I try to reach for his belt, but he bats my hands away, instead reaches under my ass and pulls me up, my legs instinctively wrap around his waist and he groans as our centers meet. He stumbles forward and my back meets the cold glass of the window._

_I should be worried about anyone below getting a show, but all I can feel is his hard length against me and the slow rocking movements I can't stop my hips from making. My hands trail down his chest between us and this time he doesn't pretest as I reach for his belt._

_He takes my bottom lip into his mouth as I work at his belt. He continues to suck and even bites a few times at my lip. Then I taste it, the coppery flavor, but I don't pull away. I flip open the button of his pants successfully and push them down. He releases my lip for a moment._

"_Mine."_

_Again he says it. I press myself against him roughly and he growls. I resist the urge to chuckle as he turns us and heads back to the desk. He lays me out on top of the desk and I briefly wonder what of Angela's paperwork we are about to defile._

_I prop myself up on my elbows and watch as he pulls my underwear from my legs. His eyes flutter up to mine as he presses his lips into my inner thigh, so close to where I need him the most. I whimper as he begins to suck and nip there. His lips move slowly upward, ever closer._

_His breath fans over me and I can't help but shiver and buck my hips. His lips get closer and his tongue darts out to part my lower lips. I shudder out a breath._

"_All fucking mine," he breathes and just his breath about undoes me. I grab his hair and pull him back up to my lips. I take his top lip into my lip and bite as hard as I dare. I pull him between my legs and press myself even closer to him. I keep his lips to mine and push his boxer briefs down with my feet. I can't handle any more of this dancing around the issue._

_His fingers trace down my body and I can feel him inching towards where I want him, but I want something else, something better. I pull his hand away from me._

"_I want you. Nothing else," I whisper. His eyes meet mine and then I feel him there. I press my lips then my teeth into his shoulder as he slides into me. There is nothing slow or gentle about his movements. I wrap my legs and arms around him and let him slam into me. The friction is amazing and his movements are stretching me in a different direction with every stroke. I can only be still for so long and I meet his movements._

"_I've been thinking about you all day. Wanting you all day. Like this. Do you remember the first time I found you here?" he whispers into my ear. I can only nod, too overcome by every sensation._

"_I wanted you then, right here, like this," he adds. I think about that first day and his shiny shoes, but then he thrusts again and all rational thought has left._

_Each motion has a tint of pain, but it only makes it that much better. I reach up and bury my hands in his hair and pull his mouth back to mine. Our breaths mingle in our open mouths and I suck his tongue into my mouth._

_The burn expands through my belly and I feel his pace pick up even more. A strangles moan works its way through my throat and I feel myself clamp down on him. He groans into my mouth._

"_Say it," he demands. He doesn't have to tell me what he wants me to say._

"_Yours."_

_The word is choked out, but it has the same meaning. I'm sure where his hips are meeting mine will have a mark as well, but it feels too good to think about the bruises that will be there later._

"_No one else makes you feel like this but me. No one else touches you like me," he tells me. His hands grasp my breasts and I gasp. His touch is firm, demanding, but fucking amazing._

"_You're mine now," he adds._

"_Fuck." It seems appropriate as I feel him spill into me. I clutch on to him, ignoring the sheen of sweat between us making it hard to keep a good grip._

"_No one else," I tell him, my slick forehead pressed to his. He nods. It's a small promise to make, no sacrifice needed. Because no one else has gotten this close. No one else has been in so much danger of being torn apart, but I can't let go just yet. It feels too damn good._

_He presses his face into my hair and takes several breaths. I turn into his touch. I whimper when he pulls away and props himself up on his elbows. His eyes meet mine and I smile lazily still weak from my release. Suddenly he flips us over and I'm laying on top on him. I curl into his chest and rest my ear on his heart. As corny as it is it just feels close. Like I can get any closer than we just were._

_He pulls me away and traces his fingers over my skin, over the bruises on my collarbone and between my breasts and then resting on my hips. I wince as his fingers press into the tender skin._

"_I'm sorry. Baby, I'm sorry I hurt you," he breathes, bending down to kiss the skin there. My brow furrow and I pull his face back up. Sorry? This again?_

"_Don't fucking apologize for showing me how you feel. Don't you dare," I warn. He keeps his eyes away from mine and takes a loose piece of my hair and twists it between his fingers._

"_How badly did I hurt you?" he asks. I sigh and hold his face between my hands._

"_How much is none? That was perfect love. It was what we felt. It was you and me, it was the best conversation we've ever had," I insist and hope he knows what I mean. Sometimes you don't need words to communicate. He finally meets my eyes and runs his hands up and down my back. And then the smirk. My whole body warms at the sight._

"_Well in that case, wanna go home and have a round two?" he asks. I laugh and slide of the desk, gathering my clothes. I pull my dress on and stop at the door._

"_You coming?" I ask. I chuckle as he stumbles around the room searching for his clothes. Just me and him. Just us. I can do this._

_***_

A/N- song credit is Earth to Bella by Incubus

For some reason I forgot to credit this amazing band originally


	19. Chapter 19

A/N- Ok so we hate to do this to you all, but you have given us no choice.....where are all you lurkers at? Cause over 60 of you have this bad boy on story alert so I know that you are reading (gives all lurkers the evil eye). So here's the deal hit that little green button on the bottom. Call it a roll call if you will. Let us know if this is still tickling your fancy and you'll get a little teaser (gasps) that's right a teaser. And believe me......you want to be teased. Sound good?

As always off-the-deep-end is fantastic and anyone who hasn't should move their browsers right on over to her story good bella bad bella cause its good enough to read before bed.

Enjoy!

***

I lost myself. In that moment there was only Bella and my desperate need to have her. That and the desperate craving to be possessed by her. We were just there in that office where I first met her and I was so pissed and I just lost everything: control, sense, everything.

I felt like an animal.

Nobody has ever made me lose control like that before. Ever. And I liked it after I was sure that I didn't hurt her.

It's sort of a catch-22 because as much as I liked it, I didn't. Losing control like that… knowing somebody can make you lose control like that; it's dangerous. It's dangerous because I can see myself giving her everything.

I lie back on my bed and pull the pillow that Bella slept on last night to my chest. The coconut smell is still on it.

I press my phone to my ear and listen to the ring. I need to talk to my mom.

"Edward? Hi, baby. Is everything okay?" she asks all at once.

I feel a smile twitch at my lips and press my face into the pillow before answering. "I'm good, Mom. How are you?"

"Umph," she grunts. "I'm trying to drag this ridiculous box of knives into the house. It weighs a ton. Your dad."

I laugh. "Leave it outside. Don't hurt yourself."

She huffs at me then. "Hurt myself? How old do you think I am?"

"I'm not saying that you're old," I backtrack and try to hold back my laugh. "I'm saying you shouldn't have to suffer for his infomercial obsession."

"Yeah, well, we all make sacrifices for the people we love. He buys things from TV at 3:00 in the morning, I make him watch at least one George Clooney movie a week. It's an even trade."

I press my face into the pillow and laugh for real this time. My mom has had a crush on George Clooney from the first movie he came out in.

"So, what's up, baby? How are you? How's work? How's the new girl?"

"Ah, I'm good. Work is work. How's dad doing?"

"Dad's great, Edward. And the girl? What's her name again" she repeats.

"Bella, mom. Her name is Bella."

She lets out a contented sigh in and I roll my eyes. Mom can be melodramatic when she wants to be. "And? How are things going? When do I get to meet her?"

I clear my throat. "One at a time, Mom."

"Fine. How are things going?"

"Great. Better than great, actually," I say and can't help but picture Bella in my mind. "She's fantastic. So independent and funny and adorable. I'm already in so deep mom."

Instantly I know I've revealed too much. I close my eyes and sigh.

"Already? That's quick Edward. And you just broke up with Hannah."

"Hannah and I have been over for ages mom," I say with a laugh. "You know that better than anyone. And Bella, she just, I can't get enough of her."

"Oh," she says and sighs with relief. "Good. So she's not like Hannah?"

"No. No, not at all."

"Oh, thank god."

"Mom!"

"Well, come on, Edward. I mean, I didn't want to say anything before but she was just… she wasn't suited for you. Not for the Edward I raised anyway."

I rub my forehead and sigh. "Why didn't you say anything to me?"

"Some things, sweetheart, you have to figure out for yourself."

***

_There is something mildly irritating about people being able to find you wherever you are. It takes away the freedom that the phrase "I was out" gives you. Because no matter where "out" may be they can find you. I glance down at my phone and its irritating message "3 missed calls" and promptly shove it to the bottom of my purse. It's probably sad that I find a strange sense of victory in that act alone._

_I refocus on the task at hand and flick my feet in the pool below. It's definitely too cold to be barefoot with my feet in the boat pond and most likely completely unsanitary, but those things are low on my list of priorities at the moment. So I dip my toes in again, shudder and enjoy the goose bumps that trail down my arms as a result._

_A little boy walks by and smiles, his two front teeth missing and I can't help but smile back. I can have this moment. No guilt allowed. It's the weekend so I am work free and I left Edward's this morning on good terms so I know he has no reason to be frantically searching the city and thus irritating Emmett. It's a good feeling. Things are going so well in my life. So perfectly that I feel like something is bound to go wrong._

_Something movie tragic like someone I love being run down by a rogue horse drawn carriage or my vision suddenly going. Something. Things can't be this good. They just can't._

_And that's the feeling that draws me to the one place in the world I truly feel like nothing can touch me. My own personal Disneyland. Simon's. My feet slosh around in my shoes, there was no time to dry them off when such comfort is needed._

_The bell chimes as I walk in and instantly I feel a little lighter. Simon glances up from the counter and waves me over. He's on the phone, but I hop up on the counter and reach behind it to look at the new order. He swats my hand away and I pout dramatically._

_I slide off the counter and browse through the racks, moving misplaced records and pulling ones I want to listen to._

"_You haven't been in in awhile," Simon calls to me as he hangs up the phone. I shrug. How long is long anyways? Wasn't he trying to get me out the last time I was here anyways?_

"_Does that mean things are going well with 23?" I don't miss the teasing in his tone, but I bristle at the words none the less. They don't fit. I won't let them._

"_Not 23, Simon. His name is Edward," I correct him. It's not til the words leave my mouth that I realize the fatal mistake. I have given him too much information. And in turn vocalized what I have been trying to avoid. Edward's importance in my life._

"_Edward? This one gets a name? Is there something you want to tell me Iz?" Simon's voice gets louder as he approaches me. I frantically finger through the records trying to find Simon & Garfunkel before he can corner me between the S's and T's. I ease around him and make my way back to the front of the store to the record player. I gently lay Bookends down and let it play._

"_So this one is different then?" Simon asks again, somehow right next to me. I chew on my lip and simply nod. I'm not going to do Edward the injustice of lying._

"_More than a number," I offer. Simon whistles lowly and leans back against the counter. I can tell he's weighing the options in his mind, trying to find the best way to weasel information out of me before I can escape his questions. The distant chimes of my cell phone somehow harmonize with Simon and Garfunkel and I feel my face flush._

"_I don't remember that being part of the song," Simon chides. I dig through my bag and pull out the offending object. The smile that crosses my face at the sight of his name even makes me a little ill._

"_Well, answer it," Simon pushes. I flip the phone open and before I even hear his voice I feel a little more at ease. All horse drawn carriages are under control for the time being._

"_Hey love," I answer. Because it feels right; because I want to._

"_I just passed a special on penguins on the animal planet and thought of you." His voice is different over the phone, it loses some of its warmth, but it still has the same effect._

"_Yeah? I'm sad I missed that. I'm sure I'll wander across it again, or Emmett will TiVo it for me." Emmett is obsessed with TiVo to a seriously unhealthy level. I should probably find him a support group for that…._

"_So what are you doing?" I glance up at Simon who is watching me with unnatural interest. I move away from the counter slightly._

"_Oh I'm just catching up on some musical therapy. Is TV your friend for the day?" I ask. I can see him on his couch, now happily devoid of matching pillows. I almost want to be there._

"_Only if you don't want to be," he answers. I gnaw on the inside of my cheek and glance over at Simon who is now failing at looking like he is not listening to the conversation by organizing something behind the counter. Edward's place is close to here he could be here in ten minutes. If I was ready._

_It would be a step to bring him here of my own free will. To introduce him to the man who has been the closest thing to a father that I have ever known. I take a deep breath and nod to myself._

"_If you don't mind being torn away from animal planet, there's someone I'd like you to meet," I offer. Simon's head pops up and the look is disbelief on his face is hard to miss._

"_Tell me where. I just need to throw on some pants and I'll be right over," he answers instantly. I chuckle to myself._

"_Why is it that you're not wearing pants love?" I really couldn't resist. He clears his throat and I laugh even harder._

"_I'm not sure exactly what the appropriate response is….so, um, I was thinking about you?" he answers. I double over as the laughter takes over. It really isn't funny, but just the thought and then Simon standing so close. I control my laughter long enough to give him the address and then snap my phone shut._

"_You have a cell phone," Simon states. I look at the phone and back him not humoring him with a response._

"_Do I have to remind you what you think about cell phones?" he asks. I roll my eyes and shove the phone back to the bottom of my purse before tossing the purse in the general direction of the backroom. No one else that matters should be calling, or even knows about the phone for that matter._

"_No I am very aware of the many lectures I have given on the evil that is the cell phone," I sigh. I distract myself once again with the record and skip forward a couple of songs._

"_And you have one of the evil machines because…." Simon leads. I sigh and face him. This is one of the easier questions I suppose he is going to have for me and I invited Edward here which means I opened myself up to this._

"_Sometimes it just makes sense for people to be able to find you," I offer. Makes sense enough. Just enough detail without any damning evidence thrown in. That is if I were talking to a stranger and not my pseudo father._

"_So you wanted Edward to be able to find you," he clarifies. I nod. Why lie at this point?_

"_Is there anything else I should know before this boy shows up here?" Simon asks. I chew on my cheek and glance at the door. Any time now._

"_I'm not really sure what I'm doing, but I know that I don't want to him to leave any time soon," I answer hesitantly. Simon nods._

"_So I should be nice to this kid," he states._

"_Please," I reply. He nods and the chimes on the door ring. Showtime. I glance over at the door to see Edward looking around in a mixture of awe and fear. Suddenly the forbidden closet races to the front of my mind. Maybe this wasn't such a good idea._

_His eyes finally meet mine and I smile and meet him halfway. I trail my hand down his arm before linking my fingers with his. It's the most PDA I'm going to give in front of Simon._

"_Thanks for coming. I know how hard it is to resist the call of pantless channel surfing," I tease hoping to lighten the mood. He shrugs and I watch as his eyes dart around the store not resting in any one place for too long. When his eyes finally come back to me I can't read what's there._

"_It's pointless when everything reminds me of you. Thanks for answering your phone by the way. I'm surprised you remembered to charge it," he rambles. I roll my eyes._

"_Despite the fact that I hadn't previously owned one doesn't mean I don't know how they work," I state. I glance over at Simon who is watching us with a careful smile on his face._

"_So I wanted you to meet Simon," I inform him, pulling him towards the counter. He follows easier, still lost in the store and maybe something else._

"_Simon this is my Edward and Edward this is Simon, the man who pretends to be my father," I offer. They both exchange glances and for a moment I worry that they're going to have it out, but then Simon grins and offers his hand._

"_It's nice to meet the kid who has finally tied Izzy down to a cell phone," he smiles. Thank you Simon. But all my anger subsides as Edward laughs and takes his hand._

"_It was probably the most difficult thing I've ever had to do. It's nice to meet you," Edward answers. I can't help my jaw from falling open. Are they bonding over faulting me?_

"_I'm sure it was no small deed. You should be rewarded. Pick out anyone album in the store, on me," Simon offers. Simon doesn't give free music to anyone. Except me._

"_Ah thanks," Edward answers, but he doesn't do straight for the stacks like I do when offered. Instead he keeps his hand in mine and his focus on Simon. I'm almost tempted to pick one out for him._

"_How long have you been here?" he asks Simon. I begin to trace patterns on the countertop. They obviously are more into each other than me._

"_You're going to make me feel like the old man I am. We opened in 71," he answers. I can hear the pride in his voice even if he acts like it's a bad thing._

"_Best damn record store in the city," I add boastfully. I can do that, he's my, well he's my Simon._

"_Probably the only record store in the city at this point Iz," he corrects. I roll my eyes and lean a little on Edward; I just need a little more than his hand. The warmth of his body radiates into mine and I feel my shoulders relax a little._

"_That's pretty damn cool. You know…I've, um, been looking for Bob Dylan's Bringing It All Back Home for forever," Edward states and my mouth literally falls open. Is he really going to talk music with Simon? After avoiding it so thoroughly with me. Simon clicks his tongue and disappears in the back for a minute before emerging with the album. Edward shakes his head and laughs._

"_You don't come across these very often, but I keep good ones like this in the back for special customers. You've got good taste kid," Simon says as he passes Edward the record. Edward takes it almost reverently and turns it over in his hands a few times._

"_I'm going to pay for this by the way," he adds. Simon shakes his head and holds up his hands._

"_I owe you a record. Give me Iz's number and we'll call it even. It'll be good to be able to check in on that free spirit every once in awhile," Simon answers. I feel by brow crease. When did I cease to exist here? I try to pull away from Edward to show my distaste, but he holds tight._

"_So you a musician? Not many of the common folk appreciate vintage Dylan," Simon offers. I feel my breath hitch as I wait for his answer. I have guessed at the answer and even though the closet confirmed it to an extent, he's never said anything close to an answer. He squeezes my hand like he can feel my apprehension._

"_I used to play…no time for it really anymore," he answers simply. Is that his answer? Because he has time to surf animal planet and chase me around the city, but not play? Bullshit._

"_That's a pity man. I know what it's like to be taken from the music and it's not pretty. You should make the time. I know Iz here would gladly share you. She has a thing for musicians," Simon says and I feel my face hit an all time red record. Damn him. And now I know why most people avoid having their, others, meet their parents. Moments like this. At least there are no photo albums in the back to be broken out. I'm not even sure Renee has a photo album…_

"_Well," Edward smirks," Maybe I'd be better off staying away from the guitar if her exes are any indication of anything." He leans down and kisses my cheek, but I pull away feeling patronized rather than cared for._

_He and Simon both laugh like they are in on some fucking inside joke and I am regretting arranging this get together._

"_Yeah number 17 was something else," Simon chuckles. And he would know Jeb's number. Edward glances at me with confusion and suddenly I feel the urge to leave._

"_Well, we'd better get going. I don't want to keep you from customers and Edward has a date with his TV," I announce. Edward and Simon look around the empty store before I begin to tug Edward towards the exit._

"_Bella, my record!" Edward chastises, "At least let me say thank you and good bye."_

"_Yes BELLA. Don't be rude," Simon states. I roll my eyes._

"_Thanks so much Simon. It's always nice to be reminded that music is greater than all things. Even the pull of women," I tease. Edward returns from the counter and pulls me into him. His lips lower and I turn my head so he gets my cheek. He laughs._

"_You're fucking great," he states lowly, out of Simon's earshot._

"_Thanks again Simon," he calls as we leave._

"_Not a problem. Force her to bring you back again," Simon answers. I flip him off as we walk out._

"_Better than Dylan?" I test. He chuckles and pulls me into his side._

"_Well, I definitely wouldn't kiss Dylan," he answers. I give him a small shove._

"_Or do anything dirty with Dylan and I doubt Dylan would ever have me running around the botanical gardens looking at orchids, so yeah, way better than Dylan," he finishes. And just like that with those words I'm happy. And that's why I'm worried. It's never this easy. I'm buying a rabbits foot._

***

"Y'okay, Emmett?" I ask because he's been sitting there drinking his Corona silently for five minutes. And silent Emmett is just really weird.

"He's doing that thinking thing again," Angela says and shudders dramatically. "Scary things happen when Emmett thinks."

He shoots her a dirty look before turning his attention back to me. I put my arm around Bella's shoulders and pull her into me. Because I can.

"I was just wondering…" he takes a long drink from his beer before continuing. "If you film yourself fucking a girl without her knowing, do you think you can get in trouble?"

"Obviously, dip shit," Angela says. "And how many times do I have to tell you that saying whatever comes into your head isn't a good idea?"

Bella laughs. Emmett laughs. So I laugh. "How many times do I have to tell you that it really turns me on when you talk to me like that?"

"So… why were you thinking about that?" I ask.

Bella and Angela groan and Emmett laughs again. "I guess it's a good thing that I recorded over it."

Angela slaps his arm hard. "You're disgusting."

"I wasn't the one having the sex!" he exclaims as if that makes it better. "I just placed the camera."

"I'm gonna go get another round of drinks," I say, shaking my head. "Who wants?" Three hands go up in the air. I look at Bella. "You wanna come with me?"

She's been unusually quiet all night and I just want to make sure she's okay. She nods and stands next to me. "Same drinks, right?" I ask Emmett and Angela who are arguing again.

They nod without looking at me. "Come on," I say and put my arm around Bella's waist, pulling her with me. I dip my head so that my lips are next to her ear. "Is everything okay?"

"I'm just letting other people have there moment in the sun," she says and then leans up and presses her lips to mine. "I'm dandy. Promise."

I've developed a mental checklist of all of the things that I love about this girl: the way I feel every time she smiles up at me, like I'm worth knowing, worth liking, worth being around. I love all of the weird things that she likes to do on her free time. I love that she thinks it's perfectly normal that a middle-aged man who owns a record store downtown is like her father.

I pull her in front of me and put my hands on the bar around her. I love the way she feels pressed against me like this; the curve of her back matches the front of my body perfectly. Plus, I love the way her ass feels against me.

She places our order and I hand her some cash to pay with when the bartender comes back.

I dip my head again and press my lips to the side of her neck. I'm feeling the alcohol tonight. I slide my hands over her stomach and press her into me. "I love the way you feel against me," I whisper and bite gently on her earlobe.

"You love the way Captain Morgan is making me feeling against you," she says with a laugh that sounds a little bit like a groan.

"He's definitely making it that much better." I switch sides and push her hair out of my way so that I can kiss the warm skin there. "You smell good. Like coconuts. Every time I see a coconut I think of you."

"I think the good captain has stolen your brain mouth filter, love. I kinda adore it at this moment."

"Mmm." I suck on the skin behind her ear and slide my hands down to her hips. "I kinda adore everything about you."

Before she can respond my phone starts vibrating in my pocket. I curse and fish it out. "Why are you calling me, Emmett?" I ask when I answer.

"Because I can see you. And I can see the drinks getting warm and watery in front of you and Bella and that cute little make out session. You can do anything that doesn't involve me seeing your dick over here. Let's go."

He hangs up on me and I drop my forehead to Bella's shoulder and start laughing. "How do you even know this guy?" I ask her when my laughter finally subsides.

She slips out of my arms and grabs the drinks from the bar. Before I realize it she's walking away from me. The captain causes delayed reactions. I walk quickly to catch up to her.

"Some people," she says to me over her shoulder, "just stick with you no matter how hard you try to shrug them off." She sets Emmett's drink down in front of him and leans down to give him a sloppy kiss on the cheek. "Isn't that right, Em?"

"Sure, baby, whatever you say," he says and pushes the lime into his Corona. "The two of you got a little distracted and my beer suffered. I'm willing to overlook that only because nobody has ever been able to get Izzy to more than kiss her cheek and hold her hand in public."

"Really?" I ask Bella and squeeze her thigh once. "Does that make me special?"

"Sure, love. Feel special. Emmett has that effect on people," she says and I watch the pink spread rapidly on her cheeks. I love how easily she blushes.

"Oh, please," Angela scoffs. "It has nothing to do with Emmett who just likes to blurt things out without thinking. I do give you points for this one though."

"I get points?" he asks and puts a hand on his chest.

"Yeah, but they mean nothing because you were at negative 343. Now you're just at negative 340."

He puts one of his big beefy arms around her shoulders and pulls her tightly into his chest. I laugh when she slaps at him. "Listen," he tells her, "I'm getting closer to the win. That's all that matters."

When he finally releases her, she takes a deep breath and feigns annoyance at him. "Stop trying to impress me by sticking my face in your chest. It's not cute, I'm not impressed, and it hurts," she says and finishes off her drink.

Emmett laughs. He must burn thousands of calories daily by laughing when other people yell at him. "Iz," he says loudly. "Are you being so quiet because you're thinking of all the things you wanna do to Edward later?"

She rolls her eyes at him. "No, Emmett, I'm this quiet because I'm mentally undressing you right now," she deadpans and Angela snorts with laughter.

"I think I should be… insulted?" I say to her. "That you're mentally undressing him and not me?"

"It's nothing personal, Edward," Emmett says before Bella can answer. "She's seen me without my clothes on and just can't help herself."

"Here we go," Angela mumbles.

He grins at her. "But you are the first dude that she's ever let sleep in her bed before."

I turn to look at her then, trying to see if this is true. Trying to figure out what it means.

"Emmett," she says through clenched teeth, "you're done with Coronas for the night. You have diarrhea of the mouth and are letting all my secrets out of that cavern of a brain."

"Oh, what's the big deal?" Angela asks. "We like Edward."

"Exactly. We ALL like Edward but if Emmett doesn't shut his big mouth, Edward is going to run for the hills. And rightly so."

I laugh now and pull her face to mine so I can kiss her. I press my mouth against hers for a noisy, sort of sloppy kiss. When she pulls away I tug her into my side again. "Bella, I wouldn't run for the hills 'less you were comin' with me."

"You say that now, love," she mumbles and shifts in her seat.

"Oh, shut up, Iz," Angela says. "Nobody's running anywhere."

But I don't want to be here anymore right now. I wanna go home and show her exactly what I mean when I say that there isn't a chance in hell that I'll run away from her. I want to show her everything that I feel so that hopefully she'll stop fidgeting. I want to take her home and make whatever's wrong with her tonight disappear.

I squeeze her leg. "Bella." I fake a yawn when she looks at me and Emmett snorts. His laughter gets cut off by Angela's elbow in his ribs. "I'm tired."

"I think Edward has had enough of the two of you. I'm taking him home," she says and slips into her jacket.

"You two be good, yeah?" Emmett says with a wink.

"Likewise," I tell him and lean down to kiss Angela's cheek. "It was good seeing you again."

"And you. Bye, Iz."

Bella slips her hand into mine and I slip both into my pocket. It's fucking cold out but the captain is keeping me pretty warm.

"My place?" I ask.

She nods and tucks her face into her coat.

My place.


	20. Chapter 20

**A/N I want to start this all off on a happy note....Thanks to everyone who reviewed, esp those self proclaimed lurkers who came out to represent. It's huge for us really, we love this story but knowing that other people like it is a big motivation and a fantastic ego stroke (which we could all use now and again). We love our reviews, BUT we are currently filling openings for new reviewers, we have unlimited positions! Apply now! lol**

**Again off-the-deep-end is primo beat #1. We love her!**

***

This cab ride is just taking for-fucking-ever right now. I want to be in my bed with this woman below me and over me and just in every possible position to ever exist in this fucking world and instead we're sitting in a smelly ass cab with too much heat and not enough deodorant.

I crack my window because I can't breathe but Bella shivers and curls up against me so I put it back up. "Sorry," I whisper. "But it fucking stinks in here."

"I wish I could say it was just the cab, love."

Wait… I know she doesn't smell because my nose is all but pressed into her head so that I can find the coconuts. "Are you trying to say that I smell?"

She laughs and buries her face in my chest. "Bar smells have the nasty habit of rubbing off on people," she says.

"Is that so?" I put my hands around her ribs and start tickling her. She squirms and starts giggling but I hold her to me. "You're gonna have to take that back."

I press my lips to the spot right behind her jaw because I know it's where she's most ticklish. She squeals. "Take it back."

"I can't take it back!" she gasps and tries to squirm away from me. The driver is giving us dirty looks through his mirror now but I couldn't give a shit less. "It's already out there, I can't just put the words back."

I'm not gonna lie. The way she's squirming against me is seriously turning me on. "Apologize, Bella," I tell her and keep moving my fingers against her ribs. "Now."

"We both smell, love!" she says and keeps giggling against me before twisting and nipping at my ear. "That's the best I can do. I can't lie."

I love the sound of her laughter. I lick a straight line from her collarbone up to the bottom of her ear. "Not good enough."

The cab comes to a screeching stop and we both jerk forward. I wrap my arms tightly around her instinctively and glare up at him. "Get out," he says to us through the mirror.

I look out the window in confusion and then back at him. We're still at least 10 blocks from my apartment. "You've got another ten blocks to go," I tell him.

"Either get out or stop that."

"Stop what?" I ask him after he starts driving again.

Bella jabs me in the ribs so I just shut my mouth. I put one arm around her shoulders and the other hand on her thigh and rub the bare skin there.

"Aren't you freezing?" I ask her.

"I was fine 'til someone rolled down a window," she says and gives me a pointed look.

"You'd be more fine, windows and all, if you wore a jacket or something. Did I tell you how pretty you look tonight?"

Because she really does. I've been wanting to peek under this yellow dress for the entire night. Well, maybe more than peek.

She tilts her head up and rolls her eyes at me but there's a faint smile on her face. "Pretty is such a grandma word, love, but thank you." She nuzzles my neck a little and then says, "You always look pretty."

"Great. I'm a smelly grandma now. I didn't want to overwhelm you but fine… Bella, you look fucking stunning tonight."

I throw a twenty at the cab driver and pull her out of the cab because I'm going to explode in a minute. We walk quickly up to the entrance of the building and I look down at her. "By the way, I'm not pretty. Ruggedly handsome I'll take, but pretty is emasculating."

She laughs and it comes out a little crazy sounding before she says, "Only real men can be pretty, love."

I roll my eyes and guide her into the building. We take the elevator up and then we're finally in the privacy of my apartment. No smelly cabs, no friends, just us. Finally.

She kicks off her sparkly little flats and drops her sweater on the couch on her way to the window. God, the way she moves is mesmerizing. Particularly the way her hips sway when she walks. I can't focus on anything when she sways her ass like that.

I walk over to stand next to her and curve a hand around her waist. I pull her against me and she turns to face me, tilting her chin up. Her cheek's so soft and warm against my hand and her lips are impossibly soft when I close my mouth over hers.

She parts her lips and I slide my tongue into her mouth, tangling with hers and she sighs softly. I turn to pin her against the cool glass of the window. I bend my knees so that my dick is aligned with the V of her thighs and rub against her, wanting her to know how badly I want her.

I tangle my fingers in her hair, tugging until she's at the perfect angle. I can feel her tremble slightly against me as she sucks on my tongue. I feel her heart pounding as I slide my hands over her rib cage, down the sides of her dress. My mouth is open wide over hers, taking it in hot kisses as I mold my hand over the curve of her hip. It's a short trip to find the hem of her dress and I tug it up and over the curve of her ass.

I fill my hands with her and my thumbs brush against the silky scrap of her underwear. She's not wearing a bra though, I can feel her nipples pressing against my chest. I fumble with the buttons of my shirt but then I just rip it open so I can feel her. I need to feel her. And I need to show her that I'll never run from her. I need to show her how I feel.

"This dress has been driving me crazy all night," I tell her. I want her naked. Now. I want to feel every inch of her body against mine. I push the straps of her dress off her shoulders and watch as the fabric pools at her waist.

I need the bed. After I get rid of her dress, I lift her up and walk into my room. I lay her down on the bed and then lie down behind her. I slide my hand over stomach and up her ribcage to cup her breast. I rub lazy circles over her nipple with my thumb and press my hips into her ass.

"I think you're amazing," I tell her and kiss her shoulder then her neck and then nip at her earlobe. She shifts and tries to face me but I hold her firmly in place. "This way," I whisper. "Trust me."

I wrap my arms around her and use one hand to rub and pinch her nipples, the other slides down between her legs. I groan when I feel how wet she is and slide a finger inside of her.

I part her legs with my knees and slip a second finger inside of her. God, she's so tight. Her body clenches around my fingers as I stroke and pump them inside of her.

When I slide my fingers out, she reaches between her legs, grasps my dick in her hand and starts stroking and rubbing me against the slippery skin of her inner thigh.

"Fuck," I groan and press my forehead into her shoulder. "God, this is so perfect." I pull her tightly against me and push her leg down, closing her thighs over my dick and adjusting myself so that it rests right against her slit.

I've never felt anything like this before in my entire life. Her hand is wrapped around me, stroking and pumping the head of dick as I thrust against her.

I reach down and start stroking her clit. She moans and tightens her thighs around my dick, and I shift until I'm riding even more firmly against her.

Bella's free hand fists in her pillow. Hungry, needy sounds claw their way out of her throat. Sweat blooms on her shoulder.

I leave it, reluctantly, just long enough to reach for a condom. Then I roll her onto her back, spread her legs, slip the condom on, and thrust inside of her.

She gasps, her back arches as her body stretches and struggles to accommodate me. I love the way she fits around me, the way her body gloves and grips me perfectly with every thrust and withdrawal.

"God, Bella," I groan when I feel her body clenching around me as her orgasm builds. I still my thrusts. I want to wait, want to make it last. Want her to know how much she fucking means to me.

But I'm too late. She wraps her legs around my waist and rocks against me in quick, desperate thrusts with her hips.

"Oh, god," she moans. "Please. I can't—" her voice breaks on a low moan and she clamps down hard, her body pulls me deeper, ripping my own orgasm from me.

I squeeze my eyes shut and come so hard I think I almost black out. I pull her to me. She's breathing hard, shaking, and I can't help but wonder if she feels the way I do.

"Bella," I whisper against the damp skin of her throat. Only one way to find out. "That was incredible."

She nods and rubs her cheek against my shoulder. And I want her to know. I want her to know that I want to hold on to her and never that her go. I want her to know that being without her makes me feel like I'm drowning, like I can't breathe. Like nothing is worthwhile if she's not around to experience it all with me.

"Bella," I say again because I love saying her name and I want her to look at me. She lifts her head slightly and opens her eyes. "I fucking love you."

***

_Those words are the only thing I can hear. There are a hundred random sounds in the room. Edward's slow even breathing, a cat meowing on the fire escape, someone in the apartment above us pacing, even the gentle tick of the clock and I can't hear any of it. And I can't close my eyes either because then I see his face, his eyes burning with sincerity as they fall from him mouth. I wanted to be able to write them off to his little fling with the Captain, but the look on his face makes that impossible._

_A shuddering breath escapes my mouth and it shakes me so violently I worry for a moment it's going to wake him up, but he simply takes a better grip on my waist. I swallow a few times trying to slow my heart, trying to hear anything else. And then my vision clouds with tears._

_How did we get here? How did I allow the one person I really have no intention of hurting get to the place where he is inevitably going to be destroyed? I force my fist into my mouth and bite down on my knuckles to keep my sobs at bay. I should have told him a long time ago. Warned him that I am genetically unable to commit. That my mother passed on a flaw that prevents me from allowing anyone to be a constant partner in my life, much less mutter those words._

_But I was too god damned selfish to do that. I got so caught up in the feel of him. The way his words filled my head, his hand filled mine that I forgot. Or at least I tried to forget. I bite down harder on my fist not caring that I am close to drawing blood. _

_My burning eyes find the clock and 4:15 glares back at me. It's been hours since he whispered the words and then slipped into a fitful sleep and I am no closer to knowing what to do. He nuzzles his head into my shoulder and his hair tickles my nose._

_I take another selfish moment to just look at him. His lips slightly parted in sleep everything about him is soft and lovely and perfect. Not perfect as in without flaws. His nose is slightly crooked and there is a slight scar above his left eye, but perfect in the way he molds to me; in the way he makes me feel._

_This is the ultimate problem. How can someone who doesn't know what love is possibly love? Because the closest thing I've ever felt to love is my unhealthy attachment to my IPod and this feels nothing like that. There's a need and a burning that I can't place. I swallow hard and pull my fist from my mouth._

_It's time. Time for me to do what I should have done a long time ago. Time for me to do what I would have done if I hadn't only been thinking of myself. If I had taken the time to think about what someone like me could do to someone like him. Usually at this point I am overwhelmed with the feeling that the man in the situation would be better off with someone else, but I can't manage that feeling._

_All I know is that he deserves to be loved. Loved by someone who knows what it means and can show him every day. And I can't do that. I don't know how. I lean down and press my nose into his hair inhaling deeply. Something for the road._

_I slip carefully from his arms, shoving a pillow into the hollow where my body was. If he hadn't been aided in his sleep by his fondness of alcohol I would never have gotten away with this. I reach for my clothes, but settle on a t shirt and a pair of his sweats. _

_When I reach the doorway I can almost feel the cord between us straining and when I push through it the snap is resounding in my ears. And the backlash brings the tears back to my eyes. It's better this way. For him. This is for him. I keep those words on repeat, trying to keep my momentum going towards the door._

_I grip the doorknob and can't move. I keep my back to the room, not willing to turn around. I am screaming the words in my head, hoping to believe them at some point. I should have left earlier this will hurt him more than I intended, but better now than later. Better now than in the morning when he remembers what he said and waits for me to respond._

_Because I can't lie to him. I may be able leave him, but I won't lie. I won't pretend I know what it means to say those words to someone. I won't pretend that I can have the same feeling in my eyes when I say the words I've never said together._

_I push the door open and stumble down the stairs. I hail a cab because it's too late for the subway and wrap my arms around myself once it begins its movement forward. When my building comes into sight I toss the driver a bill I hope works and he doesn't yell after me so I'm guessing it does._

_I pull myself up the stairs and it takes the very last of my energy to push open my door. And in that moment I know I can't stay here. He'll be here in a matter of hours. And he'll come bringing those eyes and that mouth that could drop those words again at any moment._

_And he's everywhere here. He's in the copy of Forest Gump still sitting on the coffee table. He's in the French roast in the pantry. I enter my room and he attacks me from all angles. There's the dent on his side of the bed. A couple of his dress shirts, the only thing hung neatly in my closet. And then there's his toothbrush, stoically keeping mine company._

_I reach for the bottom of my closet and rummage around for the suitcase I know I own. My hands grip its hard edges and I pull it out, filling it with anything that looks like it has been washed recently. It fills quickly and I zip it shut not worrying about if anything matches or if I have enough underwear._

_The temptation to look once more around the room is trumped by his shadow ghosting around me, tempting me, urging me to stay. I drag my suitcase out the door and don't try to keep it from hitting every stair on the way down to the living room. I am almost out the door when Emmett appears at the top of the stairs._

"_What the hell are you doing Iz?" his voice is pained. Probably because he knows exactly what I am doing. He's seen this routine before. Been on the receiving end. I look up at him and feel my eyes mist once again and I'm looking forward to the moment when the moisture will dry up and it won't happen anymore. Does that moment exist?_

"_I'm going home for awhile Em," I manage to croak out. He bounds down the stairs and takes a hold of my suitcase, trying to tug it out of my hands. I hold on tight, my knuckles turning white. His face is fierce, his jaw clenched._

"_You are home, Iz," he insists. I shake my head and wrap my arms around the luggage, making it a part of me._

"_No Em, back to San Francisco," I correct him. He tugs again and the suitcase bursts from my grasps and the contents tumble to the ground. I kneel down and begin methodically shoving it all back. He stands over me, his arms crossed over his chest._

"_Don't do this Iz. Don't fucking do this to him. Don't do this to yourself. He's different. You're different with him," he argues. I shake my head and rezip the carry on. This was part of the problem. They all love him too much, too much for me to ultimately destroy him. Maybe this way they can help him._

"_He's different Em and that's the problem. I shouldn't have let myself have him. I can't have him. You KNOW this. You know I can't have anyone," I ramble. He falls to the floor in front of me and takes me face in his hands, hold it firmly in place. I notice now that he is in his boxers and it just makes me feel worse. I should have been quieter._

"_That's Bullshit Isabella and you know it. You CAN do this. He will help you. Don't do this. I don't think either of you will come out of this," his voice breaks and I reach up to cup his face in my own hand. I knew there was a reason I liked him._

"_I've let it go on too long. It's better for him this way. Help him Em. Make him understand," I plead. It's too much to ask, but I have to leave him in someone's hands and Emmett will do._

"_What the hell are you two doing?" Angela demands from the top of the stairs and I sigh. This has become a party that no one was invited to. I take the distraction to break from Emmett and trudge towards the door._

"_I'm going to be out of town for a bit Ang. Email me if you need something," I state. I can hear her mouth fall because I know her that well. Know her well enough to know that all the shit she talks to Emmett is a clever cover for their relationship they think I know nothing about. And to know that she will take care of everything and ask very few questions. It's why we're such good friends. She knows when to push and when to step away._

"_Please, please don't do this Iz," Emmett breaths still on the floor. I swallow and meet his eyes. It's too late for that. The mantra has already been embedded in my mind._

"_Tell him I'm sorry."_

_I slam the door behind me and flag the first cab to JFK and curl into a ball in the back seat. I close my eyes and hum Joni Mitchell until the cab stops. Once again I push money at the cabbie and trudge into the airport. I approach the nearest desk and slam down my mother's American Express._

"_I need the first flight to San Francisco." _

_I'm fifteen minutes into the flight before I realize that I am wearing his clothes. I bring the collar of his t-shirt to my nose and inhale deeply. Everything I just left floods to my mind and the misting becomes full out balling. The poor woman next to me watches me in horror as I fall apart in my window seat._

_I can't breathe, I can't speak, I can't even move. I am frozen in my sadness. All because of what I wasn't strong enough to avoid. I had to leave because I don't know how to stay and I ran because it's what I do. I don't stay long enough to pick out sheet sets or even to establish a mutual favorite song or movie. I leave because it's what I was taught because I don't understand the ache building inside of me right now._

_So I'm going back to my roots. Back to the woman and the place that taught me all I know. Hoping that being there will solidify my decision and turn my regret and utter pain into surety. But at this moment I can't imagine that being possible because as the plane gradually ascends and the sun begins to tint the sky a hazy orange all I want is to still be in his arms, in his bed, but that's my selfishness talking._

_His bed may be cold for a few days, but he'll bounce back and he'll forget about the quirky girl who helped him shrug out of a bad relationship. I was just a rebound. He was just drunk and caught up in really good sex, he didn't mean those words._

_The woman next to me reaches for the call button and asks to be reseated, but I continue to sob. I lean against the window and relish in the cold air radiating from it. The tears stream down my checks, but I feel my breathing even._

_This feeling will go away. The hole opening in my chest will close back up and it will be fine. Like it has been before. And he'll be better for it. He'll be ok. If that's the fucking truth then why do I want to turn this plane around? It was never this hard before. Nothing a little ice cream and peanut butter couldn't fix, but the tears keep coming and I know no amount of sugar and salt are going to fix this._

_I dip my head back into his shirt again and instantly know what would make this better, but I can't. I don't know how._

***

I groan when I feel the sunlight beating down on my face and clutch Bella closer to me. God, when did she get so mushy? Whatever. I squeeze my eyes shut and try to force myself to sleep for a few more minutes.

I groan when the sleep doesn't come. My brain just starts clearing up and everything from last night starts to come to the surface. My eyes snap open. I told Bella that I loved her.

And I'm hugging a pillow.

And fuck.

I jump out of bed and almost trip on the sheets that get tangled around my ankles. I go into the bathroom first because maybe she's in there. And even if she's not, she generally leaves notes for me on the mirror if she leaves before I wake up.

But there's nothing there.

I walk out to the living room and her dress is still there in a pile on the floor. Not that that says much because she goes out in my dress shirts all the time.

Maybe she went for breakfast. I take a deep breath to calm my racing heart. A certain, probably extremely irrational panic has started to settle in my stomach. I go to the kitchen and check in the fridge because she likes to write notes on the milk carton sometimes.

Nothing.

God. I run my hands through my hair. Think, Edward, think. But there's no note in my coffee cup either.

I walk over to my discarded pants and fish my cell phone out. No messages, no texts, no missed calls. I press her speed dial but it goes straight to voicemail.

What the fuck is going on?

I try again and then I try her house line but there's no Bella anywhere.

Shit. I have to take deep breaths. Hyperventilating won't accomplish anything. She's probably asleep or forgot to charge her phone when she went home.

I go into my room and throw on a pair of jeans, a t-shirt, and some shoes and run out of the apartment.

Maybe I'm crazy. Maybe I'm overreacting. I don't care. I've had this feeling only once before, this horrible nauseating knot in the pit of my stomach. And something bad happened that day. I trust the feeling.

I realize once I'm outside that it's way too fucking cold to be in a t-shirt and sandals but I don't care. I hail a cab and keep dialing her number.

What if something bad happened to her on her way home? What if she's lying in a ditch somewhere? No, no, no. Bad idea. Thinking up worst case scenarios is a bad idea.

I throw some money at the driver and jump out at her building. I take the stairs two at a time up to her apartment and bang on the door. Why don't I have a key?

God, where the fuck is my Bella?

I run my fingers through my hair and over my face over and over again until a haggard looking Emmett swings it open.

"Is Bella here?" is the first thing that comes out of my mouth. There isn't any time for manners. "Emmett," I snap when he doesn't answer me and force my way inside. "Is she here?"

"Edward, sit down for a minute," he says and wraps his hand around my arm but I jerk away and start for the stairs.

"Is she here?" I ask again but this time to Angela who's wrapped in a blanket on the couch.

"No," she says softly. "She's not here. Edward, sit down."

"We should call the police," I ramble over her. "She could be hurt. She left my place late last night and her phone's off. I'll call the police. Emmett, call the hospitals. Maybe there was an accident."

My words are coming fast and in no particular order as I whip my phone out and start dialing 9-1-1.

It's snatched from my hand before I can get to send though. "What the fuck are you doing?" I ask Emmett angrily. "We need to find her."

"Edward," he snaps. "Sit down."

And it's then that I realize that it's pity and not fear on their faces. They're not scared for her, they feel bad for me.

"Can somebody tell me what the fuck is going on?" I ask and rub my face.

Angela looks at Emmett who sighs and flips my phone shut. "Bella's gone," is all he says to me.

"What? What the fuck is that supposed to mean? Gone where? Is she hurt?"

"No," he says sharply. "Nobody's hurt. Well, not physically anyway. Bella left."

I hear my heart pounding in my ears. None of this makes any sense. "Where the fuck could she go at 6 in the morning?"

Angela's arm wraps around my waist now and she leads me to the couch. She sits down facing me and takes my hand in hers. "She went home this morning," she says softly.

"I don't understand. I don't… why? When is she coming back?" I ask and feel the tears stinging my eyes but push them back.

She shakes her head and her eyes are filled with tears now. "I don't know. She came here a few hours ago and packed her things and left."

"What did she say?" I ask and look at Emmett. "Emmett, what did she say?"

He shakes his head and drops his shoulders with a heavy sigh. "To tell you that she's sorry."

And I feel it now; I feel the world as it crashes down all around me. The tears spill over and I'm standing up. "No," I say and repeat the word over and over again. I press my back into the wall and sink to the floor. I can't do this again. I can't lose someone again. "It's all my fault. It's my fault again."

I press my face into my knees and lock my fingers behind my head. "It's not your fault," I hear Emmett say. "Edward, it's not your fault."

"Yes it is. I told her…" but I can't get the words out because I can't breathe.

Emmett hauls me up by the back of my shirt and sits me down roughly on the couch before he pushes my head in between my knees. I'd be embarrassed but I can't think beyond the panic and the pain in my chest.

"Take deep breaths," he says to me. "Just take deep breaths and calm down."

I finally do. I sit up when my breathing is stronger but still shaky and my eyes are mostly dry. Angela hands me a glass of water.

"I think, um, that I'm gonna upstairs for a little while," I say quietly. "If that's okay."

"Yeah," Emmett says and squeezes my shoulder. "Whatever you need. We'll be around."

I nod and take the steps up to her bedroom. The smell of coconuts brings fresh tears to my eyes. The mess makes them spill over.

I kick my shoes off and crawl into her bed and just hug her pillow to me. I let her smell and my tears lull me to sleep.

***

**A/N Don't throw anything! Instead hit that little green button and let us know what you want/think should happen, how you liked it, or just generally name call and maybe the next chapter will be speedy...**


	21. Chapter 21

A/N- WOW. you guys are the shit. seriously. those of you who reviewed blew us away. AMAZING. you all get cookies and a free audit by pencil neck edward. the rest of you.....come by, visit, drop a review. it's the cool thing to do. you know you wanna....

so moving along.....off-the-deep-end is a rock star. we scream like teenies in her presence. enough of my rambling. enjoy :)

***

She left.

It's the first thing that pops into my head when I open my eyes and find myself in her bed without her.

She left me.

She doesn't love me.

And the ache in my chest is so strong I have to sit up so that I can breathe.

My eyes hurt, my heart hurts, my everything hurt.

I stand up and walk downstairs. I don't want to but I have to.

I find Emmett sitting at the kitchen table and when he sees me he offers me a small smile.

"You hungry or anything?" he asks.

I shake my head and sit down in the seat across from him. We sit there silently for a few minutes until he stands up and comes back with a bottle and two shot glasses. After he fills them, I take mine without question and pour it back, welcoming the burn that takes the attention away from the pain in my chest for a moment.

I slide it back and he refills it.

"I told her that I love her," I say after I take the second shot.

He nods and pours another shot. It'll be my last. For now anyway.

"I told her that I loved her and she got up and left in the middle of the night."

I take the third because saying that out loud hurts more than thinking it does.

"Emmett," I say after a few minutes of silence. I'm tired of hearing myself think. "Why couldn't she just say that she wasn't ready yet?"

He spins the glass around on the table before he looks up at me. "She's…" his voice trails off as he stares at a spot over my shoulder.

"She's what?"

"Izzy had it sort of rough growing up. Her dad left them when she was a kid and her mom… well; let's just say that some people just aren't born with any sort of maternal instinct."

I don't know what that means and he's taking his time with his words so I pull my phone out and check it. Still nothing. I bang out a text message quickly though and then look back up at him.

"Her mom was more into men than her daughter. And by men, I mean a lot of men. Renee goes through boyfriends the way most women go through boxes of tampons," he says and then flinches. I'm sure my face mirrors his grimace.

"And Iz sort of grew up watching Renee recycle men. Love them then treat them like garbage. And I think that she's afraid of turning into her mom. So she always makes sure that she pushes people away before she can hurt them."

I wrap my hand around the shot glass until my knuckles are white. "That's fucking stupid," I say finally. Because it is.

But suddenly everything that she said about hurting me… this is what she meant. If she didn't want to hurt me, all she had to do was fucking stay. I don't need love words, I don't need any of that, I just needed her and she left.

He nods in agreement. "Look, I know she'll be back. She hates it there so she'll come back. And you just need to be ready to fight when she comes," he says.

"Where is she?" I ask suddenly.

He looks uncomfortable. "At her mom's."

"Where?" I press.

"Honestly, in California. But I couldn't even begin to tell you where."

"So I get the shitty job of sitting around and waiting for her to come back," I clarify.

"Look, she needs space. If you go after her now, it'll just make it worse."

***

_The time difference makes it early when the cab drops me in front of my Mother's house. I walk around to the back and pull open the window to the kitchen that is always open. It's a small miracle no one else has ever taken advantage of this. I fall to the floor and curse and as I try to lift the suitcase in the same way._

"_Fuckety fuck," I whimper as my palm catches a loose nail and it tears a path through my skin. I let the suitcase fall back to the ground. Screw it. I'll get it later. And if someone wants to take it, I'll make mother buy me more. It's not like she doesn't try every time I come home. I stare at my hand in wonder._

_The cut is so close to the healed one from the zoo. I use my other hand to trace the pink line and watch as the red covers it completely. The blood pools in my palm and threatens to spill over and only then to I walk to the sink. Mother doesn't like things being dirty unless it's her doing._

_The water stings like hell, but the physical pain is a welcome break from the more demanding pain still thriving in my chest. I let the water continue until the red is clear rather than pink. Then I wrap a dishtowel around it. I wander through the rooms seeing the evidence of my mother's new hobby. And she should definitely find a new one. _

_The color combinations are horrible and the rooms are too full of furniture. When the wooden bench in the sitting room looks appealing I know I have to lay down. I climb the stairs and open the door to the yoga retreat that used to be my room. If you look hard enough you can still see traces of the blue paint that was my walls._

_I collapse on a yoga mat and reach for the hollowed out Buddha where my mother keeps her secret to relaxation, Xanex. I pop one in my mouth and hope that it will keep him at bay._

_I close my eyes and see his face immediately. The tears come to my closed eyes and I sigh. I chew on my cheek until the pill kicks in and all I see and feel is black. How appropriate._

***

I sit down cross-legged on the floor of my storage room. The record player is in front of me, my guitar is in my lap, and the Dylan record Simon gave me is next to the record player.

I stare at it for a long time before I take it out and place it on the machine. It starts playing and I skip forward until I find the one I'm looking for.

I hold the guitar as the music starts, but even she reminds me of Bella. Bella was the last person to touch Jolene.

"Though I know that evenin's empire has returned into sand/ Vanished from my hand/ Left me blindly here to stand but still not sleeping./ My weariness amazes me, I'm branded on my feet/ I have no one to meet/ And the ancient empty street's too dead for dreaming."

The tears are rolling again, spilling over my cheeks and onto my hands. For everything I've lost. Because it's all been my fault.

I just want to find her. I want her to be here, to wrap her arms around me, to tell me that I can hold her hand. I need her hand. I just… I need Bella.

I leave everything out because there's no chance of anyone finding it now, and walk into the living room. Her dress is still in a heap on the floor so I bend down to pick it up.

I hold it up to my face and just inhale her.

I think I need to get out of here.

***

"_I almost called the police you know."_

_I peel one eye open and look up into the unamused face of my mother. I roll over and pull one of her yoga jackets over me as a blanket._

"_First the open window in the kitchen and then the trail of blood. I had a baseball bat, Isabella," she states, kicking my still shoed foot. I groan and sit up. I rub at my eyes and lean against the wall. _

"_How are you Renee?" I ask with a yawn. She may be my mother, but she refused to be called that in public. She rolls her eyes and straightens her already pristine skirt. I glance down at Edward's now rumpled clothing and know that she is not pleased with my appearance._

"_It is customary for people to call when they are going to visit Isabella," she pushes. I'm not sure what the point of this conversation is. Isn't the point of having a home not having to ask to visit? Another one of the many reasons this was never home._

_I pull out my cell phone and switch it on fully intending to call her just to be cheeky. The phone powers up and then my stomach drops. Ten missed calls. I drop the phone and pull myself closer to the wall and away from it. That was not part of the plan. He wasn't supposed to call._

"_What is wrong with you Isabella? You come home looking like a hobo and bleed all over my house and then pass out in the yoga room. Not that you have ever been normal, but this is odd even for you," Renee states. I don't try to answer because the hole in my chest is like a gaping crevice and everything other part of me is threatening to teeter in and then I think I might cease to exist._

"_You said you wanted to see me," I finally stutter out. She rolls her eyes in true mother fashion and throws her hands in the air like I truly am an oddity of nature and not her daughter._

"_I'm not in the mood to go round and round with you. Come find me when you are feeling more conversational," she orders and then storms out of the room. Immediately I let my body sprawl back on the floor and my fingers make work of chipping away at the taupe paint to revel speckles of blue._

_There is no comfort in this place, no solace. But at the very least there is no Edward either. Except for the pieces of him that I carried here with me. I curl into a ball and find something very appealing about lying on the floor rather than on a bed. Like it's some kind of real punishment, because I should be punished._

_The only thing that being here does is shows me what I don't want to be. Why I continue on the way I do. Because I can not become her. I can't be the cold calloused person she is. I refuse to do that. So I will witness her destruction and feel better for sparing everyone. Mostly for sparing him._

_I clench my eyes shut and a horrible thought passes through my mind. Maybe I was too late. Maybe I let things get to far before I pulled out and suddenly every memory I have of the men my mother tossed aside has Edward's face and I fell nauseous. _

_I force myself to curl into an even tighter ball. Almost like I could fold myself into the hole in my chest. I hope he isn't feeling this. Maybe he just went to a movie or decided to do his laundry or…. this is shitty, lying to myself. _

_My phone beeps from the floor near me and I pull further away from it. I'm not ready, but even the chance of it being him makes my hand reach out without my permission. When the screen lights up in front of my face I dry heave at the words._

'_You didn't have to leave. I miss you.'_

_Yes I did. And no way in hell more than I miss you. And yet even that doesn't stop me from tossing the phone across the room without reply. He just needs a couple of days and then he'll see. See that he's better without me._

***

How did I get here? How did I become the person that loses everyone? I wonder if I pissed someone off in a past life. I don't know what I've done to deserve this.

I love the drive out to Montauk. I love sitting on the highway for forty straight miles. And I love getting off of the highway onto the small town roads in the Hamptons where the air smells like the ocean and nothing else seems to matter.

The only problem with this drive is the quiet. Even with the radio on, I can't stop thinking about her. She responded to my text hours after I sent it and all she sent was a picture of shoes. Shoes.

She got up and left me in the middle of the night after I told her that I fucking loved her, and then she sent me pictures of a pair of shoes.

And I'm pissed.

I left Hannah because Bella made me realize that I deserved more. And now Bella… well, this is worse than anything that Hannah ever inflicted on me. So much worse. Maybe because I didn't love Hannah. Maybe because Hannah shoved me into her little box of perfection and Bella set me free and then left me flailing around in that freedom.

Like a fish out of water that nobody will let die.

A fish wouldn't know how to survive outside of the water. I don't know how to do this without Bella. I don't know how to fucking accept the fact that I love her and she doesn't love me. I don't know what to do with all of this. I don't know how I got here.

I pull up to the house and turn the car off. I rest my head on the steering wheel and just take a few deep breaths. My decision to come here was rash and now I don't know if it's where I should be.

But I'm here now and I can't turn back. And I needed to be somewhere Bella-free. Somewhere with someone that understands better than anyone what it's like to lose the person that you love. Someone who understands me.

I get out of the car and walk up to the door. I lift my fist to knock but it swings open before I can.

I'm knocked back by the force of her embrace and then I just wrap my arms around her and squeeze. The tears spill again because she's so familiar and because she's love but she's memories that fucking hurt.

She pulls away and slaps my arm once hard. "Where the hell have you been?" she asks. "Skye keeps asking if her uncle went to heaven, Edward."

I wipe my face and let out a small laugh. Even as a child Alice had a flair for the dramatics. "I saw you guys a few months ago," I say and lean in to kiss her cheek.

"Well, come inside before those tears freeze on your face."

She wraps a hand around my wrist and drags me in. "Skye!" she shouts even though it's 9 at night. "There's a surprise!"

I hear the shuffling of feet that can only belong to a child and then she's running down the stairs. I scoop her up before she hits the bottom of the steps and crush her to my chest.

"Edward!" she squeals and wraps her little arms around my neck tightly.

I just hold her to me because she's just so small and perfect and full of love. "How's my favorite niece?" I ask when I set her down.

And she's the perfect combination of Alice and Jasper. And looking at her hurts. "I'm your only niece," she says.

"Yeah, so?" I ask with a little laugh and kneel down in front of her. "You're getting too big. Can I have my kiss?"

She puts her hands on my cheeks and leans in and places a kiss directly on my lips. "Al, this kid's gonna be trouble," I say teasingly.

"Long as she's not as bad as you or me or Jasper I think we'll be okay," Alice says with a small laugh. "Aright, brat, time to say goodnight."

"But, mom," Skye whines, "I wanna stay with Edward. He just got here."

"He'll read you a story and tomorrow morning we can have pancakes together," Alice tells her.

I'm still not used to this version of Alice. My aunt always used to shake her head and say that if it weren't for the fact that they were attached, she'd forget her arms in the morning. And now she's a fucking mother, a single mother, and it's just fucking mind boggling.

And then Skye looks up at me through her big blue Jasper eyes. "Can they be star shaped with M&Ms?"

"Whatever you want," I say with a nod.

"And can we read Goodnight Moon?" I nod again. "Twice?"

I laugh and lift her up because I can't say no to her ever. "You'll get bored," I tell her and start the climb up the stairs.

I drop her down on her bed and she giggles up at me. "Edward?"

"Yeah, baby?" I ask and sit down next to her, tucking her into the bed.

"I missed you."

I tap her nose and then pull her into my chest. "You just missed me because I give you chocolate."

"Nuh-uh," she says and then turns to face me on her knees. "I missed you because I love you."

I pull her onto my lap and kiss her forehead. "I missed you too, kid."

She lays back against my chest as I start reading the book to her. When I finish, I tap her shoulder. "You still awake?"

"Yes. Can you read it again?"

"No," I tell her and tickle her. "But I can tell you a story if you want."

"About anything I want?" she asks, and twists her head to look up at me.

"Anything you want."

"Will you tell me about my daddy?" she asks softly and I feel my heart break all over again—for the fifth or sixth time in two days.

"Why don't we save that for tomorrow?" I choke out because I can't talk to her about him, not when it's my fault that she never got to meet him.

"Edward?"

"Yeah?"

"Mama says that you miss people cause you love them. But do you get to love someone if you don't know them?"

Each word slams into my already fractured heart. "Of course," I whisper to her.

"Because I miss my daddy," she says and I've had enough. I flip her around and pull her up to my chest for a hug. "Do you think he misses me?"

"Yes," I tell her even though speaking is becoming increasingly difficult. "I'm sure he misses you. And I know that he's still loving you and watching you."

"From the stars, right? That's what mama says."

"From the stars," I say softly. "It's time for bed."

"M&M pancakes tomorrow?" she asks excitedly, because that's how children are.

I tuck her in and kiss her nose. "Love you, kid."

"Love you more," she says, because this is our ritual.

"How much?"

"To the moon and back," she says and yawns. "Goodnight."

***

"_Renee tells me that you work in the Music Industry." I look up over my Long Island Iced Tea at mother's number 2345. Or somewhere close to that number. He seems nice enough, decent looking, old enough to not cause stares, but not worthy of the looks Renee is currently throwing him. I want to gag, but that would waste the healthy buzz I have working. And my buzz is my only friend right now._

_Buzz. I almost groan out loud as Edward infiltrates my thoughts again. I flag down the waiter and order a shot of tequila and Renee tisks her tongue disapprovingly. Calm down mommy dearest. I can hold my liquor._

"_Renee is embellishing. I run a non-profit for school music programs," I correct. My mother thinks non-profit is a waste of my time and trust fund. Good thing granddaddy didn't put her in charge of my money. 2345 raises a curious eyebrow and glances at Renee who I think is trying to smile flirtatiously. Good Lord there went any thought of eating._

"_That's an interesting hobby," he replies and I roll my eyes before standing and pushing away from the table. Several people in the stiff restaurant stare as I make a noisy exit. Freedom is near as a hand grabs me from behind. I spin to see Renee spitting fire through her eyes at me._

"_Isabella you come back in here and give Richard the respect he deserves," she hisses. I watch as she smiles and waves at someone she knows and then turns the daggers back on me. This treatment used to bring me to my knees, force me to listen, but now it's amusing. Nothing she could do to me can compare to what I have just done to myself. _

"_Renee you go back in and get whatever you want from Richard without me. I'm no longer your accessory and you can't force me to watch your mating ritual. Get your hand off of me," I state. Her hand falls away and I turn quickly not caring. _

_I step into the night air and am relieved that it's warm. I shuffle along the sidewalk liking the sounds of the city that wrap around me like an old friend._

_I wander the streets not really caring that I have no destination. The sidewalks here are so isolated and it suits my mood perfectly. I listen to my flip flops scrape the pavement as I walk. Before I can stop myself I am in Balboa Park and I keep going savoring the familiarity and anonymity at the same time. As I pass a bench I hear a mumble and watch as a homeless man turns over in his sleep._

_The movement causes his feet to appear from under his blanket and I scoff as I recognize the overly familiar shiny shoes. I pull out my phone snap a picture and send it off without thought. If there was someone walking around with my self-defining shoes I would want to know._

_I follow the gleam of the water til I'm at the pier and am pulled in by the smell of pizza. Now far from my mother and her latest victim, I can eat. I wander into the small shop and wait my turn. I dig through my bag looking for cash when I hear it._

"_Izzy Swan?" My head darts up and I look into the eyes of the one person who before yesterday was my biggest regret. I drop my purse and things bounce across the floor. I fall to the the ground and begin to gather it back up. Suddenly another set of knees hits the floor and I look up again into the face of the past._

"_Luke Campbell," I breathe. He smiles, but it's so small it doesn't reach past his lips. I stare at him unashamed thinking of the feelings he stirred in me at such an early age. Memories of football games and skateboarding lessons and prom. Number one._

"_I haven't seen you in years. Are you back in town?" he asks. The question is gruff and I know it's because he doesn't want to ask, but its required when you are older. To act like you liked everyone you knew in high school even if they made your life hell or broke your heart._

"_I'm just visiting Renee for a couple of days. What about you? I didn't know you were interested in the Food business. It smells amazing," I offer. Again the fake smile. He stands and looks around warily._

"_Campbell you are getting paid to take orders not get numbers." My eyes follow the voice to a pimply kid that has to be at least 5 years younger than us. Luke's face flushes and he rushes back around the counter. My mouth falls open and my world tilts a little._

_This was not what Luke was destined for. He had dreams. He was going to open his own scuba store on the beach and teach people about marine life so he could help save it. Not serve pizza and take orders from acne prone college freshmen._

"_What would you like?" Luke asks stiffly keeping his eyes on the register. Suddenly I am overly aware of the crowd around me, waiting to order. And they can all kiss my ass. _

_Yes, I left Luke, but I sent Kelly the resident Cheerleader his way. And they seemed to click, well at least their lips did. My entire senior year the most I saw of Luke was the side of back of his head as the front was attached to Kelly's face. He seemed fine._

"_I'll have a slice of cheese," I say because I can't think of the right first question to ask him. Where the hell did his life go sideways? But then I shake the thought from my head. Maybe this is what he wants to be doing, but one look at his stiff features puts that thought to rest._

"_$5.50," Luke requests and I hand him a ten. I'm tempted to tell him to keep the change, but then change my mind. That might be insulting. Hell, everything about this situation is bad._

"_How are you Luke?" I finally whisper. His eyes raise and he looks at me hard. I try to smile, but it comes out feeling more like a grimace. He glances over to where the pimple idiot is busy with a spill and then back at me._

"_Let's not do this Iz. You don't want to know about my shitty life and I sure as hell don't want to hear about all the glamour and ritz that you are living with," he hisses. I rear my head back and cough in shock. Wow._

"_You don't know anything about my life," I whisper harshly back. He rolls his eyes and shoves me change at me._

"_I know that you were too good for this place and for me and you couldn't wait to get the hell out of here and away. I think that's good enough," he answers. I swallow and look at every detail of him. He still looks the same, but his features are longer, worn. His hair that he once spiked so proudly is shorn short. _

"_That's not true Luke. You were with Kelly. You didn't even say goodbye," I argue. I tried to find him at graduation. I figured we could let bygones be bygones and at least have a decent send off. No such luck, I stayed long past anyone else and when the skied opened up I still looked. _

"_Are you finished? Other people want pizza," an angry voice shouts from behind me. I turn and glare at the middle aged man who looks like he could skip the pizza and still get by. Several other people are glaring back as well. But, I'm not ready to be done with Luke. I can't just leave and not know, not understand. I toss a couple of twenties on the counter._

"_Pizza for everyone," I shout with mock enthusiasm. Luke sighs and pulls several pizzas out of a warmer and hoists them over my head to the people behind me. It quiets the mob for a moment, but I know it won't last long._

"_Can you take a break or something?" I ask. I know it's a lot. He doesn't owe me anything. Hell, if he gave me the bird and walked away I really couldn't blame him. I watch as his fingers curl around the counter and he takes several deep breaths. I hold my breath in the silence and wait. _

"_Spencer!" he calls and zit boy looks up. "I'm taking my fifteen." _

_He doesn't wait for answer, simply steps out from the counter and beings untying the apron from his waist. I follow as he weaves his way through the restaurant to the back where there are a few lonely tables. I wait for him to sink down before I pull a chair away and follow his lead._

_Again I can't take my eyes off his face. I can't help but remember the way his eyes would smirk when he knew he was doing something that would piss me off or the awkward way our lips bumped together. I was such a different person then. Or was I?_

_Whatever it was that Luke and I had it was real. I spent months getting to know the most mundane details about him and letting him do the same. The warm sensation that spread through my chest whenever he called is still so fresh in my mind. And then prom. Renee had just torn apart a particularly delicate soccer coach. I spent several nights awake listening him try to play Hootie and the Blowfish on his guitar._

_I was excited for the dance. Excited to have a night away from home and away from the emotional disaster my mother was. I hadn't seen her in several days. She always holed herself up in her room after her destruction._

_So I guess it was all very fresh to me then. The things that a woman can do to a man. The pain and anguish that can result when someone can feel as a result. So when Luke had said those words, so plainly, so simply, all I heard was the soccer coach on the porch wailing them out of tune._

"_What is it you wanted to talk to me about?" Luke demands. I swallow thickly and reach for the parmesan shaker, twisting it in my hands. Again the problem with words. If there was a way to simply extract the feelings and words from his brain without the mundane back and forth, it would be so much easier. _

_His eyes bear down into me and I keep mine down. Words keep bubbling up in my throat but I keep swallowing them down because they don't sound right. My teeth find their solace in the inside of my cheek. He pushes his chair back like he's going to leave and I panic._

"_Do you hate me Luke?" The words are childish and selfish, but it's at the root of what I need to know. He sighs and slumps back in the chair. I force myself to keep my eyes on him. There are other, better questions to follow._

"_God Iz. Like anyone could ever hate you," he breathes. I'm pretty sure I could think of a couple of people. Godzilla bitch enters my mind and my chest aches. Not now Edward. He takes a hand and runs it over his head a few times and I want to do the same. Maybe it would comfort me as well._

"_I don't hate you. I think I may have hated you for awhile back then, but not now," he states. He adds a smile and it leaks into his eyes a little brining even more of the boy I knew back to me. I nod._

"_But you've been happy since then right? I mean you and Kelly seemed really good together and there have been other good times? Better times than when you were with me?" I ramble. I watch his eyes follow my words. It makes more sense inside my head than when it tumbles from my mouth._

"_When we were together are some of the best memories I have, except the prom. But sure, Iz. Everyone has good times and bad," he sighs. That wasn't the right answer. But nothing about this is how I pictured things for him. I figured if I ever stumbled upon Luke again it would be with a supermodel wife and a couple of Gerber babies. And he would grin at me and thank me for sending him on his way._

"_You're happy now?" I press. It's a personal question. Probably the one question that people should ask themselves more often. I know my own answer, but I'm hoping his is different. His eyes glance back to the counter._

"_Not really Iz. I'm working at a fucking pizza place trying to working off a college debt and I didn't even graduate. My dad is dying of cancer and I live in a shit hole," he states. And I can't even blink. _

_My mind is reeling, placing Luke in each of those pictures and not liking how it fits. I feel my bottom lip tremble and curse my emotional state. Who really wants their life to bring someone else to tears? Suck it up Bella._

_And the sound of that name even in my own mind pushes the tears over the edge. Suddenly I'm picturing Edward in all of Luke's places and the pain I feel is indescribable. I hiccup on a sob and Luke reaches across the table to cover my hand with his._

"_Hey. Don't blame this on yourself," he insists and I turn my blurry eyes up to him._

"_Yes I know you that well. You weren't the best breakup I've had, but you weren't the worst either. And even though I might have thought you were the love of my life when I was 17, I know that I could have never been yours," he says. And I feel my face screw up. I shake my head a couple of times and pull my hand from his._

"_I was the worst form of bitch to you Luke. Don't act like I didn't hurt you," I force out. He rolls his eyes._

"_Don't make everything about you. But, it's you so," he trails off and I am tempted to storm out of here, but certain people are allowed to insult me, Luke included. _

"_Yeah you hurt me Iz. I was 17 and thought that it was the end of my life, but everyone gets their heartbroken. You wanted to save the world one song at a time and I was going to try to rescue the whales. Eventually we would have ended. On the dance floor at prom or months later in college," he explains. I've never thought past our end. Never given time to what a natural end would look like. I take a few calming breaths and reach for his hand again. It's warm, but it feels wrong._

"_You deserved better," I say to him. The words that I think about every person I have let go and it's true. _

"_So did you. I knew it wouldn't last. You were, are too big for me. Someone else, a bigger man, would tame you for good," he teases. His smile is real now and I wish I could return it. I'm too busy thinking out the natural ends to all my 22. Emmett's would have been when he found a bossy bitch who he wanted to dominate him. Jeb would have seen a girl on a subway that made music play in his head. And Edward…._

_When I let him flow into my mind I can see things I've never seen before. He and I in a unfamiliar apartment, a blend of his simple taste and my eclecticness. And then a beach and a simple white dress. My hand covers my mouth when the sob rips itself from me. I choke it back and smile at Luke who is now looking at me like I need to be protected. I don't deserve that._

"_Thanks for talking to me Luke. It really was so good to see you," I offer because I mean it not because I'm supposed to. I know I am cutting this short, but I feel like the hope in my chest is exposed and at any moment all my insecurities and lies and going to spill out onto the table and I'm not ready to show them to anyone just yet. I've only just discovered them._

_I stand and Luke mimics my action. I reach over and throw my arms around him, letting myself hold him for a moment, but it doesn't help the hole. _

"_Tell your dad hi for me," I request and he bobs his head. The night air can't come quick enough as I push out of there. I hit the pavement and keep walking til I hit the water. _

_I stare down into the dark ocean and try force all my thoughts to the bottom of its floor. Luke's words echo in my head, accompanied by the new visions of a…future? A future in which I looked like I belonged. A future that I just tore to shreds._

_My phone buzzes from my pocket and I pull it out, welcoming a distraction. I flip it open and almost drop it into the depths when I see the words._

'_Do you miss me?'_


	22. Chapter 22

**A/N Ok. Blown away by the reviews. AMAZING. Gold stars and pencil neck texts to all. Can't say enough. Keep em coming?? ALSO huge thanks so whoever nominated us for the indie awards. It's our first nominations and we are pumped. so head over starting the 8th and vote.....please?**

**This chapter is my all time fav. Let us know if you agree....or not :)**

**Once again off-the-deep-end has reached new levels of fab as out beta**!

***

_I wonder if time can actually cease to exist. Like if you ignore it long enough it will just leave you alone and you can actually fester in your own misery. I sit cross legged on the futon my mother insisted on buying and just stare at the phone in my hands. It's been my only clue that time has actually passed. He's been consistent. A text in the morning and one at night. The one at night is always the same and it hurts like new every time. Always. 'Did you miss me?'_

_The answer is obvious. Everything that makes up what I am cries out for him constantly. Whoever said that time heals didn't know shit and definitely had never had to leave Edward. I should answer. I should text him back the three letter simple truth. But I can't. I just stare at the screen and wait for the next text._

_Except there hasn't been one….in…..god damn why isn't there a clock in the yoga retreat? I just know that it has been dark and then light again since the last one and that is not ok._

_Those texts were keeping me together. Threading together the empty pieces of my chest. Giving me a sense of hope I didn't deserve. But I thrived on them anyways. And I replied in my own way. _

_The first couple of days when I pretended to be sane I sent him pictures of things I thought he would like. An ad for an all women's accounting firm, a pair of turquoise chucks and then the seals on the pier. Cause who doesn't like the seals on the pier?_

_I know they weren't words, but I was hoping he would decode them. That he would see the pictures and what I wanted to say. Which was, I wish you were here with me, so I'll share it with you in the hopes that it will be something close to you being here._

_I guess he doesn't have the secret decoder ring for the pictures because he stopped texting. I just stare at my phone not caring that I should move, should shower, should eat. If he texts again I'll fucking get dressed to the nines and eat filet mignon. If._

_Footsteps near the door, but only pause for a moment before continuing on. Renee stopped beating on the door and demanding I come out about three texts ago. She even threatened to throw away the few belongings I have in the garage. I called her bluff on that. Those pictures and baby clothes are more for her than me. _

_I pull my knees to my chest and let my phone fall to the floor. It bounces and comes apart and I don't even bother. There is only one phone call I wanted to get and it obviously isn't coming._

_The only plus is that I am out of tears. Out of stock, no rain checks given. I glance around the room and my eyes settle on the locked door and suddenly I feel ill. I've become her._

_I stand abruptly and unlock the door. Suddenly Edward's texts all seem a little too much like crying outside the window. The bile build at the base of my throat as I rush around the room throwing on clothes not caring that I haven't showered in days and I don't know what I am wearing. I have to get out of this room. _

_I burst from the room and stumble down the stairs, bouncing off the railings in my hurry to get out. Vaguely I can hear my mother calling my name behind me as I hit the street running. How could I set out to so something so specific only to fall into that exact hole?_

_I stumble about four black from home, my flip flops catching the uneven pavement and sending me to my hands. I wince as the still fresh wound opens at the contact. Damn. I clench it into a fist and look around trying to determine where I am. There isn't anything that I really recognize except the lure of a neon sign and the promise of the memory loss that comes with a real thorough night of hitting the bottle. Sounds good to me._

_I let the lights pull me in and as soon as I push the door open the stench of alcohol and sweat pulls me in further. I hoist myself up on a stool in the corner of the bar and wait my turn. I'm not sure what the best way to go about this is. It has to be quick and strong none of that pansy ass stuff that I drink for fun. _

_I have a mission here and I need the big boys for that. I think about calling on Jose or the Captain, but they both have painful ties so I go for the less familiar, less favored friend Smirnoff. I rattle off my order to the bartender and cradle in the shot glass in my hand preparing myself. I press the glass to my lips and pour it back. So it begins._

***

I can't sleep. Every time I lie down and close my eyes, I can't stop thinking about everything that I've lost.

I've been here for days. Bella left me days ago and the only thing I've got to go on are picture texts. Stupid, pointless pictures and not a single fucking word, not a single response that might seem like she cares. I stopped contacting her after she sent me a picture of seals.

She could've at least found some penguins.

And at some point, I have to stop ripping the fucking band-aid off. Self-preservation and all that. When she's ready to deal with what I said and stops acting so fucking illusive with these fucking pictures, she'll know where to find me.

I get out of bed and walk to the kitchen because maybe some food will fill the gaping hole in my chest.

Once I'm all settled on the sofa with a grilled cheese and tomato sandwich and a bag of cookies, I turn the TV on. This is what I need. Maybe I can give myself a stomach ache that will deflect the other ache. And the infomercials on right now remind me of home. So maybe this will work.

"You know…" I jump when I hear Alice's voice from behind me. I turn my head and she drags her feet over to the couch and plops down next to me. "They say emotional eating is the worst kind."

She takes my sandwich and takes a bite out of it. "These were always your specialty though," she says with a small groan. "Did you use all of the butter for one sandwich?"

"Half a stick," I reply and snatch the sandwich back. "And I'm not an emotional eater. I was hungry."

She takes a cookie and I grind my teeth. Those were my cookies, my salvation. "I've given you space. I haven't asked any questions."

Here we go. "There's nothing to ask about."

"It's also two in the morning and my tolerance for half-assed excuses is at a zero. So spare me."

I roll my eyes and turn my attention back to the television. I'm sure my dad will have this Jacuzzi gym installed in his bathroom the next time I get home. There's a treadmill on the floor of the Jacuzzi. God, people spend money on some of the most meaningless shit. Then again, I'm filling my holes with Oreo cookies so I can't really fault other people for their habits.

"So let's just lay the facts out," she says, ignoring the fact that I'm trying to ignore her. "You show up here in the middle of the night, crying. You haven't been here in over a year. Not that we don't love having you over, but you have to admit this is kind of random."

"I can't just want to fucking see you guys?"

She holds a hand up and shakes her head at me. "Lie tolerance is zero right now."

"I just wanted to eat a sandwich and some fucking cookies before bed," I grumble at her.

"Furthermore, I haven't heard a single word about Hannah."

"That's because you fucking hate her."

"It never stopped you before," she snaps back. "And your phone has been glued to your hand. So explain."

"There's nothing to explain, Alice," I groan and finish off my sandwich.

She reaches out and pinches the skin on my forearm, twisting it hard. "Ouch! You know I hate that shit!"

She used to do it all the time to me when we were kids because it was the only way she could get what she wanted by physical force. "I told you to stop fucking lying to me."

"I'm not fucking ly—okay!" I snatch my arm out of reach. "God, just stop that."

She grabs for another cookie and stares at me with an eyebrow quirked. "Start talking."

"I broke up with Hannah," is the easiest thing to start with.

"Oh praise the lord!" she shouts, dramatic as ever.

"You're gonna wake Skye up." I roll my eyes and wait for her to stop shimmying against the couch cushion. "Let me know when you're finished."

"Okay, okay, I'm done. Continue."

"I met another girl." I rub my hands over my face and through my hair. How do I even explain this to her? How can I explain Bella?

In typical Alice fashion she squeals and shoves me hard. "How am I just hearing about this?"

"Maybe if you'd pick your fucking phone up and dial once in a while you would have."

"Phones work both ways, dip shit. Stop eating cookies and tell me about her."

I twist an Oreo and eat the creamless part first. "Her name is Bella." I start nibbling on the other half. "I told her that I loved her. She left in the middle of the night and flew to California."

There's no point in laying out all of the mushy details for Alice. She's known me for so long that she can figure everything in between out on her own.

"How long have you been with her?" she asks carefully and hands me another cookie.

"She's got… a few commitment issues because of some shit with her family."

"How long have you been with her?" she repeats.

"A few weeks?" I don't know. I can't fucking think straight to remember numbers and dates right now.

She groans and drops her head back on the couch. "Can I take a guess?" I shrug and nod. "You were shit faced?"

"I wasn't even drunk… maybe a little buzzed."

"And you… what? Fucked her and then, after you shot your load, you professed your love for her?"

I flinch because listening to my little cousin talk about cum is sort of awkward. And because when she says it like that it sounds wrong. "You're making it sound cheap."

She slaps my arm once hard. "You're a fucking moron, Edward."

"I'm the moron?"

"Yeah. You're a fucking class act."

"How is this on me?" I ask incredulously. "I told the fucking woman that I loved her and she ran away from me!"

"Lower your voice," she snaps. "Do you know what I would give if I could get on a plane right now and go find Jazz? I would give anything. And instead your stupid ass is sitting on my couch in the middle of the night eating Oreo cookies and watching fucking infomercials."

I drop my head back on the couch and cover my face with my hands. "I can't do it, Al. I can't lose again."

"You risked it with Hannah."

"It was different," I say quietly. "I never loved Hannah. And I could see myself loving Bella… like really loving her."

"You're stupid," she says harshly and it's then that I notice that she's wiping tears from her cheeks. "So fucking stupid, Edward. Because you don't know what you'll miss if you let it go. You have no fucking clue."

"It will destroy me," I say, trying to make her understand.

"I'm still fucking here, aren't I? I lost Jazz and I'm still fucking here. Because that's what you do. And I wouldn't take any of it back ever. Those were the best years of my life and they gave me Skye."

"I feel like it's me," I say quietly. "Like I'm some sort of horrible omen. I love people and then I ruin them."

And then she slaps me hard on the upside of my head. "I don't know why this is so fucking difficult for you to understand but it wasn't your fault. It had nothing to do with you. It was an accident. The end. Stop doing this to yourself."

I rub my face again because I don't want to cry. I don't deserve to cry in front of Alice after all that I've taken from her.

"You know what Jazz would say to you?"

I lift my hands from my face to look at her.

"He'd tell you to stop being such a mother fucking pussy and to go fight for what you want, for what you love, because sometimes second chances are ripped away from you."

"That's you, Al," I say with a pathetic laugh.

"It's a combination of what we'd both say to you." She stands up and kisses my forehead. "Think about what I said. And go to bed because Skye hates people that sleep in."

"Love you."

***

_My head rests on my folded arms and the empty shot glasses in front of me teeter as I try to count them. Too many. Too many to still have thoughts running through my mind. I blink my eyes several times trying to make the glasses hold still. No luck. I reach out trying to grab the only full glass left. I can't help the giggle that slips past my lips as I send several empty glasses flying in my search. _

_I tip the glass too soon and some of the clear liquid trails down my chin and disappears under my shirt. I squirm as it tickles its way down my chest. The rest of the contents make it safely down my throat and I lean back a little and survey the emptying room. If I squint perfectly I can see a few scattered pool tables and more neon signs, but I couldn't read any if my life depended on it._

_Damn vodka. All it's doing is dulling my sight. It was supposed to have a bigger effect on my mind, my memory. But I don't even have to try to see his face in my mind; every time my mind slows he slips in seamlessly. _

"_Ok little girl, no more for you," the bartender states as he starts to gather my glasses. I whine my protest and grasp for them. Those are my friends. They are keeping my company. He holds his hands up and stops his attempts. That's right. Don't mess with my friends._

"_Jussssttt one moooooore?" Good lord I guess I am drunk. I smile what I hope is a charming smile and the bartender just chuckles and shakes his head._

"_I should have cut you off a long time ago, but I let you slide cause your such a cute little thing," he states. He throws me a wink and I squint trying to see him clearly. He kinda looks like Santa Clause and damn if Santa hasn't been skipping me the last couple of years. Bastard owes me all kinds of back presents. _

"_Commee onnn Boooooob the Bartender, just a little?" I hold my fingers just barely apart. I'm almost there, almost to the point where I won't even remember my own name much less his. I clap enthusiastically when he sighs and fills one of my friends slightly._

"_Love you Booooob," I slur. I wonder if that's his name. If it's not he should definitely change it. How fucking catchy is Bob the bartender? I slam back the last of my vodka and smile happily. Now I just wait for the fog to roll in. I shift on the stool and almost fall off trying to get the pain in my ass to shift. I reach into my back pocket and pull out my phone._

_I drop it on the counter like it's on fire and stare at it closely. I forgot I brought that. Wait, I didn't bring that. Didn't I leave it on the floor of the yoga retreat? How the hell did it come along? Is it stalking me?_

_I glare at it for several minutes before picking it up to introduce it to my shot glass friends. My lips feel like they are peeling off and I lick them several times to fix that problem and then I flip the phone open. I blink back at the bright screen and try to focus on the back picture of one of Edward's chucks. _

_My fingers roam over the keys playing with the combos. I somehow end up in the call log and scroll through the long repetition of Edward's name. I mumble his name every time I pass by a call and then I hit send._

_I should be panicked, but instead I press the phone to my ear and wait to hear his voice. Why didn't I do this sooner? Cell phones make things so easy, I could have talked to him, any time, probably even underwater. It rings for a while and I start making up a nonsense song to the rings. _

"_Yeah? Hello?" His sleep laced voice answers and I immediately drop my phone to the ground._

"_Oh no Romeo!" I gasp and then laugh like an idiot because I made a rhyme. I fall to the floor next to the phone and abandon my stool to simply lean against the bar. I press the phone back to me ear._

"_Edward? Is that you?" I ask. Because I can't be sure if it is or if the vodka is taking over my brain._

"_What? Bella? Is that you?" he asks. Maybe Edward is hanging out with Smirnoff tonight too. He sounds really far away, maybe he's underwater. I press the phone closer to my face wanting to be closer to him. But it kind of hurts so I pull back._

"_I'm sorry you didn't like the picture of the seals, but they'd like you and I wanted you to meet them," I inform him. It's true, those seals would have loved Edward, even if all they really seemed to want to do was lay on that rock and get a kick ass tan._

"_Bella," he sighs, "Where are you?" I glance around the room again and still have no clue. He doesn't sound underwater anymore; maybe he came up for air._

"_I'm hanging out with Smirnoff and Bob the bartender and my shot glass friends. You'd like them they're fucking amazing. Especially Bob. He gave me more when he shouldn't have, but don't tell," I inform him. I don't want to get Bob in trouble. Maybe I should get him a Christmas present. Even Santa needs presents right?_

_Edward growls a little and it almost sounds like a tiger. I don't like tigers. _

"_Are you by yourself?" he asks. I roll my eyes. Didn't I just tell him this?_

"_No, I'm with Bob and Smirnoff and the shot glass band. But, I really wish I were with you," I answer. And then the hole in my chest starts acting up again, being all demanding and needing attention._

"_I wish you were with me too. Should I come there? I can be on the next flight out," he says. And I think about Edward with wings, how gorgeous would that be? But then I think about someone shooting him down over somewhere like Wyoming Montana._

"_No, I don't want you to get hurt. You just stay where you are and I'll stay here and I'll listen to you breathe and it'll make me feel better," I instruct him. I could probably attach this phone to my hand permanently so I could have him this close always._

"_Bella, how are you getting home?" he asks. And I look down at my feet._

"_With my feet. I'll put one in front of the other and then try like hell not to fall again. That really hurt," I sigh. I look at my free hand and the blood caked to the palm. It did really hurt. I need a Mr. Bump right about now. Or maybe five. _

"_You still ok little girl?" Bob asks and I stand shakily to look at him. I grin and show him my bloody hand._

"_Ohhhh Bob! You wanna take me home? My Edward wants to know how I'm gonna get home and I don't want to bleed again," I tell him. Bob laughs and hands me a wet cloth. I stare at it before gripping it in my hand. Bad idea, that hurt something fierce. _

"_Sure little girl. Tell your Edward I'll make sure you get home," he replies and I blow him a sloppy kiss. He really is Santa and I believe. I wonder if that means I'll be back on the nice list again._

"_Hear that love love love? Bob is gonna take me home!" I giggle._

"_Bella, what the fuck are you doing? Don't take a ride from a fucking stranger. I want you to tell me where you are. I want to come get you," Edward says. I laugh because he can't come get me, his pretty wings will get shot down and then probably hung on someone's wall and Santa isn't a stranger._

"_You're too far away and Bob is really Santa so everyone knows him," I correct him. I stare at the wall and smile as a fuzzy image becomes an old valentine decoration._

"_Give Bob the phone Bella. Now," Edward says. I happily hold out the phone to Bob who is trying to steal the shot glass band again, but they haven't done their second encore yet._

"_My Edward wants to talk to you and I'm sorry but I told him you were really Santa, so he knows your secret," I admit. Bob laughs and shakes his head before taking the phone from my hand. I pull my tiny friends away from Bob and arrange them on the bar like a real old fashioned rock band ala Led Zeppelin. Except there are too many and I run out of members after I assign a tambourine player. _

_The phone appears in front of my face and I take it back gladly wanting to tell Edward about The Rolling Glasses, the best new band out there._

"_Your boy there is very demanding," Bob says and I roll my eyes. _

"_Doesn't he look like Santa?" I ask Edward._

"_Are you ok?" he asks. I immediately look at my hand again. It's bleeding again. It's all red, like the valentine on the wall._

"_Will you be my valentine my Edward? Even though I was mean and left without leaving you a kiss? Cause if you will then I think my hand will feel better and then I can go to sleep," I ramble. The words gets slower and I feel my blinks getting longer. I wonder if Bob would let me sleep on the floor. Maybe the elves will make me a bed real quick._

"_Can you please remember to call when you get home Bella?" he asks. And I try to remember home. Home isn't here. It isn't in the yoga retreat with Renee. Home is back in the city. Home is in my bed with Edward. At least I think that's what home is._

"_You'll be there when I get home love," I tell him. He should know that. I can't go somewhere he is without him knowing. Maybe he is underwater and that's why he doesn't know that._

"_I think I'm gonna sleep now. The floor is kind of nice and smells like beer. I like beer. Do you love?" I yawn and sink to the floor slowly. _

"_No, no, no, Bella, no floor. Will you stand up for me baby? Stand up and sit on a chair, okay?" Edward is talking too fast. Why would I sit on that nasty stool when the floor is so much closer and so much softer?_

"_You know that I'd pick you first right? Even though I have 23 you're the best one and the only one I can keep," I tell him. It's true. I'll give the other ones away. I already gave them away, like candy. _

"_Ok little girl, let's get you home," Santa Bob says. He reaches down and puts his hands under my arms and lifts me up. I'm probably light compared to all those toy bags. I lean into him, but keep my phone pressed to my ear._

"_Santa Bob is taking me back to the yoga retreat now love. But, you'll be my valentine right? And make my hand better?" I ask. Bob chuckles next to me as he guides us towards the door. I look back at the Rolling Glasses and feel a little bad. I should have given them a standing ovation._

"_Whatever you want. Are you coming home soon Bella?" I listen to Edward's words, but I'm trying to figure out why Bob is pulling me towards a Jeep and not a sled. Santa doesn't drive a jeep._

"_No Santa Bob, I want the reindeer," I tell him. I let my hand fall and the phone falls with it. I watch as it bounces in the grass and closes. The connection is severed and I want my Edward back, but Bob is pushing me into the car. I reach for Romeo, but Bob grabs him and walks around to the driver's seat._

_I sigh and lean my head against the window._

"_You gonna tell me where to take you so your boy doesn't go postal on my ass?" Santa Bob asks. I mutter out the address I have been saying since grade one and let my eyes slide closed. I think the vodka brought Edward back to me. Vodka and Santa finally paid me back for all those missed Christmases. _

_I start humming Jingle Bells and then the car stops. I hear Santa Bob arguing on the phone with someone and then Romeo is pressed against the side of my face again. I smile and clutch at him like a long lost friend._

"_Talk your boy down. Crazy ass fool," Santa Bob tells me. He mumbles a little more before getting out of the car. I watch as he walks around. I wonder if Renee would like Santa Bob and then shudder. I would never do that to him._

"_Love? Did you feel it when you hit the ground?" I ask him. I think he was talking, but I didn't hear it._

"_What? Bella, go inside your house now. Are you home baby? Go inside and get into your bed for me." Edward is so serious and obviously doesn't know where I am. I can't go home. Home is far, far away, along with my bed. All I have here is Renee's house and my futon. Bob opens my door and I fall out._

"_Say goodnight to Bob and go inside Bella. Now." I salute my invisible commander and turn to Santa Bob._

"_Night Bob. Say hello to Vixen for me," I tell him. I stand up on my tiptoes and only falter for a second as I press a sloppy kiss to his cheek. He laughs and walks around his car again. I brace the railing and walk towards the door._

"_I want my bed Edward," I whine. I want to sit on the step, but Edward said I have to go in._

"_You're almost there. Are you inside yet?" he asks. I look up the steps that look like a mountain to the door. The lights inside call my name. Wait, why are the lights on?_

"_No, there's a mountain and the lights are on," I answer. I pull on the railing again and take on the mountain. Just before I can pull on the doorknob, it opens like magic. I do believe in Santa. That is until I see Renee. _

"_Are you coming home soon Bella?" he asks. I think he asked me that before or maybe the Rolling Glasses did. I can't be sure. I step around my glaring mother and into the house. There. I did what he told me._

"_Home will wait for me love. Renee is going to burn me alive with her eyes. Keep my side warm?" I ask. And then the phone is taken from my hand, shut and tossed on one of the ridiculously overstuffed couches in the room._

"_You are going to go to the kitchen. Drink enough Coffee to power a small college campus and then we are going to talk young lady," Renee states. There is a new commander in town. I miss the other one._

***

I groan when forty pounds of pure energy land on my chest. There's a fucking wake up call. And I just fucking got to sleep too. It took me forever to calm down enough to pass out after Bella's phone calls.

"What is this?" I ask, opening up my eyes to look up into Skye's laughing ones. "Huh?"

She giggles and pats both of my cheeks. Her dark hair is a complete mess and a complete contrast to her pale skin and blue eyes. She is the embodiment of her parents down to her little fingers.

"It's time to wake up," she sings and leans down to kiss me.

"Says who?" I wrap my hands around her waist to keep her from falling off of me. It must be nice to wake up like this every day, with a happy, innocent little kid who just loves you.

"Says me!" She giggles and puts her hands down on my shoulders. "I wanna play wif you."

"Oh yeah?"

"Yeah! And mama said you wanna tell me a story about a pretty girl named Bella."

Fucking Alice. I'm going to fucking kill her.

"Is Bella better than Cruella?" she asks curiously and I groan. After Skye watched 101 Dalmatians for the first time, she took to calling Hannah Cruella. And it obviously stuck because her immature mother encouraged it.

"I wanna tell you a different story." She tilts her head and looks at me curiously. "It's a story about this pretty little girl named Skye." Her smile lights up her entire face because she's Alice's daughter.

"My Prince has to be named Edward," she informs me and I feel my heart squeeze.

"Well, this isn't a story about her Prince. This is a story about what happened to little Skye when she woke her Uncle up."

Her eyes widen and she tries to squirm out of my grasp. "No, no, stay here. I want you to hear this."

"But mama made pancakes," she says. "Your favorite kind! So I had to wake you up!"

"It doesn't matter. Pretty little Skye got punished for waking her uncle up."

Her eyes widen. "What did he do? She was just trying to be nice!"

"He…" and then I start tickling her. Peels of high pitched kid laughing went directly into my ear and from there, to my heart. She squirmed and laughed until tears were sliding down her cheek. "Did pretty little Skye ever do that again?" I ask when she stops laughing.

She looks up at me and nods. Huh. I guess I'm fated to be surrounded by stubborn women who do whatever they want for the rest of my life.

"Really?"

"Yes, Edward," she says and rolls her eyes as if I'm a huge idiot. "Because Skye loves her Uncle."

I pull her down and hug her to my chest. "I love you, kid."

"I love you too. Can we go have pancakes now? Mama put M&Ms in them again because you're here."

"All you think about is food."

"No," she says and rests her cheek against my chest. "I think about a lot of things."

"Oh, yeah?"

"Like I think about my fish George who is in heaven with daddy," she says. "And I think about that time mama spilled juice on Cruella. Because that makes me laugh." I close my eyes and shake my head. "And I think about you cause I love you and miss you."

"I think about you too. How about we make a deal?"

"Can we make the deal while we eat pancakes?"

I laugh and lean down to kiss her cheek. "Go ahead I'll be right there."

I go into the bathroom and I'm surprised that Skye didn't run from me screaming when I opened my eyes to greet her. They're bloodshot from not sleeping and some crying and the circles beneath them are so dark they look fake. Like maybe I drew them on and colored them in myself.

I don't want to think about Bella's phone call last night right now. She was drunk and incoherent and I almost had a panic attack when she said she was getting a ride home from someone she dubbed Santa Claus. Dudes that look like Santa Claus always make me uneasy.

I look at my phone but I haven't missed any calls or texts since the last one last night. I got hung up on twice. And why is it that she can't fucking contact me when she's sober? Why is she only okay enough to call me when she's 25 shots of Smirnoff deep?

I bang out a quick text message asking her what happened to her hand. Not that I'm expecting a response but she kept going on about it last night and I was too distracted worrying about her not dying to ask.

I think I'm gonna head back into the city later. I've ignored my life enough at this point and I need to get back to work at some point before I lose my job.

"Oh, are those mine?" I ask and grab Skye's plate from in front of her. "These look delicious."

"Edward!" She tries to grab for the plate but I hold it out of reach. "Those are mine! Mama made more for you."

"But I want these ones."

"But those ones are mine," she tries again. "You can have the ones over there."

"I want these though. I thought you love me."

She huffs and blows a raspberry in frustration. "I do love you. But I love my pancakes too. You can have a bite and then go get your own."

I laugh and put the plate down and kiss her head. "I'm just joking, kid. Hey, Al." I walk over to wear she's standing by the island reading the paper and pinch her arm hard. "You know who Skye asked me about?"

She blinks and feigns innocence. "I have no idea what you're talking about. Let go of my arm."

"Just remember," I say with a nod and walk over to the pancakes, "payback sucks."

"Mama, Edward is gonna make a deal with me. I love deals."

"What's the deal?" Alice asks and watches me with disgust as I pour syrup onto a pancake, fold it in half, and then bite into it. "You're such a pig. We have plates."

"No need," I say through a full mouth. "Anyway, the deal is once a month I come here to see my favorite girl… girls. And once a month you guys have to come home and visit me."

Alice's eyes narrow at me and she shakes her head. "You can come here. We're not coming there."

"Mama!" Skye shouts. "I like the deal."

"No," she says, her eyes never leaving mine.

"What happened to letting go?" I ask her quietly, because Alice has only been back home twice since Jasper died. "She deserves to see her family. All of her family."

"Fuck you, Edward."

"Just think about it," I say and wrap my arm around her shoulders.

She swipes at her eyes and turns her face towards my chest because she never lets Skye see her cry. "Skye, did Edward tell you about Bella?" I groan and pinch her side. "Maybe when we come home you can meet her, Skye."

"Oh, yes! She's not like Cruella, right? She's better?"

I hear Alice giggling against my chest and I shake my head. "Yes, she's better. It depends on if she's busy or not," I tell her.

"She doesn't wanna meet me?" And I can hear the wavering that Skye has already managed to master at 4 years old. I don't have to look to know that her eyes are wide and her bottom lip is jutted out and trembling.

I sigh. "Of course she wants to meet you. Wanna go watch Dora?"

"Yes! Are you gonna watch with me?" she asks.

"Duh. Go start it up I'll be right there."

When she runs out of the room I look down at Alice who's still wiping the remnants of tears from her cheeks. "She sees her family," she says indignantly.

"Not enough." I wrap my arms around her and pull her to my chest. "I know it's hard."

"You never go home either!"

"I know. But if you're there, I'll be there, okay?"

"Fine," she says and wipes the rest of her tears off on my shirt.

"Why don't you go out or something? Take the day. I'll watch Skye."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah, Al, go."

"What are you doing about Bella?" she asks me.

"I'm gonna go home tonight," I say with a small shrug, not willing to talk about the phone call last night. "And I'm gonna wait for her."

***

_My mother shoves another cup of coffee at me and I groan and then lean over the sink to vomit. Fantastic. Mocha flavored puke. Great at 6 in the morning. I groan and turn on the faucet rinsing my mouth out several times before resting my forehead against the cool ceramic of the sink._

"_You ready to talk yet?" my mother asks and I glare at her as I take the coffee cup and take a slow sip. She is ruining coffee for me for life. I swear if she starts shoving sour patches down my throat next I am going boycott her position as my mother. _

"_I don't know what else to do Isabella. This is not you. You're not that person. What happened to you?" she pleads. Hearing her say those words pisses me off. I hate when she talks like this. Like she knows who I am. Like she spent as much time on me as she did on her constant stream of men in her life. I grit my teeth and take another sip of coffee even though most of my Smirnoff is now washed down the sink._

_I raise my free hand to my eyes and rub hard. It hurts like hell, but obviously I am not allowed to sleep. I stagger backwards out of exhaustion rather than alcohol and land unceremoniously in a kitchen chair. The only time I am actually thankful for these god awful cushions._

"_And who am I, mother?" I ask. I raise an eyebrow and wait for her answer. This should be interesting. She sighs and sits carefully in the chair across from me. Her eyes stay on the tablecloth rather than me. I lean forward and wait._

"_You're not me," she whispers and I almost fall out of my fucking chair. I lean back and her words swim in my mind, circling over and over. Isn't that what this was all about? I take a few heavy breaths. Suddenly all the coffee catches up with my empty stomach. I lean forward and cradle my head in my hands._

"_Isabella, I think there is something I need to tell you," she continues, but I can't move. I'm holding on to her words with every ounce of strength I have, which isn't much at this point. She knows. She knows what I've been trying to do. I'm not her._

"_Your father, Isabella…." Her voice cracks and so does her perfect posture and demeanor. The urge to reach to her is there, but not stronger enough to move my hand from my head._

"_My father what?" I demand. The elusive Charlie who donated his sperm and little more to what would become me. His name has been taboo in my life. Not that I am complaining. I never felt that loss. How can you miss someone who never existed in your mind? Renee takes a deep breath and straightens her back._

"_When your father and I met I was so smitten. He was everything I was told not to want, but I couldn't help myself. I let him pull me in and I let myself go. When we found out about you it seemed perfect to me. A fairy tale. A baby with the love of my life," Renee breathes. I am leaning towards her enthralled. This is the closest thing to a bed time story I have ever gotten and coupled with the information about my father it's the best fucking story I've ever heard. _

"_But he had plans. He wanted to enter the army. See the world, fight the forces of evil and I would have followed him. I would have gone anywhere, but he didn't let me try. I woke up one morning, throwing up and he was gone. He left a copy of his reporting orders and that was it." Renee finally meets my eyes and I feel like a child who has just been told Santa isn't real. Suddenly last night blares through my mind, but I push it aside. Not now._

"_And, Renee? What does that have to do with me?" I ask because I am selfish like that and even though this is the most vulnerable I have ever seen my mother I still can't find those feelings of adoration and sympathy. Love, sure, but the kind of love you feel for an oak tree you've had in your backyard all your life. _

"_So that's why. The answer to the question you've asked me silently your entire life. Why I am the way I am with men. I leave them before they can leave me," she states. Her eyes are sad, but her words are too the point, direct. My mouth opens and shuts several times. It can't be that simple. There's more. There has to be._

"_Seriously? You've hurt that many men just to protect yourself? How can you possible think that's right?" I demand. The throbbing on my head playing a low second to this moment._

"_I never said it was logical or the right thing Isabella. But it's the reason," she answers coolly. I remove my hands from my head to let them clench into fists. I gave her more credit than that. I thought it was something so much more complex, hell I thought it was something that she could have passed onto me genetically it was so damned complex. _

"_Do you have any idea what your defense mechanism has done to me? To Edward?" I choke out the last words because his name was never supposed to come up. She wasn't supposed to know about him. Her eyes slide closed in what looks like relief. And I'm pissed about that to. She shouldn't even think his name._

"_So that's his name," she sighs. My breathing speeds up and I rush to the sink again, emptying my stomach and I heave long after everything has exited. I pull on the faucet and stick my face under the stream of water. I feel a hand rub over my back, but I pull away harshly._

"_I know that look Isabella. I had it once and lived it over and over again. Why did you leave him?" she asks softly. It should be unintruding, but I feel like she's trying to pry open my darkest corners and inspect them. She reaches for me again, but I bristle away from her touch._

"_I didn't want to be you. All my life it's all I wanted. I never dreamt of being a ballerina, or a movie star or even a fucking doctor. I just wanted to not be you," I hiss. She doesn't flinch at my words. _

"_You never were. I was always in awe of you. This person I helped create, but was lifetimes ahead of me. So smart and confident. It's all I wanted for you too. For you not to be me," she whispers. _

_I shake my head as the previously dormant tears prick my eyes. I use my sleeve to wipe them away harshly. Who is this woman? Where was she when I was going through puberty or hell any other significant moment of my life?_

"_This is bullshit Renee. Why the hell did you wait all this time to tell me this?" I demand. She braces herself on the counter and takes a deep breath._

"_Because this is the first time I really worried that I had failed you. That the one thing I wanted for you hadn't happened. So I'm going to try to fix it. Get out of this house Isabella," she commands. I fall back a little with the force of her words. She's telling me to leave, but I don't know if I can._

"_It's too late. All your noble efforts didn't work Renee. I'm broken. I can't go back because I can't give him what he needs. You gave your love to everyone but me and now I don't know how to give it. The most fundamental of things and I don't even know how," I laugh bitterly. She pushes forward and right into my face._

"_That is the real bullshit Isabella," she sneers and I balk. I've never heard my mother swear, ever. She places her hands on either side of my face and immediately think of Emmett and his efforts days ago. The tears pour down my face, but I don't care._

"_I've seen you with the people you love. I've seen they way you take care of and love your friends. Don't pretend you don't know how. You KNOW how. I didn't teach you, but you know," she insists. I swallow and put my arms around her. My palms burn in protest as I clutch her, but I don't care. _

"_He needs better than me," I protest. She shakes her head and grits her teeth. _

"_Don't decide what he needs. Don't write him off. Keep being what you want to be, keep not being me Isabella. It's easy all you have to do is fight," she presses. I lean my forehead against hers. _

"_I didn't fight. I could have tracked Charlie down and forced him to listen, forced him to feel my love, but I ran. I came home where it was safe. So don't be me. Fight," she states. And I nod against her. I can do this. I can fight. Maybe not in the literal sense, but I would take someone down for Edward. I would. I will._

_***_

**Hit the green button...you know you want to....**


	23. Chapter 23

**A/N It has been ages and we have no good excuses. you're feedback was amazing, better than red velvet, but life took over for a bit. Forgive us? **

**Here's the next piece along with a promise that we won't that long EVEr again. pinkie promise. Props to the fantastic off-the-deep-end :)**

*******

_Flying is fucking ridiculous. I mean, how much time is wasted on those speeches on what to do in case of a crash? Honestly if we were crashing I would slip my headphones on, find Joni in my last moments and hope really fucking hard that it would all end quickly. Pessimistic I know but I would rather my last moments to be filled with good music than people screaming to put on life vests that I inflate with my mouth. How good can a life vest be that I inflate with my mouth?_

_I digress. I sit watching the stewardess pass through the plane once again with her open trash bag and wish that we would just land already. My fingers drum impatiently on the armrest and the man next to me glares before turning his head to attempt to sleep facing away from me. No big loss there. Harry there opted for a sleep aid called bourbon and it was being breathed all over me._

_This flight never seemed so long. It could be the horrible reruns they are trying to pass as in-flight entertainment or it could be that I feel like every moment I am away from him, every extra second there's a bigger chance he won't be there. Like Edward is the invisible man and if I don't get there before a certain time he'll disappear forever or turn into a pumpkin._

_And if he is gone….good for him. It's really too damn hopeful of me to think that I am going to be able to fix this. I left him in the middle of the night with nothing. In the middle of the night when he said those words to me. And I have answers for him now, at least some answers, but it doesn't make it better._

_I glance at the notebook lying on the tray table in front of me and twist the pen between my fingers restlessly. The plan was to write things down, to make things go more smoothly. To have something to fall back on when my words get all tangled in my mouth like they tend to do. But, nothing is coming. Because I don't want to write down what I'll say. I want to say it, to him._

_The possibility of him outright rejecting me isn't looming enough to erase the overwhelming need I have to be near him. And then the itch returns. The body consuming itch that I know will only calm when he is in front of me. And I feel like I might vomit again._

_When Renee asked me to spend the day with her before taking the red eye it seemed like a good idea. To grasp onto the fleeting mother daughter moment we were having and hope to get even more hope or confidence or some other shit from her to take back with me. Because I really need it. _

_I didn't think about how it would just make it longer until I would see him. _

_I glance at the tiny screen in front of me which shows the plane over a cartooned image of the country. We're close. _

_I force my eyes shut and try to pretend to sleep. It's been almost 48 hours since I've slept, but I don't give a flying fuck. There are too many other things to do rather than sleep. Like think about the verbal beat down Emmett gave me when I called and asked for a ride from the airport. Apparently he doesn't think highly of me at the moment. But his overgrown ass couldn't say no, so that's one thing I have going for me._

_The airplane jerks slightly and I reach for my phone. I know this is against all kinds of rules, but I can't help myself. My eyes roam the cabin making sure no one is going to be the wiser and I power it up. I instantly open my inbox and stare at the last message there. _

'_What happened to your hand?'_

_I didn't even turn my phone on til I was at the airport and there was only enough battery to call Emmett. I glance down at my hand and mutter a few choice words when I see that the blood has seeped through the band-aids yet again. This is never going to heal._

_The captain comes over the intercom and I shove the phone back into my bag. No sense in getting a second verbal lashing today. Edward's question baffled me. I expected something more profound, more demanding after my night with Smirnoff. But the simplicity of it scares the hell out of me. The lack of irrational anger and worry makes me think that I really might be too late. _

_I force my eyes closed and they stop stinging momentarily. My mind swirls with the possibilities and the fear. I won't deny that the urge to run is still there. It's very much alive, but it has fewer motives now, less ground. So I am keeping it at bay. _

_The plane bounces a landing and my heart speeds up. I'm nervous as hell and time must know it because it speeds up all of the sudden and before I know it I am the only one left on the plane. _

_I almost lose a fight with the overhead compartment as I try to pull my suitcase down. I pull with all my might and narrowly miss losing an eye as it finally comes loose. I drag it down the aisle and try to smile at the stewardess. She glares back so I must still be missing that skill._

_The noise and pace of the airport brings me a small amount of peace. It's impossible to focus to stand out when there are so many other things going on. This is why I live in the city. _

_I somehow avoid maiming anyone with my suitcase as I push towards the doors. The closer I get the slower I move. I want to do this, need to do this, but the bit in between, Emmett, is going to be painful. I stand in front of the automatic doors, not caring the people are bumping into me from all angles. I just watch the doors slide open and closed over and over. _

_Once I cross that threshold everything changes. I have to change. There will be no more running. No more hiding behind my mother, her flaws or my newly dubbed irrational fears. I'm going to have to give him every part of me, even the bits I don't like very much and hope he still thinks that he might be able to think about still wanting me._

_One final shove from behind and I'm through the doors. I start walking down the sidewalk towards Emmett and my meeting place. I hear the obnoxious honking of the horn before I see him. It's too bad I really don't embarrass easily because he is going to all this effort for nothing._

_I finally raise my eyes towards the noise. He's all but standing on the roof of his car waving one arm like an idiot while the other is wound inside still pounding his undeserving horn. I wave like a fool and he looks mildly defeated. Stupid oaf will never give up trying to humiliate me._

_I open the rear door and shove my suitcase in before pulling open the passenger door and slide inside. I reach across the center console and pinch Emmett's leg. That does the trick. He finally lets the horn rest and slides back into the car. _

"_There you are. You find me ok? It's crazy out there," he breathes. I roll my eyes and bring my knees to my chest. Emmett's pulls away from the curb and begins weaving through the traffic, throwing the bird and his new favorite, his horn frequently. _

"_It's a small miracle I found you. You just blend in SO well," I quip. He smirks and glances over at me quickly. I shift my weight towards the door. _

"_You look worse than shit Iz," he states. So tactful. It's a small wonder he doesn't have the women lining up for a chance at him. I sigh and resist running my finger through my hair. It's braided and that's the only thing keeping it from being revealed as the greasy mess it is. _

"_Awwww thanks Em. You look pretty shitty yourself," I answer reaching over to pinch his cheek. He growls and pulls his face away from my fingers. Silence settles back in and I let it warm me, bring me comfort. Quiet is the better option in this case. _

_It's a small shame the drive is scenic because my bleary eyes turn every street corner to mush. He turns the car towards our place and I gasp._

"_No, I need to see him," I argue. Emmett sighs heavily and keeps the car on course. I turn my body towards him and cross my arms over my chest. I am not stupid enough to reach for the wheel. Some common sense will never fully abandon me._

"_Just come home Iz. Take a shower, sleep and then go see him," he argues. At least he doesn't think he is going to stop me from completely seeing him. One obstacle down. _

"_You can take me there, but I'll just take the subway over. I can't go home. I have to see him now, it has to be the first thing I do," I ramble. I feel my hand start to shake and it could just be the lack of food and sleep, but I'm sure it has more to do with the fact that I am terrified._

_Emmett jerks the car over to the side of the road ignoring the blaring horns and turns to face me. I cower against the far door again and wait for his words to hit me._

"_You fucking left him, Iz. You had such a good thing going and you left. And you know where he came first? Do you?" he demands. I can only guess. It would be where I would expect him to go. I chew my lip and nod._

"_He was a mess. Trying to call the fucking hospitals and the cops because he didn't know. You didn't even give him a sneak peak of your best act. I had to tell him, and then watch him fall apart."_

_I hang my head. I knew it would be bad, but it wasn't supposed to be like that. Hadn't I tried to tell him? Not that I'm not ready to take the blame. I am. Willingly. _

"_Doesn't change anything. I still need to see him," I reply. Emmett shakes his head and then leans it against the wheel queuing his favorite sound effect of the day. He turns his head, but the background blare is still persistent._

"_Even if it won't do him any good?" he asks. I shake my head. This is what he wants. He needs to hear it from me, deserves to be my first priority._

"_Even if he breaks me in two," I answer. Emmett sighs and pulls back into traffic and towards Edwards. Someone, something, anything help me through this. I'm hoping for a tiny leprechaun or something of that nature, but I am no position to be picky._

***

Being home again only reminds me of exactly how alone I am. There's no little footsteps running towards me, there's no Alice to give me Indian rubs on my forearms. There's no Bella.

There's just me in an empty apartment with an aching chest.

This, being alone doing nothing, is the most dangerous I've come to learn. Your brain and your heart both become far too vulnerable to the thoughts and feelings and memories that you've been trying to keep at bay.

When I close my eyes I see one of two things: Bella's brown eyes or Skye's blue ones. It becomes a game of brown versus blue until they blend and just morph into a combination of both until I can't breathe from the pain of it.

I suppose I deserve it. Skye lost Jasper because of me before she even got the chance to know him. I lost Bella before I had the opportunity to really love and be loved by her.

There's only one place I should be right now. Only one song I should be listening to.

I go into the spare room and set the player up. It starts playing and I close my eyes and let the music seep into me. This was always his favorite song.

"And did they get you to trade your heroes for ghosts? Hot ashes for trees? Hot air for a cool breeze? Cool comfort for change?" I let the lyrics wash over me and hug Jolene closer to my chest. "And did you exchange a walk on part in the war for a lead role in a cage? How I wish, how I wish you were here."

I hear the doorknob turn and my head snaps up. Nobody should be here. I curl my fingers into fists and squeeze tightly as the door opens slowly.

And then there she is. And I almost feel like I'm hallucinating, like I just wish she were here so badly that I'm imagining her now.

She steps inside and her eyes are so sad and represent every single little thing that I've ever lost.

***

_The door opens and hits the wall, bouncing back at me, but I can't move. I just look at him looking at me. My eyes scream in protest as I force them to stay open, unblinking. I'm not sure why I thought he would look different. _

_I rip my eyes from his and glance down at the silent guitar in his hands and over towards the record player. And that song. God that song. Wishful thinking wants it to mean something literal, to hope I may have inspired the choice, but I'm not allowed those kinds of thoughts right now. I should have let Emmett just take me home._

_Time drags on and he just stares, obviously not going to say the first words. I swallow trying to prep myself for what needs to be a monumental explanation, an earth shattering apology._

"_Hey," Is all I can mutter and I have already failed at this. Shit. That was hardly the moving moment I wanted it to be. His eyes finally tire of me and lower to his guitar. I watch as his hands tighten their hold and want to reach out. I want to pull his hands from the guitar and let them take their aggression out on me. I deserve that much._

"_I'm back," I stutter. Strike two. Who knew I could be this eloquent? I grit my teeth in frustration and glare down at my toes. This was not how this was supposed to go. My feet take several steps forward, but my eyes hold onto their fix on my toes and I hit a tower of boxes, but they take me out rather than the other way around._

_I tumble towards the ground and once again my palms take the abuse. They slide along the hard wood ad I can feel the blood. I take a couple of deep breaths and let the tears come. They were bound to make an appearance. Slowly I move backwards, leaning back on my legs. Resting on the backs of my calves as I watch the blue and yellow band aids change to purple and orange. A lesson in color right on my hands._

_I keep my eyes down and away from him because I think more clearly that way. I can do this. I have to do this._

"_I'm not going to insult you by even using the word sorry, love. That word doesn't even begin to describe what I feel about what I did," I say. Because I don't think the word exists. I wipe harshly at my face no doubt leaving blood in the place of tears._

"_There are so many things I want to say, God I wish I could just let you see things through my eyes. Like a projector. I would make things so much easier," I ramble. I don't know how to do this. The leaving was easy instinctual, but the coming back is a first. I hear his sigh, but it does little to calm me down or push me on._

"_When you said those words, told me how you felt, I couldn't deal with that. I couldn't imagine them being true and I didn't want you to feel that way." This is not working damn my mouth and mind._

"_Not that I didn't want that from you, it made me feel indescribable. Treasured and appreciated like I have never felt before, but I wanted more for you. I wanted more for you. Better even," I press the words towards him. I finally raise my yes and can barely make him out through the tears still falling. But I can do this the right way._

"_I should have told you so long ago. Hell, I should come with a disclaimer 'does not know how to love' because it's true. I don't know how. I wouldn't be able to label it if I tried. And you're just, so you and full of this amazing care and warmth and it shouldn't be wasted on me," I argue with his silent words. I raise the bottom of my shirt to wipe at my face and hear his breath hiss out. I shove the shirt back down. That wasn't dirty play. I wasn't flashing my bra to better my case, I promise._

"_It's a shitty excuse. It sounds just as bad from my end, but it's the truth. I'm not going to get into my mother and my trust fund baby sob story because it's just more of the same excuses and that's not what I want to say here," I grit. Deep breaths are key, in and out, in and out, repeat._

"_The reason I felt like I could come here is because of the future. The mother issues, the sob story, the 22, it's all the past, but I'm here because I am hoping like hell you'll want my future," I offer. And it feels like I am laying my soul in front of him._

"_I came back for you because I am going to fight my past and my problems like hell to have you. Because those words are new and scary, but I want to say them. I want to mean them," I state. This is hard. Harder that running. Everything is there for him to see. Details aside, he knows now. Knows what I want and it's in his hands. _

"_I call bullshit," he sneers and I sink even closer to the ground. All my words are shattered at his response, sent flying across the floor like discarded trash._

"_I know you love Angela and Emmett and even that stupid tool Jake. I've seen you love people so whatever this is, whatever your hesitation with me is, it has nothing to do with your mother or your past or whatever and everything to do with me," he argues. My memories of my mother's words lace with his and I wonder if they know me better than I do. I feel like a façade that people are filling in without my consent. I sake my head violently and clench my fists, not caring about the pain._

"_I meant every word. You have no fucking idea how hard that was for me to say," I snap. Because if he is going to destroy my words I will at least bite back. And anger is filling._

"_And the thing is, I'm not willing to risk losing anybody ever again. I've done it and I just…I fucking can't. And obviously you're not sure enough about this for me to feel even remotely comfortable loving you," he breaks through my thoughts and I am deflated. The tears take on new force because this is worse than I thought. _

"_Don't tell me what I am sure about. I spent a week in hell trying to do right by you, trying to let you leave me behind and it fucking kills me that I am here. I hate that I want you so badly that I am being the selfish ass I try to not be. I hate that every text you sent me ripped a hole through my heart and I hate that you get to decide whether or not my truths or good enough. Because even if you don't want to believe them, even if you don't like them they're still my truths," I manage. I try to stand, but my legs are weak and slightly asleep from my position and I fall back to the floor._

"_And if I'm not someone you're 'comfortable' loving I guess it's for the better. Maybe I did the right thing by leaving because if all it takes for you to change your mind is a week away from me maybe I'm not ready to give you everything I have like I thought," I whisper. The walls are coming back up. The walls I had torn down to come here tonight are now being carefully reconstructed._

"_I don't know about this emotion that has newly been named love in my mind, but I know for it to work it has to last for more than a week," I add. _

_His movement is deafening in the quiet room, the record player long since done playing its song. His hands appear in my line of sight and I inch backwards not wanting to add physical pain to the mental beating he has just given me, but his hands are persistent and he grasps my hand and pulls it towards him._

_The blood has created little paths off the sides of my palms and down my wrist. Its horrible looking, but I can't feel a thing. His fingers gently pick at the band-aids, revealing the source of the blood slowly and methodically. The run defense is gaining strength inside of me, but as long as he is touching me I'm not going to move. I'll savor each moment his searing hands are on mine because it could be the last time._

"_I didn't change my mind because of the time you were away. I'm not comfortable because of how you left. Because if you can get up and leave me in the middle of the night after I've said something like that to you, what's going to stop you from doing it again? You have to understand something. I need to protect myself, I'll die if I lose anybody ever again the way I lost….well, whatever. I just can't fucking do it. I just can't fucking do it, Bella. It can't be my fault again and it will be my fault. For pushing you into something that you're not ok with. I just can't. I can't.," he explains. I pull my hand from his grasp and scramble into the corner._

"_Then we can't do this. Nothing about this is going to be comfortable Edward. It's going to be messy and a fucking mini battle every day, but I'm willing to do that for you. I'm willing to risk myself for you because that's what I think I should do. What everything inside of me is telling I will do willingly to have you around. I can't tell you it's going to be ok or that I won't still run out. All I can say is that I am going to try. Try harder and want it more than anything else. If that's not enough, then I need to go," I stammer because I don't want to fucking go. He reaches for me again, a sigh heavy on his lips._

"_Come into the bathroom so I can clean that," he commands, but I hold my hand at my chest._

"_No Edward. Don't hide behind my hand. I'm not going to let you fix me up and send me on my way so your guilt will be sated. I'm here for all of you not for medical care. I need you to need me the way I need you. To want me more than yourself, because if you don't feel that way I can go home and Emmett will take care of my hand there," I demand. My chest heaves with the effort of the words. I won't take this leap, make this jump for someone who doesn't know if he wants me. It's already taken too much out of me. He rakes his hand through his hair and adjusts his glasses._

"_Someone who doesn't want you? Are you fucking kidding me, Bella? I, voluntarily, changed my entire life because of how fucking badly I wanted you. And I would do it all over again. Don't sit there and tell me that I don't want you and all of that other crap. I want to clean your hand so it doesn't bleed all over my floor not to clear my conscience. I just don't fucking know if I can handle being with you if that means second guessing everything for the rest of my life. I need you now and I'll need you even more later and if you fucking leave me, if you're gone, it will kill me. I know it will." _

_He moves closer to me with each word and I can't make myself move, plus being in a corner there really isn't anywhere to go. My body being the natural traitor it is leans into him, hungry for the warmth radiating off him. My hand moves from my chest to his, heedless of the blood I am continuing to spread._

"_I'm not going to leave you," I say solidly because it's true. Because at this point I am in no position to leave him ever again. My whole knowledge of love and need and want are wrapped up in this man and I'm just waiting for him to tell me if that's ok. His eyes drift down to my hand and he takes it carefully from his chest and wraps his fingers around my wrist drawing me into the bathroom._

_I trail behind him happy to let him take the lead. We leave the room and suddenly that action makes everything said in there more real, like I'm hearing it all clearly for the first time. Hearing the little bits and pieces about losing someone, again. _

_The sound of running water draws me back to him and I wince as he holds my hand under the scalding water. The silence in the room makes me want to fill it, not because it's awkward, but because things need to be said._

"_What do I need to do to make you understand? What can I say to make you feel the way you felt before I left?" I plead. Anything he wants, needs. I'm there now._

"_I…" his voice trails off and he sighs focused on my hand and the trail of pink my blood is leaving in the sink. "How did you do this to yourself?"_

_I want to clench my fist because he's doing it again. But, this is about him so I'll let him have his moment._

"_It was a group effort really. The glass in my mother's window, the pavement and I think I might have helped it along at some point," I sigh. It doesn't really matter how it happened. He removes my hand from the water and begins drying it carefully, barely touching it with the hand towel._

_He pulls away to reach for something under the sink and I almost whimper like the dependant puppy I am. I should be embarrassed about being this way, but it feels good. Makes me feel like maybe I'm not the only person looking out for me, like I have a partner in crime._

_"I lost someone that was really close to me a few years ago. And... well, it was my fault. And god, Bella, I can just see myself getting in so deep with you because, yeah, I love you. And you left and now I'm just fucking scared, okay? I just... I need some time and some space to think about all of it." _

_He keeps his eyes down, focused on wrapping gauze around my hand. All I can think is that he's opening up. He's going to show me all his broken parts and I want all of them. I want to gather them up and spend years putting them back in place with nothing but bubble gum if I have to._

"_Think about what love? Who do you keep talking about?" I press gently. I don't want to be greedy about my collection of broken pieces, but I want to start making him whole._

"_Think about if I can actually do this. If I can risk it," he whispers and just like that all my hope is gone. I feel the pieces I almost had slipping through my fingers. Even worse I feel the broken pieces I was ready to give him retreat back inside of me cutting deeper grooves in my insides._

_I take my hand carefully from his, willing his eyes to rise to mine, but he keeps them on the ground. I can't make him let me love him, but I can keep pushing. I pull my broken pieces back out, not letting them retreat. I lick my lips several times._

"_I, uh, I guess I'll go then," I say. I turn to leave, but twirl around at the last moment. He won't be allowed to doubt me._

"_You can think about it love, but I've already decided. I'm going to be that person for you. The one who pushes when you don't want to be pushed and sees you at the absolute worst. So let me know when you're ready for that," I tell him. I bolt from the room before he can say otherwise because I am going to be optimistic. I have to be. It's my secret weapon in this fight._

***

I don't want to move from this spot. I want to sit here on this floor with this music for the rest of my life. Bad things don't happen in here. Nobody else can get in here. It's just me and the songs and whatever memories I choose to remember.

The good things. Like the way Bella used to smile up at me. And the way she looked when she put my ring on, like it belonged there, and she belonged to me. For once it felt like someone belonged to me. It was the moment I fell in love with her.

But her smiles morph into tears and bleeding palms. She shouldn't have come in here. She shouldn't know this. I should've known better all along that people like Bella could never be with someone like me. I'm messed and I don't deserve her. Not after all I've done.

I squeeze my eyes shut tight because even if I don't deserve it, I can remember the good things.

I can remember Jasper flying off the stage into the open arms of a screaming crowd. I can hear his crazy insane laughter when I crouched down, drunk, to yank my snow boots off and accidentally pissed all over myself.

I put my hands on the sides of my head and shake it violently. I don't want to remember. I feel the tears slide down my cheeks, hot and fat.

I don't want to remember.

It's Bella's fault that I'm remembering. Bella and her sad eyes and her love and her bleeding hands and her fucking leaving me. Bella who brought me back to life to leave me stranded. Bella and her little hands and her fierce hugs and her kisses.

The sobs rack my body now—all sense of reason gone. I fall over and curl up on my side on the hardwood floor.

I wrap my arms around my knees and let the music lull me to sleep.

I need the contact and this is the only kind I can get. The safest kind, anyway.

***

**A/N hit the little green button to give edward a good shove towards forgiveness....we all know he needs it.**


	24. Chapter 24

**A/N First and foremost HUGE amount of thanks and gratitude go to the fabulous off-the-deep-end who rec'd us and brought a ton of new readers. And to all of you....WELCOME! We're so excited to have all of you here and reviewing (crosses fingers and waits for last bit).**

**Enjoy the update and there will be a brief q&A at the end!**

***

_My finger hovers over the send button. Besides the fact that my cell phone has made me a complete addict and I should be resisting furthering that problem, this was a rash move. Calling this number, talking to this person would send me down a path that I couldn't come back from. It was something that I wouldn't be able to erase._

_I feel lightheaded and a little nauseous. That's a sign right? Some sick son of fate telling me to stop now? I clench my eyes shut and press send._

_This is all supposed to be part of my plan. My big overstated gesture to show him that I mean business, that he was worth the effort and the sheer scared shitlessness that this moment represented. My better judgment, and Emmett, had told me to leave well enough alone, but I couldn't do that._

_There were too many references, too many painful cracks in his voice to just let this slide. There was someone in his life that he lost and it was his own personal black hole. I have only recently built the initial bridge over my personal black hole with plans of filling it soon. _

_My toe twitches in nervousness as I listen to the ringing on the other end of Romeo. It didn't take much to start to piece things together. The beginning was the worst. The beginning when I was almost sure that it was a woman and that fixing his black hole might be leading him to someone else._

_So I googled him. It would have been more degrading if I hadn't already white paged him. Apparently I was good with my obvious lack of self-control when it comes to this man. I had to scrape my mouth off the ground when I found old links to a band web site that showed my own pencil neck as a real life fucking guitarist with a mini fan base and all. _

_I'd rather not remember how much time I spent sampling songs and thinking about the fact that I was so fucking right about those hands. But then the reality that those hands were no longer mine sunk in and I got back to business._

_It was easier than I thought to locate his black hole and name it. Jasper. _

_It makes too much sense to not be right. I know how close people in bands are and Jasper… My eyes water a little thinking about it. It was the end of a lot of things for Edward. The end of the band, the end of his music major and the shittiest end of all, his friend. _

_My teeth wreak havoc on lower lip as I wait patiently. The fact finding mission was innocent enough, if tweaked and angled just the right way, but what I am about to do is crossing lines._

"_Hello?" And there is no turning back now. I release my lip from my teeth and try to conjure up something to say before I just breathe into the phone like some kind of stalker pervert. At least the last part of that insult is far from true._

"_Umm yeah. Is this Mrs. Cullen?" I ask hoping to high hell I don't sound like a girl scout selling something._

"_Yes, who is this?" she replies. Fair question and yet I have no clue how to answer that. Who am I to him at this point? The bitch that walked out on him? The woman who conned him into leaving his long term girlfriend?_

"_This is Bella," I say because it's the only thing that I can think of. Original I know. I force my eyes closed and wait for the dial tone._

"_Edward's Bella?" she breathes and I feel like I was just sucker punched._

"_I know Edward," I correct. It's not fair to allow myself that designation. I don't deserve it. She chuckles over the phone._

"_I can't believe he is letting you talk to me. I have been pestering him about you for weeks and he is always putting me off," she laughs. I feel my cheeks redden. She doesn't know. He hasn't told her. That has to mean something good for me right? That maybe he doesn't want the end to be real any more than I do?_

"_Yeah well he could only keep me to himself for so long," I sigh. Another chuckle on her end. She seems lovely. And clearly the type of woman who didn't parade men in and out of their house his entire childhood. I digress, this is not about me._

"_But he doesn't actually know I'm calling," I admit. _

"_Why does that not surprise me?" she sighs. Now I don't know what to say. There was a logical reason behind this call. My teeth find my lip again. Private Eye Bella kicks back into gear. Confirmation._

"_I'm not even sure I should be doing this. I just really care about your son and I feel like he is shutting me out of certain parts of his life and…" I try to catch my breath in the middle of my ramble. This is not going well._

"_You're calling about Jasper then?" she asks. I almost drop Romeo. She is magic, this woman. _

"_Yeah," I breathe. I can hear her heavy sigh over the phone and then the unmistakable sound of a chair scraping across the floor. Good Lord she has to sit down for this._

"_What do you know?" she questions. I feel like I have stumbled upon an Oracle and have to choose my questions wisely, like she might limit her answers._

"_Not much. Just that he died suddenly and that it must have really hurt Edward because, he just….He isn't the same person." I feel like a fake, acting like I care on the same level as her. That I have seen the transformation like she surely has, but I see glimmers, traces of who he used to be. And I know that he wants to be that person again. At least I think he does._

"_I'm not sure how much more I can tell you. Edward was really close to Jasper. We all loved him and it changed the way he saw life, the way he saw himself," she confirms. I bite my lip waiting for more, craving more._

"_I'm really sorry honey, but if you want to know more you should really ask him and I know that's not what you want to hear, but it's not my place. But make him tell you. I know that you are bringing something out of him that has been dormant for a long time and you will have to fight, but please do. For all of us," she pleads and I don't realize I am crying till the saltiness hits my lips. _

"_Thank you. I'm sorry I called, but thank you," I whisper._

"_Oh honey. Don't thank me. Thank you for caring enough to do this," she argues. I can only nod and offer a weak goodbye before ending the call. This is going to suck ass. It's going to be hard and he's going to fight, but I am going to do this. For him._

_***_

_I've never liked games where one person hides and the other person is meant to find them. No version of it. It always seemed pointless and even a little mean. And now I am roaming this city involved in what can only be considered a real life Where's Waldo and I am hating every minute._

_Once I made up my mind to do this, to pull him out of his self consuming hole, I thought the rest would be easy. My fatal flaw was thinking that he would be easy to find. Other than the places I have dragged him to I have only seem him in two places. His apartment and his work. _

_His apartment was the obvious first choice. I was ready to break in again. Use my frequent shopper card to jimmy the lock like I did when I first got back, but I couldn't. So I knocked. I knocked and called his name till the neighbors told me to shut up and my knuckles were raw._

_I considered telling Maria exactly where she could put her complaints, but I didn't want to cause trouble for Edward. Then I was forced to use my new best friend once again. I pulled Romeo from my pocket and scroll down._

"_Stein and Meyer. How can I connect your call?" I smile at the familiar voice._

"_Hey Violet it's Bella," I reply._

"_Hello dollface. How can I help you?" she coos. I clearly see why Edward adores this woman._

"_Yeah, Is Edward in?" I ask. She sighs and that is not the response I want._

"_I'm sorry, but he called out today. Used up one of those personal days he's racked up over the last couple of years. I thought he would be with you," she answers. I slump down against the side of the building. No, no, no._

"_You want me to take down a message," she offers. I could, but I don't think it would do any good._

"_No it's fine. I'll just check his place," I tell her chipperly. She doesn't have to know it's a lie. I bury my face in my gloved hands and just try to hold onto my sanity. I race through all my memories trying to place any other possibility, but come up empty handed._

_Then a couple of quarters land in my Chai and my day is officially fucked. I know I am sitting on the sidewalk in New York City, but hell. Do I really look homeless? I stay put watching the sun disappear behind the buildings and comfort myself with the idea of tomorrow. _

***

I've been sitting in this chair for two hours already staring at the same sheet of paper. I can't focus. I'm not me. I've always been able to focus on this shit. Always.

I throw my glasses down onto the desk in front of me and rub my eyes. I don't know how shit got this way. I don't know when my life turned into this giant pile of crap.

My cell phone starts buzzing. Bella. Again. She's been calling a lot lately but I can't bring myself to face her. She'll have too many questions and I don't have any fucking answers in me to give. I don't know what I want.

Well, I know what I want but I don't think I can have it.

I silence my phone because I don't have the heart to ignore her and put my glasses back on. I need to accomplish something today. Anything. Even if all I do is add the numbers on this page up and find their average. It means at least that I did something.

The phone rings next to me and I sigh before I pick it up. "I was gonna come over to see if you wanted lunch yet in a few minutes," I tell Violet.

"Oh, that's not why I was calling," she says pleasantly. "Someone is here to see you. I just wanted to let you know that I'm sending them back."

She hangs up before I can ask who exactly it is that she's just sending back. With the way my luck's been going, it's probably Hannah.

I push my chair back so that I can see the door. And when Bella walks through, I feel all of the air whoosh out of my lungs.

She smiles tentatively and I can't help the tiny smile that I return while I watch her walk towards me. She looks so uncomfortable and out of her element. And she should. Bella doesn't belong in a place like this—a horrible, boring soul sucking place.

But she came here for me so I stand up when she reaches me. "Hi," I say quietly. "What are you doing here?"

"Being the pathetic stalker I am. Clearly." She looks down at my phone which is blinking furiously about ten missed calls.

"Yeah, uh sorry." I rub the back of my neck, embarrassed suddenly for acting like such a child. "I've just been… catching up on all of this work."

And I realize that I didn't want to see her because I thought it'd hurt too bad. But now that she's here I just want her to stay.

"You don't need to lie. It's fine. I know what you've been doing. I would want to ignore me too."

I slip my hand into my pocket. I put the ring back because, well, fuck. And I'm trying to hold back the urge to reach for her.

"How have you been?" I ask stupidly. I can tell by her eyes how she's been. I want to rub my thumb over the dark circles that mirror my own.

She sighs heavily and says, "I don't want to do that. That's not why I'm here."

And a million scenarios run through my head but the forerunner is all sorts of shitty. Maybe she decided that it's not worth it.

I rub my thumb hard over the stone. As much as I'm not sure about this, as scared as I am, I don't want her to say she was wrong. I don't want her to take any of it back yet.

She steps closer to me and puts her hand on my forearm before sliding it down slowly. Her eyes stay on mine as her hand slips into my pocket and covers my fist. I let her pull my hand out and she covers her fingers with mine before prodding the ring gently out of my grasp.

There goes my last available lifeline. I feel the tightening in my chest until it's hard to breathe.

"So, um, why'd you come?"

"To tell you that it's not your fault."

What? I watch as she slips the ring into her pinky finger and it's loose, but it stays. I want it to stay.

"What's not?"

"Whatever it is you think you did. He was taken and it was awful, but it wasn't your fault," she says.

I take a step back quickly. Why is she talking about Jasper? Why does… no. No, no, no, no, no. These two parts of my life aren't supposed to mix ever. I don't want Bella to know. I don't want her to talk about it.

I shake my head. "You don't know what you're talking about."

She reaches an arm out for me but I take another step back. I just keep shaking my head. This shouldn't be happening and it definitely shouldn't be happening here.

"It's not your fault," she repeats. "And if something happened to me, if I was stupid enough to make my mistake again, that wouldn't be your fault either."

"Bella." My voice comes out in a gruff angry tone that I don't recognize. I shake my head more. "You don't know what the fuck you're talking about. I think you should leave."

She doesn't move though, she just steps closer. And I realize now that everyone is looking at us. "You don't want me to know, but I know. I know and I don't think any less of you. It doesn't change the way I feel about you."

She reaches out for me again but this time I wrap my hand around her wrist and tug. "Come with me."

We walk quickly to the conference room and I pull her inside before slamming the door shut.

"You can't fucking come here," I begin and start pacing back and forth with my hands tangled in my hair. "This is where I _work_, Bella. This is my job. You can't come here and talk about shit that you don't know the first fucking thing about in front of my coworkers."

Her eyes narrow at me now. "Where the hell do you want me to go, then? You're not at home and you ignore my calls. You left me no choice."

"Maybe," I begin slowly and my voice is dangerously low, "I didn't answer my phone for a fucking reason."

And I acknowledge that this is me trying to piss her off enough so that she'll leave and never ask me about this again. But I can't stop myself.

"I didn't say there wasn't a reason," she snaps back, obviously not deterred by my attitude, which I need to work on apparently. "You wanted to know why I came here to have this little chat. And now you know. I'm not leaving until you get this through your thick skull. It. Wasn't. Your. Fault."

I slap my palm hard against the wall. "God damn it, Bella. You don't know what you're talking about."

She reaches into her bag and pulls out a bunch of papers before she slams them down on the table in front of me. "He swerved to miss a deer, love." Her voice is soft now but I can't look at her. The top page is the headline from the newspaper article that announced his death.

"You can't be blamed for that any more than you can be blamed for global warming."

I shake my head and swipe the papers off of the table and onto the floor. "You can't understand, Bella."

"So tell me, then. Help me understand." She crosses her arms over her chest and stares at me expectantly.

"If I wanted to tell you, don't you think I would have by now?"

"Fair enough. You don't want to tell me. I kind of guessed that. So that's where you hit a wall because I'm not leaving till you do."

She walks towards me slowly until she's only inches away and I can smell the coconuts and feel her heat. And I just want this to stop. I want to wrap my arms around her and hold on until all of this is gone.

"It was raining and Jasper tried to avoid the deer. It was an accident and everyone else seems to know this. The police, the newspaper, your mother, but not you. Why?"

"Bella, please," I whisper. "Please just… just don't."

"I have to. Someone has to."

And then she swings her arm out just slightly and grasps my hand in hers. She squeezes my limp fingers until I respond. And when I respond I squeeze hers back hard.

"It's too hard." I shake my head. "Please understand. It's too hard."

"I'm okay with hard. I'm good with hard. Hard and I have recently become acquainted, and while it may hurt like hell, it gets amazing results."

"He would've never been there," I whisper after a few minutes of silence. "He was gonna stay home with Alice. He wanted to stay with her because she was due any day. I forced him to come to the show. He would've never been there if it weren't for me. He would've never had to avoid any deer if it weren't for me."

She bites her lip and then I look down at our hands because I can't see the pity in her eyes. "He wouldn't have done anything unless he wanted to," she says and squeezes my hand. "He wouldn't have come if he didn't want to."

I shake my head. "You're wrong. This is why nobody understands. He came because of me. Because I guilted him into it."

"Did he do a lot of things he didn't want to? If you harped him enough, would he have cut off his left hand?"

I shake my head. "You don't fucking get it, Bella. Stop making stupid, irrational analogies."

"I don't get it because you won't tell me," she snaps and steps closer until her face is close enough to lean forward and kiss. "You won't answer any questions just keep telling me I'm wrong. Fine. I'm wrong. You killed your best friend. Is that what you want to hear?"

She steps even closer and I have to take a step back. "I could keep going. You want more lies? I think bananas are fucking amazing and I don't love you." She jabs my shoulder with her free hand. "Did you hear me, Edward? I don't fucking love you."

I shake my head and feel the tears stinging my eyes. Because there are the words that I've been waiting to hear for days and they're coming at the worst fucking time.

"What do you want me to tell you?" My voice breaks on the question. "That there's a little girl that never got to meet her dad because I wanted some fucking record executive to hear our little band play one fucking song? Do you want me to tell you that I hate myself every fucking day of my life? That I can't look at that kid without wanting to cry because she has the same fucking eyes as he does? Well, there you go. Because we can stand here and talk about deer and rain and swerving and chance and destiny all we fucking want. But when it comes down to it, it's my fault that that little girl doesn't have a dad. It's my fault that Alice is a single mother. It's all on me."

I don't realize that I'm crying until she wipes the moisture from my cheeks before tangling her fingers in my hair and pulling my head closer so that she can rest her forehead against mine. She breathes out a heavy sigh and I close my eyes, desperate for the closeness.

"Even if I think that's the biggest load of shit ever, yes. That's what I want to hear. I want you to tell me everything."

I wrap my arms around her waist and pull her close to me. Our heads stay pressed together. "No one is actually He-man, Edward. You couldn't have stopped that from happening any more than you could have caused it."

I squeeze her tightly to me and drop my head down to bury my face in her throat. I'm dripping tears all over her coconut skin but she doesn't seem to mind.

"I don't think I'll ever be able to forgive myself," I whisper. "I try and I let go for a while. And then I see Skye and it just… it hurts all over again. Just knowing that if I hadn't been so insistent, you know?"

"It'll never be okay that that little girl doesn't have a father. But it isn't okay for someone else in her life to be a shell because of it. Be who you are, Edward. Be who Jasper wanted to go out in the rain for," she whispers and her words come out in a plea and her tears mix with my own.

She kisses the top of my head and I just tighten my already tight hold on her. I want her as close as possible. I just need to feel her everywhere right now. My breathing is ragged and coming in small spurts that I can't quite control.

"I want to try," I finally manage to whisper. "I don't know if I can but I want to try." Because I do. I want to try for me and for Bella and for Skye and Alice.

"You sure?" She pulls away even though I try to hold her against me and looks at my face. "Because you've made me into this love sick stalker and if you let me, I might never leave."

I cup her face in my hands and wipe the stray tears away with my thumbs. "You love me, Bella?"

She takes several deep breaths and slides her eyes shut. I stare at her, heart pounding wildly in my chest, but I don't move away. After a minute she opens them back up and meets mine.

"I love you," she says with a slight nod.

I feel a watery smile cross my face before I lean in closer to her and press my lips firmly against hers. And everything falls back into place as her fingers wind up in my hair and her body presses against mine. "I love you," I whisper in between kisses. "Do you wanna get out of here?"

"Please."

I nod and crouch down to pick the discarded papers up off the floor. I hand them back to Bella who tucks them safely into her bag. We walk out hand in hand and I'm pretty sure everyone pretends that they weren't staring through the window the whole time. But I don't care. I squeeze Bella's hand and pull her to my desk so that I can get my stuff.

"My place?" I ask and she nods. "Good. Not that I don't love Emmett but, yeah…"

I start tugging her towards the exit.

"Edward."

I pause and we both turn around to look at Kara who has her hands crossed over her chest. "Where do you think you're going?"

"Home. Not really feeling well," I say with a shrug and Bella snorts.

"Edward, if you leave right now, don't expect to come back."

I look at Bella and then back at Kara and feel the grin stretch across my face. "Fuck off, Kara."

She gapes and other people start whispering. I just laugh and turn around with Bella's hand in mine. I stop at Violet's desk and lean over it. "Expect a phone call soon, okay?" I ask.

She laughs and blows us both kisses. "Be good. Or, well, don't."

***

**A/N So a couple of things we want to get out of the way....**

**1. We haven't put the appropriate disclaimer at every chapter giving proper appreciation for S. Meyers and her amazing characters. I recently added something to the description, forgive us?**

**2. Bella is on the pill and will forever be on the pill as far as this story goes. There needs to be no worry about an unexpected tiny b or e popping out**

**I think that covers the major issues. We try to answer all questions, but be patient with us :)**

**Hit that little green button....you know you want to....**


	25. Chapter 25

**disclaimer: s. meyers owns everything (possibly even my soul)**

**we're sooo sorry that its taken this long and even sorrier (if thats a word) that we've been slacking as far as replying to your FANTASTIC reviews. we will be better (crosses heart). please don't let our bad habits keep you from reading and MOST importantly reviewing (thats a hint). can't say enough about all the fab writers who have recommended us and send a lot of you to us! thank you! **

**as always we love to hear what you think....**

*******

_There are some things that not even adulthood can ruin. Like really, really good cartoons and goldfish. I shove a few more of the cheddar crackers in my mouth and am temporarily glad that Angela isn't here to tell me how unlady like I look. I smile to myself and don't even want to know what my teeth look like._

_I glance down at the keyboard of my laptop and grimace before trying to wipe away the dusting of orange. That can't be good for the mainframe. But I overcame a lot to enjoy these damn little crackers. I mean, who just feels good instantly about eating little fish with eyes and smiles? Any rational person would have to hesitate for a couple of years. Right?_

_My left foot starts to tingle and I am forced to move. I cross my legs under me and stare back at the monitor. My initial reaction was to laugh when Jake set off the sprinkler system by getting a little too excited about incense. But now, being at home, it bed clothes and no make up I am thinking I may actually bribe him to do it again in the near future. Working from home is top notch._

_I begin to type out a formal request for a nonprofit discount when someone knocks. I take another handful of goldfish and wait for them to leave. Who knocks anymore? Well at least here. Anyone I would want to come in would just come in and I really don't want to deal with the other possibilities. _

_I get down another few sentences before the knocking starts up again. Good Lord. I stare at the door hoping that whoever is on the other side will get my message and leave. The urge to turn up the TV is strong, but then they would know I was here. A real no win situation._

_The knock sounds again and it sends perfectly good goldfish flying. I groan and push myself up from the couch, ready to give hell to whoever is behind the door. I pull and pluck at the locks before urging the door open._

_My mouth falls open when I see Edward there. His eyes shoot up to meet mine, his hands deep in his pockets. I reach down to hold my flannel shut. I probably should have put on a bra. I chew a little on my cheek and taste the goldfish._

"_Hey. I didn't know you were coming over," I say because it sounds like a good excuse for not answering the door. He looks nervous and I just stare at him because he never knocks. Or at least he didn't used to. I sigh. _

"_Sorry, I just figured I'd stop by. Were you busy though? I can….." He motions towards the empty hall. Slight panic surges through me and I reach for his arm pulling him through my door and shutting it behind me. _

"_You don't have to tell me you're coming over, I just didn't know you were planning on it. Hell, please don't even knock, but then you'd need a key…" I wander away from him looking through the junk bowl near our door. I know there's an extra key in here somewhere…_

"_What happened at the office? I went by there to see if you maybe wanted to take a break and get some coffee with me," he asks from behind me. I dump the contents of the bowl out on the small table and really look. Where the hell did that key go? The silence lingers before I realize that he asked me something. I glance back at him my hand still feeling through the mess._

"_Umm Jake was trying to ignite some good karma and almost sent our office up in flames," I laugh. My fingers roam over something that I think used to be a hot tamale and then victory. I snatch the key out of the pit and turn around holding my prize above my head._

"_That's for me?" he asks. I smile reach for his hand, tugging it from his pocket before pressing the key into it. This seems like a big moment, like there should be a formal exchanging of words. I mean this is a big deal to people right? I stand there for a moment waiting for something inspirational to hit. Screw it. I lean forward and press my lips surely his, taking his bottom lip between mine and sweeping my tongue across it slowly. _

_Good enough? I pull away and smile before I make my way back to the couch. I may not have gotten inspiration for the words to say to him, but I got a little brain surge about the wording for my proposal. I pull my computer back into my lap and let my fingers fly, ignoring all the little red lines informing me of my misspellings. _

_Edward shuffles behind me and I glance back at him. Why is he still standing in the entry? He looks between the TV and me several times._

"_Well…this is informative," he breathes. I laugh and feel my brow crease. What is he talking about? I pat the couch next to me and try to get the last of my creative blitz down before I can really just relax. _

"_You learning something from my choice in cartoons?" I ask as I continue to type. I feel the couch sink next to me as he sits. Tom and Jerry is a classic I'm not worried about him having some deep meaning behind it._

"_More like learning something about your choice of background music," he chuckles. I glance at him and then at the TV. He reaches out and pulls a piece of hair from my ponytail and begins twirling it around his finger. He pulls himself closer, almost flush against me, but I have to finish this._

"_The noise helps me concentrate. I can't deal with silence," I ramble. I always have to have something else in the room. Music, TV, a person, or else I get lost in my thoughts and that's never a good thing._

"_How much longer do you need to concentrate for?" he asks. He's so close his breath fans across my ear and my bare neck. I shiver and bend my head to protect my neck. That's not playing fair._

"_I just need to send this off and then I should be good," I reply. But he is making it more that difficult. His hands move from my hair to my shoulder to rubbing my back. And its hard because we're still feeling this out, getting used to each other all over again and I'm trying to have boundaries, trying to take this slow, do it right, but when he does those things, touches me like that he makes it really fucking hard._

"_Am I being inspirational?" he asks again; this time his lips brush my neck and I throw him a glare before pulling myself away from his heat and his hands._

"_You are being a distraction. Can you sit there with your hands to yourself so I can finish this?" I ask. I know it's patronizing, but hell. We haven't exactly 'celebrated' our mutual love and am I more than aware of that fact, but I also do not want to rush. It needs to be right, perfect. And he can wait._

_I bite my lip and start typing again, when I hear his damn sexy little chuckle and feel him move into my side again. I grit my teeth and keep my eyes on the screen. I try to move away, but the damn couch ends and I don't really want to move to the floor._

"_You'd rather play with the computer than with me?" he whispers. His hands tug at the top of my flannel and exposes my shoulder. I let my eyes slide closed as his lips brush over the skin there. Evil, but so good. I let him make me a little shaky before I pull away and move to the floor across the room._

"_I'm not playing, Love. This is work andiIf you're good now I'll play later, but if not then you're night is going to be very disappointing," I warn him giving him the eye. He smirks back at me. Damn him. Why does he know my weaknesses?_

"_How bout I make us some lunch?" he offers and I know my jaw hit the floor. I was not expecting that. I thought he was going to continue his assault and I'm not sure if I should be relieved or disappointed._

"_Can you actually cook?" I ask. I've never seen anything close to homemade at his place. And no, a bowl of cereal doesn't count. He walks towards me and offers me his hands. I look up at him skeptically._

"_I'll figure something out," he chuckles. I eye his hands and hold my computer close to me._

"_Come on, go sit on the couch. I won't bother you, but as soon as lunch is done, all bets are off," he states. He takes my computer from me and sets in on the table and tugs me to my feet. He pulls too hard and I crash into him, my chest against his and I really should have worn a bra. _

_I try to move around him, but his hand holds my cheek as he presses his lips to mine. I let him press his lips to mine several times, but keep mine closed. I push him back slowly. _

"_You said you weren't going to bother me," I tell him. He chuckles and lets me push away from him._

"_Sorry. Can't help it," he explains. I roll my eyes and fixate myself on buttoning up my flannel. No way am I going to give him any more excuses. I walk towards the couch and settle into it, my fingers still attached to the buttons. Damn things are so hard to deal with._

"_I only have a little more to do," I tell him reaching into my bag of goldfish. I shove a couple in my mouth before looking up at him. He just stares so I smile obnoxiously and cock my head to one side._

"_I thought you were making me lunch," I tease. He eyes my goldfish for a moment before meeting my gaze again._

"_Give me those," he orders, holding his hand out expectantly. I feel my eyes bulge. Not happening. I pull the package into my chest and wrap my arms around it. I will share a lot of things with this man, important things, but not these._

"_Get your own," I test cocking an eyebrow. Yes it's a challenge and it feels damn good to have things be light and fun and nothing weighing down on us. Even if it can't last forever._

"_You're really testing my patience, Bella," he mock scolds. "I'm not gonna make you lunch if you're all full from goldfish."_

_I look down lovingly at my goldfish and hate that he has a somewhat valid point. I chew my bottom lip for a moment before holding them out to him. He snatches them from my grasp before I can change my mind. He doesn't have to know I ate half the bag before he got here. And then comes the shit eating grin I can't suppress. Lord I am such a child today._

"_It better be a damn good lunch for me to give those up. Peanut Butter and jelly isn't going to cut it," I warn. He rolls his eyes slightly._

"_Just worry about finishing your work," he says. He walks towards the kitchen and I lower my head to focus. I really shouldn't be disappointed he caved. It's what I wanted or at least that's what I'll tell myself._

"_Oh and Bella?" I glance over my shoulder at him. He's got that damned smirk going again and it sends tingles down my spine._

"_Next time you want me to stop you should put a bra on. Cause next time I'm not going to stop," he smiles. I cross my arms over my chest again. Can't a girl just want a break once in awhile? _

_I bite my lip and stare at my screen, my flow totally lost and the only thing on my mind being the man in the next room and how the hell I am going to control myself long enough to make sure everything is going to work out. Because as much as I want him, which is beyond measurement at this point. We're not done with words yet. And words come first. Or at least I will make them come first. Lord I have a dirty mind._

***

I mix the tuna a little bit and let my mind drift. To Bella. To my embarrassing break down. To the past few weeks that I don't want to remember. I want to pretend that none of it happened and just move on and be with her.

God, I cried all over her like a little girl.

I squirt some mustard into the bowl and stir a little more. I can hear a combination of her cartoons and her mumbling from the other room. It makes me smile. I fell in love with a woman that watches cartoons while she works and talks to herself. I want her to meet my family. I want to feel her constantly.

I put some lemon and mayo in next and keep mixing. The mindless activity is nice. It keeps me focused. Because honestly, it took everything I had to come here today. I was scared and nervous and embarrassed that she'd reject me after she found everything out. Plus, who wants a man that cries like a baby?

I sprinkle some salt and then go and look inside of her cupboards. I scan all of the junk; her goldfish, the chips and boxes of Poptarts, until my eyes land victoriously on the red box.

I crush a few Ritz crackers up and sprinkle them into the tuna before popping a few slices of toast into the toaster. I slice a couple of tomatoes and then wait.

If I lean a certain way, I can see Bella sitting on the couch. Her hair is pulled up high on top of her head and her clothes are raggedy and too big on her. But she looks adorable. Like… well, like everything.

The toast pops out and I make the sandwiches before moving to put everything back in the fridge.

When I close the door, I stop to see everything stuck to it. There are random silly pictures, menus, postcards, and notes. Really funny notes mostly from Emmett to Bella.

I scan one that reads: _Please call 21 back, Iz. He calls every hour on the hour and if I have to hear his voice one more time, I'll puncture my eardrums with your toothbrush._

I laugh because Emmett can be so dramatic.

"Bella," I call. "Lunch is ready."

"Give me 30 seconds, Love," she calls from the living room.

I grab our plates and set them on the table and then go back for drinks.

I pause at the fridge again. 21? I know that's not the first time I've heard some weird reference to an anthropomorphized number.

Her hands wind around my waist, jerking me out of my thoughts, and she squeezes me tightly. She presses her cheek to my back and says, "This had better be pretty fucking good to give up my goldfish."

I turn in her arms and pull her against my chest. "Promise it'll be the best tuna you've ever had."

"The best?" she asks and quirks an eyebrow at me. "That's a lofty goal, Love."

"Don't question my skills," I tell her with a wink and she pulls away and heads for the table.

I pull her chair out for her before I sit down. "Taste it," I urge when she just stares down at the sandwich.

She lifts half of the sandwich and sniffs it. "Bella," I say with a laugh but she ignores me.

Her tongue darts out to taste it before finally taking a bite. I watch her chew, swallow, lick her lips, and then finally she looks up at me with a grin. "It's pretty damn orgasmic," she says and chuckles.

And I groan because, well, all of the tongue flashing and the lip licking and the swallowing combined with the word orgasmic just turned me on. Who knew tuna fish sandwiches could be hot?

I take a bite of my own sandwich and we eat in silence for a minute before I have to ask.

"Bella? I have a question."

"Have at it then, Love."

She licks the tips of her fingers as she finishes and… just… _fuck me_. I look at her nose because it's the only thing that doesn't make me think of some form of sex. I need to ask this question.

"What does the number 21 mean?"

"Ummm… legal drinking? The number of times a day I wish for a chai? The number of ties you own…" Her voice trails off on a laugh and she tilts her head at me. "Am I getting warmer?"

"I mean the note on the fridge…. From Emmett. Telling you to call 21 back."

Her eyes drop immediately to the table and she fidgets slightly before sighing. "It's just someone I used to know."

"Someone…" I look down at her hands which are twisted together. "Someone named twenty-one? Was that his parents lucky number or something?"

She pushes up from her chair and grabs our plates from the table and walks to the sink. "Um, no, his name is Jerod. I don't think anyone's parents are that mean."

I stand up and watch her rinse the dishes. She's staring intently and scrubbing hard at nothing. "So why does Emmett call him 21?"

She makes a loud, annoyed noise and starts putting the dishes in the dishwasher with much more force than necessary. "It's just a nickname Emmett gave him."

"If it's just a nickname why are you abusing the plates?" I ask and walk closer to her.

She turns around slowly and leans against the counter. "You know that I want this to work between us, right? That there isn't anything or anyone I want more than you?"

I narrow my eyes in confusion and walk until I'm directly in front of her until our chests are almost touching. I reach out and tilt her chin up. "Tell me."

"Before you, Emmett liked to number the people in my life," she sighs. "So Jerod was the 21st man in my life. Hence 21."

She keeps her eyes cast downwards but leaves her hands on my hips. 21?

"What number am I?" I ask before I can decide whether or not I actually want to know.

"You don't have a number."

I shake my head though, because I do have a number obviously. And I need to know what it is. "What number am I?" I repeat.

Finally, she looks up and gives me a hard stare. "You. Don't. Have. A. Number."

"Fine." I cross my arms over my chest. "What was the last number before me?"

"Seriously, Edward. Really? It doesn't matter."

"Obviously it matters." My voice is low- lower than usual. "It matters to me. I told you what you wanted to know about my past because you asked. Because it mattered to you. I'm asking for the same courtesy."

She grits her teeth. "You want to know? You want to know how many times I failed before you? How many people I hurt? Is that what you want?" she asks and her voice is hard and I want to tell her no, I don't what to know. But I'd be lying. "Fine. 22, Edward. 22 men who did nothing but try to love me and I pushed them all away. Satisfied?"

She pushes away from the counter and starts to walk away. I grab her wrist and pull her back to me. Her eyes are glassy from unshed tears.

"So… I'm 23?" I clarify. God. I'm her 23rd boyfriend. Something about that, I feel like, should bother me a little bit.

She sighs heavily and says, "No, Edward. In all the ways that count you're one. The only one."

The tears spill over and slide down her cheeks and she breaks away from my hold and walks away.

It's not that I'm turned off necessarily. It's just that… well, I'm 23. 22 men have touched her before me. It's difficult for me to process this information. And it's even harder to contain my urge to find every single one of them and punch them in the face for making her feel like she wasn't enough for them. For not fighting for her.

I walk into the living room where she's pounding away at her keyboard with tears streaming down her face.

"Bella," I say but she doesn't look up at me. I sigh and walk over to her, pulling the computer from her lap and setting it down on the table. She looks down at her hands in her empty lap.

"Can I say something?" I ask and sit down next to her. I don't wait for her to answer though. I turn my body so that I'm facing her and tug on her arm until she looks at me. "22, right?" She shrugs and looks back down again. "22 times that you tried. 22 times that you were hurt by somebody that didn't try hard enough for you. So maybe you see it as 22 fails, Bella, but I think it's so much more than that."

I tug on her arms until she gives in and crawls into my lap. "And for the record," I tell her and wipe the tears from her cheeks. "Thank god I'm 23. I hate even numbers."

***

_This is the moment. The one I've been avoiding since I saw the small speckle of light at the end of this long ass tunnel. No more hiding, no more evasive answers. This is going to be the test. This is the moment where I am going to show him all my dark corners and then hope like hell that he doesn't realize that my dark corners are a scary ass place where he could get his shiny shoes dirty beyond repair._

_I push myself back off his lap and smile when he tries to keep me there. I can't do this in his lap, so close to him. The only comfort I deserve during this unloading is my own arms. I scramble to the other end of the couch and wrap my arms securely around my legs._

"_You have an amazing way with words, you know? Everything you say is perfect. But, I have to correct some gross errors in your fantastic speech," I say. There is an inner battle to keep myself on his end of the couch. His arms are still slightly stretched out to me and I want to crawl back into him, but I can't. This needs to happen._

"_You give me to much credit in your mind. There is no fault in the 22. They didn't fail to fight for me. I didn't give them the chance," I explain. His eyes stay latched on me and I try to draw some strength from them for this next piece. Cause its going to hurt._

"_They all got an exit like I gave you. There was never any say in it for them," I breathe. The words linger in between us and I wait for him to draw them in, to realize that the pain I caused him was a planned attack. Something that I have mastered, coined even. The Izzy exit. _

_Edward shakes his head slowly, but I cut him off before he can start the argument I can see forming in his mind._

"_So I wasn't the victim you make me out to be. I did this to myself. To them. I did it knowingly, on purpose," I spell it out for him. A small part of the person I am no longer trying to be rears her nasty head. Maybe I can give him one last chance to leave._

_"So... let me just get something straight." He holds a hand up. "You managed to find 22 completely spineless assholes to date, right? Because they just went along with everything you said and did, right? So if you harped them enough, Bella, would they have cut their left hands off?"_

_I gape as the words I used against him are thrown back in my face. Balking, my mouth opens and shuts several times. They were innocent in all of this. He can't take the blame from me. I need it._

_"So you left on purpose, right? To hurt me? Well, sweetheart, I already knew that. I get it. I get the defense mechanism. What do you want me to do? Tell you that you suck because you're afraid? Fine. You suck. You got scared and your ran away from me, even though I told you not to a million times, to hurt me. Does that make you feel better?"_

_I pull myself back into couch even further and try to steal myself against his words. Because they make me want to believe that maybe it's going to be ok. _

_"The thing is, I suck too. A lot. I do stupid things and I sit in a room and hold a guitar that I haven't played in years and listen to old records and cry sometimes. I work a shitty job that I hate because I'm too fucking afraid to do anything else. So if you want to talk about the shit we do when we get scared, well, I think I win in this suckfest because at least you do something."_

_This is why I can say those three words now. Because he is sitting across from me, flaunting his pain to make me feel better. Saying things and admitting things that I know are hard for him, just for me. I inch closer and ghost my fingers up his arm slowly. _

"_You just need to know, Love. You need to know what I was thinking when I did those things. You need to know so that when I try to do those things to you…." I cut myself off and shake those thoughts from my head. "IF I try to do those things to you, you understand why."_

_I lift my eyes to his and plead for him to understand. To know that I am doing this for him- for us. I trail my finger down his arms and take his hand in mine. His fingers grasp for mine but I keep the grip light, tangling our fingers together in motion._

"_One day you will have the displeasure of meeting my mother. You'll meet her and she will smile and preen and you will wonder how a woman who is so put together could possibly be related to this mess you claim to love," I smile the words. He opens his mouth but I raise an eyebrow halting his words._

"_What you won't see is the years I spent watching my mother terrorize most of the single male population of San Francisco. You'll hear her private school vocabulary and well placed laugh, but you won't hear the sobs of the men as they begged her to take them back."_

_I take a deep breath and keep my eyes on our fingers. Watching the collaboration of their movement makes me feel closer to him; linked to him._

"_So it might not be obvious to you that she spent so much time chasing people away, she accidentally pushed me out. I knew more about the men in her life than I did her. And I watched her destruction and I decided to not be like that," I state. The last part of the statement is solid because that truth has never changed. _

_My confidence slips quickly and I feel ridiculous exposing my sob story like this. I have no real trauma to explain my faults. No one I loved died, I was never abused. Obviously even in my attempt to justify myself I am failing._

"_It sounds silly. This is silly." I retract my hand from his and grip my head. Why did I think any of this made sense? It all seems so small in comparison to his revelations._

"_Silly? Bella." He breathes out. He stands and begins pacing the floor. I watch as his feet create a little track on the rug. I keep my focus on his feet. On those chucks I love so much. _

_"Silly are those ridiculous pictures on your fridge. The way you feel isn't silly. I get it. And I'm sorry for Little Bella who didn't have the kind of mom that she deserved growing up. But you're not your mom. You don't hurt anyone. For god's sake, Bella, out of the 22 that you dated, how many have you matched off with someone else?"_

_I shake my head because he's missing the point. Because I wish I was still Little Bella. I wish I still thought my mom could love me more than all of them and I wish I still had the chance to not have pushed aside 22 hearts._

"_That's not the point. I let them believe that they had a chance. I flirted, I held their hands, I kissed them and gave them no reason to believe that it was all in vain; that no matter how much they meant the pretty little things they said, the songs they wrote, it would end the same way. They didn't know, but I did," I press the words at him frantically. Because this isn't supposed to be a pity party. This is me arming him against the dark corners inside of me._

"_I thought I was doing them a favor. Thought I was being the anti-mother, but I wasn't. I don't want you to tell me I didn't do anything wrong, I want you to know that I know it was wrong. I know it was wrong, but before you I didn't see it."_

_He's paused his pacing, but he's too far and I need his warmth to finish. I reach for him and grasp his hand, pulling him slowly back to me. I sigh as his weight makes the cushion sink and I melt into his side._

"_So when I freak out when you try to kiss me in public or try to push you away because you left an empty drawer for me in your dresser, I need you to remember all that. Remember that you're the one that made me want to be different and you're allowed to push me. I'm asking you to push me," I plead and hope he gets what I am saying. _

_I can't promise that I am instantly able to reverse years of backwards thinking, but I can change if he wants me, if he helps me. He nods and takes a steady breath._

_"I promise to tell you when you're being stupid and irrational, which you are being. Because you don't have to apologize for any of it. And shit, Bella, can I just say for the record that I'm really fucking happy? Because if you weren't exactly the way you are, one out of those 22 douche bags would have gotten you," he replies and I can't keep the silly smile off my face. He really should write Hallmark cards._

_"And maybe you think it's fucked up but I still don't. I don't think it's anymore fucked up than what I did to Hannah. Do you think I should go back to her and apologize? Should I go to her and ask her to take me back? Should I feel bad for what I did? Because I don't. But if we're playing this game and going this way, then maybe I should. Maybe I should go and apologize for stringing her along for so long and then dropping her on her ass when I realized that she wasn't what I wanted."_

_I pull away a little with his words. I don't like the name Hannah mixed into all this and he's making me a little dizzy with his analysis._

_"It's your right to be able to decide what and who you want. Because if one of those 22 were what you wanted, you would've come back. You came back for me, didn't you?" he asks. His eyes plead for my answer, but he already knows it._

"_I came back for you," I confirm. I swing my leg over his lap and press my forehead to his. My hands delve into his hair and I let the silence settle around us. I'm hoping he means it all because at this point I am done. I can feel myself slowly fusing to him, and I love it._

***

I tighten my arms around her and hold her close to me just for a minute. Because while this conversation isn't over, I hate it. I hate that she's hurting, I hate that she thinks all of these things about herself, that she has such a screwed up perception of who she is. I hate that she doesn't see what I see when I look at her. I hate that I have all of my own fucked up shit to deal with and that she has all of her own.

I wish we could go back to where all of these things started and just love each other then. Before all of this shit fucked us both up.

I wish I could go back to Little Bella and give her a hug and tell her that it'd all work out okay.

"Remember how I love you?" I whisper against her hair.

She shifts and presses herself even closer into me. "Remember how I only love you?"

I smile. "That's not true. You love Emmett and Angela and Jake… even though I don't really understand that last one."

"You really want to group yourself in with Jake? And here I was trying to make you feel special."

I tangle my fingers in her hair and tug gently until she looks up at me. I smile down at her and press my lips to her nose. "I already know I'm special-er than Jake, Bella. My point is, I understand what you're saying. I hear you. But I also trust you. I trust that you won't hurt me. And I love you. You and all of your crazy theories and insecurities and plans, okay? I love you. So if you get scared and if you freak out I just want you to tell me. Because out loud everything sounds a lot better."

She chuckles and it feels so good to know that I put that there. That I replaced her tears with a smile. It's hope in its finest form. "See, and here I am thinking that everything sounds like a hot mess coming from my mouth."

I hum and smirk a little bit before dipping my head and pressing my lips against hers. "Nothing." I press my lips to hers again, a little bit harder. "That comes out of this mouth." I lean forward and take her lower lip between mine and swipe my tongue across it. "Is ever a mess."

I run my hands up and down her back, applying some pressure because I want to feel her against me and over me and everywhere. Her hands slide up and she tangles her fingers in my hair. I feel like I've been apart from her for too long. I want all of her right now.

I slide my hands down to her hips and over her ass and pull her against my hips. "Bella," I whisper against her mouth. "I need you."

She pulls away slightly and gives me three quick kisses on the lips before she crawls off. "I think we need to talk more before any naked happens," she says with a sigh.

I groan and drop my head back against the couch. I have nothing to say right now.

"I just think that there are things we need to make sure are clear before we start all that up again. Cause once we start, I won't be able to stop. And we need to be straight, you know?"

No, I don't know.

"What else needs to be cleared up?" I ask.

I feel her moving and then she's kneeling next to me and has her hand on my arm. "Like, I need to be sure you forgive me."

"Bella," I groan and rub my face with my hands. "Bella, why would I even be here if I didn't forgive you?"

"I think you think you forgive me. But really you just missed me enough to overlook it. You're sure that it's never going to be used against me when you're angry? You're never going to bring it up when you're pouting?"

"When I'm… can you give me a little more fucking credit than that?" I snap at her. "I didn't overlook anything. You pissed me off. But you coming back means more to me than you leaving." Something like a growl comes out of my mouth and I stand up again and start pacing. "It just… it really pisses me off that you're doing this."

"It pisses you off that I want to make sure we're square before I climb on your junk?" she asks and laughs but there's no humor in it. "Yeah, I'm being irrational."

"I don't care if we don't have sex until next fucking year, Bella. It pisses me off that you're starting this shit. I wouldn't have come here, I wouldn't make you tuna fish sandwiches and kiss you if I didn't forgive you. And you have to come around and say some insulting shit like that that just really pisses me off."

"You do realize that it's normal for me to want to know that you forgive me? I am not a fucking mind reader."

"Right. Sorry. I'll spell it out for you. I forgive you." I lean down and drop a quick kiss to her forehead. "I have things to do. I'll see you later."

Her mouth drops open and she says, "Don't leave when we're angry. Don't do that."

"I'm not angry," I tell her and slip my shoes on. "I have errands and shit. I'll talk to you later."

"You just told me several times that you were pissed and now you're magically better and headed to run errands? Fine, Edward. Have fun." She starts walking up the stairs.

"I just spent the entire afternoon telling you that I love you. I told you how much I loved you over and over again today and you can't figure that I forgive you. But you have no issue hearing me if I'm pissed, right? You can hear me say I'm angry and believe it but you can't hear me say I love you without doubting it. So, yeah, Bella, I'm pissed. And I don't want to sit here pissed at you. So I'm going to leave and I'm going to run errands."

"You do realize that love is not a mutually exclusive emotion?" she asks and comes back down the stairs. "You can love me and not be happy with me… hence not forgive me. I know you love me. Just like you know I fucking love you. But this… walking out when you're pissed? Not okay."

"Thanks for that," I tell her with a nod and walk towards the door, because her tone is condescending and pissing me off even more. "I was getting a little confused there for a second. You know, because I'm fucking annoyed as shit with you right now. I couldn't figure out how to be pissed and still love you at the same time."

I turn the knob and step outside. "I'll call you later."

*******

**there you have it....thoughts, feelings, rants, are all welcome....**


	26. Chapter 26

**disclaimer- we don't own....even if we'd sell out souls to...**

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***** **

"_I swear on everything Chai if you don't stop tapping that fucking pen I will shove it through your balls," I yell. Jake drops said pen to the ground and scrambles for the bathroom. I feel only mildly bad because he was tapping out some horrid hip hop song and it was going to make my head explode. Or something slightly less dramatic._

_I let my head fall onto my desk and groan. I hate being angry. I've never known what to do with my anger. My mother signed me up for karate when I was younger, but I only ended up giving my instructor black eye; so my best case solution has always been to just avoid anger. And I've become a pro at it. _

_Like when I think I may be approaching anger I just walk away and head towards something that is the anti anger. Like puppies, or bubble gum ice cream, or slippers. But once the anger has set it….nothing will ebb it. Not even penguins and that's saying a lot. _

_But there are simple rules in my life. Things you just can't do. You can't wear jeans more then three days in a row. You can't leave less than two swallows in the milk jug and you can never, ever leave angry. It's not fair to the other person._

_Jake eases out of the bathroom and actually tiptoes by me. I grit my teeth and sigh. Stupid Edward. Stupid Edward and his ability to turn me completely inside out. He mixed all my words up and shoved them all back at me all wrong and not the way I meant._

_I was just trying to establish that we were at that point. That we were finally ready to put everything behind us and move forward. And I'm sorry if I need an actual vocal confirmation, but he's so damn cryptic sometimes and I know he bottles things up._

"_How much longer are you going to subject us to your wrath Iz?" Angela calls over to me. I glare over where she is smugly smiling at me. Damn her and being able to read me like a book._

"_You can't just toss me out of my own office, Ang. I'm trying to get things done. It's not my fault Jake doesn't know what decent music is," I whip back. The words leave my mouth and I know I have all the control and restraint of a 10 year old. Stupid pencil neck with his damn pushing, and bottling up and insistent lips._

"_I'm pretty sure that Jake is afraid to walk by you to leave and while I think your pitiful anger is generally entertaining I don't really want to deal with it today," she replies coolly. I chuck my highlighter at her and miss by a mile which just makes her and Jake laugh. I resist throwing my entire pencil cup at them._

_I glance at my cell phone again and glare at the tiny screen. Now he decides to show restraint? My fingers itch to touch it and I give in flipping open the screen and scrolling down to his name. My finger hovers over the send button before I toss it down on the desk._

_He's the one who misunderstood me. He heard what he wanted. Hell, he acted like I wasn't a willing participant in the re-engagement of our physical relationship. I just wanted to start on level ground. Everything is new and hard and foreign and the last thing I wanted to worry about was being pulled back to this shit stage._

_I storm over to the fridge and jerk it open. I scan the contents and feel the anger brimming when I don't see the familiar bottle. I slam the door and turn back to face the office. Angela is still watching me amused and Jake is cowering near his tiny desk._

"_Who the hell drank my green tea?" I demand. I try to look scary, but that seems to push Angela over the edge. She literally falls out of her chair. That starts Jake and then I'm the only one not on the ground laughing._

"_Iz, you ass. You drank it about an hour ago," Angela hisses between laughs. I glance over at my trash can and see the familiar bottle peaking from the top. My laughter starts up and I sink to the floor with the weight of it. Soon the tears follow and then I don't know if I am crying because I'm laughing or crying because I am fucking failing in my first real relationship._

_I don't know how long it lasts before Angela is sitting next to me. I look at her through bleary eyes and try to start the laughing again, but it doesn't work. _

_It's been three days since he left on errands and I haven't seen or heard anything since. Not that I've called or tried to find him, but I thought he would have come to me by now. I get that I should just suck it up, but sucking it up would involve words and apparently Edward and I need a translator to communicate. _

"_I don't want to sound unsupportive Iz, but if you two can't get your shit together than I am going to seriously suggest you just end it," she sighs. I bite my lip and try not to sob when she says this. _

"_I swear I will someday be the adult you knew, Ang," I hiccup. She laughs and nudges my shoulder. There has to be a way to just make him understand what I was trying to say; what I meant to say._

"_You obviously love the kid, shiny shoes aside, so what have you done to fix it?" she presses. I open my mouth, but there isn't anything to say. I thought about calling him a couple of hundred times and I whined to Emmett last night._

"_I feel like I am choking on my tongue when I talk to him. Everything I want to say flies out the room and I end up basically telling to shove off," I sigh. She laughs and I glare at her. She holds up a hand and wipes a stray tear from her cheek. Seriously Ang?_

"_You do know that you make little to no sense most of the time? I don't think that's the problem. You're all out of sorts with him so just be honest and fuck, use some of your assets to make him listen if you have to," she suggests. And then I find my laugh. I think about shoving Edward's head between my boobs and then apologizing and the whole idea seems fucking fantastic._

"_Let's get out of here so you can try to make rational conversation with your tamed geek," she says. She pushes herself from the floor and kicks my shoe as a signal for me to follow suit. I grunt as I stand and wrap my arms around her._

"_You're a kick ass friend, Ang. You know that right?" I say. She shakes her head and squirms from my grasp._

"_Like I didn't know I was kick ass? Please Iz," she teases, but she knows I mean that shit. We stumble to the door and I almost forget about my inability to actually speak to Edward. __By the time we are outside I'm stuck__. I wave Angela off as she heads to her place, or to pretend she's not headed to mine to see Emmett. Who knows what she sees in him._

_I amble along, content to let the crowd guide me. Maybe I'll just write out a fucking script and hand it to him like a deaf/mute. My phone buzzes from the bottom of my purse and I sink to the ground and dig my hand through the large space fishing for my phone. I pull out a tin of mints and a pack of matches before I find it. _

_My bangs are all in my eyes and it takes me several seconds to clear them out of the way so I can actually see my phone. The message there transfixes me._

'_**Meet me at the 39th St. ferry at 5:30. Dress warmly.'**_

_A ferry? Please Lord no. Boats and I have this agreement. I stay far, far away from them and in turn I don't ever have to be on one. Works amazingly. So the thought of mixing my irrational fear of open water and my fumbling tongue seems like disaster. But this is what it's about right? Doing shit you don't want to do for another person? I can do this._

_I have to clear the message to check the time. I should really get my watch fixed. I have 45 minutes and it will be cutting it close. I gather up the mess that is my life in a handbag and press my way against the crowd to the subway. _

_I squeeze between the doors as they slide closed and my leg twitches as the subway rocks down the tracks. I almost ask the teenager next to me to pretend to be Edward so I can practice not having word vomit, but he glares at me through three brow piercings. Maybe not. _

_The knot in the bottom of my gut only grows as we get closer. I push it aside and think of better things, like not having cold feet in the middle of the night and the best tuna sandwich I've ever had. Those thoughts buzz me enough to get me there. It'll be fine._

***

I've always done my best thinking by the water. It can be any body of water, excluding a puddle, and everything in my head clears up and I can think like the rational person I pretend to be. If it's cold it's just an added bonus. Besides, the cold weather masks the questionable odors coming out of the Hudson fairly well.

I hope she shows up. I acted like a five year old having a temper tantrum. This seems to be my new thing—acting like a child, that is. She seems to bring out every immature, irrational thing inside of me. It's not a bad thing, honestly, but she forces me to be honest with her and with myself and it's something that I really haven't done in such a long time that sometimes things get out of hand.

And it wasn't about the sex. I don't care if she doesn't want to have sex with me right now. It probably came off that way but that wasn't it at all.

Well, maybe it was just a little. But I haven't had any sort of release in weeks and that shit hurts. I get irrational when my balls hurt.

I check my watch for the fifteenth time in five minutes. It's five to five.

It's such a difficult, fragile balance—a relationship like this; especially between two people who just suck at communicating with each other. But I left this time and I think it's only fitting that I be the one to come back and at least try to fix it. Because I want to fix it. Because I love her and I want a shot at making this work for us.

I look up and scan the crowd and finally. There she is in a black coat with a multicolored scarf wound around her neck and her arms wrapped around her waist. I wait until her eyes find me and then we just stand there, fifteen feet and broken words in between us, and stare.

We both start walking simultaneously and meet halfway. Too bad we're not as good at that with everything else.

"You came," I say lamely and take the bag off of her shoulder because it looks heavy and she looks tired.

"You thought I wouldn't?" she asks. "Now who doesn't trust who, Love?"

I guess I deserve that. "You didn't answer my text," I say with a shrug. "Couldn't be sure."

I put my hand on her lower back and guide her towards the entrance for the boat. Once we're on and have secured ourselves a spot, I turn towards her. "I think since I asked you here I should be the first to speak, if that's okay."

"Knock yourself out."

I frown because she doesn't look like she cares. She looks… defeated almost. Her eyes are sad and a little red and her shoulders are slumped.

"First of all, I want to make sure that you know that I didn't get mad because you didn't want to… what'd you say? Ride my junk?" I try to probe a smile out of her but it doesn't really work. "Well, yeah, it wasn't because of that."

"Come stand next to me and watch the sunset," I tell her and tug on her arm until her shoulder is touching mine. "I got mad because I feel like you doubt everything that's right in front of you. You doubt yourself, you doubt me, you doubt your friends. And I don't think you do it on purpose, but first of all, it's infuriating when you do it to yourself. Because you don't see half of what everyone else sees when they look at you.

"And secondly, because when you doubt me it hurts. You doubted me and you acted like I had no idea what I wanted. Like I was some idiot kid who just wanted to get off, you know? Because yeah, of course I fucking missed you while you were gone. But you have to know that I wouldn't let that take precedence over everything. You have to trust me, Bella."

She sighs and leans against the railing before jerking back. Her eyes widen and she almost looks afraid. I put my arm tentatively around her shoulders and when she doesn't pull away, I pull her into my side.

"And I'm sorry for overreacting and being a dick about all of it but I was just so frustrated. Because I just… I don't know. I don't want you to doubt me."

"Everything I was trying to say came out wrong and I didn't doubt. Hell, if anyone was thinking with their lower regions it was probably me. I just wanted to make sure everything was out and said and done. I just needed you to SAY it. I already knew, I think."

She buries her face in my side and slips one of her hands in my pocket. "Just don't change your mind," she says into my chest. "I'll be sure like a compass if you need me to."

I laugh and pull her over so that her back is to my chest. I wrap my jacket and my arms around her because she's obviously freezing and put my legs on either side of her. "You'll be sure like a compass?" I whisper into her ear.

"You know. Always on point… never wrong. Ugh, you make my tongue go crazy."

"Bella," I say and laugh again. "Don't say things like that in public places."

I tighten my arms around her. I like this, being able to hold her. It feels almost like I can protect her.

"Can you just do one thing for me?" She turns around to face me and wraps her arms around my waist, under my jacket.

"What's that?"

"Just don't leave when you're angry. Even if you don't want to talk and you just glare at me from across the room. Don't leave."

I nod. "I'm sorry for doing that," I tell her and rub my cheek against hers because it's bright red. "I got you a present, by the way. It was just in case my words weren't enough to get you back."

She pulls away and shakes her head at me. "No presents, Love."

I just grin at her. "No stupid rules about no presents. We love presents. Especially this one." I crouch down and pick the bag up off the floor to hand it to her. "Open it."

She stares at it suspiciously for a second and then takes it and peeks inside. When she looks back up at me, her eyes are watery. For a second I wonder what I did wrong but then she starts smile and launches herself at me. She presses her lips to mine almost roughly but shit, I'm not gonna complain.

She pulls away and her smile is so large that I can't help but mirror it. "That is probably the best fucking present ever. How did you know?"

I just wink at her and place a quick kiss on her lips. "I know everything."

***

_I'm a little bit transfixed by Edward in this moment. I watch as he maneuvers around his kitchen, attempting to create a meal out of the nonperishables he found in his fridge. There is a small part of me that feels like I should tell him that giving me that record has officially made me his bitch. In the best, non-demeaning to woman way. I can't even be bothered that I know I have some lovesick puppy look on my face. I'm going to revel in this 'in love' shit._

_My eyes snap back into focus as he begins to open and simultaneously slam shut drawers. His lips are pursed in what I can only assume is thinly veiled frustration, but even that look endears him to me at the moment. Damn I am a sap. _

_I make my way around the island and hop up on the counter just to his right. He pauses in his search to give me a small smile. The ingredients strewn across the counter are not promising. Somehow ketchup, grape jelly and chili just don't sound appetizing. I hook my foot around his hip and pull him closer to me._

"_You know they have this amazing idea called take out," I offer. Not that I don't want him to cook for me. The man has a talent with tuna that is beyond compare, but this effort is looking dodgy at best. He pouts and I laugh because he looks fucking ridiculous._

"_But I wanted to cook for you," he presses. I put my hands on either side of his face and press my lips firmly to his. I take in his bottom lip and nibble softly. He opens his mouth and I smirk. Exactly what I wanted. I slip my tongue in and spend several minutes slowly savoring his mouth. _

_I kiss him to the point that I think I may know his teeth better than mine and then I pull away slowly and rest my forehead against his. His eyes are still closed and his breathing is quick and heavy. I smirk again._

"_You can cook for me another time, Love. When you have actual food and not the reject contents of your fridge," I offer. His eyes dart over towards the jars and bottles on the counter and he cringes. That's right; no one was going to benefit from that mess._

"_Fine, fine. You get to choose where we order from though," he agrees. My mind reels with the possibilities. From the simple Chinese and pizza to more adventurous options. Suddenly eating Thai or Indian with Edward seems like foreplay. And that's how you know it's been too long. He pulls away and it's my turn to pout. He chuckles and slaps at my attempts to pull him back. I watch as he turns the corner and disappears from my sight. I collapse back onto the counter and sigh heavily._

_The day is catching up with me. My body and mind are exhausted from the anger and love and other shit that I was bombarded by today. I lift my hands to cover my face and let my eyes slip closed. The biggest battle was won. We're here together. Now the tricky part is staying that way._

_But it can be done. I am determined. I am not going to be doing any more fucking up. At least not knowingly. I hear him re-enter the room and I sit up begrudgingly. He tosses me his phone and I turn it over in my hands a couple of times. The options swim in my mind again; foreplay it is._

_I flip the phone open and just as my thumb is posed over the first number it vibrates and some god awful manufacturer ringtone scares the shit out of me. I yelp as the whole process knocks the phone from my unsteady head. I wince and clench my eyes shut as I prepare for it to hit the ground. Instead I hear a chuckle._

_I open my eyes just in time to see Edward raise an eyebrow at me before pressing a button and pulling the phone to his ear._

"_Hey Mom," he answers. He leans back between my legs and I warp my arms around his waist and rest my head on his shoulder. His mother's voice sounds like a far away hum. I tilt my head to the side and blow a little on his neck. He pulls his head away and gives me a glare. I grin back._

"_Yeah, no, things are good," his response comes out as a short sigh. He relaxes again against me and I wonder what it would be like if my mother asked about me when she called. That's one time I don't mind her lack of concern for me._

"_No, I haven't looked for a new job yet," he groans. I had almost forgotten about that. Not that I mind at all. Maybe he'll go grunge and grow a beard and remember how to play his guitar. Amazing little fantasy playing out in my mind…_

"_I know," he replies. I can feel his body tense and I let my hands run over his stomach. He squirms a little under my touch and I giggle remembering that he's ticklish. Wanting nothing more to shield him from anything I could, I pluck the phone from his hand without much thought._

"_Esme?" I say into the phone. She stops mid sentence and suddenly this doesn't seem like the best idea. What's that saying about getting between a mama lion and her baby?_

"_Bella?" she asks and I do a little inner happy dance that she remembers my name. That has to count for something, right? Edward pulls away from my grasp and leans across from me a confused look on his face. I should probably tell him that Mama Cullen and I go way back._

"_Um, how are you doing?" I ask because I don't know what else to say. All other thoughts running through my mind have to do with using her son as a plate for dinner. Probably not the best line of conversation._

"_I'm fine dear. How are you?" she answers politely. I pick at the loose thread at the hem of my shirt._

"_Peaches and cream. Just trying to decide what to order for dinner." When all else fails honesty is always a good idea. I lift my eyes to meet Edward's and he gives me a hesitant smile. Poor kid thinks this is torture for me. Maybe he knows me better than I give him credit for._

"_Ahh the life before your calories really catch up with you," Esme sighs. I laugh and swing my feet, hitting the cupboards. Edward catches one of my feet on a back swing and I struggle against his hold. Then that evil gleam winks at me from his eye and I know I'm screwed._

"_Well it was either order out or try to choke down what your son was going to feed me," I say it mostly for Edward's benefit, but Esme laughs none the less and I feel proud. I am so winning her over._

"_He's always thought he was a fantastic cook. So when are you two going to come down here and let me cook for you?" I almost drop the phone. The combination of Mama Cullen asking that question and Edward inching his hands up my leg prove to be almost lethal._

_I plead with Edward with my eyes for help but he just smirks and keeps his damn hands on their mission to drive me slowly insane._

"_Um, I'm not sure. You'd have to talk to Edward about that," I beg out of the question. She scoffs and I swallow hard as fingers graze my inner thigh. Evil, evil man._

"_If things were left up to Edward you two would have four children and a house in Jersey before we meet." That does it. I choke on my own spit. I'm sure it looks appealing and sexy and I gasp for breath and turn red in the face. Edward is instantly next to me rubbing my back._

_He coos softly and I take deep shaking breaths. Kids?_

"_You ok, honey?" Esme's voice breaks into my panic attack. I put the phone back to my ear._

"_Yeah sorry. Went down the wrong pipe," I offer. Edward chuckles next to me and hands me a glass of water._

"_So Sunday night you two will come for dinner. Don't worry about bringing anything but my son," Esme orders. I nod mutely. Edward did not inherit his mother's assertiveness._

"_Sounds great," I lie. She chirps a goodbye and I pull the phone away from my face and just stare at it. Edward pries it gently from my hand and sets it on the counter next to me._

"_So, how do you know my mom?" he asks. His hands are firmly on my thighs and I try to think about the best way to say this._

"_Oh you know, we both like bread so…." I trail off. Good Lord that sounded lame. I grimace just in the memory of it. I peak up at Edward to see him smirking down at me. Guessing he didn't buy that._

"_The last I heard mom's not eating carbs til Christmas," he quips, crossing his arms over his chest. My thighs feel instantly cold. I pout a little and mimic his posture._

"_I should probably let you know that your mother just ordered us to dinner Sunday night. Should I be worried?" I ask. I really want to know. Edward NEVER talks about his family. I don't even know where home is. I am a shitty girlfriend._

"_What would you have to be worried about? You already know my mom and she runs shit," he teases. His arms uncross and he places his hands on my back. I lean into the touch willingly._

"_If you were meeting my mother I would be shitting bricks. I don't know. Meeting the family is a big deal right? I've never met anyone's family before," I ramble. He chuckles a little and begins moving his hands up and down my back. This feels like a big deal. The kind of event that precedes matching coffee cups, rings and….I can't formulate a thought past that point. _

"_Nothing to be afraid of. My dad collects shit that he orders from late night infomercials and my mom will love you," he whispers next to my ear. I let his words do their magic and I slump my weight into him. My head falls naturally into the crook of his neck and I reach my tongue out to lick the skin there. A small shiver shakes his body and I repeat the action, attaching my lips to the hollow of his throat. _

_His hands delve under my shirt and continue their path on my bareback. I keep sucking until I am sure I am about to leave a mark and then I set a path upwards. His hands press me firmly into him and I chuckle when his fingers reach under the clasp of my bra and pop it open._

_I pull away from him and cock an eyebrow at him. He shrugs before pulling his hands around to my stomach and then up and under my slackened bra. I gasp as his warm hands cup me firmly. I bite my lip and sigh._

"_If I had known your talking to your mother was an aphrodisiac I would have called her days ago," I tease. He looks up at me and I worry that he might stop, but then his mouth goes to my ear and I lose all thought._

"_Bella, my mom has nothing to do with why I want you right now," he whispers in my ear. Mother of all things holy. I shove at his chest lightly and his lower lip protrudes instantly. I chuckle as I pull my shirt and bra off. Damn fabric was in the way. The pout disappears instantly as his lips replace his hands on my chest. _

_If my eyes could take up permanent residence in the back on my head they would. I lace one hand through his hair holding him to me and let the other wander down his chest. My hand reaches the waist of his jeans, but he picks that moment to bite lightly and my hand drops limply from its target. Dirty player._

_His mouth starts to move upwards and my mind clears minutely. I reattach my hand to the band of his jeans and pull at the buttons. Who the hell wears button flys anymore? They invented zippers for a reason._

_I finally get enough buttons open just enough to shove his pants down with my feet. My hands then start at the base of his shirt. There needs to be fewer clothes now. Fuck the feel of cotton. He releases the skin of my neck to pull his shirt over his head and I sigh happily. Finally. I press my chest to his and hiss at the sensation._

_My mouth seeks his and in that moment I am sure that this is going to work. I can overcome anything to chase this feeling. I wrap my arms and legs around him and he chuckles at my grip._

"_I think you should walk around in just your boxer briefs at all time," I sigh as I pull away from his mouth for a moment. He chuckles before resting his hands on my hips and dipping his thumbs inside the rim of my boy shorts. I scoot forward to press more firmly against him._

_He pulls them off me and my ass meets the cool granite and I hiss and pull myself off the counter into his arms._

"_Shit Love. I'm sorry if counter sex was a fantasy, but there is no way in hell I am putting my naked self back down on that." He moves his arms around me to support my weight and walks us away from the island. He sets me down on the table and smirks down at me._

"_My table sex fantasy is next on the list," he growls. The table isn't warm, but there is no way I am going to wait any longer. I grip the top of his boxer briefs and shove them down and take him in my hand. I smile briefly as he groans, but he smashes his mouth to mine, swallowing my smile. I let his tongue fuck my mouth as I stroke him slowly. _

_When his fingers tease my slit I gasp around his tongue. He breaks from me to smile before slipping two fingers inside me. I should be embarrassed at how ready I am for him, how wet I am, but it feels too damn good to worry about anything._

"_Enough of that," I insist. I push his hands away and smile when he groans at the loss of contact. I pull him closer using my hand to guide him to me. I remove my hands and wrap my legs around his waist, pushing him into me slightly. We both groan and my head falls forward onto his shoulder._

"_Jesus Bella. I almost forgot," he hisses as he lets his hips do the rest of the work, completely losing himself inside of me. I bare my teeth and let them scrape along his shoulder._

"_How fucking good you feel," he finishes. I nod my agreement against his shoulder. He eases out before slamming back into me and I am not ashamed when his name falls from my lips. He continues to slide in and out of me and I lift my head to watch his face._

_I take his lips in mine and suck his tongue in my mouth. I kiss him hard robbing both of us of our breaths. I feel my stomach begin to clench and I clench myself around him._

"_Good lord love, you make me feel so," I can't even finish the statement as white explodes behind my eyes. I grip him tighter and as I come down from my release I feel him spill into me. His head rests on my chest and he shudders through his climax. His heavy weight presses against me and I lean back on the table, too tired to take it._

_I feel his arms snake around me and I let him pick me up and carry me to the couch. Can't really do much of anything on the table. He sets me down before pressing himself next to me. I throw a leg over him and my nose along his jaw line._

"_We are no longer allowed to go that long without sex," I inform him. He chuckles throatily. His hands trail down my sides and pull me impossibly closer to him._

"_I will have no problem obeying that rule," he replies. I shove my fingers into his hair and sigh. This is it. There is no fear, no impulse to run in this moment. And that's how I know that it's real._

_***_

**a/n another one i know..... i wanted to pimp out a couple stories...**

**Emperors of Washington by gallantcorkscrews- this one is different be warned. but its fresh and you'll find yourself routing for a killer. yeah, its like that :)**

**Elemental by tallulahbelle- a different spin on e/b being destined for one another. amazing plot.**

**and just to remind you....reviews welcome!**


	27. Chapter 27

**A/N It's been a long time and there aren't words to say how sorry I am about that. The reviews continue to give me more pride than a soccer mom with an honor student bumper sticker. Can't say enough about them. Welcome to all the new readers who have never actually seen this story updated...thanks for holding on.**

**A VERY VERY special thanks to sah0004 without whom this chapter would have probably never seen the light of day. And if it had it would have been with significantly more spelling mistakes, and less commas lol**

***

It's amazing how you can do something a thousand times, more times than you can count and then all of a sudden it seems new, different. I glance over at Bella in the passenger seat and watch as she absorbs the scenery. If you can even call it scenery. Really, it's a blur of trees and billboards, but she's transfixed nonetheless. Every so often she glances over and throws me a mind-numbing smile.

I turn my eyes back to the road and swallow thickly. This is an important step, and I want this. The words are repeated in my mind because as much as I want to move forward with the woman sitting next to me, this about so much more than going home for Sunday dinner.

Sunday dinners at my parents are a tradition. Its one of the only things that Alice will leave Montauk for. There's always roast, wine, and the same guests, guests including Jasper's parents. After the accident, these dinners became scarce. I was the first deserter, followed quickly by Alice. Now I think my mother plans them and then acts unaffected when we make out excuses.

The music in the car is suddenly blaring and I shake off my thoughts to watch Bella as she sings loudly, and horribly along to an 80's ballad. Her eyes are closed, her head leaning back against the seat. Moments like this make me think that we can overcome all of our mutual shit. When she's completely at ease with me, when she doesn't hesitate to show me every part of her.

It's my turn now. She's giving up all her fears and insecurities, for me. Well for her, but because she wants me. The feeling is a little overwhelming, but hell if it doesn't make me want to do the same. So I'm going home, to face a room full of people that when combined scare the living shit out of me. Because I'm going to be worthy of her. I'm going to match her efforts.

"You know, it would make me feel a lot less insecure if you could sing along," Bella chirps at me. She's curled up in the seat, her entire body facing me. The smile on her face is hesitant, like she knows the thoughts running through my mind. I sigh, releasing my fears for a moment and smile.

"If I sing, I won't be able to appreciate you butchering Total Eclipse of the Heart," I tease. Her mouth falls open in mock horror before her smiling eyes betray her. God, she owns me. And that's why I know I can do this. Because I want to be owned, by her. Like the teddy bear she keeps under her bed, that she doesn't think I know about.

"Well this isn't a free show Love, you gotta pay for entertainment like this," she quips. I laugh and savor the sensation. My hand reaches blindly across the center console looking for hers and I calm even more as she twines her fingers with mine.

"And what do you want for payment?" I ask. I wag my eyebrows for effect and her laughter bounces of the interior of the car. Her hand stays in mine as she slows her laughter and then leans towards me.

"I don't think you can pay me properly while driving Love," she whispers against my cheek before dragging her lips down to mine for a brief kiss. My lips pucker and stay that way after she pulls away. I groan and allow my eyes to close briefly.

"That is not playing nice," I hiss playfully. My cock strains against the zipper of my jeans and I pull my hand reluctantly from her grip to try and adjust myself. She laughs again and I throw her a mock glare. She grins back at me like an obnoxious child, and shit if I don't love that smile as well.

"I'll make it up to you later," she sighs as she curls back up in the passenger seat. Her hand seeks out mine this time and the silence blankets us.

There were moments where I never thought this future would be possible. Days while she was running from me, or I guess facing her demons, that I was sure I would never feel this calm again. That I would never want to crawl out of my carefully placed façade. That's what my life had become. A fucking façade. Something I created to make myself feel far away from the person I was. The person I blamed for Jasper.

I was close too, so close to disappearing beneath it. The people who had tried to pull me out, I pushed away. And Hannah, she was happy to watch me drown. The façade was all she knew. The person she had met and fostered a relationship with. How shitty is that?

And now, now the façade is all but gone. Cracked and chipped away by purple toenails and sour patch kids. It's like I can move, stretch for the first time in years. There are parts of this that are scary as hell, but I'm hoping it'll be worth it. I know it will be worth it.

"So do you think your mom will bring out the naked baby pictures right away, or will I have to worm my way in before they're offered?" Bella muses. I roll my eyes and try to act like she's ridiculous, but really I hope my mom will be so excited about the revival of Sunday night dinners that she won't have time to pull out the pictures. I may have gone through a nudist streak at age three.

"If you want to see me naked all you have to do is ask," I offer. She licks her lips slowly and the temperature in the car goes up about ten degrees. I should feel self conscious about the way she can switch me on and off, but I fucking love it. Suddenly she's leaning across the console again and I wish we were on our way home instead of the opposite direction.

She breathes against my ear before taking my ear lobe into her mouth. She sucks and bites lightly and it's all I can do to keep the car on the fucking road. This means road head is out of the question. Damn.

Slowly her lips work their way down from my ear to the crook of my neck and I lean my head away from her giving her more room to work with. Usually when we're together I take over, anxious to have my way with her, but there's something about being under her control that we're going to have to explore more fully later, with less clothes.

It's over before it ever really begins, but her hand cups the back of her neck and her lips stay near my ear.

"That was just the beginning. We just have to get through tonight and then we'll finish that," she whispers. She knows. And that's just another reason I know this is real. I thought I was hiding my anxiety, but she knows. And for some reason that makes me feel like I can do anything. Even this.

***

_I'm not sure what I was expecting of Edward's childhood home. Knowing that mine was far from normal. I mean how many parents don't allow toys outside of the child's bedroom so they can hide the fact that they even have a child?_

_The house is perfect. Perfect in the amount of unkempt yard, the less than pristine cars and even more for the love I can already feel. We pull up, and a small woman rushes from the door. She has my door open and has pulled me into her arms before I can even get a good look at her face. _

_Her arms are twisted around my body, her face buried in my hair and I want to cry. Mostly because I've never gotten this reception from my own mother. I suck back the emotions. No more of that. The pity and sorrow have to go. I need more room for newer, more pleasant emotions, like love. I lift my eyes to see Edward smiling at me from over his mother's head and the love surges into the newly vacated places._

"_You do realize that I am your child right?" he quips. Esme lets out an enthusiastic cry and launches herself at him instead. Her sudden attack rushes the air from his lungs, but he laughs and accepts her easily. I wrap my arms around myself missing the contact already. Give me a little and I become an instant addict. _

"_Mom, seriously, if you can't detach yourself we're never coming inside," Edward teases. She swats at his arm as she pulls herself away. She turns to face me and I immediately take to the task of placing the features she passes onto Edward. The hue of his hair, the pout of his lips. _

"_It's so nice to finally place a face with the voice. And look at you, beautiful," she gushes and my face heats up instantly. My head drops instinctively and I shake off her compliment. Her hands reach for my face, brining my gaze back to hers. _

"_It's really nice to meet the woman who created my newest necessity," I blurt and immediately wish I could hold back the verbal vomit for the rest of the night. Edward huffs out a laugh and his mother continues to just smile at me. _

"_I'm glad to be of service, but let's get you two inside. Even though he won't admit it, Carlisle is chomping at the bit to meet you. I couldn't pull him away from QVC," she rambles. She takes one of my hands and one of Edward's and drags us towards the house. Edward immediately links our free hands and I feel more in place instantly. _

_We struggle to enter the house at the same time and squeeze through after a little effort. Instantly I'm enveloped by warmth and just the feeling of home. If I were more of a culinary genius, I'd be able to identify the fantastic smells coming from the kitchen, but I'm nothing close to a domestic goddess. Edward pulls me into his side and presses his lips firmly to my hair. I melt a little into him. _

_The living room is covered in pictures. Various stages of Edward's life displayed proudly before me and I pull away to take it all in like a mini slide show. My fingers take on a life of their own, tracing his features as they age. And I love him just a little bit more for going through an obviously awkward stage in middle school, and sporting braces well into high school. _

"_You have no idea how many times I tried to burn my seventh grade picture," Edward whispers into my ear. I chuckle and turn to press my lips swiftly to his. With all the excitement I almost forgot who this trip was really about. Pushing all my insecurities down, I pull him to me and hope that I can tell him with my closeness that I'm damn proud of him._

"_I'm glad you failed. I like seeing this side of you. The side that other people miss out on," I assure him. I tug a little on his hand. His eyes meet mine and I see the anxiousness there. My past seems so insignificant compared to his. So my mother was more concerned with her love life than me. Who cares? This man has been carrying the weight of his friend's death for years. The weight of it nearly crushed him. _

"_Thank God for that," he sighs. I nuzzle into his neck a little and he relaxes slightly. We're nowhere close to being perfect. Our mutual spotty pasts will trail after us whether we like it or not, but we're almost to the point where we're not chained down by it. So close to not looking over our shoulders at every turn. And I want that for us, for him. _

"_Esme! Did my snuggie come?" The voice breaks us apart and I am instantly greeted by a tiny glimpse of my possible future. Edward's father matches him almost completely. His gray hair and thinner lips the only difference. Even the confusion that crosses his features is familiar. He stops and clears his throat._

"_Dad, this is Bella," Edward offers. I straighten myself and offer my hand, but am pulled into an embarrassingly hard chest. God lord is that muscle definition genetic?_

"_Izzy," I mumble lamely into Papa Cullen's shirt. He chuckles and pulls me away holding me by my shoulders as he looks me over. His eyes glow with warmth and I am jealous. A father. What would that be like? Those feelings are tossed aside quickly._

"_I like you already. Did you want a snuggie? I got a two for one offer." he asks. I feel my face screw up in confusion. Is that code for a hug?_

"_Um, sure?" I reply. His eyes twinkle._

"_Excellent," he murmurs and exits just as quickly as he appeared, yelling about the snuggies to Mama Cullen. He stops briefly to grip Edward's shoulder and says something low into his ear. Edward smiles softly and nods. I wander back to the wall of memories and am momentarily sidetracked by the sight of Edward in uniform. A band uniform. I hold back the laugh._

"_You were in band?" I choke out. He crosses his arms over his chest and feigns anger. I tear my eyes way from him and look back at the tasseled jacket and plumed hat. Wow. All thoughts that we may have been friends in high school just flew out the front door. _

"_I'm not exactly football material," he grumbles. I take one last look at the picture, burning it to memory for future blackmail use and then turn back to him. I take both sides of his face and pull his face down to mine. Our foreheads press together, our noses touching._

"_And I love you despite the fact that you wore a feather on your head," I say against his lips. I don't give him time to reply as I press my lips to his, careful to keep it remotely chaste. He sighs against my lips and I can't help but take his bottom lips between mine and pull just a little. I'll take a little from him in the name of comfort. _

_A high-pitched whistle breaks us apart and I turn to see a tiny woman and an equally tiny little girl staring at me expectantly. Their faces both holding the same impish smile and I'm a little scared. Then the tinnier of the two launches into motion._

"_Edwaaaaard," she squeals, throwing herself into his arms. He takes her willingly, brushing his lips over her forehead. Instantly I'm warmed like one of Emmett's pop tarts._

"_Hey short stuff," he says. They grin at each other and I feel like I've slipped into a Lifetime movie and I actually don't want to change the channel._

"_So you're Bella," a chimed voice breaks me from my voyeurism. I turn towards the dark haired woman and almost offer my more comment nickname, but decide against it. If Edward loves her, she can call me whatever she wants. _

"_I am. And yet I feel a little like an ass given I don't have a clue who you are," I offer. Again with the horrible word choice. I need to take a class on how to speak like a normal person. She smiles despite my horrible attempt at conversation. Again I am pulled into a hug before I can think to back away._

"_I'm Alice," she states. And everything shifts. My mind flashes with the articles and Edward's broken sobs. This is the woman, the little girl. Loss renders me useless for a few endless seconds as I just stare at her. She looks less broken than Edward, but I know better to assume that it's true. _

"_I guess I do know who you are then," I answer. She laughs. Laughs and I like her instantly. A tiny hand grips my own and tugs me down. I willingly sink to my knees to be level with the blonde haired girl. She places her hands on my face and peers into my eyes with intense scrutiny. _

"_You have happy eyes," she declares placing a large smacking kiss on my cheek. I smile back at her and return the gesture. _

"_Uncle Edward loves you, but I still get to be his favorite," she announces. I nod solemnly, not wanting to mess with the tiny bundle of energy. Once she gets my submission she pulls me along chattering on a mile a minute about how we can be friends and have matching toenails. I wonder if Alice thinks purple is approved for children's toenails._

_I glance back to see Edward and Alice embrace. He smiles at her and I feel lighter. This was the right thing to do. Skye, my new best friend's name as I have been informed, pulls me into the kitchen where I am instructed to wear a frilly apron and assist in frosting cookies. _

_I lose myself in sprinkles and food coloring for a while. A tiny lost moment of childhood being fulfilled. _

"_Are you and Edward going to have babies?" Skye blurts as she shakes pink sprinkles over every cookie. I choke on the frosting covered spoon I was cleaning with my tongue and my eyes dart over to Mama Cullen who is watching with interest. I swallow and compose myself._

_Skye continues to decorate, like the question she asked was about my shoe preference and not my reproductive hopes. _

"_Not right now," I stammer. The answer surprises even me. Children have always fascinated me. But, this is the first time I've thought of having one of my own. I swallow hard and try to clam the emotions that are stirring with this admission. _

"_Momma says that when two people love each other they have babies. Like her and daddy. Don't you love Uncle Edward?" she asks. She breaks her concentration on the cookies to stare at me. I look for help in Mama Cullen but she turns back to the sink with a smirk. Another thing he got from his mother, that damn smirk. _

"_Your momma is right and I do love your Uncle Edward. But, sometimes people wait to have babies til…." My mind wanders for a reason that would appease a small child. Things like timing and money and security will fall deaf on her ears. _

"_Until they find the right crib," I blurt. It's a ridiculous answer, but Skye accepts it with a nod of her head. I slump a little against the counter in relief. A mini-interrogation avoided. A hand reaches around my waist and I jump at the contact._

"_Those cookies look really good Skye. I think I need one," Edward says. My nerves prick with the thought that he witnessed babygate. Skye smacks at his hands._

"_Not til after dinner, right Auntie Esme?" she states. Esme answers with her approval and I watch as Edward twists his face into exaggerated disappointment. He pulls me solidly into him as Esme whisks Skye away to wash up for dinner. I twist out of Edward's arms and make a production of adding dollops of frosting to the already loaded cookies._

"_A crib huh?" he chuckles. My face heats up again and I attempt to swallow down my mortification. The last thing I need him to know is that I may or may not have envisioned having babies with him. There's still too many black holes to fill._

"_She's scary in a practically adult way," I scoff. He laughs and nods. His laugh brings a smile to my face. He leans into me again, burying his face into my neck. We stay that that for a while, and it feels damn good. Good to be in this place with him, to not be running._

_The doorbell chimes and Edward jerks away from me. I listen as the door is opened and unfamiliar voices echo down the hall towards us. My eyes are glues to Edward. I watch helplessly as every ounce of relaxation disappears and his whole body goes rigid. _

_I place a hand on his back and hope I can help him remember he's not here alone. For a brief moment I resent everyone in this cozy house. Resent them all for pretending like this is just a normal day. Ignoring what a big deal this is isn't going to make it any better for him. He needs words. _

_As a recent filler of my own personal black hole, I know that ignoring it will only make it grow. They need to fill it with words, with gestures, help him realize what he already knows. That it's not his fault, that no one holds it against him._

_I tear my eyes away from him to find us surrounded. A small crowd has gathered in the kitchen, all pretending not to be watching our every move. They mill about, making meaningless conversation. The anger boils up unexpectedly. This is ridiculous, you can feel the love and concern these people have for each other, but they just won't open their mouths. _

_I'm about to tell them all what I think about all of this, when Edward bolts. My eyes stay on the back door long after he's disappeared through it. The chatter has stopped and the silence is stifling. I raise my head to look at the faces staring back at me. _

"_I know that you all don't know me from Suzy down the street, but you're not helping. Acting like everything is fine isn't helping. He came here. He didn't want to. He hasn't slept for two days, but he came. The least you can do is act honestly," I chide. There are probably better things I could do to make a good impression. I could bite my tongue and follow this charade, but I love him too much to play along in that lie. It's painful to meet their remorseful eyes, so I swallow thickly and follow him out the door. _

***

When I was younger I used to hide out in the backyard all the time. My dad put up a swing in the tree and I had a pretty kick ass tree house. But now, sitting on a cold concrete bench, my ass losing feeling, I'm not really feeling nostalgic.

Things were going well. Bella was in my house, my parents had yet to do anything that specifically made me want to crawl into a hole, and Skye had already charmed the pants off of Bella. I even overheard Bella hint at a more permanent future. At that point I was all but congratulating myself for bringing her home. And then I heard their voices. The same voices that whistled and cat called at almost all our shows, and suddenly I was suffocating.

I lean forward and bury my face into my hands. A true marker of adulthood, running from my fears. My fingers weave into my hair and I tug, wanting to feel something other than panic. The pain is short lived.

I couldn't keep away. Alice and Skye had been a part of my life since the accident. My cousin had always been my confidant and Skye, she won me over the first time she locked eyes with me. But his parents, I hadn't called, hadn't kept in touch. There weren't words for how I felt when I stood across from them at the funeral. Watching their silent tears and devastation. They had no reason to forgive me. Alice had, or so she tells me, but they shouldn't. It would be too much to ask.

This is what the façade was protecting me from. From the moment I had too look those people in the eyes and know that I had the gall to live after making a phone call that put their son in the ground. To see the remorse and wistfulness would crush me.

I take deep shuddering breaths and fight to keep my eyes dry. Nothing has even happened and I'm ready to ball like a little fucking girl. The cold has started to seep into my bones, but I can't go back in there.

And then a warm body settles next to mine. Legs swing over my lap, a face nuzzles into my shoulder and the tears win the war. They spill over my cheeks and race down my face. She's the reason I haven't peeled out of the driveway yet. If she can kick her demons to the curb, then I have to be able to at least kick mine a swift kick to the balls.

We stay like that for a while. Long enough for the sun to dip below the horizon. The darkness brings with it more cold and just when my fingers start to go numb, she takes my face in her hands and brings my forehead to hers.

"I know it sucks ass to be here, and if we were having dinner with my mother and her flavor of the month, I would be begging to haul ass out of here, but you can do this," she assures me. I let her breath fan over my face, bringing a little warmth with it. She shifts impossibly closer, wrapping her arms around my neck.

"Those people in there, all of those people, love you. Hell, I can feel it. All you have to do is go in there and look at them to know that they want to help. They want you to be happy," she persists. I choke on some lingering tears and let my eyes slide closed. Her words fight to chase away my fears and I feel like a little shit for making her do this, for not being man enough to just do this on my own.

But, without her I wouldn't even be here, so I welcome her help. I nod against her, still unable to find my words. I let her stand first and then follow her lead. She tugs at my hand and leads me back to the house. The whole place is lit up like Christmas, and I feel the pull towards the people inside.

We enter and everyone goes silent. Everyone's already around the table, two empty seats the only thing that even suggests anything, anyone was missing. Bella doesn't hesitate to pull me towards our seats. We slip into sit, the chairs scraping against the floor, shattering the silence around us.

"You're 'possed to wear a coat if you go outside Edward," Skye announces. I meet her gaze and can't help but smile at the scolding glare she sends me.

"You're right. I should have taken a coat Skye. Next time I will, gloves too," I agree. She nods, pleased with my submission. She digs back into her food oblivious to the awkwardness bathing the table. Bella's hand settles on my thigh and for once it doesn't make all the blood rush to my dick. I pick up my fork and begin the process of pushing my food around on my plate.

A small amount of residual noise builds and my nerves are running me over. I've yet to make eye contact with anyone. Still terrified of what I may see there.

And then someone clears their throat. My eyes unconsciously seek out the noise and settle on Jasper's dad. Jasper's mother is whispering furiously under his breath at him, but he's shaking her off. The room quiets again, except for Skye's soft dialoguing of her day to my mother.

"Edward," Mr. Whitlock states firmly. He pulls his eyes from his wife to meet mine. They're cool, still, and so much like Jasper's.

"I know that we've been inclined to ignore our past, and pretend that we didn't see you deteriorating in front of us, but this has got to stop son," he insists. And everything around me freezes. He was supposed to hold Jasper's absence against me. He, _they_, were my last validation for the weight I let pin me down too often. I choke down some water and flit my eyes towards Bella for some strength.

"Sir?" I ask. I need him to say more. I need to be sure. He sighs and shakes his head.

"You can't blame yourself any longer. It would piss the hell out of Jasper and I won't see more lives ruined. It wasn't your fault. That boy would have swam the arctic ocean naked for that band," he states.

I swallow hard and images of Jasper flood my mind. Him insisting we practice an hour longer, booking gigs hours away just to get our names out there, spending hours building a rudimentary website. Memories I've kept at bay since that night.

"Not that time. He said he wanted to stay home that night. And I still called," I argue. Those are the facts. Words can't change that. Mr. Whitlock sighs and grips his wife's hand on top of the table.

"He loved the band and he loved you, that doesn't mean that it was your fault," Mrs. Whitlock offers. I shake my head and feel my hands start to shake. My eyes flit to Skye and I feel the weight creeping up on me.

"I told him to go," Alice whispers. All heads whip in her direction. She keeps her gaze on her plate for a beat, before looking right at me.

"When you called, I told him to go. I knew that Skye wasn't coming that night. And I knew how badly he wanted to go. I pushed him out that door. If you want to blame someone, blame me," she says firmly. My heart is sputtering in my chest. Years I've laid my grief at her feet, and she's never told me this. And yet I'm not angry.

"Why didn't you tell me that?" I plead. She shakes her head, the motion drawing tears. She sucks in a harsh breath.

"Mama, why are you crying? I'll eat my broccoli, pinky promise," Skye breaks in. Alice wipes at the tears on her eyes and smiles down at her daughter.

"I know baby. Thank you. I'm just trying to make Uncle Edward be happy," she replies. Skye's face screws up in confusion and she glares at me.

"Edward, it's not nice to make girls cry. Listen to mama and be happy," she demands. Bella's arm wraps around my waist and I half chuckle half cry. It can't be this simple. It shouldn't be this easy.

"Yes m'am," I reply easily. I move my eyes from face to face at the table, everyone pleading with me without words to listen to her request. My breathing evens and I feel a little lighter, little more like things might be possible.

"Enough of this heavy talk. There's a special on grilling at eight, so let's eat," my father announces, and suddenly the room bursts to life. I turn to Bella and breathe her in. For the first time in a long time, this table doesn't seem like a cell. All because a girl gave me a He-Man lunch box.

"Did you believe them?" her voice takes me over. This wasn't a quick fix and I won't be miraculously cured, but it's a start. A place I can start from. And it feels damn amazing.

***

**A/N Please please please let me know what you think. Are any of you with sah0004 and want more? Hit that little button and let me know!**


	28. Chapter 28

**A/N- I told you all I wouldn't make you wait too long again. I cannot say enough about the reviews/support I got after the last chapter. Completely made me feel like a very girly/less buff version of superman. Can't thank you all enough.**

**I also can't say enough about sah0004 who has become my personal ff coach. She pushes and motivates and seriously knows her way around some spelling/grammar. She's fantastic and this wouldn't be here without her.**

***

_It's a funny thing settling back into normal life when nothing about me is what I used to call normal. And yet_**_,_**_ I sit at my desk, a chai in front of me whileAng and Jake argue__, and it feels normal. I shift a little in my seat getting used to the feeling. Knowing that even though my whole core has shifted to make room for Edward_**_,_**_ and love_**_,_**_ and maybe even a sliver of space for my mother, I feel calm. Why does that freak me out just a little?_

_"Izzy. Please tell this overgrown idiot that while he thinks that hookahs are 'kick ass' they are in no way appropriate for a charity fundraiser." Angela's voice breaks me from my attempt at panic_**_,_**_ and I can't help but laugh. Jake has his arms crossed like he thinks I might actually side with him. Maybe that incense is leaking into his brain._

_I pick up my empty pencil cup and chuck it at Jake's head. It actually hits him_**_, _**_and he stares at me while he wails about possible brain damage. Please. Angela has a kind of crazy smile on her face as she watches him wallow._

_"Both of you calm the hell down. No hookahs Jake. And Ang, please stop tormenting the intern. We really don't pay him much and can't afford to lose him. Play nice children," I command. They both hang their heads just a little before retreating to their separate corners of the room. Once the excitement settles, I try to settle back into my panic, but its nowhere to be found. I don't know how I feel about that._

_For years I've been running from the possibility of settling, from the idea of having one person so attached to me I could possibly tear them to shreds. And now, hell, sometimes I want to tie a rope around Edward's torso and drag him around with me everywhere. How sick is that?_

_I glance at my phone and resist the urge to call said new attachment. Going to his parents_**_'_**_ shook something loose in him. He's beenon the warpath_**_, _**_attempting to open his own accounting firm_**_._**_ And I'm not beyond admitting that I miss it when he was unemployed and available to me at a whim._

_Simon was more than happy to be his first client, and if it wasn't enough that I was sharing Edward with work, I have to know that he and Simon and chumming it up in the presence of LP greatness. And I am stuck listening to Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dum argue_**_. _**

_My lip juts out in an unconscious pout as I stare at the silent phone. At least I can have the assurance that while I am at ease with this new love thing, I am no closer to being an adult than I was before. Somehow I thought it would be like magic. Fall in love and wake up an adult, like some sort of fairy tale. Didn't happen_

_"Did you confirm with the bands?" Ang asks. I shake thoughts of pencil neck from my head and focus on her. Right, work now. Pencil neck later. It doesn't help that we are ramping up for what might be our biggest fundraiser ever._

_"Yeah, I got three confirmed_**_,_**_ with a fourth teetering," I sigh. Angela nods and types furiously at her computer. My focus wanes again as I try to make sense of the words swimming in front of me_**_._**_ This is not working. I let my head rest on the desk. My eyelids lower and then there's haze._

_"Izzy, get your ass up and quit drooling on my paperwork." Someone should contract Angela to voice an alarm clock. There is no sleeping through her. I lift my head and swipe my hand over my mouth, collecting the moisture there. Why Edward finds me sleeping endearing I will never understand._

_"I'm so sorry Ang," I slur, still a little sleepy. She rolls her eyes and kicks at my chair. The movement brings everything into focus just a little more. My eyes find the windows and I groan at the sight of the low sun. I slept for hours. I meet Angela's eyes and try to smile apologetically. She rolls her eyes and shoves a paper at me._

_"This is the list of vendors I need you to check in with. Maybe you'll have better luck outside of the office," she sighs. I take the list willingly and stand up. I stretch a little before throwing my arms around Angela's retreating form. She stiffens under my grasp at first. She relaxes gradually._

_"I'm sorry I'm a flighty pain in the ass Ang," I state. She bats at my hands._

_"Shut up. I may be the slave driver, but you're the creative genius and all that shit. Get outta here," she chides. I hold my hands up in surrender and back towards the door. Maybe I do need fresh air, a better distraction._

_I step outside and feel a littler lighter without four walls around me. Just as I'm releasing the last of my tension_**_,_**_ my phone chimes. I dig through my bag and smile when I grasp it in the mess._

_"Hello?" A tiny squeal comes through the phone and the smile on my face almost hurts. I should be slightly offended that a four year old can operate a cell phone better than I can, but I just love that she chooses to use her talents to call me._

_"Bella! My mom said I could call you 'cause you might not be busy. And I had dance class today and we got to wear the noisy shoes," she rambles. Probably one of my favorite outcomes of the Cullen family get together was meeting this little girl._

_"Yeah? I tried to take dance class when I was little, but I liked to wear the noisy shoes on my hands instead of my feet, so I wasn't allowed to come anymore," I answer. She giggles and the noise is amazing. I kind of want to carry her around with me all day._

_"Ms. Shelly said noisy shoes are only allowed when we pay lots and lots of 'tension," she continues. I smile again and hold back my laugh. There isn't any doubt in my mind as to why Edward loves her and her mother so much. They're like tiny bursts of sunshine in human form. She continues to detail her day to me, from the crab she found on the beach_**_,_**_ to the little boy in her preschool class who ate the raw pasta meant for the art project. I listen intently not wanting to miss a moment and am almost sad when she releases the phone to her mother. It was such a nice break from reality._

_"I would say that I'm sorry that she bugs you, but I know you won't hear it. So I'll just skip it. How's the day?" Alice asks. I smile again, never endingly grateful for the woman on the other end of the phone. I can't hear her voice without thinking of her words that night_**_,_**_ and knowing how they may have finally knocked some sense into Edward._

_"The day is long. And I swear to high heaven if I can't get your cousin to stop bringing his work to bed_**_,_**_ I am going to kick his ass back to his own apartment," I seethe. Alice laughs and I sigh. I shouldn't complain. I really shouldn't, but when receipts and numbers come to bed. Other things don't….come._

_"Oh sweetie. Good luck with that. I was hoping that maybe you'd be willing to spend Saturday with Skye and I? I've never really shown her Central Park and I think she'd like it," Alice answers. I don't even try to suppress the smile. I know this is a big deal for her. Edward had told me how much she hate_**_d_**_ to leave their little house._

_"Of course. I'll play tour guide and maybe I can even drag Edward away from work," I supply. She laughs and we figure out the details. I snap the phone closed and turn my face up towards the sun. Too soon I force my eyes back down to my list_**_._**_ Back to reality for me._

_The errands go quickly, the city cooperating with me for once. I leave the florist and pull out Romeo. I press down the six and am glad Edward programmed my speed dial. Even if I did give him crap about it at the time._

_"If you're looking for Lady GaGa_**_,_**_ you won't find her here," Simon's voice answers and I smile as I sink onto a bench. I'm not calling because I'm worried. Edward is in good hands with Simon. You can't help but feel relaxed and restored when you're with him._

_"Just the man I was looking for," I reply. I hear his chuckle._

_"Yeah? Why am I so lucky as to garner that honor?" he asks. I shrug my shoulders even though I know he can't see it. I really want to head over to the shop, but I don't want to look like a hovering mother hen. Not that I have any kind of mother like feelings towards Edward. That would just be, ugh, so wrong._

_"Can't I just call in and chat?" I quip. Another laugh. This would work better if Simon didn't know me so well._

_"So this call has nothing to do with the fact that your no numbered friend is here?" he presses. I sigh and smile. Caught red handed and I can't even be bothered to care._

_"It may have a little something to do with that," I admit. The feeling of need is still new to me. I'm only just getting used to the way it feels, rustling around inside of me. The way my heart flutters like a flock of rogue butterflies at even the thought of Edward. And now I sound like a teen pop ballad. Look what he has reduced me to._

_"He's still holed up in the back, mumbling something about bad habits running in the family. Did you know we where related Iz?" Simon laughs. I chew a little on my lip as I think about the first time we met. I hear Simon before I realize that I should probably listen._

_"What was that?" I ask._

_"Ok Iz, spill. What's going on with you?" he demands. I wince. This is no-nonsense Simon. No use trying to deter him._

_"I'm just trying to find a fourth act for the benefit, and I'm freaking out because I don't even know how to be a fucking girlfriend and I really want to be a good girlfriend, and Edward spends more time with you than with me and I don't like being jealous of you," I ramble. It takes Simon almost three city buses stopping in front of me to stop laughing._

_"Oh sweetie. Wow. I'm just not used to you being such a….girl. Um, let's see what we can do about this," he sighs._

_"First, let me see if I can call some people I know about playing for the benefit. As far as being a good girlfriend, I don't really have experience there, but you have a pretty low key guy here Iz, I'm sure you just showing up makes this idiot happy."_

_I nod along with his words, needing to hear someone say those things out loud_**_,_**_ even if I already knew they were true. I have no reason to doubt our relationship. Edward has a shit ton of reasons to be wary of me, but I don't have that excuse._

_"As for being jealous of me, sweetie, that's just the lay of the land. Get used to it," he teases. I let myself laugh. The sad thing is that I'll probably always have to battle these demons. I wish I could be instantly cured, magically become completely secure in love_**_._**_ But I can't._

_"We can't all be as secure in our role in the universe as you are Simon," I sigh. The sun dips lower in the sky and I abandon my bench for home._

_"You want to talk to him? I'm sure he'd take a break," Simon offers. It's tempting, but I know how it is when he gets in his groove._

_"Just don't let him bring anything home. Please?" I'm not above begging. I will have a night alone with him. Without spread sheets and receipts between us._

_"Absolutely doll, I'll do what I can," Simon assures me. I snap the phone shut and change course. The words are still hard for me, sticking to the roof of my mouth at the best of times, but I can show him. And show him I will._

***

Sometimes you don't know how much you miss something until it comes back. Sadly, that's how I feel about the numbers. Not that I wasn't happy bumming around, being at Bella's beck and call**.** But there is something about really being able to lose myself in my work that just recharges me.

It's still early. I just barely got my business license**,** and Simon was nice enough to pretend that he needed my services. I calledViolet and she was all too happy to give her two weeks**' **notice**. **She now uses her lunch breaks to hassle me about advertising and try to convince me to 'borrow' clients from the firm. But it feels right, like I can actually do this, like I might actually succeed. And it's an odd feeling.

Aside from Bella, I haven't wanted anything for myself since the accident. Life just happened around me and I did what I had to, to survive. But she jump started something inside of me I'm not sure I knew still existed**,** and now I'm starting to _want_ things. Want a future that looks**,** and feels**,** and _sounds_ a certain way.

The business is the first step. I know Bella wouldn't care if I worked at a gas station**,** as long as I was happy**.** And that alone makes me want this more, for myself. Because I want to know that I can build something that could provide. That could put walls and warmth around the things I love.

And then I'm going to work on the way I want my future to sound. Hanging in a record store for a few weeks definitely isn't hurting the itch I'm starting to feel. Simon always has something spic on in the background. A rare b-side**,** or a fantastic acoustic set**,** and its making me remember all the things I loved about music.

The song changes and the simple chords stop my number crunching. I listen to the words and the guitar**,** and the itch turns into a burn. I eye the guitar leaning against the wall of the office and glance towards the door. It wouldn't hurt, couldn't hurt.

It takes longer than it should for me to reach the guitar. I stare at it for a while, anxious about the demons it could bring to the surface, but wanting to be wrong so fucking bad.

The song fades and I panic. I need the trigger to continue. I take several quick steps to the door.

"Simon! Play that one again would you?" I call. He doesn't reply, but the song starts over again. I don't allow for the stuttering steps on my way back. I pick up the guitar and slump down against the wall, cradling it in my hands. This part isn't hard. This is something I've done countless times in recent years. The hard part is getting past this.

I swallow and lick my dry lips as I adjust my hands. They slide into place without hesitation**.** Maybe the hesitation is all just in my mind**.** My fingers brush across the strings, too soft to make any noise. My eyes slide closed and I really listen to the song this time, testing my ear.

And then my fingers do the work for me. They press into the strings and begin to pick their way through the song. My chest feels tight, but I don't let it slow me down. It feels _so_ damn good. Like a part of me is finally waking up. As the song winds down again, I'm matching the chords perfectly. The notes fade out and I realize I'm breathing heavily.

"She said you could play. I didn't believe her." I crane my neck to see Simon in the doorway. I swallow thickly and look back down at the guitar. The nerves fight at my mind, wanting to take over, Simon's presence being the perfect reason.

"I don't usually. I mean, I can, but I haven't…" I'm not sure how to explain this to him. The man who Bella considers a surrogate father. It doesn't seem like it would help my cause at all. He waves away my words and passes me a record. The cover looks old, but the name and date tell a different story.

"What's this?" I ask.

"It's the album I was playing. Take it, test it out. It obviously spoke to you," Simon replies. I hold it in my hands and wonder if it will have the same power at home. And I wonder if I am ready to share the itch with Bella. The tension in my chest returns**,** and I know I'm not ready. I want to be, and I refuse to believe it's far off, but not yet.

"Thank you," I state not able to say anything else. If I wasn't already convinced he was a king of men because of Bella, he would have had me convinced in about two minutes flat.

"Now get your ass out of my shop. As much as I appreciate your attention to detail**,** you need a night off," he insists. I roll my eyes and stand slowly. I slowly ease the guitar back against the wall and make my way back to the desk.

"Just give me an hour to wrap up," I concede. Simon clicks his tongue and raises an eyebrow.

"You say an hour and then you're here two. I will not have Iz all over my ass cause I'mhogging you. Go home. It will all be here waiting for you tomorrow," he orders.

"Go take care of our girl," he adds**.**

When he says it like that, I do miss her. Not that I don't see her every morning and most nights, but I know I've been far away. Lost in the process of finally being able to get my head out of my ass and do something with myself.

A tiny hue of guilt crosses over me. I should be more attentive**.** Shit**,** I've been neglecting her. The person responsible for my awakening**,** and I'm selfishly reveling in my discovery. God damn.

I shove a few things into my briefcase and all but race out the door. I think I managed to offer Simon some sort of goodbye before I left, but I don't really give a shit. He'll understand. There are things, people that are more important.

My shiny shoe taps against the floor of the subway as I wait for my stop. At some point**,** I've stopped bothering with my apartment all together. It was never really mine to begin with. Hannah picked it, Hannah decorated it, and Hannah lived there. I existed there, nothing more.

The possibilities of a future with Bella fill my head and I can't help the goofy smile on my face. An older woman across from me glares at me like I'm a pervert, but I can't help it. Just the chance of getting to have Bella around for a really long time makes life seem a whole hell of a lot more exciting.

The rest of the trip is filler, just something I have to get through to get to her. I take the stairs to her place two at a time because I am _tha__**t**_ anxious to just be near her. To make sure she knows that she's still the spark behind everything.

I rush into the apartment out of breath and probably a little sweaty. It's mostly quiet, Emmett's familiar form missing from the couch. There's faint music coming from the kitchen**,** so I drop my stuff and wind my way back. She must not have heard my grand entrance**,** because she's dancing**.** _Dancing_, around the kitchen. The music is soft and sensual and I almost want to just watch. She moves between the counter and the stove, dropping ingredients into a large pan and bringing a large wooden spoon to her lips occasionally to taste.

The sight of that spoon brings back memories, good warm memories that make my pants feel just a little tighter. I knew she could cook. She'd given me little lessons and I'd heard rumors, but never in person. I watch a little longer, appreciating the loose, torn jeans and thread bare white v-neck she's wearing.

I make my way towards her, pulling a stool out from underneath the bar, careful to make a lot of noise in the process. She stops mid twirl and meets my eyes. I smile**,** and the simple sight of her smiling back causes me to need to adjust my pants. God, is this how its going to be tonight?

"You're home," she states, the smile still in place. My grin widens with the word 'home'. Something else we need to talk about. I want my home to be with her, I'm scared shitless that even the suggestion might cause her to run, but that doesn't mean I don't want it.

"I'm home," I confirm. She does a less than graceful leap and hoists herself up across the counter offering her lips to me. I don't hesitate to meet her half way. Its brief and I come away tasting the spices from what she's cooking. I lick my lips liking the spices mixed with her own taste.

She slides back across the counter and resumes her dancing, completely unembarrassed by my ogling. And this just reminds me of why I can't get enough of her. She'd let me ogle her any time, and I love that. That she doesn't give a shit that she really can't dance**,** or that every once in a while she loses her footing and almost falls. She just laughs at herself and smirks back at me.

"You're cooking," I observe. She smiles and rolls her eyes.

"Wow, really? Is that what I'm doing?" she asks. I smile and she snaps a dish towel in my direction. I even love**r** her sarcasm. She lowers her head as she chops some garlic, her tongue peeking out of the corner of her mouth as she concentrates.

"What are you making me?" I press. She glances up from her chopping.

"You think I'm cooking for you? Isn't that a bit optimistic?" she teases. I push off the stool and walk around the counter. I lean into her, surrounding her with my arms, trapping her.

"I know you wouldn't deny me, if I asked. And I know that despite your better judgment**,** you kinda love me**.** So, yeah. I'm pretty fucking optimistic," I breathe into her hair. She shivers and I press into her more fully. It may be a little chauvinistic to be turned on by my girl cooking for me, but I can't help it.

"It's just pasta," she downplays. Just pasta? I know that can't be true. I move closer to the food**, **so I can smell it**,** and it doesn't smell like 'just pasta'.

"You're talking to the man who thinks tuna is a culinary masterpiece, there is nothing just about pasta," I correct her. She chuckles and the shaking of her body against mine makes my eyes roll back into my head just a little. Her lips meet mine, forcing my eyes back into focus.

"It's almost done and then….we'll see to that," she breathes, grinding herself into me. I hiss at the contact and then groan when she ducks out of my hold. As good as the food smells, the after show sounds better. I lean back against the sink and just watch. This moment should be part of one of those hallmark moments. I feel mushy and cheesy and would never admit that to another man.

All this feeling and optimism is just bursting from me. This is what I want, what I look forward to, what's pushing me to do more. Bella nudges her hip into mine to move me from the sink as she dumps the pasta into the strainer. Steam billows up and fogs up my glasses. I take them offand wipe them on Bella's shirt. She slaps at my hands.

She turn**s** back to the stove and begins to mix everything together. The result is a huge bowl of pasta, full of green, red**,** and white. My mouth waters a little.

"You ready to eat?" she asks. I nod enthusiastically. She grabs a fork from the drawer and hops up on the counter. I feel my forehead crease in confusion. My eyes dart over to the bare kitchen table and back to her. She shakes her head and beckons me to her. I don't need to be told twice.

As I approach**,** she opens her legs and pulls me between them. She pecks my lips before reaching around me to spear some of the pasta on her fork. Her lips pucker as she blows on the still steaming food, cupping one hand underneath as she guides the fork into my open mouth.

I moan as I chew**.** I can't even help it. It's fresh and perfect. She grins and takes a bite for herself. I open my mouth and lean in hoping for more. Another forkful is placed in my mouth and I take my time, letting the fresh mozzarella melt in my mouth.

"There's something about sharing a bowl of pasta. It just seems more authentic," she informs me. She takes another bite and chews slowly, picking through the bowl to stab a shrimp for my next bite.

"You think Italians all share bowls?" I ask. She nods absent-mindedly. Of course she would think about that. Everything has layers with her, always more than meets the eye. She continues to feed us both until I can't take another bite. Then she leans forward, her forehead pressing against mine and just rests her lips against mine.

I know that I've just consumed enough garlic to probably warrant brushing my teeth, but I could care less. I open my mouth over hers, licking her lips**,** and sucking on the soft flesh of her jaw. Her legs wrap around my back and she opens her mouth to me.

The kiss is slow and wet. I explore every inch of her mouth before inviting her tongue to do the same. I want to know every part of her. She pulls away slowly, panting and smiling. I give her a second to recover before trying to dive back in, but she pulls her head away. I pout until her lips meet my neck.

She has amazing lips, soft and urgent at the same time. My hands wander toher back**,** eventually making their way under her shirt. I groan when I find nothing between my hands and her tits. How did I not notice before?

Her lips slow as I take my time pressing my palms against her breasts, feeling them respond to my touch. She whimpers a little before pushing me back, unwinding her legs from around me. I watch as she slides off the counter and presses against my chest again, pushing me against the cupboards behind me.

Her lips find my neck again as her hands work up and under my shirt. She pulls away briefly to pull the shirt up and over my head**,** and then attacks my torso. Somewhere**,** my rational mind is telling me to participate,to do something more than let her have her way, but I'm enjoying this way too much to move.

Slowly**,** she makes her way down my body**,** and my dick gets the message before my brain**,** because it strains against my pants. She licks along the waist of my trousers before popping open the button and sliding down the zipper slowly. I almost manage to tell her that she doesn't have to, but instead**,** all I do is whimper.

Her eyes raise to meet mine**,** and she locks gazes with me as she pushes my pants and boxers down below my knees. I worry that my excitement is going to slap her in the face, but it misses. She keeps her eyes on mine as she takes the tip into her mouth, sucking it like a lollipop. I gasp and grip the counter behind me to stay standing.

"Holy shit," I murmur.

This is something we've skipped before, not because I wanted to, because what guy doesn't want to, but its just never happened. Her mouth takes me in deeper**,** and I almost fucking fall on my face. Her lips and tongue travel up and down**,** and I resist the urge to fist her hair and really go at it.

She keeps the pace slow and the pleasure and tension build slowly. And then I can't take it any longer. As much as this is a fantasy of mine, I want her. I reach down and tug on her hand. She looks confused as I pull her up to her feet. I kiss her first, tasting myself on her.

"You don't want me to finish?" she asks.

"Not without you," I answer.

I lift her back onto the counter and pluck at the buttons on her jeans before sliding them down slowly. I hope to god she's ready**,** because I don't have much more foreplay in me. I take a nipple into my mouth through her shirt as I ease her jeans and panties off. Her head rolls back and I smile against her.

I swipe a finger through her folds testing her before, easing myself in.

"So glad you stopped me," she breathes**,** and I smile as I begin to work in and out of her. I chuckle and occupy her lips with mine. The pressure is already there, but I pace myself for her. I pull way from her lips wanting to see her eyes.

"I love you Bella," I state through gritted teeth. She chews on her lip and nods.

"I love you too," she sighs. The climax rolls over us both**,** and I hold her against me as she comes down. Her lips graze my shoulder over and over**,** and I just hold her there. Maybe not the moment Hallmark would have wanted, but I wouldn't change a thing.

***

**A/N Happy about quicker reviews? Want to know what I was thinking? Or even just tell me what you were thinking.....**

**You want more?**


	29. Chapter 29

**A/N- Again I'm blown away by the reviews! Thank you all so much for taking the time to show some love. This a/n is going to be long and I apologize ahead of time. First off, this is the last regular chapter of unraveled know. Sad I know, but there will be an epilogue and some outtakes coming. Second, again must thank sah0004 who gave me just enough of a push and added motivation to keep this going. Her encouragement and editing made this all possible. Third, for good measure must once again say that S. Meyers owns these fantastic character, I simply borrowed and molded them to my liking.**

**Enjoy!**

*******

I roll the pencil between my fingers, grinning as the wood grazes over my newly forming calluses. It's been so long that I had almost forgotten how hard the strings of a guitar can be on your fingers. My attention refocuses, and I scribble on the spreadsheet I'm looking over. My work here is almost finished. I've gone over the numbers more times than needed, not ready to leave the sanctuary of this backroom.

Here, in this concrete space, I've found music again. Not that I'd ever completely lost it, but I've found it in my hands again, in my voice. Every couple of hours, Simon slips on the now familiar record, and I'm pulled like a moth to a flame. There's no resisting. I give into the urge, completely happy to feel another part of myself filling in.

The only problem with this newfound healing, this rediscovery, is that I haven't told Bella. Not that I've lied. She doesn't casually ask if I'm spending my time at Simon's jamming out in the backroom, but I can see the curiosity in her eyes. The playing has seeped into every aspect of my life. Music is finding my everywhere, following me everywhere.

She caught me humming in the shower, and watched for a while before leaning her ear against my chest. I know she can sense it, feel it, but I'm scared as shit of telling her. And it doesn't make any sense. It's not like she's against this. If anything, I'm worried we might not resurface from the apartment after she finds out.

But, it's more than that. I'm not sure if I'm ready to reveal this part of my healing yet. I've built it up too much in my head, attaching it to words like 'closure' and 'amends'.

I want to tell her. I do. The last thing I want is to ever keep anything like this from her, but I don't know how to say it, how to show her.

I rest my head on the desk and groan. This shouldn't be eating me up like it is. I should just spit it out. Go home tonight, and tell her that in addition to cleaning up Simon's finances, I've been rediscovering my guitar. But when I say it, even in my mind, it sounds lame.

The music changes and I let the cue guide me back to the guitar. I don't have to think about the chords anymore, the notes now as familiar as the Beatles songs I learned to play with. I play and let my thoughts sink into the background. After a while, I sing along softly, liking the way the soft rumble in my chest feels. And that combined with the sting of the strings on the tips of my fingers, is just fantastic.

The record ends, but my fingers continue. Plucking out notes and chords not claimed by an artist. Pulling a melody from the worries in my mind. I keep going til it rounds out naturally.

"You sure as hell better find something to write that down on," Simon chides. His audience no longer surprises me. I almost welcome it, like my playing isn't a secret because he knows. It ebbs off the guilty slightly.

"Its nothing. Just working through something," I argue. He rolls his eyes and shoves paper towards me. I stare at the empty staffs and feel my hesitancy once again. I hold the pencil above the page and just hover.

I've written music since I wrote for our band. Feelings of betrayal and anguish rise up in me. Can I do this? Should I do this?

"It looks like you're almost done in here," Simon comments. I look up to see his eyes fixed on the desk. Apart from the last spreadsheet, everything is filed and tucked away. There's no doubt in my mind that I'll have to make a coupe of trips here a year to combat Simon's natural resistance to all things organization. But for the most part, he's right.

"No thanks to your shitty filing system," I chuckle. Almost as bad as Bella. Only his receipts were housed in an empty milk crate instead of a lunchbox. Just the memory of the lunchbox makes my heart squeeze.

"You managed well enough," he dismisses. One thing I've learned from this is how much he and Bella are alike. It would be easy to confuse them for father and daughter.

I glance at my watch and scramble to my feet. Today is the official opening of my office. If you can call a small studio space way on the upper west side an office. Violet is currently making it suitable for her needs, and I promised to bring lunch like old times to celebrate.

"I've outlined the new system for you and created folders for the next few months," I rattle off. I set the guitar aside and begin to gather my things. I'm almost ready when a hand takes my shoulder. I look at Simon who has the discarded papers in his hand.

"You know I'm not going to try to figure that out. I'll just call you when it gets out of control, or the IRS comes knocking," he states. He presses the papers into my chest.

"I've liked having you around Edward. It's been a long time since Izzy has been this excited about anything," he says. I wait, knowing he has more to say. He waits for me to tuck the papers into my briefcase before taking a deep breath.

"This whole hidden musician thing has been a surprise, and I've kept my mouth shut about it, but I think its time to come clean," he sighs. I nod my head and grit my teeth. Of course he's going to tell her. He should tell her. I should tell her.

"So I'm going to ask you to do me a favor," he says, and I'm confused. He shoves another piece of paper into my hand and I want to argue, but I can't. He doesn't need to say anything else.

***

_Something's wrong. I stir the cereal in my bowl and sneak a look at Edward next to me. His eyes are on the far wall, his fingers strumming along the countertop. I'm trying to act unaffected. Act like I don't care that he's here, but not really here, and I'm failing. _

_Once again, my lack of experience in relationships is coming back to bite me in the butt. Is this normal? Was everything before this some kind of honeymoon period? And now that we're settled, and full of fewer holes, is this the new reality? That would seriously suck._

_I'm hoping its something else, which feels wrong. I would rather there be a problem than this dull, lackluster Edward be real. Those words don't fit with the Edward who pulled me from my depths. He could never be dull, but removed, detached. I need a thesaurus. _

_The change has been gradual. The past few weeks have been insane. A never-ending rush of preparing for my benefit, and Edward trying to get his business up and running. It makes sense that we haven't had as much time for us to just be. _

_At first, it was a shortage of his smiles. He still smiled, even laughed once in a blue moon, but it was more rare. And then there was the daydreaming. His eyes caught this far away look, and then he would hum, or strum. I'm tempted to snap my fingers in front of his face and bring him back to reality, back to me. But, I won't._

_Part of me is worried this is all backlash from me pushing him too hard. Pushing him to go to his parents, to face Jasper's parents. That shouldn't have been rushed. Maybe he wasn't ready._

"_Alice and Skye are meeting me at the park," I break our silence. He looks over at me, his eyes still hazy. His lips settle into an easy smile, and it buoys me for a moment. But the fog is still there, keeping the smile from his eyes. _

"_You wanna come? They would love it, and we could show Skye the Penguins," I try to persuade. Maybe that would bring him out of it, going somewhere from our beginning. Remembering the rush, the butterflies, and the orchids. His eyes drop back to the counter._

"_I wish I could. We're starting two new accounts on Monday, and I have to go in to make sure we're ready," he sighs. And all my hope drops to the floor. Luckily, it seems to be resilient, bouncing rather than breaking. _

"_Well if you finish early, call Romeo," I tell him. He nods and I ease away. I'm trying not to feel hurt. There's still a feeling of deficit between us. I'm still trying to make up for my big run. So I'm going to give him space and time, and hope like hell that he'll snap out of this, that he'll come back to me. _

_I make my way to the door, choosing one of his hoodies rather than a jacket. Just as I'm turning the knob, a hand snakes around my waist. He pulls me back into him, his lips grazing my ear. I revel in the sensation, of having him so close._

"_Were you going to leave without saying goodbye?" he whispers. His breath tickles my ear. I turn my face to look at him and return the small smile he's giving me. Maybe there will be more smiles. Maybe I was just over thinking. _

"_I didn't want to bug you," I answer. He rolls his eyes and presses his lips fully to mine. I suck his bottom lip into my mouth and just hold it between my lips. He pulls away slowly. I reach behind his head and bring his forehead to mine._

"_We're ok, right?" I ask. His whole face creases with confusion._

"_Of course we're ok. Why wouldn't we be?" he answers. I nod against him and pull away slowly._

"_And you know I would give up Saturday morning cartoons for you, right?" I add. He shakes his head and chuckles lowly. He kisses the side of my head firmly._

"_Yeah, I know," he sighs. I wait for more, for him to offer something in return, but he doesn't. I slip out the door and rush towards the park, anxious for a distraction. _

_The sun dances through holes in the tree cover and I slip on my sunglasses. We're finally coming out of winter and seeing the sun is like an old friend showing up unexpectedly. I let it burn some of my worry away._

"_Bella!" The tiny voice resonates, and I don't hesitate to run towards her. She hits my legs and almost sends me to the ground, but I steady myself at the last moment. I wrap an arm around her and smile up at Alice._

"_I'm sorry I'm late," I say. Alice waves her hand in the air dismissing my words. _

"_Bella! Momma said you were coming, but we waited and waited forever. Plus there is a lady over there who lets birds sit on her head," Skye rambles. This is what I needed. It takes all of my concentration to keep up with her words. She has my hand in hers instantly, dragging me towards a woman asleep on a bench._

"_We'd better leave that lady alone. Maybe she's trying to catch a bird," I suggest. Skye slows with my words. _

"_She's a little amped up. I may have let her have ice cream while we waited," Alice explains. I nod and let the small girl drag me down a side path. _

"_This is like a magic forest. Is this a forest Bella?" Skye calls out to me. I laugh and tug a little on her hand. She turns to face me, obviously not understanding why I would stop her exploration._

"_It is a magic forest. You know how I know?" I ask her. Her eyes grow wide and her mouth drops open a little as she shakes her head. I lean closer._

"_There's a castle," I whisper. She gasps and looks up at Alice who is smirking down at us. She begins to shake with excitement, bouncing from foot to foot._

"_Can we go? Can we go?" she pleads. I stand and sigh. _

"_I don't know. I'm not supposed to show anyone," I admit. Her face drops for a moment, she chews on her lips before starting up with the bouncing again._

"_I won't tell any one. I'm good at holding secrets," she replies. I chew my lip and pretend to think. I wish I could have been a child in the city. The amazing backdrop it would have been. And for a moment, I think about the crib. White, old, and just as quickly, I push the thought away._

"_Pinky promise?" I ask her, extending my smallest finger. She instantly links her much smaller finger with mine and looks at me solemnly. _

"_Pinky promise," she states. Then her tiny hand intertwines with mine and I feel a rush of something. A little tug at my heart, and another flash of the crib. _

_Skye is almost silent as I guide her through the park. I think she might be looking for unicorns and dragons. We wind through the trails and I glance over at Alice. There's small smile on her face and for a moment, I wonder what it must have been like for her._

_To lose that person, the person you decide to share your life with. And I feel silly for letting a few weeks of lull pull me down. At least I have him, even if his mind is far away._

"_Thanks for playing tour guide today," Alice says. I shake my head and click my tongue._

"_Please. I get to show off the park and hang with you guys? Thank you," I answer. She links her arm through mine and I feel surrounded. Surrounded by these people who Edward has brought into my life. How I could have ever thought I didn't know what love was, is beyond me. It's everywhere, in everything._

_We hit a clearing and Belvedere Castle appears. Skye squeals and pulls us faster towards the castle. She's rambling on about princesses and horses, and all I do is laugh. The steps appear in front of us, and Skye just gapes up at the building._

"_Does a princess live here?" she breathes. I smile and nod._

"_But she lets other princesses borrow it once in a while," I tell her. Her eyes grow impossibly wider. _

_The castle is explored slowly, every room given Skye's full attention. Alice and I follow behind, letting her get lost in her imagination._

"_I wanted to thank you," Alice speaks up. I roll my eyes. This woman really needs to give it a rest. _

"_Alice, you don't need to thank me. I needed to get out of the apartment, and I love spending time with you guys," I cut her off. She chuckles._

"_Not for that, but that's good to know. I meant for Edward," she says. Her eyes meet mine and I feel my body thrum at the mention of his name. She shouldn't be thanking me. I know enough to know that he went to her when I left. She of all people knows what I am capable of. _

"_Don't Alice," I plead softly. Talking about that could pull me apart right now. I'm so full of emotions. The fear of Edward slipping away, the glimpses of the crib, its too much. She shakes her head and takes me by the shoulders._

"_I tried for years to tell him it wasn't his fault. His parents begged him to listen, and he wouldn't. You finally got through his thick skull," she presses. I take a few quick breaths, holding off all emotion._

"_He's done just as much for me," I reply. She pulls me into her and I sink into her embrace. Tears sting at my eyes, but I keep them back. Skye rushes back into the room and I pull away from Alice. The last thing I need to do is bring my fears into this day. I don't want to stain it. _

"_Bella?" Skye looks worried. I smile. She walks up to me and tugs me down to her level. I bend to her tugs and she places her hands on either side of my face._

"_No being sad Bella. Princesses aren't sad," Skye instructs. I nod seriously. _

"_You have to be happy. Uncle Edward can be your Prince," she offers. And my breath catches in my throat. _

"_You sure kiddo? I thought he was your prince," Alice teases. Skye sighs and nods._

"_Bella needs him, and she's nicer than Cruella, and they're gonna find a crib," Skye lists off. Again the crib. And yet I laugh. I hug Skye and stand back up._

"_Thanks for letting me have Edward Skye. I promise to not feed him to a dragon," I say. Skye laughs and starts in on a boy in her class she wants to feed to a dragon. My fears fall to the background again, and I try to focus on the good. I'm not going to lose him. To a dragon, or otherwise. _

***

This was a bad idea. When Simon pressed the flier into my hand, I thought it was an answer, the perfect way to solve my problem. But, it's tearing me apart. To make this work, I've needed to sneak back to my apartment, hours spent in my spare room perfecting something that can't be bettered. Trying to work myself up to this task.

It's more than just keeping something from Bella, it's doing something I thought I'd never do again. A door I had all but sealed shut in my life. And now, I'm prying it open and waving people in. Maybe it was too much, too soon. She wouldn't care, wouldn't even have to know about this failure. I can say screw it all and simply use words instead of song.

"Don't even think about doing that," Violet scolds. I look up at her in shock. She raises an eyebrow and places both hands on her hips. I'm not scared to admit that I'm a little afraid of her. She's one of only three people who know what I'm doing.

"What am I thinking about doing?" I ask. She comes even closer. She taps the now full composition paper in front of me.

"You've worked too hard to not go through with this. Besides, this is the most romantic thing I've witnessed since my husband willingly did the dishes for me ten years ago," she scoffs. I chuckle a little and shove my glasses further up on my nose. That's the only thing keeping me from calling Simon and telling him I'm out. I want to do this for her.

I want to make a statement, show her how much she means to me. Show her that there isn't anything I won't do for her, won't face for her. I flip the pick between my lips and stare at the clock.

"Don't think too much about it. You can do this. And you'll blow her away. Just think of the thanks you'll get," she adds. I feel my face flush. That's what I need to do, focus on the after.

"I better get going," I sigh. Violet whirls into motion, gathering everything she thinks I need, even going as far as trying to straighten my hair. I duck away from her hands.

"Good luck boss," she calls as I leave. My nervous energy carries me to the subway. The music in the deep hallways brining me a strange sense of courage. I settle into a hard plastic seat and let my eyes slide closed.

I know it's been driving her nuts. Her anxiousness has put her verbal vomit into overdrive, and I've learned more about her in these last few weeks from uncontrolled outbursts than I had gotten out of her in months. Things like she hates belts. All belts.

My mouth turns up and this is feeling more possible. If she isn't too mad, if she can forgive me of my sneaking and distance, then this will be a new beginning. A clean slate.

"You going to play?" I look up at a teenager toeing my guitar case. I look down at the case and take a shuddering breath.

"Not on the subway," I answer. The kid nods.

"I used to play, but I sucked ass," he admits. I laugh and more tension is released. Maybe I should slip into mentor mode and tell him to keep at it, but I'm saving all internal encouragement for myself.

The stop comes quickly, the short walk speeding by, and then I'm there. I can hear the hum of hundreds of voices, just beyond the wall of curtains. I can feel the energy and I draw off of it. Someone knocks into me from behind, and I'm almost revealed prematurely.

I clutch at my guitar and think of Jasper. I think of our pre-gig rituals and I roll my neck and hold my hand out to an invisible friend. A few deep breaths later and I take that last step.

***

_I'm seriously considering a change of profession. I shake another hand, brandish another smile and feel tired. There's nothing better than this job when we're in the schools, but this part always gets to me. This event is bigger than any we've ever done. It should be a source of excitement that so many people want to be involved that we had to forgo our usual venues. This place even has a real stage. _

"_There's a Mr. Shaw that I think you should talk to. He wants to donate, but has a specific school in mind," Angela hisses lowly. Her eyes dart over toward the man in question, but mine are still glued on the door. _

_I asked him no less than ten times to come. And every time, the answer was vague. Never a yes, never a no. Maybe I should just be glad that he didn't beg off on account of a dentist appointment. Things haven't gotten worse, but they aren't any better. Still distant, still distracted. _

_The second band takes the stage, and I take their first song as a cue to move. I approach Mr. Shaw with the requisite smile and put on my game face. He's stern, but very interested in restoring the music program at his old elementary school. People like Mr. Shaw restore my faith in humanity. Maybe I can do this job for just a little bit longer. _

_As the third band settles into their set, I hit the bar. Most people interested in doing business have been wined and serenaded. Now it's about having a good time. There's a certain rule about no business happening after ten pm. I sip at my cranberry vodka and lean against the bar. _

_Like a wounded puppy, I feel the need to lick my wounds. He didn't come. It's like history repeating itself. I shake the thoughts from my mind and begin to make excuses for him, but they come out mushy at best and tasting a little like castor oil. My drink drains quickly, and I reach for another. _

"I think it went well," Angela announces, as she takes up space next to me. I nod and keep my drink at my lips. She tugs it from my hand and takes a sip before ordering two more. She leans up against me and follows my futile gaze towards the door.

"_I thought you were past all those insecurities Izzy," she sighs. I shrug. Will I ever really be done with my insecurities? Not likely. The bartender drops off the drink and I reach for my third. _

"_I'm going to head home," I announce, setting the empty drink on the bar. I just want him. Even if he didn't come, even if he's been acting like he's been inhabited by a foreign life form, I still want him. My mouth curves at the thought. That has to mean good things. _

"_No!" Angela spouts. She takes a hold of my arm and I eye her. I twist out of her grip, determined to spend the rest of the night curled up against Edward. I pull away from the bar and stumble a little. A giggle falls from my lips, and I feel that familiar haziness. _

_Angela pulls my back to the bar and pushes another drink into my hands. I hold it, but don't drink. The band exits the stage and my mind wanders. I think about the last time I took up vodka and the strange man I called Santa Claus. I glance over at the bartender, disappointed that he doesn't resemble any mythical characters. _

"_Did we make enough money to make the kids sing?" I ask Angela. She snorts while I tilt my head to one side and grin at her. We haven't had tequila Tuesday in the longest time. Why don't any days begin with V?_

"_Yes Izzy, we raised enough money and then some," she assures me. Then she slides my drink out of my hand. I frown. Not that I was drinking it, but still. _

"_He didn't come," I state. I keep my eyes out on the crowd, all the heads looking strangely like the tops of eggs. _

"_You never know," she replies. I turn to her and scowl._

"_Pretty sure I would notice if he were here Ang," I say, motioning over the crowd. There is no tell tale unruly hair. I think about hitting the floor and searching for his shiny shoes, but decide against it. I haven't had enough vodka for that. And then there's commotion around the stage again. I focus in on the lone figure and just watch._

_The stage lights are lower than normal, outlining rather than revealing. He slumps over his guitar, perched on a single stool. The microphone squeals as he clumsily adjusts it. He raises his head and I almost hit the floor. The light flickers in his hair, revealing the hidden gold and red there. _

"_I'm not sure what I'm supposed to say right about now. This is a song for a girl. When isn't it for a girl?" he chuckles and the crowd does as well. But I can't see anything but him._

"_Here goes nothing," he breathes, and then his fingers start moving. The rhythm is simple, but it resonates through me, echoing through my entire body. And when I think nothing could possibly be as good as seeing my pencil neck playing his guitar, he opens his mouth._

**Sometimes I wish I was somebody else**

**Sometimes I wish that I had more to give**

**Sometimes I wish that I was better than this**

**Honey let me sing to you**

**Oh, let me sing**

**Oh, let me sing**

**Honey let me sing to you**

_I'm moving without thought, every word he sings comes out breathy, and it's calling to me. His head stays down, his fingers picking and plucking at the keys. And I feel like for the first time, I'm really seeing him. Seeing the person he is, finally merging with the person he was. _

**Wish I could buy you the finest of things**

**Wish I could give you diamonds and rings, yes**

**I'm not a rich man, and all I can bring**

**Is a song I can sing to you**

**Oh, let me sing**

**Oh, let me sing**

**Honey let me sing to you**

_I stop against the wall just to the left of the stage. I suck in breaths, trying to feel closer to him in any way I can, breathing him in if I can. The vodka is a mere memory, and all I see, feel, even taste, is him. My body hums with satisfaction and I feel like I could explode with everything I'm feeling._

**Yes I've been burned too many times**

**I've been accused of crossin' the line**

**The best I can do is explain in rhymes**

**Honey let me sing to you**

**Oh, let me sing**

**Oh, let me sing**

**Honey let me sing to you**

_Every word that falls from his lips is like a gift to me. I can feel everything he's giving me and I know I'm going to fall short. Anything I thought I overcame, thought I defeated, feels small in this moment. Because this is his biggest fissure. The thing that he pushed away so solidly in an effort to cope. And him being in that stage means things I can't even begin to comprehend, but I can feel them._

**Been around the world as much as I can**

**If you buy me a ticket I would do it again**

**Yes it may be true that I wear myself thin**

**But I can still sing to you**

**Oh, let me sing**

**Oh, let me sing**

**Honey let me sing to you**

_My back meets the wall and I wrap my arms around myself. Surprisingly, there are no tears involved in this. All I can think about is what this means for him, how much this could heal him. And I'm so fucking happy I can barely hold it all in. I don't care that he's been a virtual zombie for weeks, don't care that he didn't show up til he graced the stage. Nothing else matters in this moment. _

**I can't tell you the end with no lies**

**Don't even know about the end of tonight**

**If we make it through 'til the morning light**

**Honey let me sing to you**

**Oh, let me sing**

**Oh, let me sing**

**Honey let me sing to you**

_His last words echo across the hall, and then the applause. His fingers slow and he peeks up at the crowd. I watch as his eyes scan, looking. I want to run up on the stage and have an office and a gentlemen moment, but I stay where I am. He smiles softly and slides off his stool, his fingers reaching up to push his glasses back into place on his nose. As he turns to leave the stage, he sees me. Our eyes lock, and I feel like I'm being held in place by his gaze. And then he smiles._

_His smile stretches so far across his face, it almost hurts me. He takes the stairs quickly, his guitar twisted and hanging form his back. I open my arms and he presses into me. My face goes into the crook of his neck and I swear I smell the future. _

_I smell his sweet scent and think of future nights like this, where I'll wait for him at the side of the stage. I smell the faint tang of his cologne and I think of standing side by side in the bathroom, getting ready in the morning. _

"_I can't believe I did it," he breathes into me. I only smile against his neck and twine my arms around him, resting my hands between his guitar and his back. I should tell him how proud I am of him, gush about the amazing words he just sang, but I just squeeze. _

_And there's nothing in between us. No more secrets, not more gaping holes, just us. This time, when I close my eyes and see the crib, I don't push it away._

_***_

**Epilogue will be up shortly! Also the fantastic JenNn was my 600th review so I am writing an outtake for her. For ever 100 reviews I'm going to let that reviewer request an outtake of their choice (tempting??). Add me to author alerts to keep updated. **

**ALSO- I will be posting a new story very soon, if your interested.....you know what to do.**

**One last thank you to everyone who has sent me kind words, or really any words for that matter. I have loved sharing this with you. I hope you enjoyed the journey. Leave a couple more words for me?**

**Song credit- Let me sing to you- Joe Purdy**


	30. Epilogue

**A/N So this is it. I'm not sure how I feel about this being over, but I know that I adore all of you! Thank you so much for your reviews which continue to be prized possessions. Can't thank you all enough!**

**Sah once again saved you (and I) from my horrible grammar :) She is fantastic.**

***

"_He actually told me to call him if I get an itch he can scratch," Angela huffs. I chuckle and shake my head. She really does have the worst luck with men. We used to argue about that, putting our horror stories up against each other, letting them battle to the death. But since Edward, Angela has declared me exempt. It's one battle I'll happily take a loss in. _

"_Maybe you should stop picking up guys on Tequila Tuesday Ang," I suggest. She glares at me and purses her lips, and I feel like I may have just shrunken two inches. That woman has the power of facial contortion down to a science. _

"_So I should start hitting on the subcontractors for Rebel Diamond?" she quips. I roll my eyes and shove my shoulder against hers, the motion sending her flying into a passing stranger. She apologizes profusely before smacking me upside the head with her clutch. All I can do is laugh._

"_God, if I didn't like you so much, I would really hate you in all your settled with a secret musician glow," she grumbles. I shake my head again. I can't argue. I know I'm being_ _obnoxious and am enjoying every moment. _

_I never thought I would be that person. That annoying, I'm so in love girl, who thinks that fairy tales might be true, and__that leprechauns might__actually hang out at the end of a rainbow.__I'm savoring every moment._

_Not that there aren't moments when I want to shove Edward off my fire escape. That actually happens often. Times when he eats all the cream out of the Oreos and puts back the hard cookies, or when he falls asleep watching TV and I have to drag my ass out of bed to drag him back with me in the middle of the night. And yet, it's still better than I ever thought it could be._

_He's my elixir. The power he has to just calm me down still blows my mind. At moments when I am sure I'm going to teeter off the edge, he manages to__pull me back. As much as my instincts try to pull away and retreat, he tames them._

"_If you don't wipe that silly smile off your face, I am going to drop you off in Alphabet City," Angela threatens. I duck my head and suck my cheeks in trying to get rid of my perma-grin. I just feel so damn good, and grown up, and not broken. _

"_You could always date Emmett," I offer, knowing full well this will piss her off. Maybe a little anger will help her find her sense of humor. Those two need to stop dancing around their mutual attraction, and just got for it. My words stop her in her tracks. I'm halfway down the block before I realize she's not next to me anymore._

_My toe gets caught in a crack as I try to turn towards her. I guffaw and throw my arm out to balance myself. Then Angela stalks towards me and takes me by the elbow. She drags me down the street, mumbling under her breath, as I try to keep up._

"_Good Lord Ang. Let somebody help you out. This kind of tension can't be healthy," I stammer. She stops again and looks like she's going to yell, but then she just laughs. She bends over at the waist, her hands on her knees, and lets it go. The crowd moves around us, like rerouted water. _

_I pat her back a few times, and wait for her to calm down. There's a little guilt involved in this moment. Ang has been working her ass off. We've been in higher demand, and for some reason, she thinks she needs to pick up the slack. In reality, we need to hire more people or scale back. _

"_God, I needed that," she breathes as she straightens herself. I grin at her and we keep walking. More people. People Angela can boss around. She'll like that._

_We step into the consignment store, and I'm instantly excited. These kinds of places enchant me. The idea what everything here has had a pervious life, stories behind them, and now have the chance of a new story. My fingers tingle with the need to reach out and touch everything around me_**.**_I keep them in check as my eyes soak in the variety. These shopping trips are always so much more pleasant than dealing with new retailers. Why not give old instruments a new life?_

_Angela immediately heads to the back to talk to the owner, while I pick my way through the shop. I pause at a large black coffee table, and try to picture it in our apartment. And there's the cheesy grin again. I need to tone that down, I'm a little__sick of myself at this point._

_But I can't help the sense of pride I feel at the thought of sharing a place with Edward. A blanket of calm settles over me, rather than panic. Not that the panic was completely absent from the process. _

_The thought had crossed my mind several times. Edward never stayed at his place, so it seemed natural for us to make that step. But then there was Emmett. There was no way I was going to toss my best friend to the street, and I also wasn't going to make him suffer through living with a couple. So I stalemated. _

_I avoided the hints Edward dropped, my flight urge sated by my hesitation. And then it was out of my hands. _

_I came home one night to find Edward on the couch and the whole placing feeling a little foreign. Gone were the tacky bear cap murals and shrine to all things guitar hero. I froze as my eyes took in the once familiar room. _

_Edward eased towards me, like he was approaching a skittish wild animal, which was probably a tame comparison. His hands ran the length of my arms. And then Emmett appeared. Apparently it was a team effort. _

_They then hit me with it. Emmet was sick of being saturated in my new relationship with Edward, and Edward didn't see the point in ever returning to an apartment that held nothing but bad memories for him. So taking control like typical males, they took it into their own hands. Emmett moved into formerly Hannahland, and Edward formally moved in._

_It only took me half an hour on the floor to come to my senses. Edward's hands skimming over my arms, his words being whispered into my ear. And my flight reflex gave up._

_  
"Izzy, they've got some violins in the back I'm going to check out," Angela calls from the back of the store. My head lifts, following the sounds of her voice, and I wave my hand giving her my consent. I shake my head, and try to clear my thoughts. Work finally grips my attention, and I begin to pick up small hand bells and tambourines I find. _

_I spread them across the counter when my arms become too full, and smile at the cashier._

"_Do you all deliver big pieces?" I ask. He glances down at the small percussion pieces I've picked and back at me. I smile and motion towards the coffee table. _

"_We try not to, or else we would never do anything else, but I think we can help you out," he offers. I smile tightly back at him. Not so long ago, he might have been the next tally on my list. A number 30 or 31 by this point, but that feels like another lifetime now. And I feel proud of that fact. Like I finished a marathon rather than just defeating a personal demon. I wonder if I could find a trophy for that._

_I wander away from the desk, not wanting to encourage the cashier, and twist my way in a nook in the far corner. Buffets and armoires surround me. I let my twitching fingers roam. My eyes follow the path of my hands, skipping over peeling paint and varnished wood, until they ghost over white wood and I stop._

_It's something I've thought about, dreamed about, pictured in my mind. And yet, seeing it in person is overwhelming. If I didn't know better, I would say someone stole the image from my mind while I slept. My eyes take in every detail greedily, looking for some flaw that will disprove the thumping of my heart in my chest. _

_And then I can feel myself bunkering down, preparing for the wave of panic to crash over me, to take over, but it never comes. Instead a wave of warmth ripples through my body, pulsing and brining a calm I didn't know I was capable of. _

_I ride this rave of confidence back towards the desk._

"_That one as well," I say, handing over my personal card. He nods and jots down the information. The process is so simple, like he doesn't realize the life altering moment this is for me. And just like that, I know. No more incessant doubt. They might come back and lick at my heels later, but they'll never be able to consume me after this moment._

***

As kids, you're told about the landmarks of your life. People list them off like grocery lists. Turning 16, graduating from high school, college, falling in love, getting married. It's like a checklist of a successful life. Most of those landmarks are not monumental. More of a requirement than a life-changing event.

And then there are the events that no one tells you about. Things like divorce, and heartbreak, and death. The real events that mold and shape and fucking change the core of who you are. Life isn't built on the events you have in common with everyone else, but the events exclusive to you. The moments that compile, to represent who you are.

But this event, this checklist moment is turning out to be a pretty big deal. I rake my hand through my hair and take a few soothing breaths. I could really use the obligatory best friend at this moment. I pull out my phone and dial the familiar number.

"What's up loser?" Alice chirps. I chuckle. This is what I needed. Something light, someone to push me.

"You sure know how to boost my ego," I reply. She clicks her tongue.

"You don't need any of that. What's got you all in a tizzy?" she presses. I groan and lean back in my chair. We've talked several times about this very issue. Most of which involved Alice telling me I was a coward and an idiot if I didn't go through with this.

"Am I really going to do this Al?" I ask. She sighsloudly. I wait for her belittlement. She covers the phone for a moment and I smile as she tells Skye that she won't grow wings if she jumps off the roof.

"I know I must be hearing you wrong. There is no way that you are once again pussy footing around this. Get off your ass. Quit hiding behind your work, and just do it," she commands. I nod along with her words, even if she can't see me. Moments like this remind me why her and Jasper were so good together. I can hear him in her words, and it makes me smile. That alone is a huge accomplishment.

I hang up the phone, knowing Alice doesn't need me to say anything else. I push away from my desk and stand. Violet looks up at me and smiles.

"You actually going to go through with this?" she asks. I nod determinedly. She hands me my jacket and all but pushes me out the door.

"Don't you dare come back here until you have. I can't handle you like this. It pathetic, and I mean that in the best possible way," she instructs. She's right. Someone told me once that I have to ask for what I want. So that's exactly what I'm going to do.

Even with my resolve, my nerves spark. Not because of anything but my own lingering insecurities. The last shadows of a chasm that's been filled. I try and calm myself, using lame breathing exercises from a yoga DVD my dad sent to me.

This is what I want. It's all I want.

***

_There are moments in life that hold so much weight, you feel like there should be a crowd to witness them. A crowd and a big ass pair of scissors. Some kind of very public acknowledgement of the gravity of something so simple, and yet so immense._

_I step back and take in what used to be Emmett's room. The windows are pulled open to usher out the funk that always hovered in the air. That smell is now mostly masked by the smell of fresh paint. Nothing drastic or defining, just soft and warm, and so appropriate. _

_I allow myself a few moments to commit to my memory__the way the sun filters in through the window, and the billowing of the curtains, the lingering feeling of calm. As I back out of the room and pull the door shut behind me, the nerves bubble up. _

_Now that the work is done, the wait is all that's left. I'm hoping he didn't sense anything as I pushed him out of the door this morning. He had a rare Saturday appointment, and I was all too happy to usher him out with his He-man lunchbox filled with a lunch rather than receipts. _

_He stuck his ground in the doorway and looked at me long and hard, like he was trying to read my mind. Not that I would ever welcome him into the fuckery that my mind can be. In the end, he settled for a lingering kiss._

_Turns out, I am not meant to pursue anything remotely artistic. Thank God I talked myself out of trying to paint some kind of mural. I pick at the paint crusted under my nails and on my bare arms. Now I have to get rid of the evidence. _

_The nerves bounce around inside of my stomach, like Mexican jumping beans. This is the first time I've initiated anything like this. Usually, I wait for him to try a handful of not so subtle attempts before fumbling through a direct attempt. But I want this. I want to be the one putting myself out there. _

_I want to do that for him. Because I can. Because it's all led up to this. And I know its not exactly putting myself out there like singing a song on stage, but it means just as much to me, and I hope it will for him._

_An hour later, I'm showered and trying everything in my power to not pace in front of the door. My current effort involves compulsively channel surfing, while glancing every third second towards the door. _

_When the door finally opens, I'm so keyed up I almost fall off the couch. I'm trying to act calm, but really I'm jittery and annoyed he couldn't have gotten home before the sunset, so the natural light could have played a part in this reveal. _

_His movements are slow, deliberate, and it's making my anxiousness increase. I watch as he shrugs off his jacket ad takes his time hanging it. Instantly, I can tell something is off. There's a slouch in his shoulders, an invisible weight pressing on him._

_When he finally turns to face me, his head is down. His eyes flit up to meet mine, and he offers me a small smile. My heart races. I had this all planned out in my mind. There might have been some slightly unrealistic aspects, like singing birds and perfect lighting, but it never involved this version of Edward. _

_As he gets closer, his hand eases down and into his pocket. I can't tear my eyes from that movement. It can't be. The familiar motion has been absent from our lives. My throat tenses, and I struggle to breathe. _

_Instantly, I'm trying to think of how long I can keep him out of Emmett's old room. This can't happen right now. It's all falling apart in front of me. Then comes the anger. Anger that he's ruined this moment, my high of confidence and assurance._

"_Stop." My voice cracks, hoarse with lack of use. His eyes shoot up to meet mine. So much confusion in his eyes. I keep my gaze hard and fight to keep control of my carefully constructed façade. His hand instantly pulls from his pocket and he clears his throat._

"_Sorry," he mumbles. I should find some kind of comfort in the fact that he knew exactly what I was talking about, but it just makes me surer that there is something very wrong with this moment._

_My chest heaves with my labored breathing. My eyes are still on his, wanting answers, demanding answers._

"_Why would you need that again? What happened? I mean, I thought that was over," I stammer. Everything is shattering so quickly, and I just want to reach out and try to salvage a few pieces of what could have been. His jaw clenches, and I know this is going to blow up._

"_God, Bella, nothing. I just put my hand in my pocket. When did that turn into a fucking crime?" he hisses. I move backwards with his words. The anger is unexpected. And I'm more worried. He's hardly ever angry. Frustrated, often, annoyed, sure, but not angry._

_My face creases while my eyes flicker up in the direction of the closed door above us,__and my heart stutters._

"_You haven't needed that in so long. There's something wrong," I announce. Because it's the only thing I'm sure of at this moment. Nothing else is adding up. My mind is flipping through the past few days, weeks. A lot of insignificant spats, but nothing that would force us back to this. At least, nothing I can think of. His shoulders heave, lowering even further._

"_Nothing's wrong. I've just had a long day," he offers. Now I'm bristling. I won't accept this half-assed cop out. That's not how we do things. I stand up and cross my arms over my chest, taking several quick steps to stand in front of him._

"_Stop. Just tell me. Don't act like a teenager caught with his hand down his pants," I demand. I want him to laugh and act like this never happened. I want a do over. He leans forward and cups my cheek before kissing me softly. Before I can even participate, his lips are gone. I'm left looking like a fish out of water._

"_Seriously. I just had a long day. I'm sorry," he says again. Why is he doing this? A million worst cases run through my mind of why he wouldn't just spit it out. Most of them make me want to run my stomach inside out. I pull away from his touch and look up at him, my gaze meeting his. _

_I move slowly, slow enough that he could stop me. I can't make him tell me, make him open up, but I can take away his crutch. My hand eases into his pocket and I'm careful to simply grasp the cold metal and smooth stone I know will be there. _

"_Bella," he sighs and I almost stop, but I have to do something. I can't just be still while this happens. I have to push him into action. _

_His face clenches as I pull my hand back. I wait for him to protest, to explain, to do anything to fix this horrible moment. He simply stares at me, and I can't place this look. I try to rub my thumb over the familiar sharp corner, but it's not there. _

_My eyes shoot down to my hand and I uncurl my fist slowly. The ring it reveals is not THE ring. Not the ring that I've worn before. Not the ring stained from overuse and time. This ring is pristine. My mouth falls open and I can't catch my breath._

_I can feel him move in front of me, and when I lift my eyes, he's on his knees, both of them, in front of me. A dry sob slips from my lips, and I hit my knees in front of him._

"_Edward," I gasp. The battery of emotions I was feeling just moments ago are instantly replaced with a completely new set. My heart beats frantically for a new reason. He smiles nervously, and his odd behavior falls into place. I feel like the worse kind of ass. Thinking the worst, when this was the reason._

"_I wish you would have given me a minute," he teases gently. I alternate between fighting back sobs and laughter. My free hand reaches out to cradle his face. _

"_Did I ruin it? You can go back out and I'll do it right this time," I offer frantically. There wasn't a lingering fantasy of the perfect proposal in my mind, but if he had one, I wanted to give that to him. And then my mind slows enough to wrap itself around that word. Proposal. I shudder in disbelief. This is actually happening._

"_No, its right this time," he chuckles. I chew a little on the inside of my cheek and try to control my breathing. His eyes smile at me, and my whole face responds. _

_"This is probably exactly as it should be. I was never nervous about proposing to Hannah. I knew she'd say yes. And even if she had said no, I don't think I would have cared. But now, fuck Bella, this matters. Your answer matters to me. I want you to say yes, so badly," he rambles. I smile again. He reaches down to my hand and pulls the ring from my palm. He clears his throat, and takes my hand._

"_Marry me Bella?" he asks as he slips the ring over my finger. I give him just enough time to get the ring in place before I take his face into both my hands. I lean my forehead against his and just breathe him in for a while. I want to burn this moment into my very being. Make sure it never is less clear, less amazing than it is now._

"_Yes," I sigh. He smiles and covers my lips with his. The kiss is slow and soft, and I pull him closer to me, not able to be as close as I want to be._

"_This might suck sometimes. You know that right? And I'll always need coffee in the morning before I can have a real conversation. And I might never behave like a normal adult," I warn him, pulling my lips from his briefly. _

"_I love all of you Bella. Even the part that won't talk to me in the morning," he answers. I smile against his lips and just hold that position. I move my lips against his for a few more minutes, and then pull away, kissing across his jawbone toward his ear._

"_You're the only one that's ever mattered. The only one," I say against his ear. I can feel his smile even though I can't see it. He holds me against him for a long time, and I have no desire to move. And then my thighs start to protest, kneeling is only comfortable for so long, even if it is for the most important moment in our life to date. _

_I pull away slowly and pull Edward up with me, keeping as much of our bodies in contact as I can. Who knew I could be this sappy? Thank God Emmett can't see us now._

"_Bella, I know this might be ruining the moment, but why does it smell like paint in here?" he asks. And just like that, my nerves are back. I had forgotten my plans, his being so much more paramount. My eyes glance up towards Emmett's room, and he follows my gaze. He gives me a look of mock anger._

"_I thought we were going to wait to paint. You said we could flip a coin between office and game room," he chides. I open my mouth and all the words I had carefully planned exit the room. So typical. Can't I be eloquent just once? Just one time, say all the right things at the right time?_

_Edward's eyes twinkle with amusement, and probably some sort of proposal high as he makes his way towards the room. He's damn quick, and before I register what he's doing, he's halfway up the stairs. Good Lord, we are no good at waiting._

"_Edward, just wait, hold on," I plead. He glances back at me, a smirk firmly in place. I'm scrambling up the stairs, almost falling several times. Note to self, wooden stairs and socks do not mix. _

_I'm barely to the top of the stairs when he throws the door open. At least that finally stops him. By the time I make it to him, his mouth is agape, his eyes moving frantically over the room. I slide an arm around his waist and lean into his chest. His heart beats against my ear. _

"_Surprise," I whisper. Now his eyes take me into their circuit. Still taking in the room, the white crib, and then me, over and over. A mild sense of panic settles over me. Maybe this was a bad idea. That moment downstairs, while unscripted, was perfect, and now I'm ruining it. With my overactive imagination and a crib. _

"_Bella," he whispers. "This is beautiful." I look up at him and attempt to smile. I look at the room and sigh raggedly. The butter yellow of the walls is soft, and the crib looks at home against the wall. _

"_I just thought, that maybe, you know," I sigh, not finding the words once again. He tilts my chin up with his finger, forcing me to look at him._

"_Are you serious?" he asks. And then I go into panic mode. Of course he would think that this meant that I was already pregnant. What else would this mean? Other than I'm obviously out of my mind, and way off my bases when it comes to grand gestures. _

"_Oh love, no I mean, not right now. I'm sorry," I correct. And I feel like a jerk. Could I have screwed this up more? I bury my face in his shirt and feel the tears I so expertly warded off during the proposal burn my eyes. _

"_Hey," he coos. "Don't apologize. I don't think…I don't think there's anything I would love more." I turn my face up to him._

"_Yeah? So you're in?" I ask. Because that was the idea behind this. That I was trying to tell him, show him, that I was in it for the long haul. That I want all the cheesy and stereotypical things with him. Well, maybe not a white picket fence, because they don't have those in the city, but everything else. Except maybe the dog._

_And then it feels like a silly question. I remember the symbol of his love on my finger, and remember that he beat me to it. He made the gesture first. _

"_Pretty sure I just asked you to be my wife. So yeah, I'm in," he chuckles. I smile up at him hesitantly. This is a lot for one night. Babies, weddings, jewelry, it might be enough to force me into panic, but nothing like that can be found in me. Just a sense of calm, and love. So much love, that I can't believe there was a time when I thought I didn't know what it was. _

_I wrap myself up in him and finally feel like I can tie myself to another person, now that I've been untangled from myself. And this isn't a knot I ever want to be freed from._

_***_

**There will probably be a few outtakes after this, so keep your eyes open for those.**

**One last review? For old times sake?**


	31. outtake one

**A/N- so here it is. outtake one of three. just a little fluff written in honor of JeNnNn, who has been with this story since chapter 6. enjoy :)**

**special thanks as always to sah. who knew someone could make me like edits?**

*******

"Do kids like crossword puzzles?" Bella calls from the kitchen. I chuckle and shake my head. I've never seen her like this. When I told her that I volunteered to watch Skye overnight, I thought she would be excited. And she was, at first. But then the panic set in.

It started with her frantic attempt to 'kid-proof' the apartment. Once everything that could ever be described as sharp was hidden away, I thought she would calm down. No such luck.

There's a crash in the kitchen and I laugh a little to myself before switching off the TV. I wind my way back towards the kitchen and watch as Bella struggles to shove pans back into the cupboard.

"Bella, what are you doing?" I ask. Her head shoots up at the sound of my voice and smacks on the underside of the counter. I wince and rush towards her. She falls back, flat on her ass, clutching the top of her head. She bites down on her lip, trying to hold back the tears.

I press my lips to the top of her head over and over, trying to disguise my smile. It's not a small feat that I can read her like that now. Her expressions, her gestures, they hold meaning now. I know that when she leaves her robe on the bed as opposed to on the back of the bathroom door, it means she's feeling out of sorts, anxious. When she can't leave her hair alone, it means she's deep in thought. These revelations send a warm pulse through me.

"Are you ok?" I ask. She nods her head under my lips. I hold her for a little longer, wanting to ease a little of her anxiousness. And she lets me. Like I can read her, she's starting to decipher my unspoken language as well. She understands my irrational need to comfort, protect, and indulges it every once in a while.

"It's just Skye. She loves you. If all you did was paint your toe nails and let her watch, she would be happy," I remind her. Bella eases away from me, just enough to look me in the eye.

"I've never babysat before. _Ever_. Renee didn't have friends with kids, and I don't know what to do with them," she sighs. Her hands wring in her oversized sweatshirt as she speaks. A crack in her exterior is so rare, I'm almost glad to see it. It makes me feel useful, like I can give her an ounce of what she's given me.

"I rented a cheesy princess cartoon. You'll make macaroni and cheese and it'll be like hanging with a friend, just a really small friend," I assure her. She nods and I watch as she pulls herself from the floor. She reaches down to me like she could actually help me stand and I let her think she does.

When we're both upright again, she pushes herself up on her toes and presses her lips against mine. I smile against her mouth and let her lead. It's soft and slow and sweet. Nothing in the way, nothing holding us back. She pulls away slowly, grinning.

"Do me a favor? And then I promise I'll stop freaking out," she asks. I want to roll my eyes, to tell her that there are few things she could ask that I would refuse. But then, I think of a couple of things I would never do. Like dress up for Halloween, or eat anything Emmett has cooked.

"What?" I press back. She chews a little on her bottom lip, her eyes moving from mine to the top of the stairs.

"You think you have anything resembling a toy? Something she can play with?" she reveals. I laugh a little. The word toy momentarily sends my mind to a place it should not be when my niece is coming over in a half hour. I press my lips quickly to hers once more and trudge up the stairs.

I pass our room and just the thought makes me smile like a 12-year-old girl. After I moved out of Hannah's, now Emmet's, apartment, I got rid of a lot. Most of the boxes that made up the 'haunted room' as Bella called it, are gone. Just a precious few made the cut.

My hand grips the doorknob of the spare room and I hesitate. This room represents so much. Maybe that's why I didn't want to bring all my ghosts in here. I pause a moment and look at the crib again. I wanted it to mean more when she showed me. It just about broke me to not show my disappointment when she said she wasn't pregnant. I want those things with her.

I trail my hand along the white wood railing and then open the closet. My guitar and music no longer hidden in a small space like this. Bella insisted they be out in the open. I didn't argue. That part of me doesn't need to be hidden any more.

The boxes hold mostly pieces of my childhood; things I want to keep, but don't have a place for in my every day life. I make quick work of the boxes, finding old baseball gloves and even a GI Joe, but nothing that would be of any interest to Skye. The doorbell rings and I grab the last thing in the box, hoping it will appease.

I take the stairs two at a time and almost beat Bella to the door. She shoves me out of the way playfully and swings the door open. Skye bursts through the space as soon as she can clear the opening and wraps herself around Bella's legs.

"Bella! Momma said I can stay up til ten! And I brought nail paint and a new Barbie and my best jammies," she announces. Bella laughs and pulls Skye into her arms. They begin to talk quietly, no doubt plotting their girl's night. Alice clears her throat and I smile and wave her in.

"I don't want to stay long. We're going to a show and I don't want to be late. If I stay, I won't want to leave," she smiles. It took me two months to convince Alice that going out with people from work would be good for her. I take the overnight bag from her outstretched hand and wrap my free arm around her.

"She'll keep us in line Al. Go have fun," I instruct. She smiles up at me and backs out the door.

"Have fun short stuff," Alice shouts towards the living room.

"Go Momma. We can't start til you leave," Skye calls back. Alice chuckles and kisses my cheek before leaving. I watch her retreating form for a moment. It feels good, helping her. Being that reliable person I've always wanted to be in her life, in Skye's life.

Finally, I let the door slide shut and I follow the giggles. Bella and Skye are already camped out on the floor. They both look at me when I come in.

"Edward, this is girl time," Skye scolds me. My mouth turns up in a grin. I cross my arms over my chest and then the forgotten object in my hand gets in the way. I look down at the Rubicks cube. It was one of my favorite toys when I was little. Although I was more interested in making patterns than creating unity.

"Edward is an honoree girl for tonight Skye. I already told him all the girl rules," Bella explains with a wink to me. Skye mulls the thought over, squinting at me and my toy offering.

"No boy stuff," she finally agrees. I smile and sink to the floor with them. I set the Rubicks cube on the blanket and Skye claims it immediately, dubbing it a nail polish stand. Well, I guess it's being useful.

They continue on, like they're in their own bubble. I watch, happy to observe two people I love enjoy each other. Occasionally, Bella will meet my eyes over Skye's head and blow me an exaggerated kiss. I accept each one with just as much cheesiness.

Even without the physical closeness so many people associate with love, this might be the greatest manifestation of our love yet. To be able to sit, with a four year old, doing nothing and still be happier than I remember being for years before her. The sense of comfort, the ease. Feels a lot like what I hope the rest of my life will be like.

***

**two more to go. what did you think?**


	32. outtake two

**A/N- another outtake. this one requested by the fabulous sah :) it was the least i could do for the person who routinely deals with my heinous attempts at spelling/grammar.**

**exciting news at the bottom :)**

*******

**HANNAH POV (yep thats right)**

The wheels of my grocery cart whine as I push it down the aisles. Somehow, I always pick the broken one of the lot. Fitting really. There is no point in pretending I'm not one of those people who feels an incessant need to fix.

Even as a child, I was always eager to provide the solution. I fixed broken crayons, fed stray kittens, and kissed wounds. The wound kissing was actually looked down upon, as I found out. After a long lecture from my teacher and my parents about how kisses are only for people who want them, I fell away from that habit.

But the need, the compulsion, kept on. It evolved over time, moving from crayons to popped buttons, from kissing wounds to the ultimate project, fixing boys. And that was what drew me to Edward Cullen.

Everything about him screamed 'fix me'. I spent more time in my global economics class watching him than listening to the lecture. There was something about the deep circles under his eyes and the permanent frown etched into his face that called out to my fixing nature.

So I shoved myself into his life, carved and cut out a place for myself. I should have realized that I didn't fit.

The back left wheel of the cart stops moving all together and emits a loud squealing noise as it drags across the linoleum. The few people within ear shot turn and glare. I kick at the wheel until it turns again.

I stop in front of the syrup and stare at the bottles and then back at the list in my hand. _Grade B Maple Syrup_. I pull the small jug from the shelf and place it in the cart. Jessica swears that this master cleanse will make me feel like a new person. Clear out years of bad karma. I think what she really means to say is that it'll make me stop thinking about Edward.

Just his name brings a flurry of emotions to the surface. My failed project. The one thing I set out to fix, but couldn't. I'm not sure if I'm more angry about not being able to put him back together, or that he left without giving me the chance.

Not that I didn't have time. I spent three years trying to mold him back into the man I thought he once was. But, it's pretty hard to do when he won't tell you who that man was.

So I was left to simply try every generic trick in my book. Things like encouraging exercise and reading self help books. I even tried to modify his diet to include foods that were known to release 'good vibes'.

And yet, I never made a dent. He continued to be the stale, robotic person I first saw in economics. The worst part was that I actually liked him that way. After a while, his indifference was calming, soothing even. Knowing that he would never buck too hard against anything I wanted. That I could essentially do what I pleased and he would agree, follow, comply.

I round the corner towards the produce looking for the next item on the list. The lemons are piled in front of me so perfectly that I feel bad plucking a few from the pile. But the list demands it. I take my time pulling them evenly from each side, trying to preserve some of the balance. Once I have the allotted amount, I push my creaking cart back into the mess of aisles in search of sea salt.

I wander down the rows, not really needing to hurry. I'm still getting used to my new neighborhood, my new home. There was a general sense of outrage amongst my friends when I decided to simply leave my old place, _our_ place. The general opinion was that I should have kicked him to the curb, made him move in with his new…. Plaything.

A foul taste rises in my mouth. All my months of work, years even, and she gets results almost instantly. At first, I thought the new diet was working when he came home humming, a smile ghosting his lips. I stocked up on the tofu and organic juice, but along with his hint of happiness came defiance.

The bristling between us grew as his mood improved. He spent less and less time locked up in the spare room, less time at home in general. And then….

I swallow thickly and look up at the wall of spices. I reach out and pull the first container claiming to be sea salt off the shelf. I have little hope that this cleanse will take away the sinking feeling I get when I think about Edward, but at this point, I will try anything.

The path towards the registers should be direct, easy, but instead I choose to wander, further familiarize myself with this market. The natural flow of the store draws me to the bakery, an area I don't indulge in. I almost skirt past it, but then I hear it.

Laughter, loud, uninhibited, and unapologetic. The sound is almost foreign to me. It pulls me in. I inch closer, using a pillar as a guard and focus on the source of the noise.

The woman laughing is sitting on the floor, her lags sprawled out in front of her. Her back is to me, but I can see her shoulders shake with her continuing joy. I take in her body language, so relaxed. Her head is tipped up. I follow what I think is her line of sight and my mouth goes dry.

There, standing above her, his hands on his hips, and what looks like a sugar cookie crumbled into his hair, is Edward. I might have passed by him if I wasn't so fully entranced by watching their moment. He looks so different, with the slope of his shoulders, the gentle upward curve of his mouth.

He's trying to look angry, but he can't hide the light in his eyes as he looks at her. It burns through his ruse. I wonder if she realizes it.

She reaches up to him and he pulls her up and into his body. When he has her in his arms, he shakes the crumbs from his hair and shoulders down onto her as she squeals and squirms.

I move closer, forgetting my cart and the list. It's like a sick fascination. I feel like I'm seeing him for the first time, seeing the person I was trying to uncover. As I lean forward, I catch a display with my elbow and the plastic containers tumble to the floor.

I instantly reach down and begin to try to repair the mess. As I pick up the last box, another hand darts into view. My eyes follow the fingers to the wrist to the forearm, until it all culminates in a face that used to be familiar.

"Hannah," Edward breathes out towards me. I stand quickly and wipe any traces of the incident from my knees. He rises with me and tries to meet my eyes. I dart mine around, anxious for any distraction.

And then she appears beside him, her eyes wide and anxious, a hesitant smile on her face.

"Everything ok? Were there any casualties?" she asks. I grit my teeth against her inherent sweetness. Edward's eyes finally stop seeking mine and he turns his face towards her. Even from a profile I can see his smile.

"I think we were able to salvage all the cookies," he says to her, leaning closer with every word, like he can't get close enough. I back away, wanting to escape and wash this memory away.

"Damn. I was really hoping I could help get rid of the evidence," she sighs. She bites down on her lips and furrows her brow as she scans the now replaced containers. I take a brief moment to scrutinize her again.

In so many ways, I'll never understand what she possesses that allowed her to repair him in a way I couldn't. She doesn't look remarkable.

"Hannah was always good at putting things back together," Edward offers. His eyes meet mine and I fight back the urge to slap him. The familiarity of his words paired with the coolness of this tone is stabbing. He is so clearly past whatever we were.

"My loss then. How have you been Hannah?" she asks. I wish they would stop saying my name. It's starting to make me feel like I'm in a therapist's chair. I take another few steps back.

"You know, I really need to get going. I didn't realize that you two shopped here," I clamor. This obviously will not be my store of choice. Bella nods her agreement and wanders back to their cart, filled with nothing that is meant to lift auras or cleanse.

Edward remains in front of me. I turn away, hoping to quell the nagging feeling to tear into him again. The idea is to cleanse, to wash him away.

"How are you?"

His words stop me in my tracks. The anger can't be bedded down this time. I turn back to him and jab a pointed finger into his chest.

"You don't get to ask that question any more. I can't believe you. It's not bad enough that I have to know that you're with her, that you're obviously happier with her, but you think we can have casual conversation?" I huff.

He watches me curiously, like he wants this to happen.

"No. Just no," I conclude. I reach for my cart and shove it towards the registers. The wheel jams up again, but this time, I don't bother trying to fix it. I'm almost out of range when I hear it.

"See you around."

I want to turn back around and tell him that I hope to never see him again, but my anger has already ebbed. The truths of the situation have begun to rear their little heads and I can't ignore them.

As I near the register, I am more determined than ever to forget the man with sugar cookie in his hair. If he can move on and be so whole, so happy, then so can I. And I'll start with this cleanse.

***

**A/N a couple of things....a new story is on its way, make sure you have me on author alert so you hear all about it!**

**AND....i'm participating in the support stacie auction :) starting tonight though sunday you can bid on...well... me. I'll write a 2,500 word twilight story/outtake for the winner. please head over and take a look/bid. its for a great cause :)**

**http://www(dot)supportstacie(dot)com/phpBB3/viewforum(dot)php?f=23**

**and finally....what did you think of hannah? like her more? less?**


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